Posted by: Clayton Makepeace
May 25, 2009
Issue #680

Help a Good Man;
Get Instant Karma,
Maybe Win a $750 Prize!

Dear Business-Builder,

I’ve often written that ethical direct-response entrepreneurs are the “Mother Teresas” of the business world: We bring tremendous value to our customers lives – and by doing so profitably, we also provide better lives for our families and employees.

Last week on this blog, I met a man who exemplifies this ideal in spades.  His name is Michael Mears and his product is doing more than just bringing value to his customers’ lives; he is literally saving their lives and helping to preserve their families.

Mike’s product is a video-based, at-home rehab system that helps alcoholics break free of their addiction.  His product is endorsed by many celebrities, physicians, rehab experts and, of course, his customers who have used it to reclaim their lives.

This week, I’m going to invite you to do well by doing good – to give Michael a hand.

See, Mike’s website, www.timetoquitdrinking.com, should be doing a better job of converting prospects to buyers and last week, he asked me to take a look and make some suggestions.  I did my best with the time I had available, but I was only able to cover a few macro issues for him.

So now, I want you to click the link above, visit Mike’s site, watch his video, read his sales copy and share your critique, ideas and suggestions with him.

I’ll read everything you write, add my own two-cents – and next Monday, I’ll pick the critiques I feel are best.

If yours is one of the five most helpful crits I see, you’ll win your choice of:

1. The Makepeace Business System – a $795 value, FREE:  This is my comprehensive course in how I find and close the best high-paying clients and how I structure our business relationships in ways that maximize income both for myself and for my client. (Click here for more info)
2. Steal These Secrets Volumes I & II – a $397 value, FREE:  Maybe you’ve already got all the high-paying clients you can use, but would welcome a huge swipe file crammed with world-beating direct response promotions.  Yes?  Then you’ll definitely want these two massive products!  (Click here for info on Volume I … and click here for info on Volume II)

You get great Karma just for giving it a whack – and if you apply enough skull sweat and elbow grease to your crit, you could also wind up with a prize capable of making you a bundle in the weeks and months ahead.

So whaddaya say?  You in?

Just click here to visit Mike’s site, watch his video and read his copy, then come back here, scroll down and use our blog to share your critique and ideas with Mike and the rest of us!

Yours for Bigger Winners, More Often,

Clayton Makepeace
Publisher & Editor
THE TOTAL PACKAGE

Looking for resources related to this article? Try some of these.

Looking for more of Clayton's articles? Check these out.

Looking for past issues of The Total Package? Click here for our archives.

---

99 Comments »

1. Comment by brendan talty — May 25, 2009 @ 10:26 am

   Critique of Mike’s online store

   My top suggestion is go for a 2-step sale => Since addicts find it hard to commit, Mike should abandon requirememt of an upfront sale and instead offer a FREE video podcast showcasing customer testimonials interspersed with Mike’s own story. Great thing is that browsers will have to give their name & email address on a jump page before getting to download the free video podcast.

   This new list of qualified alcoholics will be an invaluable resource for Mike’s follow-up marketing via email which costs next to nothing.

   Brendan Talty

2. Comment by Caleb Osborne — May 25, 2009 @ 10:44 am

   Heya,

   Off the top of my head, I’d address the design first:

   – Bigger font sizes, 12pt Arial b/c we’re dealing with an older population (hard to develop a drinkin habit when you’re too young)

   – More pictures, especially of the people who are giving their great testimonials.

   If there’s a doctor — let me see him in his white lab coat. If there’s a medical director, I’d like to see him in his important looking business suite, with his credentials next to his name.

   Celebrities? I may not recognize their name, but show me pictures of them for sure … and to make the best use of all this proof I’d definitely use a testimonial lead.

   Something like the “Amazing True Stories of … ” lead I believe Clayton has used before.

   Just too many good testimonials not to. And then after the testimonials have done the heavy lifting for getting the reader started, I’d switch to the “concerned expert” tone like in the Forbidden Cures package of Claytons then lead into the product.

   Here’s a quick mockup I did with photoshop so you can see some sample layout/mock copy:

   http://screencast.com/t/tt3×5Kp3

   Hope it helps!

   Later,
   Caleb

3. Comment by swans paul — May 25, 2009 @ 10:48 am

   Dear Mike:

   I just lost my first most detailed suggestions.

   Here’s the suggestion in a nutshell.

   I find your headline to have too many promises/appeals.

   What I would do is to test different appeals separately.

   Here’s what I mean.

   For instance, let’s take the appeal/benefit, “overcome alcohol dependency”

   I’d take this keyword and build a squeeze page around the keyword. I’d also do a google ad with this keyword too.

   I’d use a headline like this, “How A Bartender Helped Me Beat Alcohol Dependence”

   Then in the body of the short squeeze page I’d say that I have a simple secret to overcome alcohol dependency. If the reader would simply give me his email address and name, I’d shoot him the information right away.

   I’d go through your other promises, like “Stay Sober”. I’d build a squeeze page around this idea and I’d drive traffic from Google to it.

   I’d use headlines such as, “What AA Never Told You About Beeing and Staying Sober”

   Here’s something else I’d try. I’d try a “controvery headline” like, “Why AA Meetings Don’t Work”.

   Again, I would tell the reader that I have information about that. If the reader would just give me his email address and name, I’d share the info with him for free.

   Now, by doing these squeeze pages and throwing traffic from Google at them, you’ll quickly discover, which of all the promises you’re making is the most interesting to your prospects.

   Ok, Mike, try this and let us know.

   Sincerely,
   Swans Paul

4. Comment by Mister Ooh! — May 25, 2009 @ 10:49 am

   $177.00 right off the bat, with no REAL acquaintance of what it’s all about?

   Where is the freebie?

   I don’t know if I were an alcoholic that I’d be pleased to hear a bunch of testimonials from people with the “you poor wretch” attitude that so many seem to have in the video. I guess, not for me to judge. But what do alcoholics think of being talked to in that attitude? Could be good? Was this surveyed?

   The AA meetings that we see on film. People tell me that they are often accurate enough in their depiction of what occurs. They seem incredibly dreary to me.

   I’d prefer some spark in the whole show. With no testimonial more than a few seconds long. Each saying, in attitude, “You are alive; you are loved; you’re beautiful; your dreams are coming true; you are not a recovering alcoholic; you are a wise, creative, influential being; there are lots and lots and lots of wonderful, wonderful things about you that you have ignored too long; let’s start paying attention to how marvelous you really are!”

   Aren’t words and attitudes like that part of the program? I imagine that they might well be; it’s the kind of things we tell ourselves when we want to tell a different story; a story we want to come true…

   It must be a wonderful program… so much benefit to so many people… I want more before I pay, though. And I would like to see the pot of gold a little more clearly before I take the journey. And I want to feel hope, relief and joy (that I am certain they are experiencing) in the conversation of the course graduates, more than I want to hear sympathy.

5. Comment by Bill Kidwell — May 25, 2009 @ 10:56 am

   My first reaction was to modify the lead in and focus on the prospect’s recognition that they want control, so I considered:

   “You’re here because you know you want control.

   You know you can solve your problem; you just need the right tool.

   You are motivated! You will win!

   You can guarantee your victory!

   What if I can show you how?”

   Then go into the rest of the content.

   However as I listened to / watched the 20+ minute video and trudged through the countless testimonials and incredibly long content — all addressed at “me” the one with the problem, two things dawned on me:

   1) Drinker’s don’t have the attention span to endure the trip required by this web site and,
   2) Most are in denial anyway

   So, it occurred to me that the message is valuable, but the audience should be the influencers and the focus should be on why the parent, brother, sister, friend, etc. should do this for the prospect.

   I realize that this is mentioned in the website and on the video, but my opinion is that there should be two separate experiences. One, very short and with little fanfare for the prospect so they don’t have to endure to get to the buy message and an alternative using most of the content just written to the influencer, not “YOU” to give them the information necessary to generate the product trust for them to help their prospect.

6. Comment by Mark Dresner — May 25, 2009 @ 11:02 am

   Here’s a couple of suggestions for Mike’s site:

   1. I think the single video is too long as it is. Perhaps it would be more affective edit this into several new videos. For example, an intro video and then several testimonials from the “rich and famous”.

   2. The Red/Bold semi-subheads at the beginning of the letter are distracting. Perhaps these could be converted to bullets

   3. Need to paint a better picture of the benefits one will get from kicking alcohol. He does mention benefits – but he’s telling people what they’ll get rather than allowing them to imagine/feel it.

   4. Need more HOPE early on in the letter. I think visitors are aware of their problem – they HOPE that they can actually break free.

   5. The grey copy towards the bottom of the letter is distracting and hard to read. Lose it.

   6. No disrespect, but … some of Michael’s story and bio seem like it might be a bit long and (sorry) boring to his target audience. (Also the “how we got Michael Farrell). It strikes me as a “so what”.

   7. The Offer: great guarantee – you should make it MUCH more prominent at the bottom/ordering area.

   8. Payment options: you only show a Visa/MC logo – though you actually offer other payment options – including Paypal. Make sure you let people know this.

   9. Pricing. I didn’t see the price mentioned anywhere in the letter. Maybe this is your strategy, though personally I hate when marketers do that.

   That’s all for now. Hope this help.

   Regards,
   Mark Dresner

7. Comment by Kelley Eidem — May 25, 2009 @ 11:03 am

   Here are two things that would guarantee a significant increase in sales. Remember that alcoholics and drug addicts are under far more stress than you and me.

   That includes their eyes!

   So change the red lettering to brownish red such as #8000.

   Next, the fonts for the testimonials could be changed to Arial or Georgia - they are also much easier on the eyes.

   Kelley Eidem

8. Comment by Zac Romero — May 25, 2009 @ 11:11 am

   Hey Clayon,
   How goes it?
   Here are my crits:
   1. Headline/deck copy: doesn’t capture what the person is feeling right now! It’s a bad “how to” headline reads more like a bad internet marketing pitch. It rambles on endlessly.
   The headline should immediately speak to the person’s mental state. If they’re searching for a solution to alcohol abuse, they’re at least admitting there’s a problem. Therefore, you must address the motivating factor for their search.
   Are they concerned their world is falling apart–their family is in shambles, they might lose their job, etc. What are they going to LOSE as a result of their alcoholism?
   Don’t approach them with, “you’ll die because of this problem… your health will diminish, etc.” because they already know it, and don’t care enough about themselves for this to be a motivating factor for a sale. Therefore, you must focus on some external motivating factor–i.e. family, job loss, life crumbling, etc.
   I’d also suggest you move all credibility endorsements from the doctors and clinics above the fold (way up on top in case you don’t know what that means). It immediately establishes you as someone to listen to.
   In fact about it, you may want to lead your sales letter off with an endorsement from these credible sources. Quick example: “Why do doctors, health care specialists and Hollywood Movie Stars say Michael Mears’ ‘Stop Drinking Now’ program is the most effective and discrete solution to ending drinking problems around?”
   Of course this a quick headline off the top of my head that needs the fat to be trimmed but, it easily leads into a logical PROOF heavy pitch about your program. You could then follow with all the proof elements you have and logically lead into how the program works, what they’ll get when they order, how fast their world can change and then close the deal. (again, this is a rough outline that needs to be thought through).
   Note: if you can, get on the phone with some of your testimonials and interview them. The interview should clearly reveal their before and after stories. And, you should dig deep about what they were feeling before (how their world was threatened) and how they feel now (what transformational things have happened). Record these, and add audio case studies to your site.
   Other comments aren’t really necessary because they all relate to the way the pitch is currently written. Example: you’re clearing your throat for about two pages (you keep telling them what they’re about to read about—waste of time and people will click away). Subheads every paragraph or two, is not necessary. Subheads can introduce a new section/point in the copy… be the climactic point of a paragraph/section of copy… and even be used as a double readership path (which, hasn’t been proven to work)—they tell the story in brief and pull people in to read.
   Price justification: this section sounds needs work. You’re comparing apples to oranges, but it’s done poorly. Instead of asking if someone would pay X for Y, state the options as facts.
   Example: You only have a few options. You could pay a king’s ransom for a rehab stay. You pay $15,000 and chances are as soon as you leave, return to your normal living situation, you’ll turn right back to a bottle… (quick example again that needs vetting).

   Where’s the upsell and downsell? Once you straighten out the copy, what are you going to do to bump the sale? I suggest a weekly “at home AA type meeting”. For this service they could pay X dollars and get on the phone once a week with you and others and you could discuss problems/feeling they’re going through.
   Downsell: trim the version down and sell at a lower price point for someone who doesn’t want to spend the $177 for the product. This would be done on an autoresponder sequence.

   Hope I didn’t spoil your day with my crits. Not meand to to be harsh. Since this product really helps people with a serious problem, I think the pitch should be world-class so you can sell as many products as possible.

9. Comment by Yoav — May 25, 2009 @ 11:12 am

   Here’s my 2 cents:

   1. The video is good. Shows a lot of proof that this program is real and well known.

   2. The sales letter is trying to force me into admitting that I have a problem. Which might work as a therapeutic approach, but I’m not so sure it’s a good approach for selling.

   He should try testing a sales letter that compliments me for actually taking the first step and for the fact that I was responsible enough to look for ways to help myself and my family. And go on from there.

   3. I would also try a 2-step selling process where the prospect opts-in to receive free information and receives emails with the best parts of the training for free. Something that he can use and will give him immediate results (if it can give him hope or self-confidence, thats the best). I’d also send him emails with stories out of the video.

   4. Since the product comes with a no limit 100% satisfaction guarantee. Why not turn it into a 100% recovery guarantee. That would make the guarantee a lot more effective.

   5. he also needs to decide whether he is selling to the alcoholic or to his family members. He can’t appeal to both of them in the same letter. He might want to try using two different advertisements/letters/funnels. One for the addict and the other for his family/friends.

   That’s all for now. Hope that helps

   Yoav

10. Comment by Bob — May 25, 2009 @ 11:17 am

    Starts off OK…then the video TOO LONG. It should be broken into 3 shorter videos and interspered (but start with the celebrities, then the systen, then the Avg. Joe solutions.

    After the video, the pace is wrong. It takes to long to figure out what solution he is selling. I want “MICHAEL” (it’d be better if he was just “Mike”) to appear earlier to explain why he has a solution and why he is qualified to bring out this solution. Identify the problem, explain your solution, give the testimonials, ask for the order. Then explain why some folks might not be ready, illustrate the problem, offer your solution, ask for the order.

    The “centered” text annoying: we need to go FLUSH LEFT. And we need a larger type size in the body. The use of RED text throughout needs to be limited to only the most important highlights and a friendlier color submitted in place.

    Instead of the BUY NOW (Visa/mastercard) box, substitute a
    “FREE YOURSELF FROM DRINKING, Order now.” And we need to offer more than just CREDIT CARD payment. We need PayPal and by check.

    His email address doesn’t support his brand: CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT DRINKING and timetostopdrinking are two different things.

    “CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT DRINKING” may not be the right name as it implies thought, not action. FREE YOURSELF FROM DRINKING…or other titles should be explored.

    Just when it is most important, the Order Page stops selling. You need reinforcement here: you need to have a message on the Order Page (don’t lose the buyer now. And The buying form is autoset to 3 copies instead of 1 (how annoying is that!)

    Also, he should mention CORPORATE SALES and get companies buying it to offer to employees.

11. Comment by Cris — May 25, 2009 @ 11:19 am

    The headline is wordy, ” Throw that damn bottle down, and never have the urg to pick it up again guaranteed! As easy as 1.2.3 with, No rehab, No AA meetings, No public humiliation, No family involvement…”

    The video is key and should stop right before the guy plays the trumpet, the first speaker should be the only part of this video that is on your sales copy, its like a hook without to much sappy “I did it you can to” bull crap.

    In your “buy now” buttons I would try something like “stop drinking now” or “start now”

    Maybe trying moving your bullets that are in between your testimonials and grouping them and the testimonials together not mixed together.

12. Comment by Michael Kocis — May 25, 2009 @ 11:21 am

    Mike, I just quickly browsed your site, which is what your audience will do the first time.
    I’d put the footer up top as the header to your page (people love pictures)
    I’d also put that video “above the fold” make it easy for them to see it. Remember: your audience has a problem, so make it easy for them to take action.
    As for your “Buy Now” button … way to small. Make it orange change it to “Add To Cart” and make it a lot bigger. Tests show orange buttons get better response, Add To Cart gets clicked more often and in this case bigger IS better.
    In keeping this short I’ll only add that you put more pictures of Happy people scattered on your page. People, especially drinkers, won’t buy what they “need” they buy what they “want.” and people that drink too much really just want to be Happy.
    Good Luck
    Michael Kocis

13. Comment by rita mccarthy — May 25, 2009 @ 11:26 am

    Tease the reader instead of pushing for immediate sale. Push to a ‘60-Second Personality Survey’ which will allow Mike to gauge whether his solution is best.

    Redirect to landing page with 5 multiple-choice questions relating to behaviors Mike knows he can influence.

    Capture respondents’ name & email address … then immediately send an email with ‘My Top 3 Hypnotic Secrets’ to both buyers and non-buyers.

14. Comment by Yoav — May 25, 2009 @ 11:29 am

    One more thing,

    Maybe he should play the whole actors angle with a headline like this.

    “How Broadway Stars, Country Singers and Movie Stars And thousands of ordinary folk were brought back from the darkest Pits of Alcoholism Hell - Hollywood”

    then go on and compliment the reader on taking the first stem and then tell the story of this film editor that found a hidden genius. The guy behind the recovery of the most addicted, stubborn people in the country. And turned it into am easy to watch, hyper affective at home recovery system.

    and then an opt-in

    I guess this makes it 4-cents

15. Comment by Anita Apodaca — May 25, 2009 @ 11:29 am

    I like to see what the cost is before I go to the order blank. His charge is way below what I thought it would be, but I couldn’t concentrate on much of what he was saying for the thought in the back of my mind - how much? So, why hide it?

    Then I found predictability. Not enough spark.

    Otherwise, it’s a great piece as far as I can see.

16. Comment by Edward Zamudio — May 25, 2009 @ 11:38 am

    Clayton,
    Enjoy the video on the purpose of a drinker who doesn’t realize he has a problem.
    In my younger day of a youth I can remember going out with the boy’s and telling my parents I was going to the movies but went out to drink because it was the cool thing to do and to use it for a excuse to do wrong things and blame it on my drinking. It was a easy way out but it only lead me with a bigger problem. Not facing my own issue that I had to deal with day by day.
    I can remember going to a bar and seeing the other people drinking and saying to myself look at these people wasting there life and living a miserable life that was not real.
    Then it hit me that those people in the bar was me looking in the future of my own life.
    What a rude awakening to realize I was heading the same direction. I did not want to live a life like that at all for me that age was 23 years young.
    I was not hurting for money or relationship with people but was not at peace with myself and was trying everything else
    to found that release and peace of mind.
    As I was watching the video it brought back a lot of memories of the pass.
    There is always good about a program that wants to help out people with the big issue of drinking which indeed involve all ages and is advertise as a cool thing to do. The reality is a lot of people who our in this situation see nothing wrong with what they our doing. Which makes it hard to share with everyday people who are in this crises.
    If I may add a little to what I seen and experience in my own life. I do recall when I had friends of my tell about a person who really care for me and will help me change my life for a better way of living.
    I finally listen and took that challenge and step into a life of faith that gave me the peace of mind and the inner strength to deal with my everyday issues. Which gave me the desire to help other who need help. Guess what it was free and I did not have to pay a dime. All I did was to receive it my faith and believe it and live it.
    That was the greatest gift I receive and will never forget it because it change my life forever. That was a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and will never be ashamed to
    let others know that they can have this too.
    It not church or following external rule but a internal renewal that made me new again with purpose and destiny toward the mark of a higher calling. That satisfy the soul
    spirit and mind. Remember it FREE BY FAITH NOT OF WORKS ITS A GIFT FROM GOD… (JESUS)
    This is a good program and it only can help if they chose to follow the directions.
    Thank You
    Edward Zamudio

17. Comment by Yvette Miles — May 25, 2009 @ 11:40 am

    Make it personal . . right down to the core . .
    #1 - Very few Alcoholics are amusing or funny
    #2 - Alcoholics are physically, verbally and mentally
    abusive
    #3 - Just the sound of an Alcoholic coming home, strikes
    fear in the hearts and souls of those they supposedly love
    #4 - The “I could be a better wife/husband” is nonsense. Nothing pleases an Alcoholic - you can’t be a better wife/husband/child no matter how hard you try
    #5 - Alcoholics take pleasure belittling everyone;
    #6 - Alcoholics blame everyone for their troubles and take zero responsibility
    Make it personal, hit their hearts and heads, let them know there is help if they feel the Alcoholic is worth saving

18. Comment by Ken — May 25, 2009 @ 11:51 am

    A few random thoughts about improving the pitch, and conversions.

    1. Consider a headline along the line of: You are getting into problems with Alcohol. You don’t have the disease called ALCOHOLISM. The disease has you! You’re OUT OF CONTROL, right now! Here’s how you can begin to get control.

    2. The video testimonial Idea is a great one. They need to put a little more into them about AA and how this program relates to AA. Does it replace AA or compliment it? Is it good without AA?

    3. Will definitely needs BIGGER buy buttons, with specific text on them other than just “Buy Now”. Perhaps “Send Me The Help I Need!”; or just “Help Me Right Now!”

19. Comment by Tracy Culleton — May 25, 2009 @ 11:57 am

    Hi Mike,

    Congratulations on creating a product that will help people overcome alcohol dependency. As Clayton says, that’s something very powerful.

    As I read your sales letter I could see that you had learned a lot about copywriting tricks and were using them. The trouble is that it looks as if you just threw them all in there, and you overdid some of them, as I explain below.

    So my comments are as follows:

    I didn’t like the statement ‘in the privacy of your own home’ at the top. It’s not a big enough benefit to have such prominent webpage real estate. Also, it reads as if you’re only going to stop drinking in the privacy of your own home, but might still be drinking outside. Of course, a moment’s thought shows that that’s not what you meant, but anything that makes the reader step outside the reading trance, to give that moment’s thought, is counter-productive. You want the reader IN the reading trance and reading away.

    The headline is too long, or rather, doesn’t flow well enough to justify the length. It seems to me that your biggest benefit is that the client can stop drinking easily, without pain (although as swanns paul said above, it would be essential to test to see what purchasers thought was the biggest benefit).

    So I’d have a simple headline along the lines of:

    “Would you like to stop drinking easily and effortlessly? No struggle, no deprivation? (In inverted commas to show that it’s suggested text, rather than the headline in inverted commas.)

    Then move onto the subheading. Although I wouldn’t guarantee them that, for example, they’ll be more of a success than they ever thought they’d be - you can’t make that promise. Now they’re a drunk loser, after using your program they might just be a sober loser.

    And if they’re looking for info on giving up drinking, you don’t need to sell them on the advantages of giving up drinking. At least, not in the heading - you can push them in the letter.

    So I’d make the subheading something like: “All without going to AA meetings, going to rehab, or taking any drugs.
    Let me show you how.”

    (Also, look at your formatting - the text wraps around the photos in a disconcerting way. I’m reading the caption under your photo, as the eye is drawn to do, and it says, “Drinking”!!

    At this stage it’s not relevant to your premise that you’re a TV producer, so I wouldn’t say it. Just put your name and ‘Creator of Change Your Mind About Drinking’.

    Now to the letter itself. I like the first three paras - with the threat that the drinking will mess up their lives even if it isn’t now, and the implied take-away, asking them to leave the site now.

    I don’t however think that the inverted commas around the subheading works, either here or the other places in the letter you have them. Those inverted commas work in headlines, but when the subhead is part of the sentence, it’s very jarring and interrupts the flow.

    I also didn’t like the testimonial so soon, or at least not there, as I felt it interrupted the flow.

    To continue the flow, continue then by saying something like, “However, if you ARE willing to read on, then you’ll discover the key to easily and effortlessly quitting drinking forever - and quitting because you WANT to, not because you feel you should.

    Imagine how good that will feel - saying no to drink without the slightest regret!”

    I didn’t like all the attempts at subliminal programming - e.g. ‘you will know, without a shadow of a doubt’ and the bit about the Inner Guide. Done well, it’s brilliant, but this isn’t done well. It’s so blatant, and my Inner Rebel was going, ‘No I won’t!’, rather than having the suggestion sliding effortlessly past my conscious mind.

    So maybe move on with something like, “With this revolutionary programme you won’t have to imagine it - you’ll experience it for real. And you’ll be amazed at how easy it was. No willpower, no drama, no struggle. All you have to do is to read a short book, watch a DVD and listen to an audio. How does this work, you might be asking? Well, I’ll tell you, but first let me explain how I came by this secret alcohol zapping weapon.”

    (I wouldn’t say the bit about you knowing them - that can get their back up. And then you tell them they have willpower. But they know they don’t, or they’d have given up drink already. And they don’t WANT to use willpower, that’s too hard. And you’re offering a solution that doesn’t require willpower, which is one of your biggest benefits, so don’t lose that by talking about willpower.)

    The statement: “Without help you won’t give up your drinking. That’s a fact” made me wonder too. It’s a bold statement but you don’t back it up. And people DO give up drink without help. Not many, for sure, but some. Maybe say something like, “Very, very few people manage to give up drink without help. That’s no shame on those who don’t manage - drink has a powerful grip. But with the right help - ahh, that’s a different story. And what I have to share with you here IS the right help, as you shall see.”

    I like this bit you’ve done; it’s good: “The typical method suggested to quit drinking is to admit to having a problem. Go into a rehab program. Get a sponsor. Go to AA meetings. Tough it out. Struggle. And then relapse. And start all over again.

    Well, there is another way that I would like you to know about that is, frankly, a whole lot easier, proven effective, private, and available to you 24/7.”

    But again the formatting is wrong. The bolding is actually fading, and the testimonials are in the way. Is the quote from Larry Gatlin just lyrics from a song? It’s not a testimonial if so. It reads funny to me anyway.

    This next bit is good: “If you have read this far, it’s probably because you know, and are admitting, YOU have a drinking problem and would like to do something about it.

    Congratulations… You have taken THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP. You’re on your way to freedom. Now take the second step and continue reading because…”

    The headline doesn’t work though as it’s in inverted commas and it actually doesn’t read right at all; I’m not sure what you’re trying to say at the end of it when you say “The Program I Want To Tell You About Has The Power To Change The Way You Think, Act, And Feel The Power To Change Your Life” - at the very least it’s missing puncutation between the word ‘feel’ and ‘the power’.

    Is the product developed by a ‘brain trust’ (whatever that is) of leading experts? Or by you?

    So I would continue the previous bit, i.e. “Congratulations… You have taken THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP. You’re on your way to freedom. Now take the second step and continue reading because…”

    by saying something like:

    “this program - Change Your Mind About Drinking will do exactly that, change your mind about drinking. Right now you find it pleasurable and you enjoy it (at least while you’re doing it). Now, if you could change your mind about that, what would happen? If your mind found drinking to be distasteful and unpleasurable, how difficult would it be to stop? Not at all difficult is the answer - and that’s the power of this program! When you change your mind about drinking, there’s nothing to give up. You just don’t want to do it any more. That’s freedom.”

    Your story with drink isn’t relevant. You aren’t a problem drinker, and the one time you overdid it, you helped yourself with AA rather than your program. Also the examples of the man whose liver gave out on him, and the drunk-driver etc - aren’t relevant here. They don’t add to the sales momentum. Likewise the list of different kinds of people doesn’t add anything.

    I see that you’re trying to do the ‘agitate’ part of the sales letter, but it doesn’t work here - I think it should be earlier, if you decide you need it.

    Also it’s confusing the way you start to tell us how you came to create the program, and then say you’re starting to get ahead of yourself, and then start telling us again. It interrupts the flow.

    At this stage I think it would be right to say how you came to think of this program - the story about the media stuff is good, and relevant. But it needs to be told much more succinctly. And you do need to include why you thought of people with drink problems, but it needs to be more relevant.

    And then introduce what it is - there’s lots of good stuf about that already, but it needs to be pulled together and tidied up. (And put the testimonials in between paragraphs, not in the middle of them. It’s very annoying to see a statement such as ‘how terrific is that?’ and not knowing what it refers to without reading back, because you’ve just read a testimonial rather than the ‘terrific’ thing.

    This is very good, with a few provisos, below: “Change Your Mind About Drinking is an innovative, entertaining, dramatic, compelling, motivating multi-media program. On the surface it’s just a 90 minute DVD, a 60 minute Audio CD, and a 100 page Guidebook.

    “But That’s Just The Package It Comes In.
    It’s What’s Inside That will Blow Your Mind And Turn Your Life Around”

    All you have to do is put on the DVD, listen to the audio CDs, and read from the Guidebook, over and over again, until amazingly, in no time at all, you will realize that your urge, your desire, your compulsion to drink is gone.

    And the next thing you know, you’ll be feeling like a million bucks, bopping around with confidence, a big smile, and a renewed sense of purpose in your life.

    I can already hear you saying…

    “I Did It. I Took Control Of My Drinking Problem.
    I Changed My Mind About Drinking. I Am Free”"

    As said before, lose the inverted commas in the subheads. (In fact, play around with not having so many subheads). And you need to tidy up the statement that you listen ‘over and over again’ and it takes ‘no time at all’, as that’s an absolute contradiction.

    I think you need to explain more about the re-programming of the brain taking time, that it’s not a one-shot deal. But it’s easy - the just listening/reading/watching.

    My immediate reaction about hearing about the other 20 men and women was ’so what?’ I don’t care about them, I just want to know how *I* can stop drinking. And YOU’RE going to show me that, right?

    The listing of what the course includes is good, again except that your bolding is actually ‘fading’ and it’s interrupted with the testimonials.

    The list of what else the program will do is good, again with the proviso that the subhead format doesn’t work.

    This is good; a few comments below: “From my twenty-five years of experience using mass media to change behavior I have learned an invaluable lesson…

    If you want to create anything you want, anything you desire, you have to make certain your thoughts, feelings, actions, and your unconscious are firing simultaneously and in alignment.

    When you are in alignment with your thoughts, feelings, and conscious and unconscious beliefs you can overcome anything that is standing in the way of your health, wealth, and happiness.

    “When Your Thoughts, Feelings, And Conscious and Unconscious Beliefs Are In Alignment
    YOU WILL BE ABSOLUTELY UNSTOPPABLE!”

    And that’s why Change Your Mind About Drinking has been designed as a multi-media program that affects and influences your visual, auditory, and kinesthetic senses acting on your head and your heart simultaneously.

    Every visual element has been carefully crafted to positively impact your head, your heart, and your body.

    The Audio CD was designed to engage your auditory sense and implant new, life-enhancing inner sounds in your head while eliminating those sounds and voices that keep you in a state of dependency.

    The Guidebook is not an ordinary book that you read and then put down. This is a Guidebook filled with powerful, scientifically proven exercises, simulations, and techniques that you can immediately apply to your daily life.

    And every exercise, technique and simulation in my guidebook is scientifically proven to work.”

    The only comment I would have is that laypeople maybe don’t know what ‘kinesthetic’ is.

    I do wonder, though, at then offering it to people without a drink problem. It’s complicating the message. Adn why would people without a drink problem be reading this?

    The value-build-up is good, but again make it flow. You show how it’s worth $15,000 and then go straight into asking would we pay $5,000. I suggest that first of all you say, “But you won’t have to pay anything like $15,000. I want this to be accessible to everybody. So would you pay $5,000? I know it’s a lot of money, but it’s worth it because … ” and then prove it’s worth $5k, and repeat. I would make the drop from $5k to $4k bigger though.

    The ‘takeaway’ bit - “it’s not for everyone” doesn’t quite work as then you prove it is! I like the bit about ‘what would be different for you tomorrow?’ but would reprhase it differently.

    **********

    So, there are a few of my suggestions. The best of luck with it! Tracy

    - except for the formatting and the inverted commas.

20. Comment by Kit — May 25, 2009 @ 11:59 am

    I am SO happy Clayton put this out there today. What a great message that is going to reach people who need to hear it, and I am sure you knew that!

    We all know people who could use this program. I am going to be sending that link out today.

    Suggestions - when I imagined the people I want to send this to watching it, I thought there were too many well known people in the video compared to regular folks with the problem, regular like the ones who are going to watch it. I would make it more regular folk, because it will show on their faces what this has done to them. Not some person who is used to getting makeup on and looking just fine. And, it was just too preachy, if you know what I mean. The music also started to sound like church music. May work for some, but it was a turn off to me. I think the video has to reach out and touch much more deeply than it does. There are some powerful emotions that need to be let loose, and this video just seems too timid.

    Yeah, timid.

    Perhaps it is too broad of a niche to direct this to all alcoholics? Men, Women, and age groups could be approached separately. By example, I would not try to sell a product genericaly to all overweight people. I would have to aim it at one portion of them.

    I also think the price should not be another click deeper into it, I think it should be very visible. But, another thought - how many people in this boat are going to have credit cards or any money to spare? So, find a way to get past that problem. It might be the one reason they are not buying. Payment plan offered?

    Get some reciprocity feelings going with a free mini outline of some sort? Yeah, AA is free, but they haven’t gone there yet most likely. Maybe give them a local listing of AA or how to find it? I know alot of people may be just too ashamed to admit any of this publicly just yet. Set up a free chat room to talk to others anonymously?

    And finally, the message is getting mixed up due to the title saying it is about drinking, but then it mentions in the video it is also for drugs. To me those are 2 entirely different ball games.

    Win or lose, I hope this helps. It is a powerful problem and thank YOU for working to get help for folks.

    Kit

21. Comment by John — May 25, 2009 @ 12:02 pm

    I have to say that I did not peruse his site in great detail with a truly critical eye. Nothing really struck me that hasn’t already been mentioned by those who have posted comments.

    However, after skimming through it and dwelling on the benefits that he starts listing about halfway down the page, I began to wonder if his techniques could be modified for a more generalized self-help/self-improvement program.

    As for my suggestions, perhaps Mr Mears might find that forming an association with organizations such as M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) to be helpful. Although, in hindsight, that is a fairly obvious (duh) idea.

    So… how about working with responsible drinking institutions (bars, pubs, lounges, etc.) that truly care about their patrons. I have a bit of knowledge about this as my sister owns a small-town bar and is also a supporter of M.A.D.D. Like a lot of small-town bars owners, she has gotten to know and become friends with patrons, too many of whom have been lost to excessive drinking related causes.

22. Comment by Otto — May 25, 2009 @ 12:03 pm

    Hi,

    Having lost someone close to years of alcohol abuse, I know what this is like.

    So, yes, I would love to see this do well.

    In the letter, there are loads of issues to be solved on a basic level:
    - Quotation marks where they are not needed
    - Red sub-titels are over used and prevent you from getting into the story
    - A “buy now” button that seems to come from nowhere, because the price wasn’even communicated
    - testimonials that don’t pop out, because of the design

    I can go on for a while, but so can others. Which is why I’ll leave that to them.

    What I can add is more personal:

    A few very important points are touched on, but drowned in a blurb of words or not given enough attention.

    First, there’s the element of “doing it yourself”. Powerful stuff. Because the hurdle of going to the AA or seeking help is big.

    Here’s why:

    It’s not that abusers don’t know they are abusers. They’re ashamed to admit it. Not to themselves, but to others. Now if there’s a way to solve the problem without admitting it to others, that’s a massive argument already.

    The headline needs to be cleaned up to make this element of it much more powerful.

    After the headline, a much stronger intro is needed. There’s a great start: “If It Isn’t Doing So Already, Your Problem Drinking Will Soon Enough
    Mess Up Your Family Life, Your Social Life, and Your Career”

    Now, this start needs to be reinforced with hard-hitting copy. No need for velvet gloves, because the reality is harsh.

    Plus, people don’t want to hear from a social drinker, they want to hear from someone who was in the gutter. Someone whose children were ashamed of him/her. Who was ashamed him/herself after loved ones had to get him out of an embarrassing situation, because he was incapable himself.

    ONLY TO DO IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN

    Until…

    the solution came to the rescue..

    Then you go over to the other basics: what it is, what it does, what it costs, how you can get it and what the guarantee is.

    I hope this helps your buyers get back on track again.

    Otto

23. Comment by Martin Luxton — May 25, 2009 @ 12:05 pm

    The video is too well made and the testimonials seem scripted.
    I think that’s a big turnoff for alcoholics because part of their pain is the disconnect between their lives and that of ‘normal’ happy people.

    I think you should stop pussyfooting around and get straight to the point.

    Are you ready to stop drinking?

    No? Good luck. See you in the morgue.

    Yes? Keep reading because I might just save your life.

    Martin

24. Comment by Thomas Katovsky — May 25, 2009 @ 12:10 pm

    May be better to start with the authors testimonial after the benefit headline and then ask the reader to watch a FREE video clip with an email capture with the promise of a special free report on how anyone, no matter how long they have been drinking can see that’s it’s never too late to turn their life around

    non celebrity videos may be good to have

    also, the price of the program is hidden until you click buy

    there also may be an incentive to purchase now

    maybe start a blog http://www.supportfordrinkerstostop.wordpress.com where those that have gone thru the course can continue to share their experience.

    maybe include a monthly teleconference call with your purchase of the course

    maybe offer a $1 trial for the course to try out for 30 days and then billed to their credit card at $9.97 a month

25. Comment by Gordon Alexander — May 25, 2009 @ 12:12 pm

    I’m going to suggest a different approach. This is a very personal product, so a real story, from a real person who has been in those shoes might work better, it may be worth testing.

    Instead of the “sales letter” how about a more personal approach:

    HEADLINE: I’m an alcoholic.
    Subhead: I’ve been sober for 11 years but I know there is no cure for my disease.

    My name is Bob Parks and I live in Nashville, TN and I’m a sound editor. I’m a real person.
    (one of the testimonials, non-celeb)

    Today my family and friends enjoy visiting me. It wasn’t like that 11 years ago when I was ashamed and embarrassed and my family was too, even though I knew I didn’t have a problem, my “partying” was their problem.

    I was NOT an alcoholic. I could handle my alcohol. I proved it by handling it as often as I could.

    AND I FELT GREAT. When I was drinking, I liked myself.

    How about you?

    The problem for me was this, it was the ONLY time I liked myself. The only time I felt good about me. The only time when I didn’t feel like a complete failure and a fraud.

    I fought my feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and inhibition with the bottle. And the bottle won. I had no idea of how much of life I was missing out on because I was often too drunk to notice or too drunk to care.

    Today, I use the tool that has kept me sober for 11 years (one day at a time) and want you to use it too, if you are ready to change your life. But only you can answer that.

    The tool that has worked for me and thousands of others is used in the privacy of our homes; without meetings, without rehab and without embarrassment.

    No one even knows I have this remarkable tool. It is my personal and private alcoholic prevention assistant.

    I no longer have the mood swings, memory loss and insomnia that drove me to pick up the bottle in the first place.

    I know I’m NOT cured of my disease. But I am SOBER, today at least.

    And with the tool in my house ready and willing to help me make it through tomorrow too, I’m more confident than I’ve ever been. 11 years and counting confident.

    Have you ever wondered how your life could be better if you stayed sober?

    You know that alcohol is not the friend you think it is.

    Alcohol is not the tool that leads you to a better life.

    Alcohol leads you to surround yourself with other people who are not in control or command of their own lives. Birds of a drunken feather, flock together, don’t we?

    If you are really ready…and you WANT to change your life and become a NEW person, who is comfortable with yourself, confident with your abilities and certain that people really like you for you…then today is the day to

    Change Your Mind About Drinking.

    Change your mind, change your life for the better. I did it, you can too.
    *****************

    Then continue with the copy and testimonials.

    I too would chop the video up into smaller bites. Capture page would, with free report might help. But in this promotion, I’m not feeling the rapport with a drinker who may or may not WANT to stop drinking. If the traffic that reaches the site somehow has ID’d itself as s person who wants to stop drinking, then leave most of the copy as is, AFTER it becomes personal with a story from a real person wh has used the product.

    If the traffic is less targeted, I’d suggest a FREE report, as has been suggested.

    The main suggestion I offer is: Make it a story about a REAL person.

    Gordon Alexander

26. Comment by John Deck — May 25, 2009 @ 12:27 pm

    The following is as I thought of ideas and comments. It is already long and I did not even get into the copy it self (which needs a rewrite)

    Testing
    1. Get Google Website optimizer and test all changes.

    2. Get Clicktail (I believe that is what is called) to monitor how visitors are using the site.

    Formatting (Web Copywriting)
    1. Major formatting problems through out. I was unable to scan read the page for example

    2. First line “Here’s HOW …” should be one line left justified.
    a. Change to “Do you want to free of …”
    b. Or maybe “Are you ready to stop drinking?”

    3.Main headline “What if …” is too long and unreadable.
    a. Maybe “What if I Absolutely Guaranteed to Show You how to Effortlessly Stop Drinking?”
    b. Break the rest of the line into bulleted hooks
    c. Summary: Rewrite and test main title.

    4. Statement next to Michael’s picture again is too long and hard to read
    a. Keep to big value

    5. Left justify main copy.

    6. Testimonial boxes; use pictures

    7. Take some of the material form the video and also make into testimonials with video clips.

    8. Over use of red. Could use yellow in places.

    9. Break the into key value hooks with bullets for support.

    10. Where bullets are used is not effective.

    11. Use graphics even if only with testimonial.

    12. Frankly the copy needs a complete rewrite. What is the
    story and flow here?

    Headline
    1. While mentioned above, this is critical. Test multiple headlines and find a good one.

    Video is an info commercial.
    1. Video might be fine for TV, but too long and bland for web. I only watched it for 15 minutes or so.

    2. Break it up, and use pieces in page body as part of testimonials. Get strong call for action early on.

    Buy Button.
    1. Make it prominent. Hardly even notice it. Can barely read the “BUY NOW”. Generally the bigger the better (to a point)

    Strategy
    1. What is strategy here?

    2. Who is the target audience?
    a. What is their profile?
    3. Where is the web traffic coming from?
    a. Organic?
    b. Pay-per-click?
    c. Other?

    4. How about using social media, blogs, and videos on YouTube to help drive traffic?

    5. How about affiliate program? Now that could be a big source of traffic.

    6. Is driving traffic to a “sales page” the best strategy?
    a. What about a squeeze page and give free information?

    Build up the value for what they are getting.
    1. Show picture of physical product

    NO!!!! Opt-in box.
    1. Offer free mini-coarse or eBook for giving email address.

    2. Could boost sales significantly by using email mini-series.

    3. No on-page optin box?
    a. What about an exit pop up?

    Order page.
    1. What is the order page abandonment?

    2. Restate what they will be getting and the benefit.

    3. Add trust factor like BBB Online

    4. Better order button phrases.

    NO Bonus!
    1. Juice up the offer with some bonuses!

    Guarantee
    1. Make the “Lifetime Guarantee” prominent!

    Copy
    1. Make it real and personal. Reads well but does not grab you.

    These are just some ideas after a quick look. Hope they help.

    John Deck

27. Comment by Jonathan — May 25, 2009 @ 12:35 pm

    I agree with previous comments. Some of their cents are really spot on. Especially the ones which say it just doesn’t relate to a alcoholic. He doesn’t want to be sold on this one. He needs to relate, perhaps a personal story, yank his heart strings - make him feel, hey that’s my story, perhaps I can have the same results. Connect, connect on a personal level.

    AND Red is the wrong bloody color (laugh). Stop Drinking (must stay red - but only those two words consistently) make the rest of the red text a nice calming blue which invites the reader to continue reading instead of making him feel like a stupid school kid whose teacher got blood lust on his precious text.

    Punch line: What If I Absolutely Guarantee (Wrong direction - you can’t guarantee a alcoholic anything and you can’t play what if either. This is addiction, it requires a jolt, a shot through the heart, etc…

    YOU CAN (red)STOP DRINKING(red)in the privacy of your own home…

    YOU CAN (red)STOP DRINKING(red)if you’re willing stick your arse into that chair and loan me your eyes for five minutes.
    YOU CAN …

    Got to load up on the YOU CAN and reverse mind swipe them with (red)STOP DRINKING(red) …

    So you get there brain into I CAN / and need to(red)STOP DRINKING(red).

    I would put the testimonials in a sidebar, with plenty of spacing. The text is too cramped. And too long considering the reader.

    Colors are all wrong. I don’t trust anything the pitch says. It’s to much of a sales pitch and not personal enough. The words are fine, but the appearance makes it too in your face(I think it is the red - blue/calm color is better). Again text is too cramped within the block quotes and yellow is the wrong background color. I haven’t had a beer and I am having a hard time reading it.

    Just a nice thought. The buy now button. Make it bigger, and have QUIT NOW.

    And that is all the time I have… got to go eat supper.

    Jonathan

28. Comment by Adam — May 25, 2009 @ 12:36 pm

    Three comments…

    1) What’s the big idea? Quit Drinking? Not very powerful. And the lead is pretty weak… “I really hope you will take five min” sounds desperate. Don’t beg them to keep reading, make it impossible to stop.

    2) Who’s the audience? It can’t simply be “alcoholics” - I’ve known my fair share and they’re not going buy this program, they don’t even think they have a problem.

    I would go for either (i) alcoholics who have hit bottom - inspire them with a picture of what life could be like if they buy the program… don’t scare them with tales of liver damage and friends wrapping their buick’s around a telephone pole OR (ii) family members of alcoholics - give your loved one the most powerful gift in the world… a future… and reclaim the relationship you lost to a bottle.

    3) Where’s the emotional connection? At one point in the letter it reads, “I don’t know you. I don’t know your story. I don’t need to.” Yes you do if you want to write a blockbuster promo.

    At another point the letter says, “I am not an alcoholic. In fact, I drink alcohol.” OK, if I got this far I’m done reading now. You’re not an alcoholic and you do drink alcohol but I’m supposed to believe you know how to help me?

    Ask yourself why alcoholics start drinking… Perhaps it was fun at some point. But for those looking to stop its not anymore. Tap into that emotion of helplessness and let them know you understand where they’ve been. Then paint a picture of where they can go/who they can become if they put down the bottle. Finally, show them how to put down the bottle.

    PS the design could also use some work. The top of the page is like a big red wall of words. And the flip flopping red and black through the body copy made it really difficult to read

29. Comment by Rick Guffey — May 25, 2009 @ 12:45 pm

    It appears that you have accomplished riding the coattails of well-known personalities.That brings a degree of crediblity to the project.

    Many if not all prospects are skeptical. You have to give them all the info they need to make a buying decision.And sometimes you have to give them time.

    I think that could be accomplished if you presented your program in small steps. Perhaps two or three mailings, with each mailing enticing the prospect to anxiously want the next portion of the program. Maybe a newsletter slowly introducing the next segment. This could easily lead into a monthly newsletter. Thus creating a domino effect. i.e. more subscribers, growing mailing list, more sells, etc. Just by reading the newsletter, the prospect will learn some valuable information about your program.

    Example the AA program has twelve steps. Perhaps you could build an informational follow-up kit. Twelve (or how ever many)steps around your product. You want to “brand” your product.To have your prospects trust you as an authority. You could test many significant elements and find the best results.

    Since a mast majority of problem drinkers, drink alone in the confines of their own home, I would reinforce the fact that your program will allow them privacy to become sober.

    Desperation can lead in one of two directions…towards despair, or hope. Give them a choice (preferably hope). would think that a gradual approach would work.After all problem drinkers are the last ones to admit they have a problem.

    The “fear of loss” approach often pulls better than the “promise of gain”.

    Rick Guffey

30. Comment by Lake Furney — May 25, 2009 @ 1:03 pm

    Dear Mike,

    First, I’d like to commend you on the great contribution you’re offering the world. I sincerely hope I can help.

    Clayton, if you deem my ideas good enough, please keep your products. I deeply respect that you’re willing to help this noble cause, and would like to contribute without incentive.

    I humbly offer the following:

    Having witnessed alcohol abuse firsthand, I can tell you that your copy is not taking advantage of the built-in emotional power at your disposal. For instance, the headline is more clinical than emotional.

    The kinds of benefits you outline in your headline, “stop drinking, overcome alcoholism, stay sober, etc.” Are all summary, surface results. They don’t convey the DEEP benefits that come with victory over alcoholism.

    I would call those things “features” rather than “benefits”. You want to find the BENEFIT of each feature, and present them in your copy. For instance, what’s the benefit of staying sober?

    Here’s one, “You’ll never have to see another crushing look of disappointment on your daughter’s face when she realizes you’re drunk - again…”

    To add to the power, add the benefit within the benefit. One effective way to do that is a parenthetical statement. As in, “You’ll never have to see another crushing look of disappointment on your daughter’s face when she realizes you’ve been drinking again (not to mention how good it will feel to look at YOURSELF in the mirror and actually LIKE what you see…)”

    My suggestion for your headline is that you establish IMMEDIATELY that you understand the anguish they are going through and that there’s hope. Example:

    [pre-head] “I knew I had a problem, but then it happened…”
    [Head] “When I Woke Up On My Kitchen Floor and Didn’t Know How I Got There, That Was Bad Enough. But What Happened Next Changed My Life Forever…”

    Now I’m not suggesting that you make up something. I’m sure you have your own “pivotal moment” story. I’m just illustrating a way you could grab their emotional attention right up front.

    Now, in terms of your marketing approach, you might consider what many internet marketing “gurus” are doing with great success right now.

    You could offer this program for a much lower price and you might even consider doing it for free!

    Here’s why: This program would be the first of a lifelong journey of self-improvement. You could then offer a steady stream of personal growth/success oriented product that this group would buy from you for years to come.

    Can you imagine the LOYALTY, the bond, the appreciation that the users of this program would feel towards you - the man who helped turn their lives around? That’s how many people are making millions on the net right now. Their establishing the relationship first with a valuable free product, then marketing to people who now trust them.

    Regardless of how you market it, I hope you found these copy suggestions helpful, and I wish you all the best success in the world. If you like my approach and you’d like any further help (since Clayton’s tied up ), please feel free to contact me directly.

    Highest Regards,

    Lake Furney
    lfurney@earthlink.net

31. Comment by Martin Lightbowne — May 25, 2009 @ 1:06 pm

    OK, first the good, If he’s already getting conversions off this sales letter then that’s a great sign. It means people obviously want his product and want to make it happen.

    So let’s go through the issues one by one.

    Issue Number 1 - The first “above the fold page”
    Depending on screen resolution either you see half of the video, or you see the whole video. If the video is intended as the main “gotcha” then you need to rearrange the top of the page to fit the whole video in. I’ll get to how to do this in a minute

    The other issue is that on initial glance on opening the page there is nowhere “natural” for the eye to rest. You have too much going on and your headline just doesn’t grab attention. Partly because it’s too long and partly because there’s just too much bold, red on the page.

    Recommendations
    1. Test “Here’s How To Stop Drinking In The Privacy Of Your Home…” as a graphic banner, verses a left aligned highlighted text. Black with capitalized letters and a yellow highlight. Get rid of the red - as there is too much red already on the page.

    2. With the headline, questions work best - and should be focused on the prospect directly. It also needs to be much shorter, and lead to a yes answer almost instictively… such as

    “Do You Want To Learn How To Easily, Safely And Instantly Stop Drinking And Stay Sober For The Rest Of Your Life…”

    with a subheadline of

    All In Less Than 45 Minutes, From The Privacy Of Your Own Home…

    The headline can then be a bigger font size and in red, and the subheadline can be the same size as the headline now but in black.

    The result of this is that it takes up less space and because of less red the headline stands out more.

    3. Then place your video on the right directly underneath the subheadline, about 75% of the dimensions it is now. Not only will it make it easier to download and play, it’ll also leave a nice gap on the left hand side where you can list 3-4 key benefit bullet points such as

    - the 3 secrets AA doesn’t want you to know about how to stop drinking in less than 45 minutes
    - how to quit drinking without days of anxiety, cravings, “the shakes” or any other side effect

    and any other hard hitting bullets you need.

    4. Your video - in the first 10 seconds all we have is a blank screen and a picture. Then in the first 30 seconds we get a picture of the product with a very brief “we have the solution.” That’s too long. People don’t wait around that long. Then the back ground music is not inspiring, and you change over to testimonials without any “cue in”. Additionally the person doing the video isn’t the same as the picture. That’s going to give the impression of an “infomercial” - creates doubt in the mind of your prospects.

    So what can you do instead. Ask pointed questions either text or directly to the person watching. Things that will grab their attention and speak directly to them.

    I’d also break out the testimonials until the end of the video, or take them out completely and put their video testimonials throughout the sales page.

    Stop refering to drink AND drugs throughout the video - keep it specific. Remember to the prospect they are just drinkers - not drug takers and you’re eliminating a large proportion of your audience.

    Finally when you’re going through and “scripting” your video make it like a sales teleseminar and more uplifting. Make the testimonials “whole” - in other words don’t space one testimonial out into 3 sections.

    5. Remove the picture and further black and red bold text completely. If you still want the picture and the short “bio” move the picture to the side of “From The Desk Of Michael Maers” and underneath the “from the desk” list writer, television producer etc…

    Also do it in the same font as the rest of the writing. Too many changes in font confuse the eye.

    Issue 2 - Testimonials
    Your text testimonials don’t jump off the page. Graphically they are uninspiring - paying a graphic designer to do a decent graphic for your testimonials (and in fact the whole page) would help immensely. Then take one key benefit from the testimonial and make it a headline such as “I haven’t had a drink since using the program…” for the first one.

    Also, remove the | from the start and end - it looks like a mistake, incorporate a picture of the person to boost “believablility” and then layout the name so that you have the name on one line, and then career and location on the next line and remove the –. You’re after a professional look.

    Using some of the videos out of the testimonial would help too.

    The other interesting way of doing the testimonials could be to make them “Real World Case Studies…” sounds less marketing and more personal. This would obviously need testing.

    Something else that demonstrate the impact a list of very short “statements” from testimonials down the right hand edge of the page. This can sometimes hurt conversion as they can be distracting but worthy of a test.

    Something like

    ———————-
    Change Your Mind
    About Drinking saved
    my marriage and
    allowed me to have
    the relationship with
    my daughter I always
    wanted.

    Bob Jones, IL
    ———————-

    A list of these the entire length of the sales letter shows the true power of the product.

    Issue 3 - Headlines Throughout
    Almost every other paragraph is a “headline” in read and bold. You need fewer headlines otherwise you lose flow. I’d recommend that you eliminate 2/3rds of the headlines, and have one headline every 3-4 paragraphs. By doing that you can then make them larger and they’ll stand out more. As people scan your sales page they’ll grab attention, instead of blending in as they do now.

    Issue 4 - Buy Now Buttons
    These look like the low quality ones available from Paypal. Not only do they look out of date but they don’t stand out either. This is where having a graphic designer do his magic will reap rewards. Show a picture of your product, combined with a nice orange button (large) that states Buy Now… Ideally the buy now button should be about 40%-50% of the page width and really make a statement.

    The other thing with the buy now buttons is placement. Sometimes early placement hurts the sales letter as its obvious what it is. Test your locations. Your first one is about 25% in, before you’ve even got to your offer.

    In terms of quantity - I’ve never seen a sales letter with 9 buy now buttons work effectively. It gives the message that you’re just after their money. I’d recommend looking at no more than 4.

    Also, remember your headlines throughout your text need to be as hard hitting as your main headline. Half your customers will only read the headlines and sub headlines. Make them count and highlight the flow of your “story”…

    Finally in addition to the 9 buy now buttons, you also have multiple DIFFERENT buy now links. It’s confusing your prospect. Keep it consistent. I don’t want to be confused about how to order.

    Issue 5 - The Product
    Apart from the video, you don’t have any pictures of your product on your sales page. Pictures increase value perceived and increase conversions.

    Then right at the very end of the sales letter you have a picture, that conveys the product is a single CD. $177 for a single audio CD? Rght at the point of buying you push people away by confusing them about what they’re buying.

    Issue Number 6 - Guarantee
    Your guarantee sounds great. You’ll lose your merchant account after your first chargeback though as you’re offering unlimited risk to them. You need to change it to a shorter time frame.

    This also works well with your prospects. I want to see results today, quick. Not “sometime in my lifetime” Make your guarantee stronger (and safer) with a 30 day, 60 day or even 90 day PERFORMANCE guarantee. Even double your money back. Something like

    I’m so confident that the Change Your Mind About Drinking video home study course will enable you to become drink free, that if you simply follow the course, complete the action steps and aren’t completely sober in 30 days or less, I’ll give you double your money back by way of apology. THAT’S how confident I am that this course will change your and your families life.

    Final point on the guarantee - why is your 100% satisfaction guarantee not linked to the text? People will stop at the graphic and not be able to read your guarantee so not know what it is.

    Issue Number 7 - Product Name
    Change Your Mind About Drinking is too long a name and doesn’t convey benefits. What is it your prospects are looking for? Change the name to that. Something like

    “Alcohol Free In 30 Days” Home Study Course
    “Be Drink Free Today” Home Study Course
    etc…

    Issue 8 - Price
    Nowhere in your sales letter do you mention price! Unbelievable but true. Not putting the price seems “scamish” to your prospect and doesn’t portray truth and honesty. Be proud of your price and build the value of why it’s ONLY $177 instead of the thousands of dollars to attend a rehab clinic, or weeks of shame attending AA clinics. Build the pain. Your prospect will always take the path of least pain. Make it more painful to not take your course than anything else and you’ll build the value.

    The other thing to consider is the actual price point. $177. You could probably charge $197 without much change in conversion. An extra $20 a sale easily adds up. However you obviously need to test different prices to work out maximum profitability. If you change $99 but see triple conversions it might be worth it.

    Finally, as you will get more conversions at the lower price points, can you “break” the product up into 2 units and do an upsell on the lower price point. This is usually the easiest way to increase customer value.

    Issue 8 - Bonuses
    People love bonuses, and they can easily increase conversion by 50% or more. Sometimes people will buy purely for the bonuses. Make them clear, and make them graphical as well to build value. Also price them realistically to build maximum value. You want your prospect to think it’s an absolute steal.

    Issue 8 - It’s Not Their Fault!
    At the beginning of the copy, you make it clear that you don’t know and don’t want to know their story. That THEIR problem can destroy their family, that it’s THEIR drinking problem.

    Start off softer. Explain that while you don’t know their personal story, you know hunderds of people come to this site looking for a solution. Victims of a stressed, high paced society, where sometimes the only was to de-stress is with a glass of wine or a cold beer in the evening. Then as the stress increases, it turns into 2 glasses or beers, and before innocent, hard working people know it, they have to face the reality that they can’t continue without drinking. And that’s where you come in and help…

    Much softer, personal and sounds like you care.

    You also hit them with, “Well, I have the solution to your problem!…” You haven’t proven that you understand them, feel for them or even know what their problem is.

    Of course you can’t “know” but you can demonstrate you understand.

    Issue 9 - Flow & Copy
    The flow of your copy needs thinking through. It’s quite “choppy” in places and not easy to read, while in others it’s too long on the same issue.

    What I like to do, is sit down and think about what I want to do on the key areas, in bullet point fashion. Such as

    1. Introduce and build rapport - let them know it’s not their fault
    2. Despite it not being their fault I understand - couple of “understanding” testimonials
    3. Explain how it happens

    etc….

    Then I like to make those bullet points into headlines, and write 3-4 paragraphs in between each headline.

    Then the copy flows much better, isn’t too long in any one section and doesn’t suffer from headline overdose (no pun intended!).

    Also, remember to keep it all focused on drinking. Remove all references to drugs!

    Issue 10 - Statistics
    You make bold claims like “Without Some Form Of Help, You Will Never Quit…”

    It sounds like a marketing “hype” situation - yet all it would take is to do a little research and pull up a study by Harvard University or a well known medical professional, make it stand out in a graphic and quote the source. Now you’re informing, not selling and it’s also a 3rd party communicating the fact not you, so it’s more believeable.

    Issue 11 - Statements From “Professionals”
    You have some very strong statements from professionals which is excellent, and yet they look just like regular testimonials. You need to differentiate them. If you’re going for graphic testimonials, have something that says “Industry Applause…” or something to that effect, that says “hey listen to these other experts too…”

    If you can even get video and/or audio endorsements as well that would significantly boost the value they’d convey.

    Issue 12 - Building Up You
    You spend numerous (as in lots) of paragraphs and text talking about you and your life experience. Don’t take this the wrong way but who cares! It should be about your prospect. Highlight why they should listen to you, build yourself up as an expert - of course, but what does being a TV producer mean to helping me solve my drink problem? Show me how you’re an expert at that!

    Issue 13 - Building Up Your Product
    You have a lot of material spread out over many paragraphs that doesn’t “jump out” and say “this is what you’re getting.

    Graphically show each piece of the product, and describe the top benefits of what I’m going to learn in that piece, then and the end, graphically show me the ENTIRE package, make it look amazing!

    Issue 14 - Benefits
    A lot of your benefits actually focus on the negative. “Eliminate The Shame…” - how about “Turn Your Life Around And Walk Around With Your Head Proudly Held High”. Be uplifting with your benefits and think of the positive. Paint pictures that make your prospects think “That’s what I want”.

    Issue 15 - A Strong Finish
    Once you’ve told them what it is, built the value and the guarantee it’s time to close the deal. Not keep going on and on. Finish strongly and challenge them to take action. Then give them a buy now button they can’t miss

    Finally Issue 16 - Colors
    You have too many colors in your text, light grey, dark grey, black, red, yellow. Keep it either black, red or bolded. It’s hard to read and focus and loses attention

    Hopefully that helps. These are the main issues. There are minor ones of course and lots of testing to be done, but if you implement these I’m confident you’ll see a dramatic increase in conversion. Any questions feel free to let me know.

    I’d also recommend that you consider having a professional copywriter write your letter for you. The money you’re losing every month would easily cover their fee.

    Take care
    Martin

32. Comment by Lake Furney — May 25, 2009 @ 1:09 pm

    Sorry about the typo in the second to last paragraph (’Their’ should have been ‘They’re’). This was an emotional post for me and I didn’t self edit before submitting out of my desire to get this out there.

    Anyway, keep up the good work.

    Lake

33. Comment by Jeremy McKay — May 25, 2009 @ 1:18 pm

    Mike the video is too long no one who surfs the web expects to spent more than 10 minutes on a video. The serif font is great on paper,but very tiring on the screen change it to a sans serif font. Your readers hang time will improve. Alot of red type on that page A few too many audiences, are you talking to the alcoholic or the Alcoholic’s family.

34. Comment by Fred Black — May 25, 2009 @ 1:29 pm

    The headline as well as a lot of the copy is not clearly written. Every bit of copy needs to be gone over and made easer to read, and shorter where possible. For example:

    “If It Isn’t Doing So Already, Your Problem Drinking Will Soon Enough Mess Up Your Family Life, Your Social Life, and Your Career”

    Reads easier as:

    “If Your Problem Drinking Hasn’t Messed Up Your Family Life, Your Social Life, and Your Career Yet, It Will – and Probably Sooner than Later.”

    The headline is WYAY too long, people will not read it, they’ll skip it. There are at least 3 or 4 headlines in there:

    “What If I Absolutely Guarantee How You Can Effortlessly Stop Drinking”
    “What If I Absolutely Guarantee How You Can Overcome Your Alchol Dependency”
    “What If I Absolutely Guarantee How You Can Effortlessly Overcome Your Drinking Problem”.

    The headlines should be in a split or multivariate test to determine a winner or winners.

    The video is also too long and should edited into 3 or 4 shorter videos spaced down the page.

    The first video’s content should be carefully selected footage of Michael.

    The first video should be directly under the headline.

    The other videos should break out each major celebrity, or situation (wife, husband, etc.)

    I don’t like the gray background – I’d use blue, black, or white and run tests to determine if one color converts better.

    The red and black question and answers, or statements and clarification, in the copy are too hard to read. I would break them up so that they’re easier to read. Perhaps putting them in some type of boxes or with some type of small line or small graphic element between them. Instead of red and black, I’d use the same color (black) and bold the first part (the part that’s currently in red). I also would left justify instead of center this text.

    For the yellow highlight quote blocks, I’d use the 3d effect to get more attention like I used here: http://www.pqSEO.com

    I would put the price at the end of the page.

    I would try a few plain text links for the shopping cart as well as the buttons. Test some various anchor text for the link such as “Click Here to Take Your Life Back Now”
    I would put the credit card logos at the bottom of the page and make sure you list them all, as well as Paypal, etc.

    I would use a buy button that did not have the status bar showing “JavaScript required”.

    I would use a buy button that changed colors when the mouse hovered over it, again, see my SEO product page for an example, as here again, try and test a few different wordings such as: “Buy Now”, “Start Now”, “Take Control Now”, “Change Your Mind Now”, etc.

    The bullets that you list on the page (“Build your inner strength”…) are hard to read too. Get rid of that light gray and make them black. Bold alternating bullets so that they’re easy to read. If you want to emphasize any words, use some yellow highlight background spanning the word(s).

    I would move the guarantee graphic and text above the yellow order box that lists the contents of the package.

    I’m not sure I would have any graphic on this page at all like the one you have at the bottom. If your traffic is high enough to perform a lot of tests, you could tests using that graphic at the top, at the bottom, and not at all.

    Fred

35. Comment by Joshua — May 25, 2009 @ 2:08 pm

    1) Update the video and bring it out of the 90’s. It dates your program which leads me to think the product is dated as well. You can still use the footage from older videos within updated videos as proof your program still works to date and has been updated through out the years (even if it has not.)

    ……………………………………………………

    Copy of your site…

    1) Use this as your PRIMARY FOCUS OF YOUR COPY and clean up your copy (details below)

    “The typical method suggested to quit drinking is to admit to having a problem. Go into a rehab program. Get a sponsor. Go to AA meetings. Tough it out. Struggle. And then relapse. And start all over again.

    Well, there is another way that I would like you to know about that is, frankly, a whole lot easier, proven effective, private, and available to you 24/7.”

    Shorten and simplify your sentences…

    Well there is another way you should know which is easier, more effective, private, and available to you 24/7.

    2) Through out the copy you write to 2 different people — your target audience and those who know a Dependant. Focus your message specifically to the Dependant.

    “I don’t know you. I don’t know your story. I don’t need to. Because there’s only one reason you’re reading this letter: You want to STOP DRINKING. (Or you are the loved one of someone with a drinking problem and you would like to help.)”

    There’s only one reason you’re reading this letter: You want to STOP DRINKING!

    3) Shorten the Headline. Remember who your customers are and what alcohol does to the brain. It would be interesting to know how many people land on your site already drunk looking for help. The headline is too long it would stop them in their tracks.

    Simplify.

    Keep this in mind when revamping your sentence structure as well. Eliminate unnecessary words and sections.

    4) At the bottom of the page where the buy now button is, change this sentence.

    “plus the possibility of living your life without the problems of alcohol!”

    plus living your life without the problems of alcohol!

    There is always possibility, but what your selling is a proven system. Think of it this way… would you buy a product from a site which states there is a possibility of “ultimate goal” becoming a reality — or — this is a proven and reputable way for you to obtain “ultimate goal”

    ……………………………………………………

    Aesthetics of the site…

    1) Use of Grey in your text to highlight. Grey is too close to the white background and is difficult to read, slowing your reader down and making it difficult to follow.

    2) Update your buy now button with a fresher look.

    3) Increase font size of the headers in red to help them stand out a bit.

    -Joshua

36. Comment by Keely Barton — May 25, 2009 @ 2:13 pm

    The copy appeals to me; the message is clear as a bell.

    I agree, the video is much too long. However, it is usable in this way:

    1. Break the video into at least 10 to 12 segments. Place each, in the appropriate subject/decision location. Perhaps place the video testimonials next to the written quote.

    2. More photos. Use one frame of each video segment to provide a click-through for each video.

    3. The price is LESS than my expectation.

    This is a program I would refer to others.

    Thanks for showing this case study, Clayton.

    K

37. Comment by Carrie Conner — May 25, 2009 @ 2:33 pm

    Hi Clayton and Mike,

    Oooh, this is fun — thanks for the opportunity.

    Let’s dive into the marketing:

    1) Sounds like there are two distinct audiences here — the addict and the family of addicts. Both have different needs and emotions. Breaking it into two separate sites will connect more intimately with each audience.

    2) You can offer each as a membership site, with ongoing support through vlog, newletters, cd’s, webinars with experts, (the possibilities are endless here) . . .

    3) Adding an interactive forum would act like an army of sponsors 24/7, so the members always have somewhere to turn for advice, support, or just a place to vent.

    The Video:

    1) Although I’m impressed the celebrity lineup, I felt disappointed when I discovered most of them hadn’t actually been helped by the product.

    The video wasn’t compelling until the regular Joe’s shared their real success stories with the program. The teary guy was most effective — his experience felt the most authentic and moving.

    Now, for the letter:

    1) Headline more specific and emotionally appealing (something like this):

    “Tired of struggling to stay sober? Finally, eliminate your urge to drink, in 60 days, guaranteed:
    * Without Taking Medicine.
    * Without Going Into A Rehab Program.
    * Without Ever Having To Attend An AA Meeting.
    * And Best Of All You Can Do It In The Privacy Of Your Home.

    2) Let’s make the body copy speak more to the reader. Delete everything down to the subhead and paragraph, “Change Your Mind About Drinking.” “Sound too easy?” . . . connect here with their struggle. The shame, frustration, the helplessness, the endless cycle of trying the typical solutions only to fail and feel ashamed again, etc.

    Then, offer them hope with your sentence of an easier, more effective solution:
    “Well, there is another way that I would like you to know about that is, frankly, a whole lot easier, proven effective, private, and available to you 24/7.

    A program that…
    (Bullet point the deepest benefits.)

    2) Introduce and build Mike’s credibility before going into more detail about the program. Give ‘em a reason to believe he’s the answer they’ve been looking for.

    Talk about Mike’s problem drinking, but delete the disclaimer about his not being an alcoholic — feels like it breaks the connection with the reader (and sounds condescending).

    Also, I’d get rid of most of Mike’s career history. It’s too much about him and not enough about the prospect.

    Dissecting this piece really got the ideas flowing this morning. I’m happy to share more if Mike’s willing to hear them.

    Thank you,

    Carrie Conner

38. Comment by Cheryl Antier — May 25, 2009 @ 2:37 pm

    Hi Michael and Clayton,

    Clayton asked us to take a look at your sales page and watch the video - and give you a critique. So, here’s mine…

    The first thing I did was check out your sub-head - and then I watched the video. After that, I read through your copy.

    Sub-head: Just doesn’t grab attention, or let me know that you’re talking to “me” or stick the knife in to make them feel the pain…

    Who are you trying to reach? And why are they going to be interested in reading further?

    For example, if your target audience are the “HFA’s” (High Functioning Alcoholics) - it’s likely they’re in denial about even being an alcoholic, because they don’t fit the “typical” stereotype of an alcoholic. HFA’s are able to maintain romantic relationships, have jobs (and often excel in their chosen professions), they have friends and are often involved in their communities. Of course, they’re still alcoholics and still need that drink every day.

    But if they’re your direct target - you have to hit the points that are going to resonate with them.

    (One way to do this is through a personal story - someone who’s been where they’re at right now - maybe did hit bottom - and then used your program to rebuild their life…but it has to be someone your reader will relate to, and told in such a way that they put themselves into the story.)

    Another potential obstacle is the fact that since they do all those things I mentioned above - it only increases their personal state of denial - and it may mean that the people closest to them may not believe they’re alcoholics or need help either. Or maybe they’re just frustrated, angry and or confused and are looking for answers…

    Statistically speaking, since HFA’s are less likely to feel they need help or treatment - and quite often they slide through the cracks of the system too… Which is why I think it’s important to know why and how are they searching for you in the first place? Also, knowing WHO is actually searching for you is important… (This could be instrumental in creating a concept and copy that gives you a higher conversion rate.) Where do the majority of your leads come from? (And you might also want to think about offline referrals that are sent to your Website… Depending on the information you’ve got about these stats, it might make sense to create two or even three different pages.)

    After watching and listening to the video, I did a little research - the National Epidemiological Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions states that only 25% of alcoholics ever receive treatment-indicating a serious problem of denial on a societal level - and also maybe pointing you in the direction your copy needs to take. (Several times these points were hit on in the video too… But more about that in a minute…)

    So again, a good question to ask would be - who are your “first responders” - the person who is looking for answers? Is it the HFAs themselves, family members or spouses - or someone else?

    Challenges to overcome - that will need to be addressed in your copy:

    IF THE POV IS: THE HFA (not in any particular order)

    *HFAs - appear to have a good - or even - great- lives to other people - it’s not unusual even for family members to deny the person is an alcoholic.
    HFAs are skilled at compartmentalizing their lives - they see their personal and professional lives as completely separate from their drinking lives.
    They don’t fit society’s stereotype of an alcoholic.

    *Whether it’s by luck or design, they seldom experience the consequences or losses that non-HFAs do because of their drinking - so they don’t believe they’ve “hit bottom” - and therefore aren’t motivated - or even convinced - that they need to quit drinking.

    *In fact, one of the common, recurring thoughts of an HFA is that “because they haven’t lost everything” - they haven’t hit bottom, so there’s no reason to stop drinking.

    *HFAs often think of drinking in two main ways: First as a reward (for reaching a difficult goal or accomplishing something they’re proud of), and second, as a way to reduce stress and help them relax (HFAs are often afraid they will lose control and even become violent - and they believe drinking helps them stay mellow).

    Points to Make in the Copy (Some are addressed in the video, some in your current copy and others from my “down and dirty” research):

    *Denial - I think this is the biggest obstacle you’re faced with - especially if the POV you’re trying to connect with is the HFA
    Feeling like things are coming apart at the seams, but not being able - or willing - to ask for help

    *Feelings of low self-esteem, lack of inner worth, not believing that people would love, respect admire them if they admitted being an alcoholic or asked for help

    *Mood and feeling swings - up and on top of the world one minute, lower than a rattlesnake’s underbelly the next

    *That they know that they can’t keep doing what they’re doing - one day they know it’s going to blow up in their faces

    *Willpower alone isn’t enough - and they already know that - because if it was, they would have quit already

    *This is not their fault - although continuing to do what they do is their responsibility

    *There is a powerful, easy to use system that’s been proven to work for thousands of others, and it will work for them too

    *If they don’t want to face the shame of everyone knowing, or risk having anyone find out, they can quit - in the privacy of their home, on their own

    *They can take the mask off, quit pretending to be somebody else, finally be themselves - because they won’t have to hide, or lie or continue to try to juggle it all

    IF THE POV IS: A SPOUSE, PARTNER OR FAMILY MEMBER (not in any particular order)

    *They know something’s wrong - or they think they do - but… from almost everything they’ve read, the person they’re worried about doesn’t fit the criteria of an alcoholic. (You might want to list the criteria)

    *Sometimes they feel like they’re crazy

    *They feel like it’s their fault - if they could just be more… or less… (again, you might want to make a list)

    *They feel like they’re constantly on a roller coaster ride - and the constant ups and downs are driving them crazy

    *They feel angry, or guilty or depressed all the time

    *Alcoholics often abuse their spouses - mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically

    *Children of alcoholics suffer from abuse as listed above, and suffer from low self-esteem as adults - they also have a higher chance of marrying an alcoholic or drug addicted person, and the cycle of abuse continues

    *Maybe their loved one has tried to quit before and fell off the wagon, but refuses to go to AA or rehab or even admit publicly they need help

    *Things aren’t going to change unless - or until - they do something

    Points to Make in the Copy

    *They are doing the right thing looking for help

    *They’ve taken the first step, the next step is to get the program
    * While the person they love is addicted to alcohol, alcohol is always going to come first - even at their own expense, or at the expense of their family, home, business or lives

    *Just hoping that things will change - or believing him/her when they say this time is “the last time” - isn’t enough

    *There is hope

    *It’s okay for them to be angry, frustrated, sad or depressed
    Addiction affects everyone, not just the alcoholic

    THOUGHTS ABOUT THE VIDEO:

    1. It’s too long. Here are some ideas:
    *Break it up - use Mike Farrell’s part in the one above the fold, for the obvious reasons you used him in the first place.

    *If you can separate the different speakers, make separate videos and add them in the parts of your copy - where they will help reinforce the points.
    It’s okay to not use parts of the video that don’t directly back up your most important points - there are different ways you can use them

    *Test positioning of the people in the videos. For example, you could do one celebrity spokesperson and then one “regular” person.

    And of course, when you’re putting the videos in, think about who you’re targeting.

    So if you’re writing from the POV of a spouse, Carol Lawrence, the actress whose husband was an alcoholic would go first - but I’d still break it up, and have her voicing the points you’re making. In that case you could test putting her video above each point you’re making, or below it.

    *Put some of the videos into a membership site. One of the things I was thinking when I was watching the video (and then later, when I was reading the copy) is that you’re trying to cram everything into this sales page - and I think that’s a big part of why you’re losing people.

    What you’ve got to offer is a good thing - heck, it’s a great thing - but there’s also an awful lot to absorb. So - what if you were to create a free membership site… and offer some free ideas, resources and validation - over time?

    What I’m thinking is this: decide on your main points, and keep offering the product. But also give people the opportunity to sign up - to see more videos, for example. Or to get a free checklist to find out if someone is an alcoholic. You could list resources in each state. Important phone numbers. Surveys, assessments, questionnaires.

    Again, you have to focus on who your target is… But let’s say it’s the spouse or partner. You could tell them they can find out more by signing up to a free membership site.

    It doesn’t have to be fancy - although a membership site is something that’s scalable and could even be offered as an upsell - with a monthly or annual fee sometime down the road. It’s also a great place to offer additional products and services, and of course, continue to educate them about this product.

    Once you’ve rewritten your copy and revamped your sales page, testing can show you where people are leaving - and you could offer the free membership site in an exit-popup, for example - which would be a way to get the contact info of the people who are leaving. And you could add checklists, surveys, other videos… even a forum, teleseminars, monthly interviews of experts, question and answer times, etc. a little at a time, to keep the membership relevant and fresh.

    Thoughts about your sales copy:

    Well guys, when I started watching the video and reading the copy, no one had commented yet - I just opened the page again, and now there are 30 responses. (Whoo hoo! Fantastic response Clayton - congrats Mike - when you get through reading and implementing, I’ll bet your sales will soar!)

    I read through them, and people have made some really good points - several of them are the same or similar to the ones I was going to suggest here - so I’m just going to add a few final thoughts:

    1. Improve your Headlines and subheads throughout the copy. If you’re not going to hire a copywriter for your rewrite, I’d suggest you read this article by Daniel Levis - it’s a brilliant way to create headlines that will do what you want them to do - connect with your reader.
    http://www.makepeacetotalpackage.com/daniel-levis/10-winning-headline-formulas.html

    2. Choose the person you’re talking to. Whether you’re talking to a spouse or the alcoholic, paint a picture of that person - not a bunch of people - in your mind. Write to that person - and make what you’re saying to the point, relevant and, most of all, only answer the questions they’re asking.

    3. Know What Your Relationship with Your Reader Is. You also need to decide where you’re at in your relationship with the person you’re talking to. (You’ll know that from you stats about who people are, how they’re reaching your Website, the keywords they’re using to find you and how much they already know about your product - and how much trust and credibility you have.)

    4. Talk to them from “who” and “where” you are. Your conversation will be different if you’re a friend than it will be if you’re a complete stranger and different than if you’re a trusted advisor. Respect the depth of the relationship, because it shows respect for your reader. Clayton wrote an excellent article about opening copy here:
    http://www.makepeacetotalpackage.com/clayton-makepeace/conversation-starters-how-to-create-opening-copy.html

    5. Rethink your headline colors and the font. (Mentioned several times… ;-0

    6. Cut down on the bio about you - it’s interesting, but there’s a lot that’s not relevant to the product. You could add a bio page on the membership site (if you decided to go that route) or add another page with a link that says if you want to know more about who I am and why you should listen to me, click here…

    7. Answer their Questions - and if possible, do it in the order they’re asking. When I’m online looking to buy something, my good angel and my bad angel are usually sitting on my shoulder, whispering questions in my ear. Things like - does this apply to me? Do I need this? How much is it going to cost (okay, my good angel - who not surprisingly sounds like my husband usually asks that one a few times), what happens if it’s not right for me, how hard is it going to be to return it, etc., etc. But something that always stops me is if I’m asking a question and I can’t find an answer - or the answer comes before I think of the question. And it usually means I go somewhere else to find what I’m looking for. Clayton wrote an article that could be applied to figuring this out:
    http://www.makepeacetotalpackage.com/clayton-makepeace/how-to-close-the-deal-2.html

    8. Your story about not being an alcoholic isn’t the right one. It doesn’t help the alcoholic relate to you, because it puts you in the light of being better than s/he is - because you conquered the problem before it got to the point they got to. One way of being able to reach the reader might be to tell the stories of others - but with each field story, make only one point… for example, “Bob” who was one of the top salesmen at his company, got the big deals, made great money - but on the inside kept waiting for the other shoe to fall… Or if your POV is a spouse, this is a great place for Carol Lawerence’s story…

    For the rest - the others have made some great comments, and you’ll be getting plenty of great advice from them! And if you’ve got particular questions, the archives of the Total Package is a great place to start…

    Best of luck with your page. I’m sure we’d all be interested in seeing the finished product!

    Warmly,

    Cheryl

39. Comment by Bogdan Irimia — May 25, 2009 @ 3:14 pm

    DRINKIN PEOPLE DON’T SPEND TIME READING AND SURFING THE INTERNET. Their family is. Maybe that’s a point you should cover/test

    Bogdan

40. Comment by David Yacobucci — May 25, 2009 @ 3:19 pm

    I would change the “Buy Now” boxes scattered throughout the copy since it’s a blantant attempt to sell.

    Instead, try “Give this program a try.”

    I’d also strengthen the guarantee to something along the lines of: “we’re so sure that this program will change (or save) your life, we won’t even bill your charge card for thirty days. Once you’ve received the program, we want you to put our claims to the test and try it for 30 days and see if it isn’t everything we said it would be.”

    “If within thirty days (or 60 days) you’re dissatisfied for any reason at all, simply send the program back and we won’t bill your charge card. And you may keep the free bonuses.

    And don’t forget…our lifetime guarantee still applies after you’ve invested in what is undoubtedly the best use-at-home-stop-drinking program available.

    That’s right…even after you invest in us we will still honor at anytime our full refund guarantee.

    In addition, if there’s not a separate landing page with something offered for free, that can easily be added with a link to this website as the sales piece. This would bring to order a two-step close instead of a one-step.

41. Comment by Bogdan Irimia — May 25, 2009 @ 3:29 pm

    Why should I give up drinking, if I am always drinking? I don’t know if someone is going to take time to read that, remember…..they like to drink…..why should I stay to read your letter …..drinking makes me happy, If I stay at the computer and surf the internet I would not stop to read an ad that makes me give up the thing I like ….only if you scare the hell out of me….

    These people …why do they drink? Why do they started drinking? You should go to AA and find something about your market….. to know why they are drinking…..what do they run from…..what FEELINGS are they trying to supress…..and tell them they will never have to feel that way again. Maybe it’s because other people around them drink…why do they do that……

    Of course there are a lot of things to test…… sorry I didn’t read your letter but the headline stopped me …..

    Why should I give you 5 min if I am already happier (if I am ) , and I think you could reach a broader market if you look to see how do people get to AA and everything out there…..

    Yes I am sorry about not reading and saying what I would feel about a market like that…since….I know a few people who drink…..and some only like to drink…have no reason to give up only because their health…..and sometimes not only then…so you have to find out their deep feelings…..and in a way blackmailing them to give up drinking. Remember this is like drugs, and the family wants to help them.

    You can’t talk with an drug addict, and you can’t rationalize all the time.

    Hope this will help

    Bogdan

42. Comment by Andy Beard — May 25, 2009 @ 3:29 pm

    Just a few key items that are actionable

    1. As an affiliate I would hate sending traffic to the current site, because it isn’t specific enough.
    You would need to do extensive keyword research with specific landing pages to see what terms people would actually opt in on.
    Alternative would be to use a landing page using Eben Pagen’s quiz style, so you can address specific needs of the visitor in your copy. There are tons of scripts out there, and Eben’s was a free giveaway.

    2. Where is the pain, and how the author relates to that specific pain, and testimonials specific to that pain

    3. I love the idea of the “results in advance” sales process, though not sure how that would work in this niche.

43. Comment by Bogdan Irimia — May 25, 2009 @ 3:55 pm

    an to go with what alexander said…. at postion 23 , if it’s a real sotry …..to point out to the family that they can help him quit drinking a title like discover the story of a blah blah man, and how he quit drinking and blah blah (something that says it changed his life or the lifes around him……)

    or directly …the story of a (some detailed description here….) and how he quit drinking (or ….how he got to the point that he can’t even smell alcohol , or something absurd)

    Bogdan

44. Comment by sal — May 25, 2009 @ 4:40 pm

    I have two ideas

    1.-how about getting them a free report on how to stop drinking. something like 10 reasons why you should stop drinking right now.to get their names and e mail address.
    2.- shorter headline.

    You Owe it To Your Self And Your Family Here is The Easy Way On How To Stop Drinking And You Don’t Even Need To Leave The Privacy Of Your HOme.

45. Comment by DanLopez2012 — May 25, 2009 @ 5:06 pm

    Most of the posting above were good.
    A recent study I’ve unearthed showed a much better turn around was achieved by engaging and having the prospect put in writing, what has drinking done for them, why they want to quit. What would they do when they quit. And then offer the best response or 5 best response[s] get the package free.

    This tactic changes the prospect from skeptical to egaged and hungry. Emotionaly it applies a brain stamp that they almost invariably need to see through.

    A test of public vs private posting may require testing as public process may yield a lower degree as a private. Wherein the poster may be anonymous in their activity for the contest but for some reason is more inclined to follow through as opposed to a public display. Just saying.. Good luck.

46. Comment by ljordan — May 25, 2009 @ 5:26 pm

    I think that the theme in which the product is presented should be revisited.

    The main benefits of headline convey that this product will solve the prospects problems without medicine, AA, and rehab programs. The letter fails to deliver on those promises.

    The letter is more geared toward persuading someone that they have a problem and need to do something about it now before it’s too late. It does not necessarily make a clear case for the reason why this video is the answer to peoples substance abuse compared with AA, Medicine, or rehab programs.

    The products Unique Selling point or nature as Joe suguarman would explain is the “ Media Imprint Formula”. Talked about at the end of the video.
    THE POWER OF THE TAPE IS ITS ABILITIES TO CURE SUBSTANCE ABUSE THROUGH THE MEDIA IMPRINT FORMULA.

    Assuming the above intended theme it should be clearly demonstrated that it can curb substance abuse “naturally without medicine”. I want to see some testimonials supporting this. It should show how in effective AA meetings are while subjecting individuals to public humiliation. How does the science of the Media Imprint Formula alter thoughts and behaviors to curb drug addiction. Maybe some research proof.

    I think more thought should be put into what the main benefits are in relation to who the target customer is.
    Recovering addicts who have been to countless AA meetings, prescribed dozens of medicine and still can’t kick there habits.

    Those who are coming to grips with their situation and are trying to find a solution but fear the humiliation of AA meetings and Rehabs.
    Concerned family members who can help loved ones anonymously.

    From watching the video it seems to be targeting the average everyday adult substance abuser. I think this information could be used to come up with a more compelling intro like some of the others have commented.

47. Comment by Sherri Ashley — May 25, 2009 @ 5:52 pm

    I’m not going to sugarcoat this so please take this critique in the way that it is meant - to be helpful

    1)Change 1st headline:
    Here’s HOW TO STOP DRINKING in the privacy of your own home…

    to:

    Learn HOW TO STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL NOW from the privacy of
    your own home

    WHY: 3 keywords (exact phrase match)
    STOP DRINKING - 14800 SEARCHES APRIL 2009
    HOW TO STOP DRINKING - 3600 SEARCHES APRIL 2009
    HOW TO STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL - 1000 SEARCHES APRIL ‘09

    2) There are 2 ways to go from here:

    A)Create a landing page that is short and to the point
    I would start is with:
    YOU are here for 1 of 2 reasons:
    - YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW TO STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL
    OR
    - SOMEONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE NEEDS TO
    STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL

    Tell them/congratulate them on already completing the hardest part, looking for help:
    STEP 1 COMPLETED (use big GREEN checkmark IN FRONT OF step 1 completed)
    STEP 2 ENTER NAME AND EMAIL AND THE “WHY THEY SHOULD”

    Go into spiel about what they will get if they give their name and email (some type of freebie that has some value to it ex: 5-10 minutes of video from beginning of program or chapter 1 from the guidebook…something that they can sink their teeth into, so that they know that your product is real.

    When they do sign up have them redirected to another page with big green checkmark and STEP 2 COMPLETED - thanks for signing up, check your inbox.

    Now they’ll be in your autoresponder sequence where each email you send out to them talks about different issues:
    - alcohol and depression
    - alcoholism and the family
    - alcoholism and marriage
    - alcoholism physical symptoms
    - etc.
    all of the above are actual keyword phrases that are actively being searched (plus a lot more)

    ———————————————————–

    B)You do a complete rewrite of existing website:
    - your meta title should be:
    “how to stop drinking alcohol now”

    - you have no meta description - start the same as meta title and add on a little more

    - meta keywords, you don’t have any, I know that there is a debate going on about keywords not being important. They may not have much weight with Google but the do with yahoo and MSN. Don’t leave any potential traffic on the table.

    - 1st HEADLINE should be what I mentioned above

    - 2ND HEADLINE is waaay too long with no punch.

    - Way too many subheaders and all the same size so absolutely nothing stands out. Surfers skim and if there are too many subheaders, they won’t read any.

    - Many of your subheaders could be used as bullet points

    - When you do use subheaders make sure that they are keyword oriented on different subjects

    - Video needs to be cut up into (5) 4 minute ones and small thumnails of part 1, part 2, etc in sidebar.

    - Way too many written testimonials - video testimonials hold more weight with viewers so cut them down or put link to written testimonial page in sidebar under videos.

    - Use graphics to emphasize points

    - Use johnny box floated to right with text wrapped around with important info or statistics.

    - Highlight important phrases and points (yellow is good)

    - I wouldn’t try the infomercial way of dealing/cutting down the price - doesn’t suit your product - you’re not selling floor sweepers…

    - Use large graphic call to action buttons for purchase

    - Use paypal payment button - get rid of those small visa/mc buy now buttons.

    - Use large arrows so their eye can follow what you want them to read/do next…

    - Your final call to action is weak, too long and I’m assuming ineffective if you’re looking for help to increase your site’s conversions.

    - Add a sign up box on your main site…if they don’t buy at least you have them on your list and can continue to provide them with excellent free info until they decide that they trust you enough to finally commit to a purchase.

    OK, I personally would actually use both site rewrite and landing page site, do split testing, try different keywords and optimize the 2 sites - see which converts best or keep both.

    3)LINKING:
    - You only have 3 links to your site, 2 are from Clayton and 1 is a javascript issue where someone tried to order online and they couldn’t…not good…

    - You need to create a lot of incoming links to your site with keyword focused anchor text. The more incoming links you have to your site the more you become an authority site in the eyes of Google and other SE’s.

    HOW?

    - Article marketing - I did some keyword research and I found over 28 keyword phrases with decent searches and very little competition that could all be turned into articles.

    Write Top 10 / Top 5 type articles (people like those)
    ex: 5 ways to deal with alcohol and depression
    There is excellent software that will do the article submission for you to over 300 article directories (not spammy software)

    - Video marketing - all 28 keyword phrases that I found and the articles that you would write can also be turned into short 1-2 minute videos with proper keyword tags once again leading back to your site
    There are some great services that will submit your videos for you to all video sites over 60 for sure and not spammy.

    - Press Releases - You could do a press release for each article or pare it down, up to you.
    Once again great software that will submit on your behalf.

    - Web 2.0 Marketing - Tons of 2.0 props that you should be using to drive traffic to your main site. Give great free info and they will follow the links and see your site.

    - Put up a privacy policy page, you’re dealing with really confidential info, make them feel safe.

    - Put an about us/you page and transfer all the info about yourself to that page, credentials etc.

    One thing I noticed while doing keyword research is that there is a market for “teenage alcohol abuse/adolescent alcohol abuse”

    I would tell you to seriously think of creating a secondary product geared towards the teen market (parents buying of course) but use web 2.0 to your advantage.

    There is facebook type platform that you can use for about $50 a month where it can be made for private use only. If parents buy, they need to give teen’s name/ automatically set them up in the social network. That way the teens will have a place to connect with other kids going through the program all with the same problems. They won’t feel like they’re alone.

    Lastly (yes I know I’m long winded but if I’m going to try and help, it’ll be all the way)

    I would tell you that once you have your site revamped, go to clickbank and set yourself up an affiliate program so that others cans sell your product for you, give them 50%. It will only cost you $50 to set it up, then have some graphic banners made, text links etc for your affiliates.

    It’s better to have 1000 people selling for you than trying to do it all on your own.

    That’s pretty much it, I hope it helps!

    Sherri

48. Comment by Conrad — May 25, 2009 @ 6:00 pm

    This is what I would do if it were my product:

    1. Traffic coming to this site is probably highly qualified - either persons with a drinking problem or their family and friends. So you need to get their details fast in order to market to them again.

    2. If you are bold - then entice the opt-in by saying something like: “Want to stop drinking? Find out how you can test this acclaimed program for free in the privacy of your home … simpy enter your Name and email address etc…”

    3. The bold strategy is to generate an opt-in, and offer the program for free for one month or 90 days and just ask the person “to help you with the shipping”. Charge the card for shipping only and the balance if they do not cancel. Since you offer a lifetime guarantee, you may as well lead with this and not hide it.

    4. Opt-in is segmented by either “this program is for myself” or “I would like to help someone” , and use two different sales letters. This allows you to talk better to the reader. The alcoholic has different hot-buttons to the family and friends.

    5. Edit the video massivly and split it. One for alcoholics and another for family.

    6. Do not use so many red subheads - it looks like you are scolding the reader.

    7. I would cut the first tesimonials of Steve Hinks - he does not convince me to buy - he places question marks in my mind. His last appearance in the video is fine.

    8. Follow a story line in the videos and copy. IT jumps all over the place and as soon as some pressure/crescendo is built up, it is lost with some waffle on another topic.

    9. Edit out the last part of the video showing the VHS tape and audio cassette. This confuses and causes small pockets of doubt. It also dates the program and it looks really old and less desirable.

    10. Some of the best parts of the video is at 19′ …. those will make nice bullet points.

    11. Change the whole sales letter into getting the viewer to order the package for a risk free test.

    12. I would also change the background music. It is sleep inducing.

    13. The sales letter makes many good points, but it needs to be edited and made to follow a script. Long copy is good, but this long copy “unsells” me because it is all over the place.

    14. Put a deadline on the “limited free offer” …

    15. By seperating the two major groups, you can do a much more effective job in making the sales letter address their problem.

    16. Remove your picture at the top. It confuses and does not contribute to the close.

    17. Be a bit more aggressive when people want to click away - use popup forms to offer a “downsell” … in the fashion of … “ok, just pay $1.00 for shipping” … and then test to see if this is profitable.

    18. When people buy, why not offer an upsell of say a regular teleconference call ? People that are motivated will appreciate all the support they can get.

    19. Work the opt-in list and put them into an autoresponder sequence to offer more testimonials and giv it another try to sell then the idea of testing it.

    20. If the program gets such good results, you should have not problem in “going out on a limb” and sending it out for a trial. They will hook and convince themselves and you have taken all the risk out of it.

    21. Add a “tell a friend” script … the viewer might think of other people that could benefit from this. Offer something as a thank you if you want to. How about some encouraging messages, nicely typeset, that can be downloaded and printed after giving some names?

    Hope some this helps and lots of success with this very worthy cause.

49. Comment by John March — May 25, 2009 @ 6:03 pm

    This is fast and very rough:

    There are so many fine suggestions already–here is what I would add; don’t be so quick to sell, instead opt to educate. In fact, I am not sure I would start with the sales letter. I think I would do a blog; offer free (value) content,focus on building a list through a newsletter and build relationships.

    There are tons of ideas for content for this topic

    You might think of this approach as “edu-marketing” build “know-like-trust.” Don’t push product too fast,
    Offers:
    A-Newsletter
    B-Free Special Reports
    C-Free Ebook
    D-$9.00 to 19.00 report or ebook (78-180 pages)
    E-Back-end is your $177.00
    To order–link to landing pages.
    You might also think about affiliate products, joint ventures with related info products, services, etc.

    I would also write articles and submit to article directories, do Squidoo Lens, Hub Pages

    In short there is a lot of groundwork that coulld be done to improve your conversion rate–folks who are seeking a solution to this problem will be pre-sold as a consequence of all of this activity PLUS, you will e driving traffic to your blog which will translate into sales for the A-B-C Scenario I mention above.

    Hope you find this helpful.
    P.S. I spent 8 years working with drug and alcohol offenders in correctional facilities, so I hope you are extremely successful.Too many folks are locked up for their addictions

50. Comment by Gary — May 25, 2009 @ 6:27 pm

    Hey Mike, Gary here, and here’s one of My famous critque styles:

    Here’s a one hour screen capture video critique of you sales letter:

    http://www.megaupload.com/?d=WMVGJ454

    It can’t get anymore specific than this.

    text notes:

    - The subhead in’t working IMO,I’m not sure what “in the privacy of my home” is suppose to mean, it doesn’t build curiosity in a good way, it gives me a WTF? reaction.

    - YOUR HEADLINE is saying the same thing over and over again.

    How To Effortlessly Stop Drinking, is the same as: Stay Sober, which also means: Overcome Your Alcohol Dependency which is the same as: Solving Your Drinking Problem

    You only need one: “How to quickly and and easily solve your drinking problem naturally.”

    I think that fits the market even better. You can cut the AA meeting stuff, it’s just to much.

    - THE SUBHEAD doesn’t work either, Again, go simple: “You will be a happier, healthier and more confident person as a result.”

    - THE VIDEO is confusing ,you didn’t tell me what the product was or was about…It just jumped to a trumpet player giving a testimonial for…something…and the video is so damn long I’m to impatient to wait and see. your making me work to find out what this is. it’s also old…If you said rare video…then that’s a different story.

    - IN THE OPENING you say: “I really hope you will take a few minutes to hear me out” (about what??)

    “because if there is anything at all that I have learned about alcohol dependency and problem drinking it is this:

    “If It Isn’t Doing So Already, Your Problem Drinking Will Soon Enough Mess Up Your Family Life, Your Social Life, and Your Career”

    That was a very passive and long winded way of saying: If I learned anything over the years, alchohol depency, in time, will destroy every aspect of a persons life.

    Thats more to the point and with a lot less words. If anything you want to make your opeing compelling.

    - You SAY :”Let me make something perfectly clear: If you’re not willing to stop what you’re doing, and take five minutes to read this letter all the way through and listen to the testimonials then leave this site now. You’re wasting your time. I can’t help you.”

    Bad move, there are two types of readers divers and scanners, you just elimiated half you audience, you won’t know who is who.

    - ” I’m offering you..” You don’t have to offer me so many times, I would say just get to the point

    - You have to much red and bold, remember, If everything is important…nothings important.

    - You also don’t clearly explain what the product is and if you do, it’s not easy to find.

    - The biggest problem overall is the red then black type, it makes it to difficult to read, I had to struggle to help you because of al the red and bold.

    -

    -

    -

51. Comment by Patricia Ogilvie — May 25, 2009 @ 7:17 pm

    Important Cures and Treatments For Alcoholism That Saves Lives Where Drugs and Rehab Have Failed…

    I don’t know about you, but if I were a drunk, and I was ready to get help going sober and pick up the pieces of my life, I would want a real person to be there for me, taking me through the process.

    But if you can’t be there for them, then the next best thing is to emulate true support.

    The 90 Minute DVD
    60 Minute Audio CD
    100 page guidebook

    all seem like a lot of effort - hyped effort to be honest.

    The sales page is so hyped I was ready to take a drink myself! And I don’t drink!

    What I’m saying is, my first impression recommendation is to redesign the marketing plan into a “real website” (not a hyped single sales page).

    Instead, inject examples, stories, articles, people’s experiences, and a lot of heart and soul to emulate caring, instead of a sales pitch!

    That’s what’s missing, caring, heart and soul!

    Then I would take that website out onto the online marketing road and bring it up the rankings.

    Search engines love content and video. Take advantage of this with:

    1. Personal branding – add short clips from the DVD collection to show how this program can start them on the road to recovery and who you are.

    2. Rewriting content into friendly, “I’m your caring, soulful friend, you can trust me” type personal sounding site. Insert the keywords that the prospect types in for help – like the words HELP ME!

    3. If I were honest, I would recommend narrowing the benefits of the product as a starting point and not the final guarantee to sobriety.

    4. Get subscriptions – people who want this high intensity support want to be included, over and over. Build an email lists.

    5. Online video and audio, of course.

    6. Basic SEO – the URL is keyword tag friendly, however, the content misses out in tagging in customers.

    7. Another key to getting ranked on the search engines is to get links from other related websites pointing back to your website. Google will rank your site higher as you get more of them. Get high quality back-links, and just enough to get your sites ranked (you won’t need very many back-links) Hence a real website will be more effective than a blasting sales page.

    8. Clearly offer what the customer is wanting – write content to the drunken soul from your heart, please.

    Thank you for asking and thank you for reading this.

    Sincerely,

    Patricia Ogilvie
    Online Marketing

52. Comment by Gary — May 25, 2009 @ 7:19 pm

    ok…you can’t edit comments…I forgot the other half of the text notes but that’s ok everything’s in the..

    ONE HOUR VIDEO CRITIQUE of your website:

    http://www.megaupload.com/?d=WMVGJ454

    The entire letter critiqued in full detail!

53. Comment by Eric — May 25, 2009 @ 8:14 pm

    I’m actually surprised that no one has a problem with the product itself.

    As the son, nephew and brother of recovering alcoholics, I can’t say I have much faith in some home-based, video program as a way to “cure” what is a genetic, emotional, and spiritual disorder all rolled up into one hideous beast that smashes hope, destroys families, ruins lives … and ultimately kills those who don’t seek and apply the right fix.

    This is far too serious a sickness to be messing around with some (what appears to be) some half-baked internet product.

    Sorry, I think this whole idea basically sucks. And Clayton? I thought you were better than this.

54. Comment by Will — May 25, 2009 @ 8:22 pm

    I think your biggest problem is that you are sending people straight to this sterile sales page. Drinking is such a personal issue and I think you would have far better results if you were to send people to a shorter squeeze page with just the video and a few bullet points and have them sign up for some free videos/audios from you.

    These people want to know or at least think that you care - and a sales page like this will not do that. The main thing you need to understand is that these people feel alone and somewhat outcast. You need to make them realise that there are others out there in the same position and that alcoholism does not make them a bad person and is not their fault. Position yourself as a friend, someone who has been there before and knows exactly how they are feeling.

    This then gives you a chance to relate to the people, get down on their level, and build a more personal one-on-one relationship with them, before you even think of asking for the sale - you need to come from the angle of someone who has been there before and knows exactly what they are going through and how hard life currently is for them. They feel alone. Show them what life is like after your techniques are put into action - then offer some of your best techniques on how to overcome the disease. Once they see and start using some of your techniques, onselling them to the course should be much much easier.

    In regards to the video on your sales page, it is a great video and has lots of social proof in it, however you sort of blow it by having a screenshot of your product in the first few frames. I would remove the shot of you and your product and instead start the video right away on the person with the most touching story. I would also shorten the video quite a bit - I would pick your top 5 - 10 stories and use those. 20 mins is a bit too long to expect someone to sit through. Also, instead of having them all say how bad things were and how good things are now, you may want to try just having them say how bad things once were, one after another, to build up the negative feeling and make the problem seem even worse, and then after that have them all reveal how much better their life is now - the solution.

    Best of luck! It’s a great thing you are doing.

55. Comment by Russ Stevenson, BS Pharm.MA,RPh — May 25, 2009 @ 10:05 pm

    Talk to each client as you would your brother,sister or friend,across the table with a cup of coffee.

    It really must follow..Quick..Easy..Cheap..to get their interest..Front end then back end..you know.

    Your future may be at each and every Pharmacy counter…

    Much Success,

    Russ

56. Comment by George Gonzo — May 25, 2009 @ 10:25 pm

    Mike..coming from a media background I would suggest two of the most powerful motivators are “personal experience” and “Word-of-Mouth.

    Suggestions:

    1) The person with the problem will hardly ever be successful in overcoming the addiction without the close support of family/friends.

    Give them (the addict/family support group) the program with no immediate requirement for payment.

    2) When they have used the program and successfully overcome the addiction, their only obligation is to provide your information to two others who desperately need the program to change their lives. No cost, no obligation.

    3) Set up a “not-for-profit” organization/foundation and ask those who have successfully changed their lives because of the program, to support the foundation with what they can reasonably afford. If they truly believe, that through a contribution, they can also be part of a value chain to help others, you will build a world-wide family focused on changing and saving lives. Only a certain portion of contributed funds pay for administration, overheads etc. - the balance goes to further enhance the program and to “market” its availability to those and their families who need it most.

    4) What Professional Medical organization would not support such an initiative and participate in a “word-of-mouth”/referral program that they believe will truly help their clients/patients? Just ask them.

57. Comment by Tolani Brendan Mosweu — May 26, 2009 @ 1:16 am

    Thank you Clayton for a good homework.

    I must admit, as a newbie, i found lots of principles about copywriting in this web page, but the problem is that there are scattered.

    First I would advice the copywriter to think about his approach … the approach is not a good one for an alcoholic. here is what I mean…

    As a pharmacist, I’m inclined first to trying to understand the alcoholic ( How does he think, and what are his daily behavioral pattern)

    Attempt to understand the alcoholic lifestyle …

    And here is a summary:

    - Alcoholics easily forgets and have a short attention span (therefore a very long video and long letter not a good approach)

    - Denial is the key to alcoholism (most of the alcoholics deny that they have a problem; they lie about their habits; tend to be very defensive and mostly in self - deception

    - Some use alcohol as a coping mechanism

    - Seeks justification and some even blame genetics

    You duty therefore as a copywriter is to indirectly tackle all the daily thought pattern of an alcoholic without offending or raising an issue where by they will to defend themselves. And how can you do that?

    You can do that by using short testimonials from recovered alcoholics.

    That makes sure the alcoholic understand he is not a special case and also that he can get help.

    Once the right approach is established, you also have to apply the priciples of copy in an orderly manner…

    The first sin of this copy is that its disorganized and its also bleeding too much blood. They is no flow and the testimonies used are not arranged and positioned properly.

    I found the copy boring, and you don’t really want to bore a prospect, especially an alcoholic.

    I can not really rearrange or organize this copy here … but here is a few suggestions:

    1. The headline is not appealing enough… think of something very emotionally eg.

    Prehead: Michael Mears, writer, television producer, educator, and creator of the #1 home-based alcohol recovery program says:
    Headline in big and bold “IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT”
    Subhead: And he promises to help you overcome your drinking problems …

    or

    THEY ARE COMING AFTER YOUR CHILDREN,
    then you lose your car, house, and everything else you hold dear…
    including your life … if you don’t stop drinking now.

    Ok! you get the picture, then follow up with good supporting copy;

    Here is the structure: I .D.I.C method

    a. Interest/get attention ( Make sure you get the prospect attention and interest them by a story line that relates to their situation but with a twist … how they can also overcome their problem)

    b) Demonstrate Value - ( Why should they listen to you, credentials, social -proof, testimonials, case studies etc)

    c) Isolate - yourself from everyone else, isolate the prospect from everyone else … by personalizing the message and making sure you don’t generalize
    either their problem or the solution. This is where you can make the alcoholic know that he doesn’t have a special problem … yet… instill hope that he holds the key to recovery and not someone else. Everyone thrives for significance therefore pile it on and while he is happy of ‘control,’ help him remove guilt and frustration — which may trigger a downward fall.

    Load your copy with emotional benefits to the alcoholic. this is where you have to ask yourself exactly what you’re selling here. And come about as a friend and helper to the alcoholic .. not a judge or worse a salesman.

    so here are some practical things to do with the copy:

    - refine the headline
    - reduce the use of read ink/color and bolding … over emphases … spoils the message
    -remove the first testimonial or reposition it properly. Why? It introduces the product before you even sold yourself to the prospect.

    - use the pre head as shown above and remove the product from it as well.
    - introduce the product properly
    - make your story short and relevant to the problem at hand, no need to go on about sesame and the rest of the personal stuff. Remember the prospect is more interested on them self than you and thus every phrase must be relevant. Also remember most alcoholics will have a short attention span … therefore be precise and brief.

    - Rearrange your testimonies, putting the strongest ones first and make sure they actual talk about exact benefits and are specific not generalized, how much money are they saving, what health benefits are they enjoying, what social benefits are they happy about etc… no fear of the social security coming after their kids etc….

    - why are you expanding the program to the public? Come as a reluctant hero

    - Add lots of social proof and urgency

    - remove all the buy now buttons and position them properly

    - can also pre-eliminate those who are interested by using an opt in form and promise more help (testimonial video/ case studies) to those who opt in.

    d) Close… the guarantee is good but can be improved.
    repeat the benefits and be focused on the close… no time for telling other stories. where is the price? Remember most alcoholics are always scheming to get money for alcohol here … use bigger order buttons and don’t use buy now… use something like get your program now or get help here etc.
    Be clear here, it seems they can order through one form only in your website … yet you accept other forms of payment.

    Well! that’s my advice right there, and hey! Check out clayton’s Copywriting course (The ultimate Desktop Copy Coach)… it will help in the long run or just buy his book (Two hours to more profitable sales copy)… or hire me to do you the copy (well, am a newbie and need customers)

    again thank you clayton.

58. Comment by Jonathan — May 26, 2009 @ 2:40 am

    Okay, I’m back with a fresh set of eyeballs…(25)

    After reading it word for word: The copy is weak. It is long, it doesn’t make me feel much of anything.

    Quick fixes would be to change some of the text into bullets - this will create a faster read. I’ve mentioned the red, the whole color scheme and I think so has everyone else.

    I would hack out at least 30% of the actual copy… starting here…

    Don’t tell me who you are, or promise me anything at the beginning. (Ever read the out of town expert with the brief case?) And don’t ask me to give you five minutes etc. Instead give me something to read - tell me a story even if it is totally unrelated - just get me reading…

    Don’t pretend to know me, by telling me a bunch of things you think you know about me. Rather tell me something I can relate too, make me feel like - hey that happened too you too - once you won me over - let me in on a secret - tell me that all the years I have tried to quit actually wasn’t my fault - that I did my part right - I met the program halfway.

    Now hit me with true life stories that are not scripted - we are talking chicken soup type stories.

    I want to quit - who doesn’t - but I don’t care until you show me you care, or show me someone who is just like me, and if they are just like me and they did it - then maybe so can I.

    I would be careful on how you present the courses materials. Most people are weary of some magic cd that is going to make the problem go away. I would make the manual the key feature it is the step by step system/a technology! - the dvd/cd is the what will carry me over when the itch really begins to itch and where I usually failed, the dvd will help me drive a home run.

    I would put your price in - seriously - an addict makes his buying decision based on price and perceived value(don’t we all) that is why presentation is very important - your sales page is very hard to read and screams dated (old) - you need short, bulleted copy with images that will make me feel something, anything. I would offer a freebie of something even if they don’t make the purchase - something they can look over later, something they can come back too. Something to remind them of you.

    I would rewrite the ifs, whens, maybes - It gives the impression of fluff. Use action words. Don’t dance around me - just talk straight at me.

    “If by now you’re not convinced Change Your Mind About Drinking is for you, then I have failed you. (And maybe you have failed yourself, and those who love you and need you?)”

    Sentences like the one above, and there are a few of them - will make me leave - because the copy does actually fail. There is too much fluff and not enough meat. Someone commented already - make it educational - YOU need some sort of education element - you also need to put in triggers - I mean isn’t that what NLP is about - use what you teach and get them into that zone (It can be done with words alone - even your video could use some of your triggers.

    The idea is that the program actually starts right on your sales page at first sentence and ends when they are sober/drug free etc. They don’t need to know they started, but they must feel they never completed

    Remember this sales page is a teaser to what the product is like, and I honestly am weary about the quality/value of the product. I am sure it is a great product, which is why the sales pitching must be at minimum pleasing to the eye.

    Jonathan

59. Pingback by ‘Help a Good Man; Get Instant Karma,Maybe Win a $750 Prize!’ - ‘The Total Package’ — May 26, 2009 @ 3:59 am

    [...] Help a Good Man; Get Instant Karma,Maybe Win a $750 Prize!… [...]

60. Comment by Alessandra Viero — May 26, 2009 @ 4:34 am

    Hi Clayton,
    here is what I think.

    - The inital heading is HUGE and I can’t imagine especially a person with a problem like alchoolism reading it without getting lost.

    - Use of color: too much of that pale red is distracting and a bit irritating. The light grey in exchange makes the text appear not important to read. I’d use a brighter, nice color just to highlight the FEW main points. Otherwise you just get the opposite effect. Like underlining everything on a page you are studying.

    - The page would need a easy-to-read structure, so that the eye can easily jump to the most relevant parts. Here it seems you never get to the point.

    - The video is too long and a bit depressing. Honestly it does NOT make you feel hopeful and motivated and full of energy.

    - Credentials: Mike would need a short but consistent presentation of himself, not some info here and there.

    - The body mentions hope and positivity, but it focuses 90% on why being addicted to alchool is bad and on the fact that many good people died for it. I think they know it already. The “positive” part should be stronger.

    You just feel like saying: OK thanks for the usual sermon, now leave me alone please.

    - The copy doesn’t compel to action.
    It’s weak, boring, you don’t understand why you should buy
    THIS VERY product instead of buying something else or instead of going to AA meetings.
    Where is the added value here?

61. Comment by Fred Hernandez — May 26, 2009 @ 5:30 am

    I have two points:

    1. I don’t see anywhere in the ad where the alcoholic is forced to FEEL THE PAIN that the disease inflicts upon him and his family. So I would immediately go negative on him with the following header:

    “Alcohol puts the man to sleep, and awakens the beast. But if you haven’t hit rock-bottom yet, you’re not ready to start living again…

    If you still have dozens of apologies to deliver to your spouse…
    If you still crave that can’t wake-up, cold-sweet, lousy morning after feeling…
    If you can take more of your kids looking at you out of the corners of their eyes…
    If you still have a couple more vehicles to wreck, and possibly a life to take…
    If you’re not ready to kick-out your enslaver…

    Then do yourself a favor and stop reading now… I won’t waste your time telling you how you’ll become happier and healthier when you stop drinking, how your loved ones will seek and enjoy the feeling of hugging you again, how you’ll be more alive, vital, and how you’ll feel your confidence growing day-by-day.”

    2. My second point - both the ad and the video are way too long. I don’t see how someone who’s carrying the weight of the world on his/her shoulders can endure the biblical length of this tome. I couldn’t, and I’m not an alcoholic.

    I hope this helps.

    Fred

62. Comment by Sean — May 26, 2009 @ 8:27 am

    Dear Clayton and Mr. Mears,

    You have put a great challenge in front of your readers…

    Unfortunately, what we need are answers—research is the holy grail, the magic bullet(if such a thing exists) of copy writing.

    Before the copy is ever touched , I would spend at least an hour(longer if I could get it) on the phone with Mr. Mears and as many of his testimonials as would allow it.

    Then, I would attend an AA meeting to be in the room and feel the emotions and tensions of an alcoholics at different phases of recovery—since fortunately, I have never had to live or deal with one personally.

    I would watch the entire video course…
    I would take a trip to the library and do research on alcoholics in general, etc, etc…

    There is so much ground work that needs to be done to create a truly great campaign or sales letter.

    However, while Mr. Mears could do quite well with many of the general and specific recommendations found in the comments this post…

    Without the Big Idea that comes from a copy writer’s research of the product, the product’s creator and the market—we’d just be making a poor sales letter better but not great.

    So, what I’m saying is this:

    While this is a great opportunity to “show what I know” the real answer here is to start from scratch…

    From there, a big idea will emerge; People’s lives will be changed and families will be restored.

63. Comment by mark — May 26, 2009 @ 9:03 am

    We’re all an addict of some type…but whether or not we’re willing to pay to break the addiction is another matter.

    Start out with capturing an email to send free info…then send info that eventually leads to a purchase.

    Title too long…get their attention and don’t turn your title into a sales letter.

    I applaud your desire to help others…if you could make it more of a charity type offer…I think you would outsell your current business plan.

    That’s all I have to say…I’m tired..and tomorrow I’m homeless…I’ve lost everything again…and I’m starting over. I’ll be living in my car for awhile until I get something going.

    I’m not asking for pity…but remember sometimes when you think you have a big problem…be thankful for what you have.

64. Comment by Scott Irvine — May 26, 2009 @ 9:25 am

    This is quite long, but hopefully I make some great points.

    Headline is quite long. It would be better broken down into two parts, first the ‘what’(quit drinking), then the ‘how’(no rehab, no drugs etc) and perhaps use the first paragraph to list the benefits.

    “It’s all revealed in the following true stories – showing how anyone can STOP DRINKING, now, at home!” Might be better off before the video.

    Is it just me or are the action requests a little grayed out?:
    take a few minutes to hear me out
    read this letter all the way through

    These should be in a different colour. It should stand out when asking your reader to do something.

    You could use the tragic story about your television director friend earlier on.

    The sub-heading: “And What If I also Absolutel Guaranteed That When You STOP DRINKING You Will Be Happier…” Could be turned into a bullet list of benefits and come after the television director story.

    Most of the buy now buttons break the flow. Put the buy now buttons after each section rather than in the middle. It’s like talking to a saleperson who keeps cutting in or stopping every 5 minutes and saying ‘Do you want to buy it yet?’

    The actual price isn’t on the page anywhere, you should put it on there at least once. A good place to put it is above the p.s/p.p.s section and somewhere in the box that starts ‘Order my proven system today —’

    Overall I think the pitch is too drawn out with not enough emphasis on the benefits. It rarely adresses the potential cutomer when you should be trying to relate to how the customer is feeling. Try some attention grabbing sub-headings such as ‘What does your family think of you?’ or ‘Do you want to change the way your loved ones perceive you?’. A lot of the time, alcoholics are more motivated to change for those around them rather than for themselves.

    Use seperate loanding pages and target alcoholics with one and loved ones with another. The current landing page is pretty useless for loved ones as it put most of its emphasis on getting the alcoholic to admit to himself that he has a problem.

    Make your buy button BIG and ORANGE. In most cases the bigger the better. But just don’t put it in the middle of a story.

    The testomonials should have pictures. Social validation is very important in any type of promotion. Some would argue it’s much more important than professional validation.

    The last point. It doesn’t seem to be in any order. Many potential customers won’t read the entire thing. And if they don’t know where to go, they’ll leave. A simple outline could be: Headline(and sub-heading), Problem, Story, Benefits of solution, social validatiion via testemonials, price (or offer), guarantee, further testemonials, Call to action (needs to STAND OUT) and then your contact information.

    p.s. Give your site visitors another exit point. If they’re not ready to spend $177 an a program right away, let them sign up to a ‘Breaking the habit’ newsletter that has weekly tips, interviews ect. This is a great opportunity for getting those extra few buyers.

65. Comment by Chris West — May 26, 2009 @ 9:40 am

    Here’s my 2 cents

    Font size is way too small - I prefer a 14 pt or larger - on my laptop it looks like about 8 point and my desktop about 10 point.

    I do not feel any connection - he is jumping into the sale at the beginning and not building a rapport with the reader. I would suggest a story of some sort to build the relationship.

    The Video needs editing - too long for a single video. Feels like an infomercial!

    -the first 10 seconds is without sound - I was wondering if anything was actually happening

    - dump the scare tactics of ‘potential alcoholic’ in the video

    - at 4 minutes into the video, I wanted to stop it - not very engaging.

    - The video has the undertone of a melodramatic soap opera. The music is not congruent - especially when discussing the solution. I would change it to an upbeat tune when discussing the product.

    - Great Use of know “Stars”. Missing someone who the 20 & 30 somethings can recognize.

    - video has a redundant feel by 8 minutes

    Add some additional “Buy Now” buttons higher in the ad, especially after a video clip - not enough. Also change them to get rid of the visa/mastercard logos!

    Testimonials need editing- the first one sounds almost contrived. Also, the first testimonial is way too close to the video where Barry speaks.

    The jumping back and forth from body text and subheads (in brick red) turns me off! Need to not have soooooo many of the subheads

    Some of the type color is inconsistent about 60% down - shades of gray instead of black on the bullets.

    Need to punch up the lifetime guarantee -

    Way too much discussion on the pricing of the product in comparison to what the program is. Should condense down.

66. Comment by Nigel — May 26, 2009 @ 10:26 am

    I assume the product is not only effective, but is one that can be effective not just in a medical clinic with professional supervision, but also in a private home with little or no additional support for the alcoholic. The promotional task ahead is huge and the current site needs a major rethink, so before proceeding, this basic assumption would have to be thoroughly evaluated.

    There are numerous cosmetic improvements needed to the site. However, even more serious are the following:-

    1. Long copy has its place. However, long copy must be structured so that the first sentence encourages the reader to read the second. And so on.. This copy rambles and is not well structured.
    2. Too long, lack of focus, rambling and lack of structure also applies to the video
    3. The alcoholic and concerned friends/family are different markets and should be approached very differently. Combining in a single script is probably too hard. My comments that follow are relevant for a site aimed exclusively at the alcoholic.
    4. Endorsement by famous people not such a good idea because this allows the alcoholic to think the two things that will most impede a sale. First is the message that if the star achieved so much while being an alcoholic, maybe my problem is not so bad after all. Second, it allows the alcoholic to postpone curative action.
    5. Needs a convincing explanation about why the program is being offered for sale. This has to tie in with the price and be believable. Starting at $15K and working down is a mistake. Better to be up front about the $177 and then by all means compare this with alternatives. The key is making the $177 believable.
    6. Essential throughout to convince the reader that their problems are unique. The difficult task is to convince the reader that you have a program available to all that can still encompass their uniqueness requirement.
    7. Convince the alcoholic reader how absolute privacy will be maintained.
    8. Convince reader that they are in control of the program at all times.
    9. Some details required about the process, how easy it is, what other support (if any) is available and particularly the time frame for change.
    10. Be extremely careful about lauding the advantages of kicking the habit. Leave it up to the alcoholic to work that out for themselves since they wouldn’t be reading the script if they had no interest in change. This way they remain in complete control and would be more amenable to giving the program a try.

    Nigel

67. Comment by John Torre — May 26, 2009 @ 10:31 am

    Thanks for the opportunity, Clayton. Here’s my impressions:

    I believe right from the get-go, the headline should not focus on negative aspects of drinking, but rather the positive reinforcement that follows in the subhead. I realize that the writer is trying to target pain points, but with a subject this personal, and potentially devastating, the positive reinforcement of the results the product would bring would more quickly capture my attention rather than potentially scare me away.

    The video testimonials by recognized personalities are good, but run a bit long. I would cut this down 50% in length.

    The subheads in red every couple lines throughout the letter break up the flow and make it seem less personal and more sales oriented. Thus, they lose their impact. I would cut 90% of these red subheads and use only the ones that provide a segue to a new topic.

    The “doom and gloom” tone of the letter wears off quickly. After a while, I need to why I should be listening to this guy.

    The points made in the lead are repetitive with seemingly no direction, nor do they provide any structure to the letter.

    There’s no definitive lead, and thus no “promise” made at the end of the lead as to precisely what will be proved to me if I invest the time to continue reading the letter. In other words, no allusion to “payoff.”

    The writer’s personal stories, while interesting, come far too late in the letter to be effective. (See my note above about “why I should listen to this guy”)

    Although the writer claims his methodology works, he doesn’t offer enough (or, in fact, any…) proof of same.

    The calls-to-action throughout the letter merely amount to a credit card icon. These need to be stronger and more targeted, and constructed with a personal message.

    Regarding the product: There are big claims to results, but not enough proof to substantiate the methodology. The old creative writing credo comes to mind, “show, don’t tell.” The writer does too much “telling.”

    The guarantee is strong, but needs to be spelled out, or at least alluded to, far earlier in the letter.

    The first postscript is effective, but the second postscript adds nothing to what’s already been stated.

    Hope that helps….

    John

68. Comment by Ekene — May 26, 2009 @ 10:50 am

    OOO Yes! congratulations, you have just done it, the decision to quit this liquid that is messing with your head is the greatest decision in your life now.

    But wait, this is not your first time at least in your mind, and yet you are still battling with it.

    Not to worry, you are not going the AA direction, in fact you don’t really have to read books or blah blah blah (fill in the blank).

    To see what I’m talking about, watch this video for free to see Jeo, he recovered after x days of talking to us/me.
    ———————————————————

    The Video should have away to get the email of the person. And with the tune that he will be having a dedicated expert, or doctor (or the person that will confidentially handle his case, remember some of them want to still have their ego up, no alcoholic wants to feel sick, so to put him/her where they have other people like him).

    ===========================================================

    In all I feel the website should go straight to the point and raise more emotional feelings that will help the users feel they are in the right place. Remember the users do not have time to read all that long text, they have problem and they want to go straight to the point, More so, the alcohol damage will not allow them focus so long on that long testimonial.
    ———————————————————-

    That is my contribution, I trust it will help.

69. Comment by Barnabas Ng — May 26, 2009 @ 12:18 pm

    If I were to re-write this salesletter, here is how I will do it.

    1) First, determine which market does the salesletter wants to address:
    (a) Family and friends of the alcoholic.

    (b) alcoholic who knows that he has a drinking problem and wants to stop it.

    (c) alcoholic who does not think he has a problem but was directed to the site.

    2) I will start differently for each target market. Here are the basic foundation but not limited to those listed below

    For 1(a) . Any desperate friend or family member might have suffer some form of shame, fear, sadness, frustration, anger towards the alcoholic member and they want to do something…they are looking for some form of help…the question they want answer is “does this product really works?”

    -address the problem and tell them how a good product should help an alcoholic to kick the habit.

    -show testimonials/video of people who use your product and succeeded

    -build your product credibility.

    - Tell them how was your product created - because you were an alcoholic and decided to get rid of the habit? …or a friend, a family member was an alcoholic - something happen to them because of their habit? - not too long but engaging.
    -tell them how did your product change the life of recovered alcoholics…their family, relationship, work life.

    -tell them why your product really works.

    -more testimonials/videos.

    -more benefits…more of your product.

    -guarantee, call to action.

    [ a video at the beginning, similar to current video will be good to hold attention but a shorter video will do]

    For 1(b), The reader knows that he has a problem and want to kick the habit…this is because of something has happen to him or family or friends, where it is serious enugh for him the take action

    I will begin the salesletter with
    -stories of alcoholic overcoming the addiction.

    -show them testimonials/videos without revealing the product to build on the curiosity.

    -tell them about the benefits of the product…and why yours work.

    -how easy is it for the recovered alcoholics to use your product.

    -more testimonials/video and reveal product.

    - Is there any easy technique that he can do while he is at your page?

    -more benefits..more of the product.

    -scarcity, guarantee, call to action.

    For 1(c), The reader is not aware that he has a problem, believe that he has no drinking problem, force to see the page, refer by a friend,

    The sales letter will begin with

    -questions that any alcoholic will agree but they don’t see that they have the problem. ask questions about drinking habit…which they will agree to it…some drinking pattern…which they will agree to it…how their friends or family members are behaving towards them…which they agree because they notice it and agree with it…

    - then link those questions to being an alcoholic …tell them these are the traits of an alcoholic - which they finally comes to their senses.

    - tell them of stories of what happen to alcoholics…drink themselves to death, family broken, loss friendship, dissappointed family members - spouse and children, children avoiding them, loss of job, dying young, wasted career life, girlfriend/boyfriend left them,

    -any facts and stattisitc to back it up? add it in.

    - tell them that there is hope to get back on their life…drum it up.

    - tell stories of alcoholic overcoming the addiction.

    - show them testimonials/videos without revealing the product to build on the curiosity.

    -tell them about the benefits of the product…and why yours work.

    -Is there any easy technique that he can do while he is at your page?

    -more testimonials with product mentioned.

    -more benefits… more of your product.

    -scarcity, guarantee, call to action.

    3) the headline and sub headlines will be depend on the target maket. The current headline is not memorable to the mind. As I read the headline, I immediately forget what was before the current word.

    4) use simple and easy to understand sentences. Reader only need to read once and understand what is says.Avoid this confusing of sentence “If It Isn’t Doing So Already, Your Problem Drinking Will Soon Enough Mess Up Your Family Life, Your Social Life, and Your Career” - It took me a while to understand what you are saying. here.

    5) bonuses, free stuff…i am in the opinion that this is not that important for this product. People who read this sales letter have already decided to take action to get rid off the habit. The intention to act is there.

    6) Use sub headlines at appropriate place. The current salesletter is overdozed with sub headlines. It looks like you are shouting at one point (red bold sub headline) and talk softly the next (normal text). It didn’t make me want to read more. It just annoy me.

    7) align left. clearly understood.

    when you want to inlcude links to your salespage, make sure it open in a new browser.

    9) Have a color contrast between your salespage and the background so that the readerl focus on your salespage and it also appears slim to the eyes.

    10) Video: Create separate video for different target market. Make it short and use it on the salesletter.

70. Comment by Markus Trauernicht — May 26, 2009 @ 2:14 pm

    DO you secretly KNOW you are an alcololic when you look at yourself in the mirror after a long night of social drinking?

    You can deny it and people will believe you. But actually you know you’re dependant. It’s slowly killing your selfesteem, your pride and your relationships. And perhaps much more…

    Alcoholism is an illness. That’s why it has to be treated like an illness.

    You’ve tried to stop. But your willpower fails you.

    It’s not your fault.

    Those ugly little bastards called endorphines have learned to con your brains motivational and rewarding system. Your neural structures have learned about the positive consequences of consuming alcohol. Using pure willpower as a way out of alcoholism is your guarantee for failure.

    What you need is a system that kicks in when your willpower fails, when your brain tricks itself to just one more drink
    or social ambience demands you to drink.

    It says you should love your enemies. But this enemy is slowly but surely killing your family, your career, your talents, your confidence, your vitality and everything that you have ever worked for.

    *****
    I think going along the lines of absolution is a strong motivator to keep reading. Everybody knows it’s not possible to “effortlessly” stop drinking. It’s against the belief system of someone who has tried and failed. But absolution gives dignity: No talking down to someone who thinks he is a failure because he has failed before. Someone understands me….

    Hope it helps.
    Markus Trauernicht

71. Comment by Golda Meyer — May 26, 2009 @ 5:06 pm

    Reply to Mike’s issue:

    Clayton, as a novice to this Game in Copywriting of “I say - you buy”, I must conclude after lengthy observation that most long copy sales letters or long copy on web sites do not budge me to buy. Even if was written by some masters.

    You probably are ready to shoot me now - rightfully so, I admit. But maybe I have a point here, being “fresh” at this fascinating spell of persuasion.

    Observing from the consumer’s point of view, it seems that the long sales copy is simply… too long. As a result, the perception of clumsiness or treachery remains. If I want to buy something, they better grab me in the first sentence of the body copy in an honest manner and then keep it short and simple. And do not give me the Bulldog treatment : I-got-you-and-will-not-let-go-unless-you-empty-all-your-pockets. Long copy sales letters seem to “over sell. “ It does not just put me off for good. It also freaks me out. To such an extent that I will avoid that product or company at all costs.

    My opinion? No, not just mine, but from what I could gather from several professional contributions and informal group discussions.

    So what is the solution?

    Gosh, wish I knew.

    But maybe it is just a cultural and demographics thing. It seems that selling in the USA is just so much more aggressive than in South Africa where I live. Also, being technically advanced in visual communication, the consumers in my country seems to bend the knees to selling drenched in great entertainment flair, like using short Flash or Silverlight driven advertising (websites).

    A Match for Mike’s problem…
    So, to come back to Mike’s dilemma - the copy is simply too long and the words, from headline to body copy , dumps the target market deeper into condemnation. Go much easier on the sales pitch and keep in mind that Mike is dealing with people that probably went to hell and back. They feel ashamed and embarrassed. They know they are wrong, but because of the guilt ridden words, they become reluctant to buy or even try to change their lives – being falsely proud and rebellious. Guilt can do that. These consumers long for human dignity like every one of us, and this angle should be exploited rather than the strong selling pitch.

    My advice:
    Portray words in an honest way, give hope without condemnation, show real care and juice up the visuals with a much shorter, professional version than the current video, done maybe in Flash or Silverlight. And use an excellent graphic designer.

    Hey Mike, I will do it for you for free – just to prove my point. But please, pay the graphic designer.

72. Comment by Rishi — May 26, 2009 @ 6:14 pm

    First off, I’m reading through this post hungover, kicking myself for drinking too much last night. I’m 25 and I’ve got a group of friends that drink heavy, so you know where I’m coming from.

    I honestly stopped hanging out with them so much because of it. Onto the critique, Im going to be a little mean so I’ll apologize upfront…sorry!

    The video reminded me of something you’d be forced to watch in high school before prom. The c-level celebrities and their scripted dialogue, plus the incessant,cheesy background music are the main culprits I feel. It might be something you’d see late at night on pbs for free.

    It says NOTHING new and really makes you more depressed rather than filling you with hope.

    The offer seems overpriced too. $177 for a book, a cd and a DVD is a lot. Especially when it looks like something you’d watch for free, or even be forced to watch.

    This is the main theme I would use in the video/copy…

    I would open by telling alcoholics that they’re brains are genetically wired differently than “regular” people. This is both a blessing and a curse.

    This makes them far more prone to alcoholism, but at the same time alcoholics, when they aren’t tortured by their addictions… are the most talented artists, athletes, musicians, CEO’s, entreprenuers etc…

    The same force that can drive them to drink till they die can also allow them to move mountains and accomplish what “regular” people would think is downright impossible.

    Have your celebrity endorsements echo this theme as much as possible. Since your celebrities are already talented in their respected fields it makes even more sense.

    This will put you in a position to where you can start painting a picture of a brilliant, new life. You can’t just keep talking about how crappy their life will be unless they stop drinking… you have to give them a new vision to aspire too.

    Talk about how much weight they will lose, how their careers will improve, show them playing with their kids etc… make it as clear and compelling as possible.

    Also try to open with as much emotion as possible, go straight with your very best testimonials. The first few minutes should hit your prospects with so much pain that they should get teary eyed, and then you need to give them an equal amount of hope with your solution.

    Hope that helps Mike,

    Rishi

73. Comment by Rishi — May 26, 2009 @ 7:58 pm

    Just to add, by using the theme I described above the aim is to make alcoholics much more readily admit their alcoholism because it also simultaneously puts them into a special “gifted” type of class. Lemons into lemonade.

    You might even want to add some more cd’s or dvds that teach alcoholics how to “unlock” their special hidden potential. It would help to justify the $177 price tag as well.

    Also I hope you guys didn’t take that c-level celebrity remark the wrong way, I love MASH as much as the next guy. Farrell is a great celebrity to have… especially for the older folk who actually watched MASH back in the day

    Rishi

74. Comment by Mike Zee — May 26, 2009 @ 9:46 pm

    Clayton,
    Haven’t been around for a while, so maybe I missed this, but what’s the deal with The Emotional Sale book? Thought it was coming out, did it come out, or is it sold out?

    Thanks,
    Mike

75. Comment by Rishi — May 26, 2009 @ 10:16 pm

    Sorry last one last edit. In my first post I said you say NOTHING new, but that’s not true. The mechanism by which your system works… this “media imprint formula” is new.

    The problem is that you don’t bring that up until later on in the video… this mechanism needs to be briefly revealed at the very beginning, along with the clip of “Sheri Cooper” reaching for the wine and explaining that “ping” that stops her.

    Before you prospect feels comfortable buying, one of the first lines of questioning she is running through in her head is “How is does this product work? How is it different from other similar products? Can this work for me?”

    If you don’t answer that right away you lose them.

    You should also consider re-naming the mechanism that makes your program work “media imprint formula” doesn’t really stick… but the concept behind it is good.

    I think this is the last post!

    Rishi

76. Comment by Shin Fun — May 27, 2009 @ 5:57 am

    Hi Clayton,

    First, thanks for offering this “contest”. I truly admire your generosity in giving away your stuff and helping people you’ve never met.

    Now I really would love to spend more time to look at Michael’s letter and write a thorough critique in order to increase my chance of winning – looking at the FIERCE competition, it’s definitely not easy to win!

    But unfortunately I have a copy assignment due this Friday and I still have much to work on it, so I can only spend half an hour or so to give a few of my main thoughts on the Mic’s letter… NOT aiming to win, but if I can just get a comment or two from you on my thoughts, I will be VERY happy… no, make it EXTREMELY happy!

    I haven’t read other’s comments, but here’s my 2 cents:

    1) Headline, pre-head and deck copy:

    In my opinion, the way the headline etc. are phrased doesn’t create enough impact to the readers/prospects – they are good in the main copy somewhere, but not strong enough for the headline.

    Here’s some suggestions:

    a) Suggestion #1

    Give Me X Days (or X Hours) and I Can Help You Be Rid Of Your Drinking Problem Once And For All Without Taking Medicine… Without Going Into A Rehab Program… And Without Ever Having To Attend An AA Meeting!

    And The Best Part? You Can Do It In The Privacy Of Your Home

    b) suggestion #2

    If You Have 15 Minutes A Day, You Can Easily Get Rid Of Your Drinking Problem Forever Without Taking Medicine… Without Going Into A Rehab Program… And Without Ever Having To Attend An AA Meeting!

    And The Best Part? You Can Do It In The Privacy Of Your Home

    And then, have some deck copy/subhead to build credibility – like Michael’s qualifications and achievements, quotes from celebrity and son on – to support the claims on the headline, and make readers think that what Michael claims may be true.

    2) Format

    Instead of having the paragraphs centered throughout, I think it’s better to have them aligned in the left. This makes the copy easier to read… Center only the subheads.

    Also, there’s too many red sub-head (followed by short paragraphs or sentences) which make the copy more difficult to read. Use subhead in the copy sparingly, and make only very few of them red, I believe, would be more inviting to read.

    3) Video – testimonials

    Instead of having one video with all the testimonials in it, I believe, separate the testimonials – one video for one testimonial – and spread them throughout the copy will look more impressive. Readers will get the feeling that you (Michael) have helped a lot of people with your system.

    (May be Michael has done it but I didn’t see it) Give some samples of the program in videos, and make some videos with Michael talking directly to the readers will create a better connection and rapport with readers.

    4) Bonuses

    Again, there may be some bonuses hidden somewhere, but I didn’t see it.

    I believe, readers/target audience will appreciate and value the program more if you have other extra components to go with the program. It could be an additional report giving tips to readers what problems they will most likely to face when they just overcome their drinking problems, what temptations and traps, etc. etc… basically anything that goes along with helping them, even in other more remotely related areas of their lives.

    Also, even if your (Michael) program include DVDs and transcripts of the DVDs, make the transcripts a big feature… like how they can easily refer to it, or read it any time… etc.

    But one suggestion on the bonuses though… position the bonuses as the components included in the package, NOT as free bonuses for taking up the offer… because I believe free bonuses won’t resonate well with your target audience – they basically want to be rid of their drinking problem, rather than seeking for tonnes of free bonuses to make their investment look worthy.

    But offer ‘quick response’ bonus, like consultation session or access to Michael via email for a certain period will be good.

    5) Guarantee – make it BIG – try to ‘sell’ it, rather than merely mentioning it.

    Sorry for not being able to be more thorough on my points… as I’m running out of time… Hope this helps (although someone may have mentioned all these already)

    Warm regards,
    Shin Fun
    Perth, Australia

77. Comment by Fred Black — May 27, 2009 @ 8:03 am

    Let me add to my comment (#34) that the shopping cart needs some work too.

    Better description of product, not just the title.

    Shipping selector should be wider, it cuts off the text.

    Shipping selector shoudd not pop up a message about successful selection of shipping.

    Fred

78. Comment by Gregg Forsthoefel — May 27, 2009 @ 1:11 pm

    My few ideas were mentioned in about a half dozen posts, and are big picture.

    Like many others (#5, #28 and others), I think there are two audiences here: The alcoholic and the supporters. I think there should be two different sites, because each group is in a different buying state, and has a different conversation already going on in his mind.

    To me, the supporters (friends, family, co-workers, social support like MADD, AA, ALANON, halfway houses, clinics, etc) are the low hanging fruit, and I would begin here. These guys are closer to buying, because they are not in denial, and probably want to deal with the problem.

    I would edit the existing site (many great suggestions)and focus the message strictly to the support group. If the site is focused exclusively to the support groups, I think a one page letter would work. Rework the existing site just for this group using all the suggestions mentioned above, and clarify why this is a better product than others. Some other ideas I’ll echo some comments made by others: Where are the bonuses? Why is price a great value? It’s not compared (I don’t think) with other products. What about limited half price offers to generate some urgency? etc.

    I would build a second site addressed strictly to the alcoholics. Now, not having any experience with alcoholics, I’m not sure how good my ideas are, but here goes:

    I believe that alcoholics traverse through different phases on their road to recovery. My guess is that they are not buyers of recovery products until they reach some specific phase or step. Like one post said, If I’m a drunk, why am I surfing the internet? So what stage are those alcoholics in? How do they feel? What’s going through their minds? What motivates them at that point? Why do they want to change their lives?

    I would read the posts here written by folks with first hand experience, so you can find out how these people talk to themselves and what they think about their lives. Somebody also suggested going to AA meetings and talking to them so you can better understand these people, and you can enter the conversation already going on in their mind.

    Some posts suggested a hard approach (If you’re not ready to change, see you in the cemetery). Others suggested a more conciliatory tone (It’s not your fault…). I don’t know which would work best, but you’ve got to find out. Research and test. (post 62 I believe)

    If it were me, stories from real people (not celebrities) hold more water, because celebrities are not me. They are special people with special resources, and I wouldn’t trust them to be anything other than pitchmen/women, regardless of how sincere they come across.

    The site for the alcoholics should focus on giving lots of information that will eventually ease the alcoholic into the sale. This site would have lots of articles, and link to lots of other good resources. You’d be building the trust factor. Post 51 talks about how to do this. My suspicion is that the saying “A person hates to be sold, but he loves to buy” applies here, so you’d not be using the sales letter type of site that you might design for the supporters.

    Thus ends my few ideas. Best Wishes.

79. Comment by Michael Mears — May 27, 2009 @ 6:34 pm

    Bless us and save us Mrs. Davis. I am humbled and deeply impressed with all of the comments you have shared about my timetoquitdrinking site. Wow. Thank you for taking the time and for your succinct and sobering comments. I will be analyzing each and every suggestion and idea as soon as I recover from reading them all.

    It so happens that there are two sites I am using and I didn’t have the opportunity to give the other URL to Clayton when I first wrote to him. This other site is getting a 10% CTR and a 1% conversion rate. If you have any further interest in this exercise you might look at the other site: timetoquitdrinking.com/stopdrinking.html.

    My gratitude to all of you. I will keep you posted as I deliberate and make changes. To those of you who offered to connect with me to further share your thoughts and ideas I accept the offer and will contacting you soon.

    Michael.

80. Comment by George — May 27, 2009 @ 10:52 pm

    Hi there,

    The trouble with Mike’s copy is that it is very voluble, very much like the victim he is trying to help. It is way too long and I can confidently say that no one with a drink problem is going to sit up and read the whole lot at one go. I began to yawn half way through and logged out very soon.

    # SO, CUT YOUR COPY IN HALF.

    That’s it. It will immediately add vigour to your message instead of lazily meandering about this and that. Emotional appeal should be enhanced with words that strike at the alcoholic’s craving for substance abuse. Say words like: YOU ARE A LOSER; YOU ARE DEFINITELY HEADED TO AN EARLY GRAVE; YOUR FRIENDS DESPISE YOU; YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN FEAR AND RUN AWAY FROM YOU…, and so on.
    The sentences should be short and very forceful. Keep the drunk’s head from nodding off.

    # ADD COLOUR TO YOUR COPY.

    You have some excellent testimonials. Why not make better use of them by making them speak to the audience. You should have a mugshot of the person speaking. So add a photo to every testimonial. AND MAKE SURE IT IS NOT A GRIM MUGSHOT. The photos should all convey a very happy message. All of them should be smiling and this will reinforce the message of victory over a foe. People who have recovered from something so nasty will be definitely smiling. And this will definitely draw in the reader to participate in the bonhomie.

    # WRITE YOUR OWN STORY OF RECOVERY.

    Yes. This is very important. No one is going to believe you if you haven’t experienced something so momentous as kicking the bottle habit. You are not a psychologist or a doctor who can speak on these things authoritatively. So your personal message should sink in convincingly. So, Mike, the picture that adorns the video, which, if I am not mistaken is you there, should be more pleasant. The way you stand with your hands akimbo suggests aggressiveness. And unless you want to pick up a fight with a drunk you will not stand there like that. Smile and your body language will be more soothing.

    # ADD SOME GRAPHICS AND MAKE IT LOOK RIGHT.

    You could add a few graphics like bottles lying shattered on the ground and mess everywhere. Or a siren going off and people running towards a victim lying bloodied on the ground in a hit-and-run incident. This will convey some news that is very common indeed and could likely happen to one who continues romancing the bottle. Enhance the overall design of the message with colour and punch. It looks like you are spruiking Visa card. This may convey the wrong idea. So include graphics of a few other cards and don’t go about peppering your message with these graphics. Keep them to the very end

    # OVERALL, MAKE IT POSITIVE.

    When the reader finally comes down to the bottom of the page he is going to pull out his wallet. That is what you want him to do. So place a colourful order card that looks like a real postcard. The pricing of your product is something only you can decide. Since you have such good testimonials, it should be possible for you to bracket your price in the prestige category, i.e. it is not too low and not too high. Or better still, you can quote a price and then add that it would go up after a while and it would be wise for the reader to act fast. This will act as a trigger to take action. Also say that it will cost less than a bottle of BLACK DOG.

    # AND FINALLY AND MOST IMPORTANT, THE HEADLINE OF YOUR COPY.

    The headline that you have now is pure bilge. It never struck home at all for me though you have included `IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME’. It doesn’t say anything at all, except convey more mystery and more dread. It is at home where more alcohol can be consumed without anyone noticing you. What is needed here is to help the reader see that there is help coming his way, his problems can be solved and there is someone to whom he can convey his troubles and find a solution.

    So, the headline should draw the reader’s attention in with very big and bold font. Say something in the region of 30 or 40 with a big deck and smaller one immediately following.

    HEADLINE:

    HOW I FELL INTO A BLACK HOLE
    OF WHISKEY-fuelled HELL AND
    HOW THE LIGHT HIT ME FINALLY!!!

    SECOND DECK:

    A GOOD MAN CAME KNOCKING AT MY DOOR WITH A SECRET, $1000 MESSAGE

    And more along those lines…

    Then add suitable subheads and bold fonts everywhere in your copy and keep the message flowing and positive.

    Hope this helps you Mike to take your message to a greater number of people and hopefully help thousands of others who are looking for a solution to their alcohol problems.

    Bye now,

    George

81. Comment by Mel Collins — May 28, 2009 @ 4:34 am

    This is what I call “client copy”. The client has the best of intentions and knows the facts… but has no clue as to how to present.

    The guarantee is of no value and the entire ad is discredited by his “five minute” comment… No reader would trust his offer if they even got to his offer after realizing that one can’t view a 20 minute video and read 25 pages of copy in five minutes.

    My suggestion is take the facts and put them into the hands of a copywriter… put whatever the copywriter comes up with against the existing landing page with an A/B split and it’s my guess you’ll have a new control. Then keep challenging the control.

82. Comment by Trijo Jose — May 28, 2009 @ 5:46 am

    Mike you could start with a short, crisp headline maybe something like “Stop Drinking while Sitting home”
    ———————————————————
    Then demonstrate the problems solved through your program in a series of deck copy…(win-over your dependancy on alcohol… bless your family life with peace and fun etc)…for example…
    Stay in power as you confidently say no to alcohol during the next company party…
    Enjoy the heart-felt pleasure of chatting with your kids and wife after a tedious day at work…etc
    ———————————————————

    Then start your body copy with some good emotional reason to read the whole sales letter like…
    In the next 15 minutes, i’ll show you exactly how to overcome your relentless desire for that pint of (whatever alcohol)… eradicate turmoiled relationship and stop being a laughing jack for neighbours and friends.
    ———————————————————
    (your body copy is really vague, repetitive and very very unclear.so here’s what i comment you to do).
    The person visiting your site has already decided to quit drinking… you just show him how your program is going to help him exactly do that in the most easy and guaranteed way. for example.

    You as the program owner establish your credibility to make him easy to believe you really do have an easy and authentic way to solve his most pressing problem.

    Put in the details of the program… and show him in vivid details how it is going to help him achieve his desire in the fastest way possible.

    sprinkle testimonials from celebrities, and people who have undergone the program throughout the sidebars (make sure the testimonials are relevantly placed alongwith the paragraph)

    Lead him to the close with summary of the offer and the price.

    And ask for the sale.

    Hope this will help you mike to overcome your problem of convincing a prospect to buy your product.

83. Comment by Emette Massey — May 28, 2009 @ 9:13 pm

    Hi Mike,

    First I’d like to applaud you for what you’re doing here. This hits home in a very personal way.

    It was just a several years ago that alcohol addiction claimed the life of a good friend. I wish your treatment system would have been available then.

    Ok, you want more sales from your website and marketing efforts. Here are a few ideas for you to chew on.

    I know that you’ve been in business at least for a while and you have a house file of a decent size. You are also using various methods (PPC, Google Adwords, etc) to drive traffic to your website.

    We’re going to take that traffic and send it to a squeeze page. Don’t worry there’s an important place for the existing website but for now let’s focus on the squeeze page.

    Why a squeeze page? This squeeze page is going to invite your prospects to a free live event. Your live event could be a webinar, teleseminar, or webcast.

    Your squeeze page will present all of the benefits, all the great content and added value that will be covered in this event and entice prospects to sign up.

    Your live event will give prospects an opportunity to taste the real time benefits you have to offer—at absolutely no risk or obligation. It will give them a chance to get know you better and see how much you care about their problems.

    It will also create commitment and urgency i.e. (you only have so 1500 spots available so they’d better sign up early while they’re still space). And they must sign up to get on the free telesiminar or whatever type of event you give.

    To whet their appetite even more why not offer a them a special bonus just for attending.

    This bonus could easily be your video and sales page as a special report. Again, this further entices folk to sign up for your live event.

    Also the squeeze page will give the time and date of the event and allow them to register for the event.

    Now if you have a house list, affiliates, ppc and banner ads and any other type of traffic send them to the squeeze page. The main purpose of the squeeze page is to sell prospects on attending your free live event. It also allows you to capture good leads.

    And there’s no better way to show your prospect that you really care than to give them valuable, usable content that solves their problems. This builds trust, builds rapport, breaks the ice, lowers buyer resistance and adds to your bottom-line.

    The key to a successful event to not blatantly pitch your product. If your prospect feels like your event is a disguised pitch, they will turn you off quickly. So give out your content first. Also leave room for a question and answer period towards the end of the event.

    Now don’t get me wrong you do want to promote your product. But limit the promotional to no more than 20% of the total event. Give the content first and save the promotional for the end.

    Now let’s talk about your website. As promised in your squeeze page, you’ll give a free bonus to folks just for attending the event. The free report is basically your sales page. You can send them a link to the special report or email the report directly to the prospect.

    Now let’s take about conversion. For starters I’d test several different headlines that are more emotionally driven. Here are a few example off the fly . . .

    Another Hangover?

    Are You Sober Enough To Read This Important Message?

    Do You Have The Courage To Get Sober?

    Say Goodbye to Hangovers—Forever!

    Remember the primary job of the headline is to get the readers attention and to read the next line.

    Personally I’d pull out the video from the website and use it as a stand alone selling tool. With some minor tweaking it’s a cash machine by itself. Create compelling copy that showcases and directs folks to watch it.

    In fact you might even setup an entirely separate website featuring the video. You could also post it on Youtube.com or post it on your blog—the possibilities are practically endless.

    One thing though, I’d strengthen the close on the video by asking for the sale and giving specific instructions how to order risk free.

    Speaking of risk . . . remove any risk and voice your strong money back guarantee. There is no mention of it at all.
    I suggest tightening the copy, cutting some redundancy and keep the momentum moving forward. The very instant you begin to bore your reader you’ll lose him.

    Keep your copy focused on the prospect, not on you. Keep in mind you’re your prospects don’t give a hoot about YOU. All they want to know is what you can do for THEM.

    Where’s the offer? Always include an offer in your marketing message. Make ‘em an offer they can’t refuse . . .for example:

    “Here’s the deal. It’s never been easier to get your life back. No AA meetings, no rehab, no expensive therapy or medicine. Now you can get on the path to sobriety from the privacy and comfort of your home. . . .”

    It may seem like I’m harping on testing but I’ll mention it again: test, test, and test. It’s one of the golden rules in direct response. There’s no excuse NOT to test various elements of your promo, especially if you’re using the Internet as one of your marketing mediums as you should be, Test different headlines. Test different offers. Test different guarantees. Test different price points.

    I hope these ideas will help. If I can provide further assistance please drop me a line.

    Warmly,

    Emette

84. Comment by R. M. Lawrence — May 28, 2009 @ 9:46 pm

    Oh yes–here we go, again . . .
    Not so long ago tobacco was the real evil incarnate, bete noire of the universe. Here was a product that cause irreparable damage to anyone who used it. Tobacco had to be halted at any cost. And so it was done–as the cliche goes, “. . .all the rest is history.”
    And now it is alcohol. Not the alcohol of Carry Nation–and the use of a hatchet to go on wrecking expeditions.
    No, not that at all. There was a better way, well sort of.
    It was called Prohibition. It did not work very well. And all of that is history, too.
    Now we are more “sophisticated”–we have health concerns, public safety–and, of course, we must “do it for the children. . . .”
    And out of this concern came to need to do something about not just the carnage on our highways, but something must be done about those who persist in their so-call “addiction”.
    The addiction treatment industry has been around for quite a while now–and it has bacome extremely profitible. This is a multi-billion a year INDUSTRY–a non-profit industry at that. It has become an industry that influences public policy, the legislatures in all states–not to mention the effect this industry has had on our court system.
    When in doubt about what to do, do what Michael Mears has done–get on the addiction treatment bandwagon. I mean, just look at Carol Burnett and her daughter (Carrie Hamilton, I believe) who went on proselytizing tours.
    This whole addiction-is-a-disease is a total lie.
    ADDICTIONS ARE NOT DISEASES. Period. You have to look at the history of the addiction treatment programs–going back to nearly a hundred years–to understand where this “disease” concept applied to addiction came from.
    I do not have the time–or space–to go into all of this.
    Let me say that at every AA meeting that parades one of their own as a success there are dozens in which such programs have been an abject failure–and literally hundreds who have succeeded on their own without any kind or sort of treatment program. Those who succeed on their own do not want to go around walking on egg sheels afraid of their own shadow–and they do not want to be taught how to be a drunk, which is what AA and other programs actually do.
    I have no comment to make about the copy–I do not care about the copy or the video. But I do care about propaganda and the extreme, highly sophisticated, subtle–well, maybe not so subtle–form it has taken. This kind of program when combined with the media and the scare mentality that exist about everything that happens in the world has reached a level when people have to say, “. . . enough–just what is going on around here? What is REALLY happening?”
    Let’s get back to reason–and self-responsibility.
    Look into yourself–not some program.

85. Comment by Shanika Journey — May 29, 2009 @ 12:43 am

    Hello Clayton and Mike!

    Sorry for my critique being late. I wanted to look at the landing page carefully before I said anything.

    And what did I notice? A lot of graphical errors and copy errors. My answers are pointing at different aspects of the sales letter in no particular order. These are major changes I felt needed to be pointed out that no one seems to be catching. And my list was pretty big, so this is actually the short version of all my notes.

    Let me explain:

    * No one has seemed to notice that you have a banner graphic at the bottom of the sales letter. Actually, if I wasn’t reading the web copy for the critique, I wouldn’t have noticed it either!

    If you are going to use a banner with the logo of the product, it has to be seen at the very top AND bottom of the web page. Think of them as curtains for your stage — reminders of what your product is.

    * You APPEAR to be a fraud How?.

    You’re name is Micheal Mears. You are the creator of the product Change Your Mind About Drinking, right? This is what your landing page tells everyone.

    So, why did the extremely old, long video point out SEVERAL TIMES that this product was actually created by Dr. Joseph A, Pursh and not you – at all?

    This is not even your product! If someone sees that, you will lose all your credibility, and the product will appear to be a rip-off! I even got mad about that.

    * Yikes! The video is 20 minutes 16 seconds long? Even though video is the thing on the web, on a sales page, an introductory video should be no longer than 3 minutes long. Especially if it’s a video above the fold –the next thing they see after you’re headline. I had to scroll down to your video a bit to see it.

    Plus, since the video is old and it has a lot of testimonials, I would break the video in pieces. I would just use the strongest testimonials in the video to build credibility and proof throughout the copy how effective this product works. Readers are more willing to see videos in short clips than one big long video.

    * The written testimonials in the copy are interrupting strong, key points within the copy – the bullets! Bullets are a strong asset in any copy. They can lead up to strong reasons and conclusions on why people should buy a product – if there’s nothing set in between them to break them up.

    It’s like giving your strong points the hiccups. The testimonials should be AFTER you listed your points.

    * When I got to the end of your letter, I noticed a couple of things about your signature – you didn’t have one. Instead you had where you are located, phone number, and email directly under you’re typed name.

    This is a HUGE no no. Your contact info should be at the very bottom of your page AWAY from your sales copy. I would have out it on another page with a “Contact Us” link at the bottom of your page –AWAY from your sales letter.

    * I also noticed that you had a strange link within your copy somewhere around your guarantee saying “all details here”. You are making your prospects leave your sales page. You are leading them away from the order page. Not a good idea.

    Your shipping, policies, terms and conditions, link should also not be within your copy. It should be AWAY form your sales letter, with it own “Terms and Conditions” link. Next to the “Contact Us” link.

    * I noticed that there is no picture of the product anywhere in the copy except for the video. Several pictures of the product itself as well as individual pictures of each piece of the product – to go along with your product description – would’ve have been a great way for prospects to see what they would get.

    You just can’t tell a prospect what they’ll get … you gotta show them as well. This is as close as putting the product in their hand as you will get.

    * Oh yeah, the “Buy Now” button is too generic and small. You call to action button should be a bigger button without the credit card logos. And instead of saying ‘Buy Now”, how about “Click Here To Get Started Today”? Thats just a thought.

    Okay, last three things and I’ll shut up. I swear.

    * The tone you use with the prospects at the beginning of your letter sounds like you’re scolding people for their addiction to alcohol. Show a lot more compassion and empathy upfront. It will show you are really on their side once you do In some paragraphs, you sound uncaring, insensitive, like you don’t have a compassion or empathy toward these people and their problem.

    * Next, your subheads are too small. Your subheads should at least be two or three sizes bigger than the paragraph fonts. It’s a little more easier on the eyes,

    Maybe you should use a Sans Serif typeface like Arial. Using two fonts…one for the heading…the other for the paragraphs…will actually make your copy more easy on the eyes t read.

    * And last, your headline. It’s hard to read because it seems cluttered. I think it was Daniel who said, “Each line of your main headline should contain a kernel of thought.” In other words, your headline has to have the look. Oh yeah, that was one of my favorite entries on Total Package. For example:

    What If I Absolutely Guarantee To Show You How To Effortlessly Stop Drinking, Stay Sober, Overcome Your Alcohol Dependency and Solve Your Drinking Problem

    Without Going To A Rehab Program…
    Without Ever Attending An AA Meeting
    And Best of All…

    You Can Do It In The Privacy of Your Home?

    It would’ve looked prettier if I could center it and use bullets, but I’m still HTML handicapped.

    * Oops! This is actually the last point. You have to make a choice of which will stay underneath the headline: and introductory clip from the 20 minute video or your beautiful face? Having them both underneath the headline together makes it appear cluttered also.

    So how’s that?

86. Comment by Kevin Puls — May 29, 2009 @ 7:21 am

    I see a few, cosmetic things that I would do:

    1- Have a “floating” video squeeze page with Michael welcoming the customer to the site. On the squeeze page, I would embed an autoresponder so that you can also have an e-mail marketing campaign. Because, let’s face it, most people won’t buy the first time around. It might take them a bit of nudging & convincing to buy.

    2- The head/sub-head- too much red. It screams at people.

    3- The font, I would soften it and change it to Ariel, as the font right now is Times New Roman, I believe.

    4- Add pictures to the testimonials. It personalizes them more and helps prospects “connect”, knowing that the quotes are by real people. Provided, of course, that you get their permission.

    5- The website’s “Title Bar”, the blue bar across the top of the monitor… it’s not optimized for keywords. I would definitely add compelling keywords to it to help the “spiders crawl” the site. Maybe something like: “Time to Quit Drinking - Proven at Home Study Course that is Guaranteed to make/help you quit drinking (alcohol).

    6- No “About Me” page. Let them know, in greater detail who you are, why you created this, etc. The long copy can be broken down into several pages, which will “fatten” the site. As it is right now, the site is two pages, the sales letter & the order page.

    7- Create a testimonial page. Make it interactive. Video tape your clients. Make your clients come alive instead of just relying on the written word. Video is the way of the future. In fact, if you get some, I can help you blast the videos using Traffic Geyser which will submit the videos to 30-35 video sharing sites and have the video link back TO your site- thus increasing your traffic!

    8- Have a page, like a blog, dedicated to the discussion of alcoholism. Is it a disease? Is it genetic? Is it learned? How it can effect you & the people around you (friends/family).This will definitely increase traffic to the site. The more traffic, the greater the likelihood of increased sales. Funny, I was up at 3AM this morning & watched a few minutes on PBS about alcoholism. I’ll see if I can get the name of the show. You might get their permission for content usage.

    Hope this helped.

    Best,

    -Kevin

87. Comment by I.A. — May 29, 2009 @ 7:27 am

    Hello Clayton…

    I gave it an honest shot and created a pdf file
    to make things easier.

    The whole way through I visualized talking directly
    to Michael, that’s why the critique is addressed to
    him.

    Looking forward to your insights…

    http://www.undergroundcashclub.com/clayton

88. Comment by Joe Ryan — May 29, 2009 @ 3:27 pm

    This video should do the job of grabbbing a drunks attention… because it grabbed mine, and helped me a long time ago, to get through a dark time in my life.

    I believe these words are what every person thinks at one time or another when they want help because they can’t help themself.

    Anyway, like a good copywriter needs to do, check out
    this video

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ziHZoCnyfs&feature=related

    … and walk in a drunks shoes, if you can stand the
    self-loathing and pain.

89. Comment by Joe Ryan — May 29, 2009 @ 5:31 pm

    And a good copywriter should be clear, sorry.

    And my point: I think the video I posted would be great lead to grab, and hold the attention of the intended prospect for this product.

    And not to mention that killer closing solo by EC.

90. Comment by tonia — May 29, 2009 @ 10:37 pm

    Some very thorough and correct comments already made, such as those by #5, 26,31 and 47, so I will try to only add different ones to them.

    1. Right off the bat, the H1 should bullet the positive reasons why someone will want to even look further into this page/product and consider buying. It would be easier to read too.

    2. Red, a good color for excitement, call to action, and getting attention, but is not likely to be perceived that way by the target audience - those who drink. Must change colors and size of fonts for key headings. (By the way, the focus is all on people who drink but can it help with other substance abuse/dependencies?)

    3. Target market is men and women (women being less likely to go to AA meetings and thus love the idea of something they can do privately without rest of family knowing), so writing and colors used need to take that into consideration - which it doesn’t in it’s current form. Also need to look at how women and men read a site differently, react to color and words used differently and such - site must cater to both.

    4. Way too long; attention span of target market will not stay there. I had a hard time doing so!

    5. Testimonials are useless - they are almost all endorsements, not actual people who are alcoholics who used the program and quite. Need heart felt, honest testimonials from real recovering alcoholics who used the program.

    6. Use multi-media methods to get message across. If I were half drunk, I could rather listen to the ad since my eyes wouldn’t be working great. Video of a successful user and the inventor would work well. Approach it as trying to teach people using all forms of media and techniques.

    7. A clear and consice message on why I need and want this, what I will get (even have a section where I could plug in what I want to get from the product (could be used later in marketing or product development), how the product is used (how do I know otherwise I can do it privately), success rate (there are no stats mentioned at all about anything related to alcohol abuse or recovery or the programs effectiveness or how many used it, etc.) and how the product works (is it hypnosis, self-talk, write down my feelings or what - an alcoholic is very scepticle of things and doesn’t believe they will work for him because ‘he’ has usually tried many of them already and ‘they’ failed to help ‘him’, how is ‘he’ going to know this is different and will work, got to peek ‘his’ interest, ‘his’ hope that is burried down inside and ‘his’ motivation to try the product because ‘he thinks it will be something that finally works for ‘him’.)

    8. Tone is so negative for most of the page, until last quarter of it.

    9. Using terms like “Perfectly Clear”, “You Won’t” and “You Can’t” are big turn offs. Too authoritative and that drives alcoholics away fast.

    10. need opt-in box with good reason to fill it in and then another after that (double opt-in total). There’s really only one call to action and that’s at the bottom of the page.

    11. Where is the free stuff, how can you build trust with me if I can’t see anything of yours without paying for it?

    12. Get rid of the inventor’s little speeches….it is obvious that he has no experience (or least says nothing about it) being an alcoholic, drug abuser, working with alcoholics, living with alcoholics or such. Makes absolutely no connection with audience at all, in fact he undermines it in his own ’speeches’. So why in the world would I trust this guy to know what I need to recover - so what he has worked in tv and such and did study bunches of other stuff. So What!

    13.The whole things smacks of a guy selling one product and that is his whole business and only is interested in the money. No indication that he’ll be around or offer other things.

    14. No offer for call in support while on system. Just buy it and your on your own. Need to add more beside a guarentee that’s at the bottom of a very very long script.

    15. Payment can’t even be done in installments.

    16. Why no picture, at least, of the product. Over all, lack of visual affects that could really impact things.

    17. At the beginning, need to answer the questions of why the viewer wants to stay and read, what can you give them, and there needs a trust and relationship established which is not done at all - or if it was, I missed it.

    18. I would strongly suggest to the person who writes the next page to invest time working/talking with a couple of people who are alcoholics and some recovering alcoholics - you can quickly get the key words, expressions, hopes/dreams/desires that the target buyers are feeling and wanting to find answers to and the words they will connect with. Most alcoholics I know, would not connect with the current page. Know your audience, use their lingo, know what they want and hope for, tell them how you can give it to them and what they will have to do.

    19. Do you realize that no where does it mention how long the program will take to complete? I’d want to know. It also doesn’t give you a clue to how it will help you get over the obsticles you will face in doing the program (because you will have some - looks like once you buy, you are on your own totally, so if you fail, better bet you’ll get bad publicity). As mentioned, no phone in support center for help, no blog to write to with others, no personal attention or additional free tel-seminars and classes used as support.

    20. If someone bought the product and used it and it worked; what then. What will they come back to you for? How will you gather stats on how many people it really helped, get feedback on the good and not so good parts of the product so you can improve on it? Where does a testimonial go? Why not offer some type of mini trial? If sales are not good, try offering it for a lower price for a select number of applicants and you’ll get alot of info to improve the product and advetising. Or do a few free cases to get the info.

    Hope that helps the business some for improving their copy, because if this program does work, I really do want it to get out there and help alot of people. As you say; you can have the greatest product in the world but if no one knows about it or believes in it, it won’t succeed. I hope I succeed in this quest for your products as prizes, as I would dearly love to have them.
    Thank you for the opportunity, tonia

91. Comment by Angela — May 30, 2009 @ 12:03 am

    I think you may be missing an important sub-market, and I agree with someone above about targeting the High Functioning Alcoholics, as well as the group I call “responsible heavy drinkers”. These people may well want help to cut back or to stop drinking altogether, but they’re not going to be swayed by scare tactics because on the whole they don’t indulge in those behaviours.

    They don’t drink when working.
    They don’t drink and drive.
    They eat well and watch the vitamins.
    They don’t get drunk.
    They don’t embarrass their families.
    They don’t get belligerent when drinking.

    But they may feel that their drinking has become a little too much, a little too often. They will be attracted to a discreet simple product such as yours; but not if they are forced to identify with the “Hit Bottom in the Gutter” group. Even if the fashionable phrase it to say “they are in denial”, while they are in denial, they won’t buy.

    To me, these are your most likely target, followed by family-and-friends, with the drunkard alcoholic the least likely.

    Angela

92. Comment by Patricia — May 30, 2009 @ 1:00 am

    Headline:Would you like to change your mind about drinking?
    Rest of info in red, change to black in smaller type.
    Insert paragraph of endorsement by leading expert, Dr…, Betty Ford Fndtn. etc. early on. Plus testimony (not video) by Mike Farrell.
    Shorter headlines before paragraphs w/positive statements: i.e. My Television Experience Gave Me
    The Tools and . . .I’m Offering You
    let me explain . . .
    Help Is Available To You Here and Now . . .
    You are not alone, Many people try AA . . .try to white knuckle their way through . . .
    You don’t have to
    There is another way. . . testimonials (proof)
    This Program Will Empower You
    Here’s the thing . . .addiction and dependency grind away at your confidence
    This Program Gives You
    Everything You Need (Offer a sample CD)Free.
    Audio CD . . .designed . . .
    Guidebook . . .scientifically . . .
    It’s Enjoyable and Easy To Do
    Then, begin to ask for the buy: Visa card, etc.
    Continue Proofs and keep each paragraph consistent instead of jumping around with subject matter.
    Change Your Mind About Drinking
    Is For You If . . .
    .Your life . . .
    .You want . . .
    This Program Took Me 15 Years to Perfect
    And $450,000 to Produce and Market
    Mike Farrell video here.
    Final offer needs to be clarified with positive, and supportive words. Ask for them to buy.
    Not hundreds, but thousands of people, just like you, have succeeded with this program. . .
    Order now . . .
    100% Satisfaction Guaranteed, or your money back, anytime. No questions asked.
    Order now . . . Click here for FREE sample CD, if you haven’t already ordered it.
    Then, give more proof. Short videos, if possible.
    Or order your complete program now, and get a $…discount.
    Get your life back, starting today, Order Now.

    These are my suggestions from what I have learned so far as a copywriter. And have the copy with fewer indentations. It is distracting and looks less cohesive, more difficult to read.
    Thank you,Clayton, for this opportunity, whatever happens.
    Patricia

93. Comment by Craig — May 30, 2009 @ 2:14 am

    G’day Mike how’s it going.

    Most of the stuff about the sales letter copy has already been covered so I didn’t really feel I could add much there.
    So I started looking at possible reasons people might not buy.

    “Instant Gratification”

    The first thing that I thought of was there’s no instant gratification.

    If an alcoholic is searching for a cure there is an extremely good chance that they want that cure RIGHT NOW – they’re desperately holding off from having that first drink of the day and they know that in just a few short hours they’re no longer going to be in any state to care about finding a cure for their problems.

    Give them your solution RIGHT NOW – offer a cheaper version as a digital download, with the option of both the digital version and the hard copy for the regular price.

    Following on from that, maybe you are waiting too long into your piece before they get the chance to order. The limited attention span of your audience may be a big factor in your low conversions

    Have you tested a strong call to action early in the piece?

    This could then direct them to a much more abbreviated version of your sales page with nothing but your strongest benefits, your offer and your guarantee.

    Build the emotion, provide the solution then remove all risk in a much shorter space.

    “The Product”

    There are basically two types of reader – the guy who does actually read/watch the video and then there is the scanner.

    I’m the latter, so my first run through I did as I would normally do for any sales letter – scan and avoid video.

    I came away not knowing exactly what I was getting.

    You talk for many pages about the genesis of the program, then only very briefly generalise on what it actually involves.

    While I understand your program helps alcoholics, I came away a little confused as to the specifics of each product.

    Rather than just generalising I think it would be much more powerful if you included some specific info about the role each product plays in your overall program

    I would have liked a little more along the lines of:

    As part of this revolutionary program you will receive…

    A) A 90 minute DVD that contains:

    - 3 dramatic simulations that will move you into a new way of looking at yourself and help you break through your alcohol dependency
    - Benefit based bullet
    - Benefit based bullet
    - Benefit based bullet

    B) A 60 minute audio CD that gives you:

    - 13 powerful exercises that clear away and obliterate the habits that have led to your drinking, and implant new life-affirming habits.
    - Benefit based bullet
    - Benefit based bullet
    - Benefit based bullet

    C) A 100 pg guidebook

    Etc

    I think some specifics would make this much more powerful, and it also helps you do a better job of building up the perceived value

    You may need to go back and work on exactly what the features and benefits of each of your three products are, and then craft these into powerfully persuasive bullets.

    “The Offer”

    I think the offer can be dramatically improved. As has been mentioned before bonuses are probably required.

    It’s all about perceived value, so you need to build up this value to the point where your price almost becomes irrelevant.

    Maybe you can pull from the DVD/audio and create some type of workbook – maybe that’s part of the 100pg book already (again not quite made clear in the copy) but I’m sure there is something extra you could create. or have access to already.

    Good luck with everything mate, I’m sure Clayton will keep us all posted on how everything goes for you

    Craig

94. Comment by Linda Kaun — May 30, 2009 @ 3:25 am

    Dear Michael,

    Critique of Michael Mears Program

    The biggest problem I have is the credibility factor in the text version. I opened the site up and began reading. I didn’t stop to watch the video and I don’t think you can assume everyone will watch it. This is a big mistake I see people making these days. They think the video is their sales letter.

    In your case, I see you put a lot of information in this video that doesn’t translate to the written text. So, someone sees the video is 20 min long and says, well, just let me scan through here first to decide if I want to bother watching the video. And I think you then lose a lot of your potential customers for the following reasons.

    Headline:
    This is too intellectual. It just doesn’t grab me enough. It sounds like it should grab my attention, but if I were an alcoholic it sounds like some over the top, too-good-to-be-true, one-more-thing-I’m-supposed–to-buy hype selling technique. That’s my reaction to it.

    I think it would be much more powerful if you use the words of one of your customers to tell about the profound changes they made in their life with this program. Same for the sub-head of you guaranteeing they will be happier, healthier etc etc.

    Alcoholics don’t trust people. Deep down they know how much their own lives are filled with denial, lies and covering up their drinking. This is why the whole alcoholic/drug rehab scene is filled with ex-users. Current users trust them at least a little bit more than ‘straight’ people who have not experienced what they have.

    You start off with Dear Friend, then proceed to insult me a couple of sentences later. “Let me make something perfectly clear: … You’re wasting your time. I can’t help you.” I’m thinking, well who asked you to? I feel like I’m being lectured to in this letter. I don’t feel an arm around my shoulder with you standing by my side letting me know what you’re offering.

    Yes, I know that there is a certain “get tough” stance that one might have to take with addicted personalities, but I feel like I’m being scolded and implied that I’m an idiot not to buy this product because all these so-called experts have endorsed it.

    This comes to the weakest part of the letter for me. Your use of testimonials. It was way into the letter before I saw that you say thousands have used and benefited from this program. At first I thought maybe it was a new program and you didn’t have any testimonials from actual participants. One comment at the beginning was from a program user, but it’s not until nearly the end that I finally hear from some of the people who tried it and got something out of it. Remember, I’m talking about the text. Assuming I have not seen the video yet.

    The majority of the testimonials are from these “experts,” psychologists, clinical supervisors, people working with employees with alcohol problems who say things like, “Change Your Mind About Drinking would be an excellent program…etc.” as if they haven’t actually used it yet. None of these testimonials as they are now written moved me or touched me. Many are too short. They don’t give me any meat on the bones. The irony is that in the video you do in fact have many strong statements from people who used and benefited from the program. Just because they are in the video, don’t be afraid to re-state them in the text.

    You state in the video that Dr. Pursch helped create the program. But in the text he simply endorses it. And his testimonial leaves me asking for more depth from him. His statement sounds like he read the cover of the DVD and repeated it back to you. It’s how I feel about most of these testimonials – a lack of depth and emotion.

    Alcohol abuse is an emotional subject. I’m not saying this should turn into one of those talk-show tell all your troubles sort of thing. But it goes so far in the other direction to me. I don’t really get to hear the stories from those who were plagued by this disease and how your program turned their lives around. This letter goes against one of the cardinal rules: Show don’t tell. It’s all telling- talking at me – and not enough showing- again, aside from the video.

    So translate the power of the video into words through direct quotes from those on the video. Or pull out more from the other 20 people in the program, since they are already giving you their permission to be involved. But get that flavor of the gut-wrenching havoc that alcohol played on their lives and how, specifically, your program moved them through that and on the road to lasting recovery. And how this program was different from all the other hundreds of things they’d tried. Then you move out of the head and into the heart. And the heart is the only thing that can sell something like this… or anything else as we all know.

    I think you need to tell me much sooner who you are and how you came up with this program. Your story could be tightened up considerably and still give the necessary information.

    The quote marks around the headlines are distracting and not needed, in my view.

    Put the Mike Farrell quote up towards the top also. Again, for those who don’t watch the video right away and to reinforce it for those who did.

    The Offer:
    If one thing puts me off from buying a product more than any other, it’s not telling me how much the bloody thing costs! Making me click through to some other order page feels so irritating that I often dump the whole thing right then and there. Come on! I really don’t get this technique and I see it used all the time. Maybe someone did studies saying it works, but I figure what are you trying to hide? Tell me straight out you’ll get X,Y and Z and it’ll cost you this much. You put me through these hoops of telling me how much money you put into developing this, then you can’t even let me know what you’re charging! Why?

    I’d also somehow give more examples of how the multi-media thing works. In the video when the woman tells how she opens her refrigerator and hears this little ‘ping’ sound is very powerful. Again, it brings the whole thing to life more. This could be in the video more then supported in the text. Giving a few more glimpses into what makes this unique as a treatment would enhance the sales persuasion process.

    OK, I’ve gone on long enough. Without critiquing your letter section by section, this should give you food for thought. I hope you can take what the various ideas are and put them to good use. If your program does what it says – which by the way you did not totally convince me of – then I hope you can sell tons of it to all those out there who are ready for it.

    Happy rewriting!
    Linda Kaun

95. Comment by Kathy Williamson — May 30, 2009 @ 3:11 pm

    Hi Clayton,

    Here’s my critique of Michael Mear’s website.

    It’s too convuluted. It doesn’t follow any logical order. It keeps going back and forth without any real structure. It has too much of Michael’s personal reasons for developing the program. The alcoholic isn’t interested in this. He’s interested in focusing more on the fact that there is a different approach (besides AA) and that it really works. The testimonials will cover the fact that it works. The testimonials need to be rewitten with more specific elements of how the person’s specific struggles were eliminated and how long it took to reach that point.

    As a recovered drug addict myself, and I now have an outreach to help other addicts and alcoholics permanently stop their addiction (www.wisdomforliving.org), they want to be given solid steps to take. The description of the program isn’t enough information to know how the program works and that it will help “any” alcoholic. His new approach, since it appears to be “so simple” needs to be expounded upon from the standpoint of showing an actual story of someone who went through the process. Alcoholics are very skeptic because they’ve been told by society that their problem is a disease and they’ll never overcome this. Michael has to discuss this main (false) belief and debunk it.

    He does not address the motivation of the alcoholic. They have tried and tried to quit on their own willpower and failed each time. So how will they develop the willpower or proper motivation to stick to watchng/listening to his program over and over?

    How long until they get tangible results? A week, month, 6 months? I see in the guarantee that if a person listens to the program every day for 60 days, they’ll be changed. What about if they don’t listen to it daily - how long will it take? Once they’re changed, will they need to listen to the program to “maintain” their freedom?

    He doesn’t address the frustration of the addict in getting free and then relapsing over and over. How does his program help the alcoholic deal with the problems that he thinks are too painful to deal with? What are some of these problems? What process does he offer to the alcoholic on how to deal with the pain from these unresolved problems? With Michael’s program, how does one deal with the anxiety created by the alcoholic’s problems or perceived problems?

    Most alcohoics have lost their friends (and possibly close family members) because of their problem. Does Michael’s program show the alcohoic how to reestablish these relationships? How to develop healthy, loving relationships that last? How to set goals for their future (instead of focusing on “not” drinking)?

    He keeps pointing out the multi-media approach and how much more successful this type of approach is. The alcoholic doesn’t care! He’s concerned about the content and the new information you have that will help him finally break free!

    Some tips on the website setup: Too many red sentences. Make everything “left” instead of “centered”. Use subheadings which are highlighted. People “skim, scan and scroll” and they’ll find the info they’re looking for much quicker. When you cut out a lot of the self-indulgent information and make it more focused, you’ll cut down the length of the letter, which will be better. Where’s the free report so he can collect people’s name and email address? Is this a one-product person? Got any more upsells or downsells? What’s in the guidebook? Any samples he can provide?

    How about a totally downloadable version of the product? How many alcoholics who are in denial (or think they’re hiding their secret from their family) would order this program and have it delivered to their home or office??

    I hope this helps Michael to focus in on delivering his fantastic product to the hopeless and the helpless.

    Kathy Williamson

96. Comment by Jeff Baas — May 30, 2009 @ 11:36 pm

    Michael and Clayton,
    Thanks for the wonderful work you’re doing, Michael! And thanks, Clayton, for opening this up for us to hone our skills on assessing.

    What strikes me at first is “too much.” There just seems to be too much of everything. The title has a lot of great benefits, but nothing jumps out and grabs me.

    The video has a lot of great stuff for your target audience to identify with and a lot of great testimonials but, again, it creates more of a feeling of overload. It strikes me as a shotgun hoping to hit something rather than a sniper’s rifle aimed straight at the heart.

    I think you lose people at the beginning of your page. It seems very “I” oriented. “I have a solution for you…” I’m offering you this…” It came across as just another well-intentioned but clueless person who thinks they know what addiction is like — especially when you said, “I don’t know your story. And I don’t need to,” and then followed up a sentence later with, “Well, I have a solution to your problem.” At that point, what little curiosity you had generated in me from your title went right out the window.

    I wanted to see a story to get me to identify with you and convince me you had been there and knew from personal experience. You struck me at first as just someone who had a pet theory.

    Later on, you did get into your personal story, but even then, you seemed to try to distance yourself from much of your audience. You went to great pains to explain that you’re not really an alcoholic and that you’re perfectly capable of drinking socially without it getting control of your life.

    I hope that what you’re trying to do there is to let those who have a problem drinking but don’t consider themselves to be alcoholics know that your product is for them, too. Unfortunately, it raises doubts that you really know what addiction as someone who actually suffers from it instead of being someone who has viewed the problem from outside and come up with some theories about it.

    Maybe you could downplay the “I’m not quite one of you” angle. Or, if you want to keep it, maybe you can get a second story in there in the words of someone who is suffering full on from addiction (in their own words, not as something that you merely observed).

    You have some stories of how alcoholism affected their lives, but most start with, “I’ve talked to many people who told me about…” or “I’ve heard…” I really liked the story of the 30-year-old man who died of liver failure, but I think you can do even better with that one. Instead of relating it dispassionately, let your pain come through.

    There’s a story about a missionary who went to preach at a leper colony. For years he preached, but never seemed to be getting through to the lepers there. Then, one day, he was diagnosed with leprosy. He started his next sermon with, “Fellow lepers.” From that time on, the lepers really paid attention to him and he made a real connection with them. He was no longer a well-intentioned outsider; he was now one of them.

    The sense I get through the whole sales letter is that you’re a well-intentioned outsider. I feel you need something to get your audience to feel, “Yes, he knows exactly what I’m dealing with!”

    I’ll mention one more negative before I turn to what your strongest point is. The other negative I see is when I scan the early part of your sales letter. You try to break up your copy with red highlighting, but the pattern is so repetitive that it loses the effect of breaking it up.

    Rather than giving the psychological impression of short, easy-to-digest morsels, it takes on the feel of a single, unbroken wall of text. I suggest that you break it up in different ways: with bullets, with short snippets of video rather than one long one, with a single Johnson box that makes a point instead of grouping large stretches of Johnson boxes together (which has the same effect of creating a large, continuous block psychologically).

    Now on to what I consider your strongest point. Your talk about your production experience and what you learned from Sesame Street really grabbed my interest. And no wonder why!

    It was finally you speaking directly from experience instead of as an observer. It was you talking passionately instead of cerebrally, as you tended to do a lot in your copy. And it was you finally revealing your USP.

    It’s a great USP. Using psychological advertising techniques to help people rethink their addictions — wow! That is pure gold on so many levels. It makes you a hero for taking something that most people feel a little resentful about and putting into service to help them rather than manipulate them. Media is something that is an integral part of their lives and something they have a low threshold of resistance to using.

    Why bury that gem 15-20 pages into your sales letter? Get some sort of “fellow lepers” story out there to hook them, and then hit them with your USP and follow up with its effectiveness.

    Right now, you’re first trying to “sell” them on admitting that they have a drinking problem. Then you’re trying to sell them on your product. That’s two separate sells. And I believe you lose many of those who are already convinced of the first sell by continuing to hammer at what they already know. And those who don’t come onto your page already convinced of the first sell may or may not even get convinced of the first, much less the second.

    Finally, I’m 100% with the people who urge you to offer either a free report/video/podcast or an entry level product. Considering the two levels of sell you go through in your sales letter and the price of your single product, I can see why people are hesitant to buy. I don’t know how your product is set up, but could you break off a giveaway that explains why media works in getting people to rethink their drinking (why, not how — the how is in the product itself). Include a success story or two to prime the pump of their desire.

    Can you develop an entry level product where they pay a smaller amount to get an autoresponder series that mixes video lessons or webinars that give a taste of your full product but leaves them wanting more.

    And while I wouldn’t suggest you do this in a single sales letter, I see potential for you to develop interrelated products geared specifically for different segments of your audience (alcoholics themselves, non-alcoholic problem drinkers, family members of alcoholics/problem drinkers, even businesses who want to deal with drinking problems in a preventative manner, before those problems affect the work environment). For this sales letter, though, I suggest that you remain focused.

    Well, that’s about all. I hope it helps.

97. Comment by Shaun — May 31, 2009 @ 9:25 am

    First of all I just want to say if I repeat anything already posted I apologize I didn’t have time to read all the comments.

    First of all I don’t believe the headline connects with the prospect.

    I would try do drive in an emotional spike about true story of someone losing their family.

    I also think thing the headline it too wordy and could be boiled down.

    The testimonial from the creator seems to beg someone to take action rather than show the the steps he wants someone to take.

    The video looks too “Hollywood” and unbelievable. At times it a little annoying. Like someone banging you over the head repeatedly. A mini- AA meeting.

    The mixes red and black empasis makes it hard to read, I keep jumping around not sure where to go next.

    The benefits in the “RED” a seem vague, like I will help you stop drinking. Maybe he should be more specific in how he is going to help. What exactly is he going to do. Show a quality example.

    Add more proof by using pictures and names to the professional peoples testimonials.

    Jump back to the beggining a sec, I think right after the salutation he should dive into his personal story to really connect with the reader. Not just state . . . You have a drinking problem.

    There is no reason to make a purchase around the first buy button.

    I think he rambles on too long about how he stumbled upon this program.

    I would trim it down in to a few benefit (easy-to-use) paragraphs that would allow the reader visualize how easy it would be to use.

    Use more visual aids to show the contents of the package. video. pictures. etc.

    maybe also get some cover art created.

    Try to correlate the testimonials with the features of the product.

    The features of the program are too general. They need to tell the reader exactly what will happen. Not . . .You will feel better.

    Drive home the pain and embarrasement of having to go to AA meetings and how discreet this can be.

    How about some samples of the audios cds?

    He states, this program is not for you unless you are one of the millions. What happened to talking to just one person.

    The guarantee seems to be stated in am almost jokingly manner. for example. your not getting air tight guarantee but a life time guarantee.

    There is no build up to why you might have to pay $15,000.

    Show proof of what an actual DUI costs.

    Price is never stated.

    NOt sure why you would direct potential buyers to a “you need javasript page.” What if a spouse walks in while you are ordering?

    NO urgency. Why should I buy THIS program RIGHT now?

    Stopping drinking and admitting you have a problem is already hard enough. The copy at the end keeps hitting him over the head rather than take him by the hand showing him how easy its going to be.

    I would also test the color of the background maybe starting with black, then dark blue.

    Make the footer image clickable.

    Make the order button more noticable. Re stating the main benefit.

    That pretty much wraps up my take on the page.

    Enjoy,

    Shaun Thresher

98. Comment by Tian Yan — June 1, 2009 @ 2:41 am

    Hi big guy, I think this is brilliant.

    Based on what I’ve learnt from you, there’s a lot to think about when dealing with this product. Let’s see if I’m applying this for maximum impact.

    Starting from the target audience, I’m sensing this product is aimed at 2 groups:

    - Alcoholics whose life are affected by their drinking habit

    - People whose life are affected by alcoholics close to them.

    Out of the two, I prefer to zone in on the alcoholics because they are the root cause of the problem. Ideally, we want to reach out to alcoholics who are feeling the hurt and damage of what this substance has inflict onto their lives.

    I say this because this group has more pain to push them to corrective action. Selling to this group of burnt-out, fed-up alcoholics is easier than to sell someone who doesn’t care.

    When I tried to interview ex-alcoholics to understand their recovery journey, I contacted a few family and friends, who all replied something to this effect: “Sorry, right now all my friends are alcoholics and loving it, you targeted the wrong age group.” And that’s an important point.
    People who are sick and tired of drinking experiences:

    - The guilt for being ignorant and getting hooked in the first place. (”Why was I so stupid?”)

    - Regret for the loss of certain opportunities as a result of their drinking habit.

    - The yearning to live a normal, healthy, happy life. They probably have a lot of inner chatter going on in their head every day about how things might be different if they don’t have this problem.

    - The denial of needing external help and rationalizing to
    procrastinate corrective action. They can’t stand to see how ugly their situation has become or can’t muster up enough willpower to make changes.

    - Thus, they take another booze to run away from their current reality. And the cycle continues. They are frustrated, angry, sick and tired of their problems.
    So let’s use this for the headline…

    The current headline has a big promise, however, it’s a little cluttered. I see stop drinking… I see staying sober… I see independence from alcohol… I see rehab program… I see AA meetings… I see the privacy of their own home. The headline is trying to do too much.

    An alcoholic deep in this problem don’t want all that. They just want the problem GONE NOW.

    Prehead: Michael Mears, Creator Of The #1 Alcohol Recovery Program Asks…

    Headline: “Are You Sick And Tired Of Being Controlled By Alcohol Like A Puppet On A String? When Would Today Be The Day You Claim Back Your Life?

    Subhead: Here’s How You Can Smash That Bottle Of Booze For Good And Walk Away From Your Addiction.

    As much as I can, I want to remind how bad the reader is being used, manipulated, and played with by the liquor industry. Your reader is looking for someone to blame for the hurt they experienced in their life, and we can use it ethically to make them angry enough such that they become proactive and feel in charge of their own actions.

    Common enemy: The liquor industry

    “Do you know that you are nothing more than a statistic on a pie chart in the eyes of these liquor dealers? They don’t care if you have a family or a bright future, all they care about is how to make you drink their poison until you go broke, or dead.”

    “And even then, they go after everybody else you care about. After all, alcoholics are not made, they are born from a drinking family.”

    From there on, we can explain why Mike can help them and why he is their champion advocate. Explain how he understands the power of mass advertising through television and how liquor companies brainwash people to be their supporters. And how by using the same medium, Mike can reverse this process and change their mind about alcohol.

    Mike has a lot of testimonials from real people. And I think a sidebar filled with testimonials and pictures can help push the sale. This way, when Mike makes a unjustified claim, the sidebar assures the reader that he can be trusted.

    We can also reward the reader for reading by putting in an actionable piece of advice to help dissolve some of their pain. It’s can be just a little sample to get them hooked (no pun intended) for the actual product. Right now, they’re pretty skeptical. They might have tried other stuff (AA, hypnosis, rehab, etc). They don’t know if you’re someone who wants to take advantage of them while they are at their lowest point of their life. So deliver some value and help them get some control over their addiction as your commitment to them as a potential customer.

    Other things to be careful of…

    Mike has a lot of subheads that starts with the words “You Will…” Again, we might want to be careful about this. We all know how work-adverse people are and saying “You Will Overcome The Crazy-Making Emotions…” sounds like a lot of work.

    A lot of the bullets have greyed-out text to emphasis the embedded command. However, it makes it hard to read as well. Instead of greying out the rest of the text, maybe italicizing the embedded command will work better.

    Story telling is also a little too elaborate and Mike might want to abbreviate them to improve the reading pace and flow. Take elements which are crucial for the plot points and cut down on the rest so we can start selling.

    Finally, when I right-clicked the order link and open it in a new window, I get an error page stating that I need Java for my web browser. There’s nothing wrong with my browser and we probably killed some sales there. So that’s another thing we should probably fix first.

    That’s it, Clayton. I look forward to hearing from you and learning more. Good luck to you too, Mike.

    Warmly,
    - Tian Yan

99. Comment by Him — June 5, 2009 @ 9:59 pm

    I wouldn’t want to change a word.

    Only put up more trust/credibility/value factors.

    Then create tons of traffic and back-end products to sell.

    Amazing…

    I love how this sales copy is written.