Comments on: Want to meet a great client?

By: William Baker

William Baker — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 03:35:08 +0000

Clayton,

Thank you for the opportunity to critique a promotion that’s in the mail. Instead of reviewing the copy, I wanted to put in my two cents about the letter’s layout. Maybe you could pass my name along to the publisher, since they need help with their copy and design.

1. I agree with others that the map on Page 1 is distracting, and doesn’t improve the message’s presentation.
2. There’s little contrast between the sub-heads and the body copy
3. Punctuation in headlines and sub-heads should be removed.
4. Sub-heads don’t "pop". For example, change "That’s when fortunes are made!" to "Fortunes are Made"
5. Sub-head rules unecessary "darken" the page.
6. Emphasized text goes across both columns (page 3).
7. Pull-quote goes across both columns (page 4).
8. No "over please" or "please turn page" to guide the reader.
9. Sentences end on the bottom of pages 5, 6 & 7.
10. Bullet on page 7 goes across both columns.
11. Sub-head at bottome of columns 1 & 2, page 11.
12. Change footer from website URL to "To order call 1-800-xxx-xxxx".
13. Name of Newsletter, Gold & Energy Advisor looks like it was placed on the "Activation Form" as an after thought.

By: SB

SB — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 19:45:17 +0000

Hi there,

I thought I’ll add my bit too. If this newsletter had landed in my mail box, it would very quickly have landed in the recycle bin. However, as this is an exercise, I decided to give it a good look. (If I seem a little incoherent, blame it on the darn flu !)

My thoughts :

1) Title and subtitle - way too dramatic for my liking.
- "China’s growing wealth and military power…" - Did this happen overnight, or is it just starting ?
- US Dollar and economy being at the mercy of China - Really? Surely it’s a lot more complex than blaming it all on China !

2) Since newsletter is aimed at the average 65 yo investor with average net worth around 1 million - … "you’re in position to retire filthy rich" ? … "on the path to a relaxed and early retirement" How appropriate is that ? It’s most likely that the target reader will already be retired or it’s likely that they chose not to retire.

3) Is what’s going on between China and Taiwan anything new ? I would scrap this attempt at educating the reader about the history and politics altogether. Any savvy investor will already have some idea of what’s going on there.

4) What’s this "we" then "I" ? WHO is doing the selling ? What is/are the person’s or team’s credentials ? (For simplicity, will assume it’s a he.)

5) WHAT on earth is he really trying to sell ? After getting to the last page, I realise that it’s the newsletter. How about including some sample pages or excerpts from actual newsletters (not forgetting an index page) ? That will be a lot more helpful and at least gives the reader an idea of what the newsletter offers.

6) Talking about biofuel - elaborate more on this. Much more useful and interesting than the attempt at politics and history.

7) Claims to spectacular profits, …
- How long has he been in business ?
- Any clients who can actually testify that he has actually made money for them ?
- What sort of service is provided ? Is it just the newsletter or are there other services provided ? If so, what ? (… "I’ll even do all the work for you" on page 1) ?

Blurb on "Publishing Staff". Red flags include … "affiliates with…", "may have paid or may in the future pay the publisher a promotional fee" ? Should the reader be concerned about these ? Conflict of interest ? Possibility of biased info ?

9) Bonuses - look good but not enough to entice me to subscribe based on the letter received !

It’s possible that there’s more relevant and interesting information on the website, but the newsletter as it is certainly did not instill any confidence that I as a reader should even bother going to check it out. After I am already subscribing to other financial newsletters and the sender could not convince me that I need another.

Cheers, SB

By: Emette E. Massey

Emette E. Massey — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:17:52 +0000

Hi Clayton,

Thanks again for such an excellent real world training exercise!

Onward to the package. One of the biggest problems I see is that the headline and deck copy are at best WEAK, boring and ineffective.

Quite frankly it was a challenge to read beyond this.

The copy seemed to "me centered" rather than client centered. Where’s the specifics? For example, "We’ve made spectacular profits from gold and oil, yada, yada, yada"

The word "spectacular" sounds a bit like hype or fluff to me. while I beleive it neccessary to create interest and excitment to pull them into your copy, you want to also create a sense of trust and credibility right from the start and put this in on the front page of your promo (in this case).

The target prospect is not stupid. He’s been around the financial markets block a time or two.

He’s earned his money by making smart choices based on the facts presented or by referrals from peers, busines associates, advisors, etc. Some of these other advisors have been advice presented in competitor’s newsletters. So what makes this one so unique, special, different?

You’ll loose him quickly if any red flags appear.

In short this sales piece lacks perceived value, it’s confusing, promises little reward for the reader, doesn’t speak directly to the prospect, has a weak offer and lacks sufficient proof elements.

Well, there’s my 2 cents worth.

Thanks for allowing me to play along!

Emette

By: Paul Black

Paul Black — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 23:28:22 +0000

First, Clayton, thanks for the opportunity. This has been very enjoyable. One person raised some ethical questions, pointing out that the publisher has some interests in the products that are offered for sale. I wonder, is that or is that not a separate issue? For purposes of this critique, I’m going to set that issue aside. I think we need to isolate this letter as a piece of writing, regardless of what it’s selling. So, from the standpoint of writing, I think it satisfies most of the requirements for a very compelling direct mail piece, especially given the audience that it’s directed at. True, it does start by playing on fear. As it says in the AWAI course, you have to be careful appealing to people’s fears. However, when he gets down to pages 9 and 10, he provides enough assurance that the potential "doomsday" that he talks about is highly unlikely. That should probably put most reader’s fears at rest. Remember the basic rule of sales: people purchase based on an emotional response to what’s being offered. This letter creates a terrific emotional response. Depending on the reader, it could be either a positive or a negative response, but most importantly, whether you agree or disagree with this information, the way it’s presented compels you to read it. Remember who the audience is; upper middle age/retirement age, net worth of around one million dollars (money probably earned through a lot of blood, sweat, and tears), wondering how increase the nest egg, worried about world events wiping out the nest egg, and politically far enough to the right to agree with most of what the author says. Put yourself in that pair of shoes, and you should be able to see why this letter is quite convincing. As to the ordering page, I think it’s very well laid out, and the risk reversal on page 15 is very well done too. It would be hard to claim you were getting "scalped" by this deal. Technical point; it is a little hard to read that first page, primarily because the map of China has a drop-shadow behind it. Take the shadow out, and I think you’d find it much easier to read. As far as changes go, I would; 1.      Put a lift note in it, separate from the main body, with some testimonials.
2.      Edit the Chinese history/commentary a little more concisely, but without ruining the overall effect of appearing to really know what’s going on with China.
3.      Consider putting in an author’s bio, also as a lift note, written in third person, talking more about the publisher. (Maybe combine that with #1 above?)
4.      Shortening the tease on the envelope to read something like "China’s US dollar blackmail. Why China’s rising economic and military power will cause gold and oil prices to soar! Inside: How you can profit from China’s rising economy.” I think the other tease was a little too wordy.
5.      Make it a little easier for the "scanning reader" to go through it. I’d use more indentation, bold type, and italics in some of the paragraphs, and probably change some of the paragraph lead lines.
6.      Cut down some of the newspaper quotes scattered throughout the piece. I’d also edit those that I left in a little more concisely. This goes along with point number two above. Again, thanks for the opportunity, Clayton. Paul Black

By: Barnabas Ng

Barnabas Ng — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:28:35 +0000

(1) The headline and sub headlines does not really invoke any emotion, fear or desire in a reader. The "knowledge in hand" and "retire filthy rich" statement are far too common. The headline/sub headlines needs show how the growth of china will affect him negatively - create the fear of losing and not having enough for retirement. Many investor who are not making killing profits and got burnt will be skeptical on such knowledge.

(2) The effectiveness of the 2 bullets after the sub headline can be increase if numbers or percentage are use to show the spectacular profits and to back up claims of making millions.

(3) I am not sure what is the purpose of the Question and answer after the bullets. it does not instill any curiosity in me. I would do away with it or at least ask a question about overcoming the effect of china on him - to work with the headline- , this will give him some hope about the future and also raises the reader’s curiosity…to make him read the newsletter.

(4) Then comes the long…long …long story about history; does that reminds anyone of school? In the middle of the long story comes another story ("Investing in rare gem…" I call it the second story ) smack right in the middle of the first story. If a reader was reading the first story from page to page (if anyone will ever read it), the second story will derail his flow.

(5) The second story has more conversational tone than the first one. The long story needs to be conversational.

(6) No testimonials! Enough said.

(7) The sidebar, with the title "These 3 men control china…", do not serve or add any value to the whole story. It would great if some statistic of the rising value of gold during market down, when crisis happens or during war breakout, etc.

(8) The whole newsletter does not show any credibility of the gold and energy advisor. Big claims are made but without any proof or support. A lot of projections are listed (like "biodiesel also represents just 2%….is expected to reach 6% by 2010.") without support. Did he just pluck out from the sky?

(9) The whole newsletter should focus on what the Gold & Energy Advisor membership will bring to the reader…what are the benefits…why the particular portfolio was chosen, any prediction made the last time and it came true ( and this should come with some testimonials to backup). Something similar to the "Wall Street Journal" ad.

(10) Not much of benefits that can relate myself to this newsletter. It doesn’t help me to answer this question: Why this membership and not others? Should sell the benefits of becoming a member. what is the USP of this membership?

(11) The guarantee needs some improvement. It does not spell out how much of a refund is given when it is requested. is it full? partial?

(12)The guarantee should also be stated on the subscription activation form, just when the reader is about to order. It will reinforce and give reassurance to him when he subscribe to the deal.

(13) A person at 65 years might not be a risk-taker, asking to invest in gold and energy might not be easy a thing to accept. The newsletter needs to address the issue. Help the reader to see the benefits beyond just investing in gold and energy, in his own language.

(14) The transition between the long story and offer is not smoothly done. Before the offer, show the reader how does the gold and energy membership take advantages of such informations and make money for the members. How do they do it? Any secret tactics that only be reveal once the reader sign up for membership? Stress the advantages by joining the gold and energy membership (adding more testimonials here would be a good.) And demonstrate how the reader can leverage on the gold and energy membership to reward themselves.

(15) Need to tell the reader what will happen after the 3 months trial subscription. Will they be offer any of the other two deals? will they have to pay higher price or still at $9.97?

By: George

George — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:01:29 +0000

Clayton, Here’s my input after a first glance … I like the concept: China blackmailing the U.S. as a way to take back Taiwan. But the point needs to be made that the Chinese will do it without firing a single shot. Envelope:· Doesn’t tease me into opening the envelope. Why should I care? Letter:· Headline doesn’t pass the barstool test. Not specific. Doesn’t answer the question: “What’s in it for me?”· Premature sale· What’s the deal with the “gold coin as a bonus”? Sounds like he’s giving away a gold coin if I subscribe. · Profits quoted should also be stated in terms of dollars. That’s what subscribers put in their pockets.· Does not explain how China’s $ Blackmail will affect me (gas will shoot to $8 a gallon, a loaf of bread will double in price, etc.). · Who is the editor? What makes him such an expert? Needs his photo. Promo:· Headline leaves me asking: “So what?”· Deck lacks specifics. Doesn’t pull me into the opening. · Delete most of the opening copy. It’s not accomplishing anything. · Tighten up the Chinese/US collision course story and use as the opening. · Move the editorial staff credits/disclaimer from page 2 to the end of the promo.· Delete most of the history lesson. · Delete most of the Chinese war preparation copy. It slows down getting to the main concept. · Add a map showing how the size of Taiwan compared to mainland China and how close they are to each other. · Add images of nukes in the ready mode and thousands of Chinese soldiers marching. Put a circle and red line through both. Add image of stacks of dollar bills. · “How China could defeat the U.S. without firing a single shot” is the main concept. However, the bio-fuel copy has nothing to do with this concept. Need to put a China spin on it (After China wins the bulletless war, they will suck up every drop of oil in the world. Here’s how to profit …)· Willie Nelson as a credible smart money investor for conservative readers? I don’t think so. Put that right up there with Billy Beer. Or maybe I could get Willie to do my taxes. · Need testimonials· The photos of the three Chinese guys are larger than the editor’s photo (I assume that’s him buried on page 9 – it needs a caption and move it to page 1). · Out of the 5 bonus gifts, only one relates to gold. How about a bonus report on rare coins? · Expand the guarantee. Make it for 1-year; 100%; no risk offer. Certificate:· Title not enticing. It sounds too official. How about something like: “Limited offer savings certificate” · There is nothing at all about China’s war with the U.S. Excellent exercise, Clayton. Thanks a lot! George

By: Lara

Lara — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 00:39:28 +0000

Thanks for the opportunity Clayton - much appreciated!

I agree with most of the comments made above and will add my 2 cents.

1.) The headline needs work - it did absolutely nothing to draw me in further. I only read more of the letter because you suggested it Clayton.

2.) Lose the picture in the background - very distracting and adds nothing.

3.) Credibility! I don’t believe a word of this because I don’t know the person who’s "speaking" with me. What is your background? Why would I believe you? Why should I care?

4.) No real USP. What’s unique about this offer & content? The entire package feels standard to me and I don’t even read a ton of financial newsletters (but I do read a lot of copywriting newsletters!).

5.) Consistently use I OR we - NOT both. Look at the first subhead and the second subhead. We is used in the first and I is used in the second. So which is it?

6.) Where in the world are all of my benefits? Sure I can make money but so what? As someone else pointed out earlier the position of this letter is for me to make money at my own country’s expense. It’s fine to position this info as "ahead of the pack" and I think that’s where this letter was attempting to go but it failed.

7.) Am I off the mark in thinking this price point may be too low? If you’re selling to millionaires is $9.97 a month too low? Everyone values a good deal of course but with better positioning, fuller reader benefits and a much more solid USP, this newsletter could charge more.

8.) The relationship connection needs a lot of work. Very few of us who have left comments on this board actually felt any real connection with the editor. This letter needs to reach out better.

9.) Bonuses are relevant although they are a bit misleading. Some of them I’d only receive if I signed up for 2 years - some I get when I sign up immediately. That may cause confusion and possibly resentment.

At minimum I’d suggest fixing the headline, finding a USP and developing a stronger reader bond. There’s potential here but it’s still rough around the edges.

Thanks again for the opportunity Clayton.

By: Bryan Nangle

Bryan Nangle — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:58:15 +0000

Could it be that this letter’s response rate could be improved by 2 simple changes? And these two changes could be done in as little as 5 minutes?

The answer is YES. There are two simple changes that can be made to this mailer to drastically improve the response rate and get more subscribers than you can possible imagine.

Now that I have your attention, I will switch over from sales letter mode to real nitty gritty detail.

There are 2 things that can be changed to improve the response rate of this mailer.

1. Headline. The most important content in this entire newsletter, the headline, falls a little flat and fails to really hook the intended audience. The content is written in a way to instill panic and fear about the realities of current society, but the headline fails to speak to the intended audience. The term "blackmail" used in country to country terms, makes the reader think "oh, well thats a topic the president, or other ‘higher ups’ will deal with…there’s nothing I can do." It loses the impact of being something the immediate reader really cares about. A different type of headline may read "Did you know that international pressure over rising oil costs could make you richer than your wildest dreams?" or something like that to frame the entire newsletter into one constant thought.

2. Call to action. Currently the newsletter does a bad job of telling the reader to take action. What I mean is there is no reference in the newsletter to the signup piece included in the mailer, Or what to do to sign up. A simple line that says "if you want to take action towards making your money in biofuels, simply check the box next to the free trial on the included signup form, or call us at xxx-xxxx. " Currently the mailer "assumes" that the reader will get it, but to improve actual response, the reader needs to be told.

That’s all folks.

By: Robert Woodring

Robert Woodring — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 16:23:22 +0000

I agree with just about everybody that the headline and graphic is distracting and weak. Other than China’s history I found nothing really interesting. And like others have commented I don’t understand the bio-fuels transition…at all.
Another thing I don’t understand is, if the average age is 65 and net worth is $1million, why the, " retire filthy rich" line. Sixty-five is retirement age. And, at that age and net worth I think protection of assets with reasonable increases would be more believable…and wanted.
I think leading with the bio-fuels would work better with me.
A headline along the lines of: " Protect Yourself And Your Family From China’s Expanding Need For Energy."
You could tell how China’s economy will drive up energy prices along with the cost of everything else and how hard metals are a good hedge. How renewable energy helps us to stay independent of economic blackmail. How it helps to save the planet… I can think of several ways to tie in bio-fuels with China.

By: Dan

Dan — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 15:48:29 +0000

I am not going to write a book… I have to be somewhere in 10 mins…. but one of the biggest things that affected me was the transition from the Gold talk to the Energy talk. It was abrupt… kind of lost me.

The line… "Yes, the Dollar is going down. But frankly, it’s long overdue for that anyway."

While the dollar has been rallying a little… it has been beaten down for some time now… so that line lost credibility to me as well.

I didn’t really get into the offer but from just one read through that is what I have noticed so far.