Want to meet a great client?
Dear Business-Builder,
OK — I won’t lie to you. I’m up to my eyeballs today. So instead of taking the usual four to six hours to write an issue, I’m going to let you write it for me.
Devious, right?
Here’s the deal. Pretty much at random, we picked a direct mail piece that just hit our mailbox. I didn’t write it nor do I know who did. It’s not the greatest promotion for a financial newsletter ever written, and it’s certainly not the worst.
But the fact is, the publisher thought enough of this copy to spend a pretty penny printing and mailing it. And although I don’t know the publisher personally, I figure we could maybe do him a huge favor by critiquing this direct mail piece for him.
Because like all promotions, this one could probably be improved — and I’m counting on you to help me do it.
Just click here (or right-click and choose “Save Target As …” to save it the file to your computer) to download the PDF of the direct mail piece, then give us your ideas for strengthening this copy on the blog at the end of this post.
I’ll check back in several times each day to keep the conversation going and to add my two cents-worth. Then, next Monday, when we’re done, I’ll send all of our best suggestions and ideas to the publisher and invite him to contact you to get more ideas or maybe even to write a promotion for him.
You’ll probably want to know a little bit about the prospects this package was written for. Typically, the ideal prospect for a financial newsletter is male, average age 65, politically conservative who has subscribed to other financial newsletters in the recent past. Average total net worth is around $1 million.
This should be a fantastic exercise. We’ll all learn from it and — who knows? — you may even wind up with a new client as a result!
So what are you waiting for? Download the PDF and get to work!
Yours for Bigger Winners, More Often,
Clayton Makepeace
Publisher & Editor
THE TOTAL PACKAGE
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29 Comments »
Join the Discussion!
Let us know what you think. Or ask us anything. Or offer your own sage advice.
The only rule: RESPECT THIS HOUSE! Postings that contain abusive language and/or personal attacks will be cheerfully VAPORIZED. One cross word and – POOF! – your well-thought-out post will be gone in a puff of smoke.
– Clayton
Comment by Zac Romero — August 25, 2008 @ 2:02 pm
The design: I think putting the country behind the deck copy makes it difficult to read.
Page #1: Who’s the advocate? Where’s his/her picture? Why should I listen to this guy/gal? What makes this credible… the masthead? Is the masthead credible to this list (does it boost credibility)?
This could be strengthened by letting me know who the editor is. A picture of him/her. Bullet points of his/her credibility. I need a reason why the heck I should listen to this person/company.
Why do I say this? Because there are many claims (assertions) made in the headline and deck but very little credibility about the person who’s saying it? I think it’s a faith-walk front page–faith that the person reading is going to believe anything you say.
Also, if you’re going to use the word "blackmail" in a headline, I think I’m safe to assume anyone who’s blackmailed is pretty pissed off over that fact. Therefore, where’s the emotional tone of the piece about being blackmailed?
This lacks congruency to me. Like, "Hey, I’m being blackmailed, nice day isn’t it". As opposed to, "Damn it! These @$%$%# are blackmailing me and stealing my money!"
The emotional response to me would be to stop them, get my money back, get revenge and laugh all the way to the bank!
That’s actually a great story line: I was being blackmailed, I got good advice, now I’m making a killing and the fools who tried to take my money are now losing! You need the Gold and Energy Advisor too!
That’s a classic story line–slave to freed man!
Sorry Clayton I don’t have more time. That was fun. I couldn’t get past the first page. I’d imagine there are lots of ways to strengthen this package… but those are my initial reactions. I’ll try to come back later and contribute to the conversation. I have some product launch emails to write.
Comment by Marcelino Latorre — August 25, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
The number one thing I see wrong is the stench of unbelievability that reeks off the headline and lead. How about the qualifications of the spokesperson?
Comment by Brian Roberts — August 25, 2008 @ 2:26 pm
I agree,get rid of the picture in the background.As it does make it hard to read etc. I question the tactics used by the writer,it seems as if he’s bashing china.
If I’m the investor,I am not interested in hearing about China blackmailing the USA,and how this affects gold or platinum prices.
As an investor I’m looking for solid information,and facts as to why I should invest in Gold and Platinum.I’m not interested in hearing China and the USA are on the verge of a nuclear war etc.That’s just scare tactics,and what good is investing in anything, if there is a nuclear war between these two super power’s.
Bottom-line as an investor I would not subscribe to this newsletter.It was not written very well,and doesn’t give the reader a reason to want to subscribe. If I want to read or hear China being bashed,I can go on the internet or turn on the TV.
Comment by Kevin Dawson — August 25, 2008 @ 2:47 pm
Please delete the previous post … for some reason everything got jammed together. Thanks!
Here’s what I can say at a quick glance:
Second and third heads should not be in quotes … looks sort of silly. Especially since the first subhead does not close its quotes. Grammatically correct, if it is the same person speaking, but it looks incomplete.
Headline, subheads, and body copy should not all be in serif font.
I agree that the graphic is distracting and makes the copy hard to read.
1st subhead should be more dynamic: skyrocketing wealth and military threat … delete the word “help” (too passive), and a more proportionate figure for oil would be $212 a barrel (also the boiling point of water – possible subconscious hook)
2nd subhead: delete US before dollar … too wordy. Put into future tense (more believable, because we’re not there yet): The Dollar and our economy will be at the absolute mercy of China … but with these four secrets in hand, you’ll be positioned to retire filthy rich. (getting rid of the capitalization of the word but, and getting the same effect with continuity, using the ellipse, as well as using specificity – the number 4 – instead of knowledge, also invoking curiosity).
I could say more for the copy itself, but I’m in the middle of writing a financial newsletter promotion myself right now.
Comment by Clark — August 25, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
As a reader or potential customer I was only willing to read as far as page 2. I had already formed an opinion by the end of page 1 but to give him the benefit of a doubt I hoped it would improve quickly. It did not.
Lay-out felt like I was always searching for arrows or directions as to where to go next, and more importantly all I saw was I or in his case me, me, me, I believe, I believe, I believe, I did, I did, I did, without any validation. Two pages of opinions with nothing to back it up and no reasonable supporting documents to back any of it up or legitimately explain why something is or has happened. It failed to give ME a reason to want to read his newsletter.
I can get 10 opinions at the coffee shop for free.
Because this is an assignment I’ll muster up the courage to read further, (for the cause).
More later
Comment by Rick Carter — August 25, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
The impression of the first few pages is that you can make money at the U.S.’s expense by dealing with a communist country that has us by the economic short hairs, and I don’t think that is a position that most investors want to take. In fact, it is morally repugnant to me, and I would not have read past the first 3 headlines, were it not for this assignment.
Overall, it is hard to see what they are proposing. The "doom and gloom" is more like a "Left Behind" religious tract than an investment proposal. It is very difficult to see how impending world disaster, economic collapse, and the triumph of Maoism is anything we should look forward to, even with 90% return on investment.
<pause while I read it again>
Nope. I can see nothing good about this pitch or this presentation. To me, it is akin to presenting an investment in child pornography ("Yeah, we hate it too! But look at the PROFIT!").
The "war is coming - buy gold" for the first 10 pages is nothing new, just the hysterical tone of the copy. Then, for no apparent reason and with absolutely zero transition, they start pushing biofuels!
Okay, so some recommendations:
1. Headline: "Gold Prices Soar During Instability - And China Is Making Things Unstable!"
2. subheadline: "Investing In Gold BEFORE It Becomes Necessary Is The Best Route. PLUS - What Fuel Holds The Most Promise In The Near Future?"
Put UP FRONT the company’s history of protecting their customers by theri ability to see these instabilities AND by their wise investment strategies.
And then tone down the "we are doomed" by simply highlighting China’s program of confrontation, and the US letting them be too tied into our economy.
Transisition more smoothly to the BioFuel by a transition headline and paragraph:
"Not Only Do International Politics Threaten The US Economy (And Investing In Gold Is Your Best Protection Against THAT!), But So Does Our Dependence On Foreign Oil. What Fuel Can WE Produce To Break Those Bonds?"
and then explain about the bio-fuels.
The Order page looked okay. Lots of contact points (website, etc.).
Bonuses looked relevant.
P.S. If I win, maybe I’ll take a book instead…
Comment by Paul Black — August 25, 2008 @ 4:26 pm
ARRGH! Couldn’t download the file. I get a message saying "The file is damaged and could not be repaired."
I’m using Adobe Reader V9; is this file in a previous version? Sometimes the new versions of Reader are not backward compatible with older ones.
Id’ LOVE to see this…if only I could get it.
Paul Black
Comment by Jason Leister — August 25, 2008 @ 7:18 pm
I think it doesn’t pass the smell test. The dominant emotion seems to be all over the place. Like they kind of couldn’t decide where the market was at, so they just stayed shallow. Nothing deep enough to really make my skin crawl enough to get me to act.I didn’t make it through the lead, because it spent most of the time telling the reader stuff he most likely already knows: "China’s the next big thing." And my hunch is that the bar is higher than that for a product like this… considering the competition.I’d start over and leave out the parts where they’re trying to educate the reader into a sale. I’d cut the "filthy rich" hype and be a lot more transparent. Even (heaven forbid) admit they might NOT know what they’re doing.And I’d pick ONE emotion to hammer on…And I might do something about the offer. $9.97/mo after the trial really makes you think, "How are they making money here?"So then your head goes looking for the answer and you find the part where it mentions that the publisher, staff and employees may (probably) hold positions in the stuff they’re recommending…And then it becomes all too clear (to the reader) that it’s a front end for their coin biz and all of the other folks (energy/oil/mining investment companies who have paid to be recommended.)Not sure that’s what you want your readers to be thinking. It seems like they’re a whole lot more interested in laying a good preselling foundation for the real pitch than they are at meeting their reader where he is and taking him off on the ride of his life.That’s what makes your stuff so good Clayton. Not once have I ever read a promo of yours and had it blare "Front End" in bright flashing lights.You communicate the VALUE that makes a front end advisory seem like an amazing deal… not the prelude to a backend pitch.
Comment by Jason Leister — August 25, 2008 @ 7:29 pm
(Please delete the last one… this one is easier to read… hopefully.) I think it doesn’t pass the smell test. The dominant emotion seems to be all over the place. Like they kind of couldn’t decide where the market was at, so they just stayed shallow. Nothing deep enough to really make my skin crawl enough to get me to act. I didn’t make it through the lead, because it spent most of the time telling the reader stuff he most likely already knows: "China’s the next big thing." And my hunch is that the bar is higher than that for a product like this… considering the competition. I’d start over and leave out the parts where they’re trying to educate the reader into a sale. I’d cut the "filthy rich" hype and be a lot more transparent. Even (heaven forbid) admit they might NOT know what they’re doing. And I’d pick ONE emotion to hammer on… And I might do something about the offer. $9.97/mo after the trial really makes you think, "How are they making money here?" So then your head goes looking for the answer and you find the part where it mentions that the publisher, staff and employees may (probably) hold positions in the stuff they’re recommending… And then it becomes all too clear (to the reader) that it’s a front end for their coin biz and all of the other folks (energy/oil/mining investment companies who have paid to be recommended.) Not sure that’s what you want your readers to be thinking. It seems like they’re a whole lot more interested in laying a good preselling foundation for the real pitch than they are at meeting their reader where he is and taking him off on the ride of his life. That’s what makes your stuff so good Clayton. Not once have I ever read a promo of yours and had it blare "Front End" in bright flashing lights. You communicate the VALUE that makes a front end advisory seem like an amazing deal… not the prelude to a backend pitch.
Comment by Susan Connors — August 25, 2008 @ 7:31 pm
Hello Clayton
Not saying anything about the piece of copy as I have just downloaded it.
Wanted to say "Thank you"! I need the practice and this is a good opportunity.
I look forward to reading everyones ideas and suggestions.
All the best everyone!
Sue in Aus
http://www.marketingforlife.com.au
Comment by Clarke Echos (resident scientist, chief curmudgeon and amateur critic) — August 25, 2008 @ 8:58 pm
I’m only part-way through the AWAI 6-figure writing course, so I’m no expert on this kind of copy, but I’ve been paying attention to a lot of stuff for a couple of years now (long story — you don’t want to know.
).
After the Bencivenga piece last week, I downloaded all of Gary’s bullets, converted them into my groff formatting language and printed a 120-page ebook for my own use. One of his Bullet issues stands out:
Big deal. So what. I’m not impressed. My BS alarm is going off all over the place.
I see several problems that seem to be rooted in a common malady: You can’t teach what you don’t thoroughly understand, and to be effective in writing copy, you have to teach. That’s why you have to have PROOF to back a claim. In beginning physics one of the first equations of kinematics (study of force and motion) is f = ma (force equals mass times acceleration). To avoid the "so what, big deal" response, you have to prove the relationship, and in so doing the student understands the principle behind the equation.
Applying that to the document in question, I can see:
"China’s U.S. $ Blackmail" is pure baloney. That empty line is as vacuous as Barak Obama’s brain. As in "Change!" — What **kind** of change are you talking about? There are too many missing words for that string of text to make any sense at all!
The connection between China’s wealth and military power causing the price of oil and gold to change is not obvious (I studied economics, marketing, finance, and accounting along with physics and math in college, so I know about some of this stuff and my youngest son graduated cum laude in business and finance — at age 26 he speaks English, Spanish, and French fluently and is competent in Mandarin (spent the first half of his senior year attending a university in Shanghai), so we’re not dummies at this house.
It is apparent to me that the writer knows nothing about economics. It reminds me of the English and Journalism majors at HP when I worked there trying to crank out computer manuals when they didn’t understand the operating system. You can’t write a good financial piece if you don’t understand the connection between the price of the dollar and the strength of the US economy relative to the world economy. If you don’t produce more than you consume in the world market (balance of trade), your currency ends up dropping in value, just like the drop in home prices due to the mortgage mess when people can’t make the loan payments.
US dollar & economy at mercy of China? Why? Give me a REASON WHY!!! (another Bencivenga Bullet).j
"We’ve made spectacular profits in gold and oil…"??? Who is "we"?
Using Daniel Levis’ 5R system, who is the spokesperson? (The right person delivering the right message in the right way to the right prospect at the right time — close if not exact). The message isn’t "right". It is awry. The spokesman is unknown, therefore zero credibility. And it isn’t done in the right way.
You can’t deliver a credible message unless you know more about the subject than your target prospect, and this writer isn’t even close to being on deck yet. He’s somewhere way down below steerage.
I have no idea who this James DiGeorgia guy is, but I had to scroll to the end to find out and I still don’t know what his credentials are…
A sidebar element explaining that would help. A subhead on the order of "An Important Message from…" would help with the sidebar nearby.
And the headline?
How about "When China’s Economic Powerhouse Becomes Strong
Enough to Confront, Blackmail, and Potentially Destroy the U.S. Dollar and the U.S. Economy, Will You Be Among the Losers or the Winners?"
as a lead before the head, then a head resembling:
Don’t Let Your Financial Ship Get Beached…
and subhead:
"Gain From This Rare Opportunity to Ride the Impending Economic Tsunami to Very Rewarding Profits…"
[Hey, I said I'm no expert (yet)].
I bow to your superior experience, Clayton — would this work?
As for the rest of the piece, there are some good pages in there, but the first 2 or 3 are a total bomb for me…
Clarke
Comment by Clarke Echols (resident scientist, chief curmudgeon and amateur critic) — August 25, 2008 @ 9:00 pm
Dang,
Can’t even spell my own last name right
Comment by Ron — August 26, 2008 @ 12:39 am
INVESTOR ALERT
Hi Clayton,
I wish you’d think twice about helping this guy out. I checked out Weiss and Agora’s websites and both of them forbid their analysts from owning the security they’re recommending. This guy doesn’t.
But it gets even better . . .
This guy accepts payment for giving companies a good recommendation.
"Mining companies, oil & energy exploration and/or oil and energy service companies mentioned or recommended in GOLD AND ENERGY ADVISOR may have paid or may in the future pay the publisher a promotional fee". (p.2, small print)
Definite conflict of interest. I’d hate to see my family or friends fall for something like this. He’s not giving investment advice - he’s looking for stooges.
I’ve taken a vow to only use my copywriting powers for good (although currently I’m still struggling to write a good headline. I started to use SCAM ALERT - I thought it was more visceral, but wasn’t sure about the legal implications).
Anyway, I say let the guy suffer with his second rate promotion.
Ron
Comment by Jon Weston — August 26, 2008 @ 1:42 am
I personally like the story of war with Taiwan, but then I’ve probably not got the same investment smarts that the target market has…
My main problem with the promo is the headline and lead, and as everyone else is saying, who’s the spokes person or figure head? Who’s talking to me here? Why do I care that this person is telling me this?
The head & lead are disjointed. Surely the headline should be "China Secretly Blackmails US", or "China’s Secret Financial Weapon", or "China’s Financial NUKE".
"China’s US $ Blackmail" simply makes me stop & wonder if I understand the headline or not, rather than read on to find out more.
Then the lead starts… And I’m struck by one paragraph talking from a "we" perspective, and the next is "I". Besides the fact I’m being talked at by a group, and then talked at by a single person, I have no idea WHO either of these people are.
We’re then told who the organization is talking to us, and again there’s a bunch of "my", "we", and "I" all grouped together. Isn’t this english 101?
Comment by Jules — August 26, 2008 @ 2:31 am
Let me make this quick and short some things that I’d work on right for this piece….
the piece to be a little long and for the subheads you want tell a story by itself and try get in the readers mind more.
1)change head line start off with smaller claims that easily back up with proof and then move on to your bigger claims or at least have a subhead ratifying the fact that I know it sounds hard to believe but…….
2) research + info is good need to be better sourced.
3) more about the guys qualifications and track record..talk about his past predictions
4) add some testimonials from previous clients + proof of results
5) since age group is 65 for emotional triggers fear loss, missing out, being part of an elite insider club…. family, retirement are his top priority…… i would tie it in with past us recession or economical crisis and or story of author/client where he didn’t prepare for an oppurtunity and paid big time…
6) change the offer and a positioning of product… low price and free gifts is a weak standpoint it is like you are begging for them to give you a chance plus target market are wealthy…
change offer give stronger guarantee… 365 days money back guarantee double your money guarantee… there’s alot of things you could do.
position the product you are choosing them…
limit the number of people you take in…
this is not for everyone,
only want to work with people are looking to become part of an elite groups of investors that take action and follow through when the facts are put in front of them…
7) I would also try to rebundle the package of bonuses to become an upsell instead of freebies.
There’s a lot of things you do… these are what i would suggest after doing a rough general analysis
Jules
Comment by Rudi — August 26, 2008 @ 7:29 am
There are a number of issues with the copy. The investment theme, war with China will lead to a continued rise in the price of precious metals, is sooo 1990s and thus no longer credible. For anyone keeping up with the news, there is now a honeymoon period between China and Taiwan because a new President was elected in Taiwan who is very much pro-China. If anything sells financial newsletters then it is a fresh approach rather than an old chestnut!
In terms of layout, the first page would certainly need to be redesigned to improve readability. My biggest gripe, however, is the fact that I have absolutely no idea who is talking to me, and what his/her credentials are for making all these outrageous claims. Checking on the website, there appears good reason for the editor of the newsletter to be an authority but I would expect few potential subscribers to even get to that stage of their research upon reading the first page of this copy!
The copy needs more proof of the validity of the investment theme. A couple of newspaper clippings (if that’s what they are) are not going to convince anyone without evidence that they were published in the credible press. Commendations from current subscribers would also be beneficial. How about a nice word about the newsletter/editor from a recognised investment authority?
The jump from precious metals to biofuels is also a leap of faith as there is no connection in the investment themes. A nice bridge from rising gold prices due to economic and political uncertainty in the world at large, also resulting in high oil prices leading to the need to repalce dependency on oil (and not only in the US - there is a whole world out there dependent on fossil fuels!), thus leading to significant investment in the development of biofuels would have been a reasonably straight forward argument to make for which plenty of evidence exists.
Overall, this copy for me lacks a sense of real urgency. There is no attempt to emotionally involve the reader in the unfolding of the newsletter’s investment scenario. The target audience is not motivated into action.
Rudi
Comment by Curtis W. Tuck — August 26, 2008 @ 8:54 am
Sadly, this is a rush-rush day in the Middle East oil patch, and I focus on the head, lead, and offer. I will study it all later. I did not review any comments, so these are mine alone, and quick at that, but it’s an interesting exercise. So…..1. I’m sure most everyone will comment on the graphic under the head and decks. The graphic is too bold for the color reproduction online, but it is OK in black and white. Screening more would make it more readable.2. `The headline could back up the blackmail quicker and help the logic and emphasis of the flow. I suggest this: “Blackmail?” “The U.S. Dollar and our economy are absolutely at the mercy of China!“China’s growing wealth and military power will help drive gold to $2,500,platinum to $5,000 per ounce, and oil to $150 a barrel.“But, with special knowledge (see below), you’re in position to retire filthy rich.” 3. The offer is limited time and 200 new subscribers? Why? Seems a lot for 200. Don’t think the number of subscribers helps in the mix, but the time limit is OK, given the volatility in the markets, which is proven.I hope Mr. DiGeo0rgia will tell The Total Package later how well the promo did. Hope he gets the 200 quick. I heard him speak at an AWAI boot camp in 2002 and he was an impressive speaker. Curt Tuck
Comment by Guillermo — August 26, 2008 @ 12:11 pm
I agree with many of the comments already here. But I’d like to add a few things I haven’t seen mentioned. (I apologize in advance if the formatting doesn’t come out right when I hit submit) Considering that the prospect is a 65 year-old male, I would say that a major sticking point of this piece is the design, among other things. Here’s why: 1. As everyone else has pointed out, the background graphic makes it hard to read. 2. there’s no discernable eye path… There’s too much text crammed in the first page the prospect sees. And the text that is there is too small I think for someone who is 65. At first glance, the text seems overwhelming, and doesn’t look like an easy read. 3. The bottom of each page doesn’t tell me to turn to the next page (i.e. “Over, please…” or “Continued on next page…”) 4. The front page doesn’t give the reader a very enticing payoff for reading all that text. The strongest payoff I see mentioned is in the Sub-Head, “With this knowledge, you’re in a position to retire filthy rich.” This isn’t very compelling and is unbelievable due to the lack of credibility up-front. What’s more, someone in that median age range (65) is probably already retired, so they’re probably just looking to increase their nest egg. 5. The promo isn’t well designed for scanners. As a scanner reading the subheads I’m not hooked by the ones there. They don’t bring me into the copy. Also, make the subheads a different color to make them more readable in all the dense copy. 6. In addition to stronger subheads, this promo could use sidebars to break up the copy and make it more readable…especially for those scanners. 7. The promo could use lots of visual proof elements like color charts and graphs, visually showing the prospect how great platinum and gold are. Plus, it would catch scanner’s attention. And hey, there’s already color photos in this promo, so the cost of making it overall more color shouldn’t be an issue. 8. Where are the testimonials!? I want to see who else has followed this service and profited! 9. Tease me more with the FREE REPORTS. They could be used more effectively in selling the prospect and introducing them more towards the front. 10. Romanticize the product a bit more. Right now it reads more like a history lesson. 11. More credibility overall, in the pre-head and in the body copy or in sidebars telling me who the "guru" is and why I should believe him. Also, more third party quotes talking about how great an investment coins are.
Comment by Kevin Francis — August 26, 2008 @ 10:06 pm
Two comments before I make my observations…1. Others may have already made some of these points.2. Without sounding too sycophantic, reading a piece like this makes me appreciate the quality of the letters written by people like Clayton and other top copywriters! Reading this, I get the impression it’s loosely based on a winning letter but without fully understanding what went into it.With that said, here’s my "2 cents"…1. The big problem with this whole piece, IMHO, is that it’s really not very clear what the USP is of the publication and why an investor would want to subscribe. Sure there’s the "make money" claim but it’s very general and vague. What makes this publication and the author different?2. There’s also something slightly schitzophrenic about the claims. On the one hand the lead and most of the copy is quite hypey ("spectacular profits", "retire filthy rich"etc). On the other the model portfolio has returned good, but not amazing, returns and they boast of taking little risk. I’m assuming they are aiming at the "Safe Money" crowd, in which case this whole piece is way too hypey.3. Without being clear on the USP, I don’t have any constructive suggestions for the main headline. Suffice to say, it’s a little weak.4. Post head. The reference to oil at $150 makes this look out of date. Oil has already nearly hit that price before the recent pullback. That’s one of the problems with "topical" themes, I guess. In the context of the letter as it is, probably better to move the target for oil up (Over $200?).5. In the bullets on first page, lack of specifics about the performance. Makes it all a little general and vague.6. First page no salutation or indication of who this is from.7. Hate the opening and potential for the reader to disagree with the statements.8. Page 2 first para. Talk of a "Yuan devaluation" makes me think the guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If anything, accepted opinion would be the Yuan is undervalued and needs revaluing up.9. The whole China history story isn’t too bad. Kept my attention. Problem is, it leads up to this apocalyptic scenario but then backs off. I’m left thinking if WW3 (4 or 5 depending on how you want to count these things!) doesn’t happen, why is gold going to rocket? Their whole case for buying gold seems to rest on the idea of an inevitable confrontation with China. If you don’t buy into that, what’s left?10. Which leads me to a bigger problem. If this promotion is aimed at the "Safe Money" crowd or the kind of person Clayton profiled, then this whole argument (and the position of the publisher) comes across as being at the "wilder" end of the industry. Look, there’s a place for that sort of thing and on occasion I enjoy the "future war scenario" type stuff but I’m not sure it’s going to hit the spot with the target audience (whereas pointing out that we live in volatile times - where a conflict with China is just one possibility - and having gold as an insurance policy might be more in tune).11. Page 8 and 9 with the profile. The rare Russian coin thing seems a little exotic for the audience. Also, it really doesn’t come across to me as being that great an investment coup. If this is the main claim to fame of James DiGeorgia, I’m not that impressed. This section does a poor job of building credentials. There’s a book and other items that could be included here to boost credentials.12. Page 10 - sidebar with the 3 politburo members. Doesn’t really add anything, IMO.13. Page 10 - sudden lurch to talking about bio-fuel seems very abrupt. Hey, I though we were talking about China?!? This goes back to the problem of a lack of a clear USP. The whole energy section comes across a bit of an afterthought and not terribly convincing.14. The offer. Why is this thing so cheap? I’m not talking about the initial trial period but the regular $9.97 a month. There’s not really been enough "value build" for the product in the first place and then there’s no real valid explanation for the low price. I’d suggest our prospect would be thinking this all looks a little suspect and if they’re going to try out a new newsletter how about this "Safe Money" thing that looks so much more appealing?15. Also, why the monthly pay when it’s normally an annual subscription? Be interested to know why they chose that. Oops! Just noticed there’s seems to be an inconsistency with the order form, or at least in the copy only the monthly option is mentioned.16. No testimonials. These guys have been going since 2004 by the looks of things. Where are all the raving fans?17. Needs more proof elements. It’s got the basic performance elements in there but could be brought out better. Also, where are the losing trades? Nobody is perfect and the prospect is quite sophisticated. The trades on page 12 look like they’ve been "cherry picked" and they’re not that impressive anyway.18. Guarantee is a little bland. Beef it up with one of Clayton’s trademark guarantees.19. Close is bland. Also the "Limited to 200" is lame. Maybe I’m too cynical but "I don’t believe you!".20. PSs. Looks like there is some unused space. I always like to have 3 PSs so you could use the space to restate the guarantee and perhaps restate the offer.21. Order form. I’ve mentioned the inconsistency with the copy. In the copy they’re selling the trial sub. When you get to the order form the prospect is hit with this 2 year deal out of the blue and the trial sub is hidden at the bottom. 22. General thoughts on the style. Too "hypey" for the audience and yet not containing enough real "Power" words.That’s my thoughts. Look forward to reading the other comments. Kevin Francis
Comment by Dan — August 27, 2008 @ 11:48 am
I am not going to write a book… I have to be somewhere in 10 mins…. but one of the biggest things that affected me was the transition from the Gold talk to the Energy talk. It was abrupt… kind of lost me.
The line… "Yes, the Dollar is going down. But frankly, it’s long overdue for that anyway."
While the dollar has been rallying a little… it has been beaten down for some time now… so that line lost credibility to me as well.
I didn’t really get into the offer but from just one read through that is what I have noticed so far.
Comment by Robert Woodring — August 27, 2008 @ 12:23 pm
I agree with just about everybody that the headline and graphic is distracting and weak. Other than China’s history I found nothing really interesting. And like others have commented I don’t understand the bio-fuels transition…at all.
Another thing I don’t understand is, if the average age is 65 and net worth is $1million, why the, " retire filthy rich" line. Sixty-five is retirement age. And, at that age and net worth I think protection of assets with reasonable increases would be more believable…and wanted.
I think leading with the bio-fuels would work better with me.
A headline along the lines of: " Protect Yourself And Your Family From China’s Expanding Need For Energy."
You could tell how China’s economy will drive up energy prices along with the cost of everything else and how hard metals are a good hedge. How renewable energy helps us to stay independent of economic blackmail. How it helps to save the planet… I can think of several ways to tie in bio-fuels with China.
Comment by Bryan Nangle — August 27, 2008 @ 2:58 pm
Could it be that this letter’s response rate could be improved by 2 simple changes? And these two changes could be done in as little as 5 minutes?
The answer is YES. There are two simple changes that can be made to this mailer to drastically improve the response rate and get more subscribers than you can possible imagine.
Now that I have your attention, I will switch over from sales letter mode to real nitty gritty detail.
There are 2 things that can be changed to improve the response rate of this mailer.
1. Headline. The most important content in this entire newsletter, the headline, falls a little flat and fails to really hook the intended audience. The content is written in a way to instill panic and fear about the realities of current society, but the headline fails to speak to the intended audience. The term "blackmail" used in country to country terms, makes the reader think "oh, well thats a topic the president, or other ‘higher ups’ will deal with…there’s nothing I can do." It loses the impact of being something the immediate reader really cares about. A different type of headline may read "Did you know that international pressure over rising oil costs could make you richer than your wildest dreams?" or something like that to frame the entire newsletter into one constant thought.
2. Call to action. Currently the newsletter does a bad job of telling the reader to take action. What I mean is there is no reference in the newsletter to the signup piece included in the mailer, Or what to do to sign up. A simple line that says "if you want to take action towards making your money in biofuels, simply check the box next to the free trial on the included signup form, or call us at xxx-xxxx. " Currently the mailer "assumes" that the reader will get it, but to improve actual response, the reader needs to be told.
Comment by Lara — August 27, 2008 @ 8:39 pm
Thanks for the opportunity Clayton - much appreciated!
I agree with most of the comments made above and will add my 2 cents.
1.) The headline needs work - it did absolutely nothing to draw me in further. I only read more of the letter because you suggested it Clayton.
2.) Lose the picture in the background - very distracting and adds nothing.
3.) Credibility! I don’t believe a word of this because I don’t know the person who’s "speaking" with me. What is your background? Why would I believe you? Why should I care?
4.) No real USP. What’s unique about this offer & content? The entire package feels standard to me and I don’t even read a ton of financial newsletters (but I do read a lot of copywriting newsletters!).
5.) Consistently use I OR we - NOT both. Look at the first subhead and the second subhead. We is used in the first and I is used in the second. So which is it?
6.) Where in the world are all of my benefits? Sure I can make money but so what? As someone else pointed out earlier the position of this letter is for me to make money at my own country’s expense. It’s fine to position this info as "ahead of the pack" and I think that’s where this letter was attempting to go but it failed.
7.) Am I off the mark in thinking this price point may be too low? If you’re selling to millionaires is $9.97 a month too low? Everyone values a good deal of course but with better positioning, fuller reader benefits and a much more solid USP, this newsletter could charge more.
8.) The relationship connection needs a lot of work. Very few of us who have left comments on this board actually felt any real connection with the editor. This letter needs to reach out better.
9.) Bonuses are relevant although they are a bit misleading. Some of them I’d only receive if I signed up for 2 years - some I get when I sign up immediately. That may cause confusion and possibly resentment.
At minimum I’d suggest fixing the headline, finding a USP and developing a stronger reader bond. There’s potential here but it’s still rough around the edges.
Thanks again for the opportunity Clayton.
Comment by George — August 28, 2008 @ 11:01 am
Clayton, Here’s my input after a first glance … I like the concept: China blackmailing the U.S. as a way to take back Taiwan. But the point needs to be made that the Chinese will do it without firing a single shot. Envelope:· Doesn’t tease me into opening the envelope. Why should I care? Letter:· Headline doesn’t pass the barstool test. Not specific. Doesn’t answer the question: “What’s in it for me?”· Premature sale· What’s the deal with the “gold coin as a bonus”? Sounds like he’s giving away a gold coin if I subscribe. · Profits quoted should also be stated in terms of dollars. That’s what subscribers put in their pockets.· Does not explain how China’s $ Blackmail will affect me (gas will shoot to $8 a gallon, a loaf of bread will double in price, etc.). · Who is the editor? What makes him such an expert? Needs his photo. Promo:· Headline leaves me asking: “So what?”· Deck lacks specifics. Doesn’t pull me into the opening. · Delete most of the opening copy. It’s not accomplishing anything. · Tighten up the Chinese/US collision course story and use as the opening. · Move the editorial staff credits/disclaimer from page 2 to the end of the promo.· Delete most of the history lesson. · Delete most of the Chinese war preparation copy. It slows down getting to the main concept. · Add a map showing how the size of Taiwan compared to mainland China and how close they are to each other. · Add images of nukes in the ready mode and thousands of Chinese soldiers marching. Put a circle and red line through both. Add image of stacks of dollar bills. · “How China could defeat the U.S. without firing a single shot” is the main concept. However, the bio-fuel copy has nothing to do with this concept. Need to put a China spin on it (After China wins the bulletless war, they will suck up every drop of oil in the world. Here’s how to profit …)· Willie Nelson as a credible smart money investor for conservative readers? I don’t think so. Put that right up there with Billy Beer. Or maybe I could get Willie to do my taxes. · Need testimonials· The photos of the three Chinese guys are larger than the editor’s photo (I assume that’s him buried on page 9 – it needs a caption and move it to page 1). · Out of the 5 bonus gifts, only one relates to gold. How about a bonus report on rare coins? · Expand the guarantee. Make it for 1-year; 100%; no risk offer. Certificate:· Title not enticing. It sounds too official. How about something like: “Limited offer savings certificate” · There is nothing at all about China’s war with the U.S. Excellent exercise, Clayton. Thanks a lot! George
Comment by Barnabas Ng — August 29, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
(1) The headline and sub headlines does not really invoke any emotion, fear or desire in a reader. The "knowledge in hand" and "retire filthy rich" statement are far too common. The headline/sub headlines needs show how the growth of china will affect him negatively - create the fear of losing and not having enough for retirement. Many investor who are not making killing profits and got burnt will be skeptical on such knowledge.
(2) The effectiveness of the 2 bullets after the sub headline can be increase if numbers or percentage are use to show the spectacular profits and to back up claims of making millions.
(3) I am not sure what is the purpose of the Question and answer after the bullets. it does not instill any curiosity in me. I would do away with it or at least ask a question about overcoming the effect of china on him - to work with the headline- , this will give him some hope about the future and also raises the reader’s curiosity…to make him read the newsletter.
(4) Then comes the long…long …long story about history; does that reminds anyone of school? In the middle of the long story comes another story ("Investing in rare gem…" I call it the second story ) smack right in the middle of the first story. If a reader was reading the first story from page to page (if anyone will ever read it), the second story will derail his flow.
(5) The second story has more conversational tone than the first one. The long story needs to be conversational.
(6) No testimonials! Enough said.
(7) The sidebar, with the title "These 3 men control china…", do not serve or add any value to the whole story. It would great if some statistic of the rising value of gold during market down, when crisis happens or during war breakout, etc.
(8) The whole newsletter does not show any credibility of the gold and energy advisor. Big claims are made but without any proof or support. A lot of projections are listed (like "biodiesel also represents just 2%….is expected to reach 6% by 2010.") without support. Did he just pluck out from the sky?
(9) The whole newsletter should focus on what the Gold & Energy Advisor membership will bring to the reader…what are the benefits…why the particular portfolio was chosen, any prediction made the last time and it came true ( and this should come with some testimonials to backup). Something similar to the "Wall Street Journal" ad.
(10) Not much of benefits that can relate myself to this newsletter. It doesn’t help me to answer this question: Why this membership and not others? Should sell the benefits of becoming a member. what is the USP of this membership?
(11) The guarantee needs some improvement. It does not spell out how much of a refund is given when it is requested. is it full? partial?
(12)The guarantee should also be stated on the subscription activation form, just when the reader is about to order. It will reinforce and give reassurance to him when he subscribe to the deal.
(13) A person at 65 years might not be a risk-taker, asking to invest in gold and energy might not be easy a thing to accept. The newsletter needs to address the issue. Help the reader to see the benefits beyond just investing in gold and energy, in his own language.
(14) The transition between the long story and offer is not smoothly done. Before the offer, show the reader how does the gold and energy membership take advantages of such informations and make money for the members. How do they do it? Any secret tactics that only be reveal once the reader sign up for membership? Stress the advantages by joining the gold and energy membership (adding more testimonials here would be a good.) And demonstrate how the reader can leverage on the gold and energy membership to reward themselves.
(15) Need to tell the reader what will happen after the 3 months trial subscription. Will they be offer any of the other two deals? will they have to pay higher price or still at $9.97?
Comment by Paul Black — August 29, 2008 @ 7:28 pm
First, Clayton, thanks for the opportunity. This has been very enjoyable. One person raised some ethical questions, pointing out that the publisher has some interests in the products that are offered for sale. I wonder, is that or is that not a separate issue? For purposes of this critique, I’m going to set that issue aside. I think we need to isolate this letter as a piece of writing, regardless of what it’s selling. So, from the standpoint of writing, I think it satisfies most of the requirements for a very compelling direct mail piece, especially given the audience that it’s directed at. True, it does start by playing on fear. As it says in the AWAI course, you have to be careful appealing to people’s fears. However, when he gets down to pages 9 and 10, he provides enough assurance that the potential "doomsday" that he talks about is highly unlikely. That should probably put most reader’s fears at rest. Remember the basic rule of sales: people purchase based on an emotional response to what’s being offered. This letter creates a terrific emotional response. Depending on the reader, it could be either a positive or a negative response, but most importantly, whether you agree or disagree with this information, the way it’s presented compels you to read it. Remember who the audience is; upper middle age/retirement age, net worth of around one million dollars (money probably earned through a lot of blood, sweat, and tears), wondering how increase the nest egg, worried about world events wiping out the nest egg, and politically far enough to the right to agree with most of what the author says. Put yourself in that pair of shoes, and you should be able to see why this letter is quite convincing. As to the ordering page, I think it’s very well laid out, and the risk reversal on page 15 is very well done too. It would be hard to claim you were getting "scalped" by this deal. Technical point; it is a little hard to read that first page, primarily because the map of China has a drop-shadow behind it. Take the shadow out, and I think you’d find it much easier to read. As far as changes go, I would; 1. Put a lift note in it, separate from the main body, with some testimonials.
2. Edit the Chinese history/commentary a little more concisely, but without ruining the overall effect of appearing to really know what’s going on with China.
3. Consider putting in an author’s bio, also as a lift note, written in third person, talking more about the publisher. (Maybe combine that with #1 above?)
4. Shortening the tease on the envelope to read something like "China’s US dollar blackmail. Why China’s rising economic and military power will cause gold and oil prices to soar! Inside: How you can profit from China’s rising economy.” I think the other tease was a little too wordy.
5. Make it a little easier for the "scanning reader" to go through it. I’d use more indentation, bold type, and italics in some of the paragraphs, and probably change some of the paragraph lead lines.
6. Cut down some of the newspaper quotes scattered throughout the piece. I’d also edit those that I left in a little more concisely. This goes along with point number two above. Again, thanks for the opportunity, Clayton. Paul Black
Comment by Emette E. Massey — August 30, 2008 @ 11:17 am
Hi Clayton,
Thanks again for such an excellent real world training exercise!
Onward to the package. One of the biggest problems I see is that the headline and deck copy are at best WEAK, boring and ineffective.
Quite frankly it was a challenge to read beyond this.
The copy seemed to "me centered" rather than client centered. Where’s the specifics? For example, "We’ve made spectacular profits from gold and oil, yada, yada, yada"
The word "spectacular" sounds a bit like hype or fluff to me. while I beleive it neccessary to create interest and excitment to pull them into your copy, you want to also create a sense of trust and credibility right from the start and put this in on the front page of your promo (in this case).
The target prospect is not stupid. He’s been around the financial markets block a time or two.
He’s earned his money by making smart choices based on the facts presented or by referrals from peers, busines associates, advisors, etc. Some of these other advisors have been advice presented in competitor’s newsletters. So what makes this one so unique, special, different?
You’ll loose him quickly if any red flags appear.
In short this sales piece lacks perceived value, it’s confusing, promises little reward for the reader, doesn’t speak directly to the prospect, has a weak offer and lacks sufficient proof elements.
Well, there’s my 2 cents worth.
Thanks for allowing me to play along!
Emette
Comment by SB — August 31, 2008 @ 3:45 pm
Hi there,
I thought I’ll add my bit too. If this newsletter had landed in my mail box, it would very quickly have landed in the recycle bin. However, as this is an exercise, I decided to give it a good look. (If I seem a little incoherent, blame it on the darn flu !)
My thoughts :
1) Title and subtitle - way too dramatic for my liking.
- "China’s growing wealth and military power…" - Did this happen overnight, or is it just starting ?
- US Dollar and economy being at the mercy of China - Really? Surely it’s a lot more complex than blaming it all on China !
2) Since newsletter is aimed at the average 65 yo investor with average net worth around 1 million - … "you’re in position to retire filthy rich" ? … "on the path to a relaxed and early retirement" How appropriate is that ? It’s most likely that the target reader will already be retired or it’s likely that they chose not to retire.
3) Is what’s going on between China and Taiwan anything new ? I would scrap this attempt at educating the reader about the history and politics altogether. Any savvy investor will already have some idea of what’s going on there.
4) What’s this "we" then "I" ? WHO is doing the selling ? What is/are the person’s or team’s credentials ? (For simplicity, will assume it’s a he.)
5) WHAT on earth is he really trying to sell ? After getting to the last page, I realise that it’s the newsletter. How about including some sample pages or excerpts from actual newsletters (not forgetting an index page) ? That will be a lot more helpful and at least gives the reader an idea of what the newsletter offers.
6) Talking about biofuel - elaborate more on this. Much more useful and interesting than the attempt at politics and history.
7) Claims to spectacular profits, …
- How long has he been in business ?
- Any clients who can actually testify that he has actually made money for them ?
- What sort of service is provided ? Is it just the newsletter or are there other services provided ? If so, what ? (… "I’ll even do all the work for you" on page 1) ?
9) Bonuses - look good but not enough to entice me to subscribe based on the letter received !
It’s possible that there’s more relevant and interesting information on the website, but the newsletter as it is certainly did not instill any confidence that I as a reader should even bother going to check it out. After I am already subscribing to other financial newsletters and the sender could not convince me that I need another.
Cheers, SB
Comment by William Baker — September 3, 2008 @ 11:35 pm
Clayton,
Thank you for the opportunity to critique a promotion that’s in the mail. Instead of reviewing the copy, I wanted to put in my two cents about the letter’s layout. Maybe you could pass my name along to the publisher, since they need help with their copy and design.
1. I agree with others that the map on Page 1 is distracting, and doesn’t improve the message’s presentation.
2. There’s little contrast between the sub-heads and the body copy
3. Punctuation in headlines and sub-heads should be removed.
4. Sub-heads don’t "pop". For example, change "That’s when fortunes are made!" to "Fortunes are Made"
5. Sub-head rules unecessary "darken" the page.
6. Emphasized text goes across both columns (page 3).
7. Pull-quote goes across both columns (page 4).
8. No "over please" or "please turn page" to guide the reader.
9. Sentences end on the bottom of pages 5, 6 & 7.
10. Bullet on page 7 goes across both columns.
11. Sub-head at bottome of columns 1 & 2, page 11.
12. Change footer from website URL to "To order call 1-800-xxx-xxxx".
13. Name of Newsletter, Gold & Energy Advisor looks like it was placed on the "Activation Form" as an after thought.