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Posted by: Clayton Makepeace
July 7, 2008
Issue #453

You only think you suck

Here’s something that will make
even the rankest amateur copywriter smile:

Hands-down, the WORST direct mail piece
I’ve ever seen!

Dear Business-Builder,

I’ve got a corker for you this week …

You only think that bomb you just wrote had to be the worst ever. Once you see this piece of certified direct mail doo-doo, you’re going to feel like a genius.

Especially when you think about how the company that mailed this travesty is one of the largest in its industry – and probably paid some huge, international ad agency a king’s ransom to create it.

And that, somewhere, even as you read this, some ka-ka-for-brains creative director is probably being nominated for a place in the Advertising Hall of Fame.

At the very least, this should be encouraging for you.

Because you know what?

SOMEBODY got paid good money to write this!

Nearly every week, I get letters from skeptics who ask if you really can make money as a copywriter.

From now on, I’m going to just send them a copy of this promotion and say, “Could you write a letter like this? If so, YES YOU CAN make good money writing copy. Because somebody actually got paid to write this!”

Of course, if you or anyone else who reads The Total Package ever creates anything like this piece of garbage and I hear about it, there’ll be hell to pay.

Now, this is a component package consisting of a brown craft window envelope, a sales letter and a response device.

Its purpose is (supposedly) to convince me, a business owner, to apply for a credit card.

Instead, it has convinced me that everyone at the ad agency that created it should be indicted under the RICO act for being associated with what clearly is a “corrupt organization” guilty of defrauding its client and taking money under false pretenses.

And everyone at the credit card company who had a hand in this abortion – and the people who hired them – should be summarily flogged, fired and then sued for breach of trust.

To think that thousands of perfectly good trees were murdered to make the paper that this abomination was printed on should have every good environmentalist ready to take up arms.

It really is that bad.

Quite an introduction – right?

Want to see it?

OK – click here, then once you’ve taken a gander, come back here.

I’ll wait …

So … was I right or was I right?

Now, I could tear this thing to shreds, but I’m thinking, why should I have all the fun?

Why don’t you tell me why investing even one minute of time or one penny in this package was the dumbest thing ever?

And if you have a few minutes and feel like flexing your direct response muscle, why not write your own version of a one-page sales letter that would beat the living daylights out of this piece?

I’ll check back in early every morning this week to add my thoughts – and next Monday, I’ll pick my favorite critique and my favorite alternative … and give both of you a nice prize.

This should be fun …

Yours for Bigger Winners, More Often,
Clayton Makepeace Signature
Clayton Makepeace
Publisher & Editor
THE TOTAL PACKAGE

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202 Comments »

Comment by Allen W — July 7, 2008 @ 10:12 am
The perfect reason why trying to be cute for cute’s sake can make you fall flat on your face.

I will guess there was a study done somewhere, and the study probably for billions of dollars showed people are tired of receiving sales letters from credit card companies, and just want to get the best deal.

No fluff, so some ivory tower genius decided the best way to do it was to try and be cute about it.
Comment by Fred Black — July 7, 2008 @ 10:21 am
It insults the intelligence of the reader. If they wanted a facts only, to-the-point sales letter, they should have used bullets… but, these people probably can’t be trusted with bullets!
Comment by John Scola — July 7, 2008 @ 10:22 am
Maybe it is just me, but when I read that letter… the company pretty much acknowledged they were wasting my time with ALL the previous letters.

I actually felt insulted!

And I think you are right… only a non-direct response advertising agency that is gunning for the cleverest/funniest award of the year would come up with drivel like this.

And truth be told… most DM from credit card companies really suck…
Comment by Jason Leister — July 7, 2008 @ 10:25 am
It’s bad… unless it works. Dumber things have worked. Of course if this does work, then everyone will start using the hot new "blah" technique for their sales letters. :)
Comment by Brandon Z — July 7, 2008 @ 10:28 am
OMG… I seriously thought when I first looked at this that you must have changed this sales letter to have all the "blah"’s, then I noticed their website link and realized that some idiot thinks this is good marketing.

Cute? Funny? How about braindead? This piece of junk makes me wonder if the writer wasn’t just like a 5th grader who can’t think of what to put on the mother’s day card that he has to write in the next ten minutes, so he just puts, "I love you lots and lots and lots and lots and lots…" well, you get the picture.

The real story here, is the guy who they hired probably thinks that long copy doesn’t work, and so he’s actually made a sales letter that mocks the very same thing.

For Advanta’s sake, I sure hope they agreed only to pay him based on his copy’s results…

Well, I sure feel better now. Thanks Clayton.
Comment by Robert — July 7, 2008 @ 10:29 am
Nice!I was doing some DM work with one of the largest credit card banks. They had the slogan, "the more you spend, the more you save" in all their copy. It was mandated that I include it in mine. After several rounds of protest and tantrums we got them to at least test two versions of the copy – one with, one without the slogan. In EVERY test, that slogan reduced response rate by 50%. Yet, it permeated all of their advertising and promotions at the time. I see the MBA’s are still making the DM decisions in this industry…
Comment by Patrick — July 7, 2008 @ 10:33 am
Hmm this is the typical “we are boring business for boring business” type of letter.

I am no copywriter or ever read any copywriter manual so here is something from laymans perspective.

“Here’s a great offer…”
= Let us introduce you to new way of conducing your boring day to day usage of your credit cards you are always accustomed to…

“travel rewards”
= reward free travels that you deserved to the places your always dreamed of where you can recharge batteries..

“customize your card”
=say goodbye to the copy-paste boring look of your credit card

… i have to get back to work, will fill other through the week
Comment by Craig — July 7, 2008 @ 10:36 am
Clayton,

I believe the author of this package should do the entire DM world a favor and exit the business of copywriting while they’re ahead!!

They (the writer) has not only insulted the intelligence of the recipient with this nonsense, but they have also destroyed the integrity of the institution that has paid them well for this.

I think I’ll go down to the local elementary school and recruit a 5th grader to re-write the copy for this promo, submit it, then sit back and fund the kid’s college fund with all of the royalties that would soon follow!!!

Thanks for listening…
Comment by Ken Calhoun — July 7, 2008 @ 10:38 am
I agree w/Brandon… at first I too thought you’d changed the copy to replace it w/"blahs" for laughs… then I realized that this really Was their control.. there really IS a http://www.theblahblahsite.com …

Nothing like a good ol’ case of the "blahs" to get potential customers all worked up … to drop this pos in the nearest circular file, that is. Great example of how cutesy madison ave marketing (written by someone who wants an award vs sales), can go horribly awry. Thanks for the chuckle.

-k
Comment by David Foley — July 7, 2008 @ 10:42 am
Credit card acceptance rates have been in freefall for a decade, but banks still mail out millions of solicitations. This letter disguises some real benefits for business owners For instance —

"Hey, Clayton, 0.000000% interest on your balance transfers — for a full 9 months no less — means you can pay down your business debt faster and cheaper. Then once you’ve slain the debt dragon, use your card to make purchases at low interest rates. And, if that’s not enough, get reward dollars that you can spend like cash."

Like most credit cards, this letter has a compelling offer — if you take advantage of the balance transfer, pay it off in full and then pay off future balances to avoid interest costs. Of course, the card issuer is praying that new customers will not do that!
Comment by Rodney Trotter — July 7, 2008 @ 10:46 am
You would hope that the copywriter tested this blah technique before recommending it to their client. Of course, if they did, we probably would not be having this discussion.

I think this says more about the client than the copywriter. As the reader of this blah sales letter, I came away with the feeling that they do not care. If I called their service department with a problem, all they would hear is blah and take it about as seriously as we are taking their sales letter.

At least now I know there is hope for me as a copywriter.
Comment by Pete — July 7, 2008 @ 10:49 am
They must have wanted people to throw this piece away without reading it.
Comment by Lois Bernstein — July 7, 2008 @ 10:50 am
I’ll take your word for it, but I find it hard to believe that a company would actually send this out. It violates evry rule of copywriting. You can say all you want about the writer of the unforgiveable letter, but if I received this abomination I would be sure not to buy anything from the company. They really are the culprits.

Lois B.
Comment by Chuck — July 7, 2008 @ 11:00 am
Wait, is this for real? Are you saying the letter comes like that — all filled with just "blahs"? They can’t be serious.

Hopefully this piece is part of a limited test. As blatantly stupid as it appears to us, you can’t truly know until you test. If they’re testing (and tracking!), then they deserve points (just a couple) for trying something, er, unusual. No matter what we think, only the market results count, right? Who knows, maybe this thing could work like gangbusters for their target market. (But clearly Clayton is not an ideal member of their target market!)

If this is not a test, but a wide roll-out, then either (A) they have already tested it and it is their new control (scary!), or (B) shame on them for being so dumb!

Chuck
Comment by Adam — July 7, 2008 @ 11:02 am
Clayton, you think that spending all the moolah to print and mail these letters (not to mention all the trees wasted on this quite disgusting mail piece) is bad?

Well, I’ve got news for you. The plantpots at this company actually ran literally dozens of TV commercials in the UK with this pile of poo. Some guy singing "blah, blah, blah" all the freakin’ way through it! Must have cost an arm and a leg. Advertising suicide at it’s very finest.
Comment by Blake — July 7, 2008 @ 11:04 am
You’re absolutely wrong Clayton! This is a thing of genius!
You could take it to any college campus around the country and have eighteen year old boys - especially the ones in "altered states of consciousness" - busting a gut, showing it off to their friends, and filling it out (sometimes even with the correct information!). You’d have to test it, but this might be one of the best pieces ever written to get males 18-22 to apply for a credit card.
*Reads the details*
Oh, wait, they sent it out to business owners. Never mind, the promotion’s a piece of blah.
Comment by Osman — July 7, 2008 @ 11:07 am
Oh no.. English is not my main language but I surely can write better salesletter compared to the blah blah site. They’re trying to be different or unique…in the end, it looks stupid! This is definitely a good motivation to anyone who thinks they can’t write a good salesletter…me included.
Comment by Marcelino Latorre — July 7, 2008 @ 11:11 am
It cant be this easy man..
Comment by Gavriel Shaw — July 7, 2008 @ 11:15 am
My visceral response to that piece? An uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feint impression of my own experiences in a creative ad agency. And the ‘gutted’ feeling that ‘creative’ copywriters are actually churning that stuff out, whilst I’m here longing for the opportunity to sink my teeth into mailing campaigns once again. In fact, I’m working on a new freelance copywriter page for myself that begins with the heading… Direct Response Marketer
From London UK
Beats Advertising Agency By 610%
Using These 3 Crucial Ingredients
For Guaranteed Marketing Success In my new self-promotion piece, I explain how I beat the agency. (The type of agency that would produce that kind of ‘blah blah’ piece, if only it had the balls to do it, and clients as naive).It was a split test: My plain text long email vs their cheery colourful short copy email with big bright call to action button. Promoting personal loans to old customers.
Well, rather than repeat the story here, if you’d like to know some of the gory details, it’s on my freelance copywriter page….Which really is my attempt to compell small business owners to avoid like the plague the type of marketing exemplified in the ‘blah blah’ piece. So Clayton perhaps you can accept it as my entry into your competition
http://www.gavrielshaw.com/hire
(The page is admittedly still in development whilst I figure out just what type of prospect I need to aim at to carve my self a niche in the UK copywriting landscape… and find my own Partner Deals!)Gavriel ShawPS. Any tips for my page from any big gun slingers here will be most appreciated.
Comment by James — July 7, 2008 @ 11:16 am
Rember the old commercial of a few years back.
"Where’s the beef "? I think it applies here!
Comment by Jeff Davis — July 7, 2008 @ 11:17 am
Hi Clayton, blah…

Jeff Davis Top Gun Copywriter here, blah!

My first question is what is the conversion ratio, blah?

What does the other page they are split-testing look like, blah?

Just one blah?

LOL, blah

It’s not so much a salesletter as it is a flash banner, blah…

with absolutely no benefits, blah…

Now if they had Blah The Vampire, saying:
"Does your credit suck more than me, blah?

That would be funny, blah.

I’ll fix it for $4,500, but we’ll need a new domain, blah.

Best Wishes, blah…

Jeff Davis Top Gun Copywriter, blah…;~)

P.S. Wait a minute, blah…
Didn’t I see Uncle Marlon pull this stunt last week, blah?

The dreaded grandpa burn, blah!
Comment by Gavriel Shaw — July 7, 2008 @ 11:18 am
OH what’s up with the wysiwyg editor, All my spacing and formatting has been wiped out from my post. Hope it’s readable!
Comment by Tom — July 7, 2008 @ 11:22 am
On the one hand I agree that this could be worth testing, but from the looks of the package and the site at theblahblahsite.com this is already a full advertising blitz.

I can see where the idea would come up during a late night brainstorming session from a team that is frustrated and has completely run out of any decent ideas. Like most super bowl commercial, it is memorable, but I sure don’t see anything that would make me want to do anything but drop it in the TRASH after seeing it is really just another blahblah credit card advertisement.
Comment by Bruce Lawson — July 7, 2008 @ 11:30 am
After carefully reading and analyzing " the letter"… and then realizing that somebody actually paid for it…I’m thinkin’ maybe copywriting might be a better opportunity than I guessed.
Comment by Conrad — July 7, 2008 @ 11:41 am
Clayton,
Why are you such a spoilsport?

Give credit where credit is due.

The names and addresses of these brave creative souls deserve mention.

(I dearly want them to go to work on the ads of our competitors)
Comment by Tom Wells — July 7, 2008 @ 11:42 am
There are so many ways this could be slaughtered. But they did a good job of that already.

It reminds me of that old Larsen cartoon. The guy is talking to his dog - he and the dog are in the frame, with the dog looking at him. He says, "You’re a good dog Spike. Do you want a treat Spike? Do you want to go outside Spike?" or something like that. This first frame is titled "What you say to Spike."

The second frame is titled "What Spike hears." And, you guessed it, "Blah, blah, blah Spike. Blah blah blah blah blah Spike. Blah blah, blah Spike." In this piece, it’s pretty much the same.
Comment by Kammy Thurman — July 7, 2008 @ 11:44 am
Oh. My. Gosh. I actually thought, Clayton, that you had substituted all the blah, blah, blahs for the original copy because it was so boring. When I realized it IS the original copy, I couldn’t help but chuckle and shake my head at the latest "creative" from Madison Avenue.

I’m locking horns in the photography industry with the same stupidity coming from "marketers" who are telling photographers that building their biz is all about branding and the images (because people never read copy). In other words — blah, blah, blah advertising.

Makes my blood boil to see studio owners having their limited marketing budgets sucked into the black hole of brand advertising because of stupid statements coming from so called "experts" who are parroting false statements with 0 proof to back up what they’re saying.
Comment by Sonia Simone — July 7, 2008 @ 11:45 am
It attracts attention in an extremely cluttered environment, it highlights the key features (not really benefits, but at least they are desirable features), and it calls for action.

Is it an example of great writing? Obviously it is not. Is that a requirement for an effective direct response piece? Not necessarily.

I wouldn’t trash this dog until I saw the numbers. It might be a stupid gimmick that doesn’t work, but it also might be a stupid gimmick that *does* work.
Comment by Pat Hayslett — July 7, 2008 @ 11:46 am
Clayton – This pile of Madison Avenue marketing doo-doo is a sad example of what happens when traditional ad agencies rush to add direct response services.
Their marketing narcissism only goes to prove Daniel Levis’ rant… Why wouldn’t they take the time to learn the response winning secrets that have been proven since Claude Hopkins showed the power of specificity and reason why? It’s obvious they have never been taught to think of their customers with the mantra “What’s in it for me?” They must be more concerned with a Clio award and the easiest way to make a quick buck off Advanta. Had they thought about the best interests of their client, the agency would have realized that Advanta offers attractive benefits to customers – benefits that the agency, in their rush to pat themselves on the back for their creativity while they suck down a martini during Friday happy hour – left on the freakin’ table. It’s clear that ROI is a foreign word to agency creatives. Maybe they need an envelope sent to them with ROI plastered all over it – though I suspect it would have about a same effect as the ingenious blah blah blah attention getter :-P Since that agency is clearly not interested in the response boosting facts, let’s jump to them ourselves! ·        The dominant emotion is non-existent. Aren’t times pretty rough? Gee, I wonder if a small business owner would be interested in a card that gives him rewards and more of a fighting chance in this panic driven economy? Why would we bother to acknowledge the tough challenges you’re faced with?

·        The envelope does not seize attention and interest. If I’m a business owner in a lousy economy worrying about how to stay afloat, I’m not going to pay attention to a clear item of junk mail that mocks me by saying blah blah blah.

·        No headline. Might be a good idea to have one. No, really, I’m serious here…

·        The attempt to cut to the chase and present the facts fails to do so. Even by scanning the stand out words like they intended, I don’t have a good idea of the offer. I can’t answer what it is, who it’s for, or so what?

·        No specificity. It doesn’t tell me WHAT I can earn cash back on, such as gasoline (hmm, that MIGHT just be a hot button), office supplies, utilities, computer equipment, cell phones and internet services.

·        It has no believability. In fact, it looks like a hoax and I’d be afraid that the webpage they sent me to was just a phishing scam. The Advanta website positions Advanta as a company uniquely positioned for small businesses. That should be mentioned. I want to be in good hands.

·        The blah blah microsite is a waste. It distracts readers from the better, more specific content on advanta.com. It’s obviously born from the agency’s desire to prove they can make a clever flash site. Well this is not only less than ideal for search engines, it could also prevent people who don’t have the flash viewer installed properly from seeing your message.

·        They’re selling a card, when Advanta is more. The Advanta website has a full service account management feature online. Card holders can manage their account, download transactions, generate reports, control employee spending, pay bills online and receive news on other discounts and services. WHY IS THIS NOT MENTIONED? You’re selling more than a card with cool benefits!!! You’re selling business management help.
·        No reassurance. Where’s the guarantee? What kind of safety measures does Advanta take to protect my money?

·        Weak call to action. Boo. Hiss.

·        One Step Sale. Can they sell users on the new credit card in one step like this? Or should they offer a special report or free consultation?

·        No Email Capture. When I go to the micro site and see what a waste of my time it was, I inevitably leave. There is no attempt to try to gain my e-mail when I leave. No attempt to offer me value, build a list, or try to convert me to a sale. I could go on and on about the irresponsible neglect of this agency, but I’ll let my fellow Total Package readers continue the rant! P.S. – Look for my rewrite coming soon!
Comment by David Grebow — July 7, 2008 @ 11:48 am
Clayton:

You’re tough, tough man…

If you look at the flash concept on the website http://www.theblahblahsite.com it’s not the worst idea ever to come down the DM pike. I would guess that the brainstorm happened in a conference room, between the sales folks and the web marketing folks … and some poor copywriter got stuck with the hard copy (hard in more ways than one) version.

How do I know? I’ve worked the halls of Corporate Marketing Mania and have had more than my share of strange daze and funny advert stories … where a small germ of a webby idea becomes a raging plague that strikes all whom it infects, especially after the Marketing VP with the money comes down with it.

Unfortunately it’s always and only the poor copywriter who is told "Put the words to paper for a direct mailing" (or else), who gets sick and dies from the plague … RIF’d … corporate-speak for fired … canned … mulched, after the idea falls on its face and - to add insult to injury - is featured and slammed as the suckiest DM ever in Clayton’s Blog!

Corporate wordsmiths are SO replaceable since anyone can write and do their job anyway … right?

That’s why I left the Cubicles of Corporate America and became a successful independent online DM copywriter shooting for the ranks of the "A" List … someday soon, one of your controls, to the moon, Clayton, to the moon!

So I pity the poor corporate wonk who inherited this idea … only proving once more that the medium is the message and mixing analog and digital is never a good idea and blah blah blah …

Cheers,

David

PS I agree. It does sucks pond slime, as do so many other pieces of hardcopy DM, especially from highly competitive and very regulated industries.

PPS I’d be curious to see next time if you’ve ever discovered a REALLY good DM piece that found it’s snailmail way into your post box. Copywriting for print is different than for the web (or so you said many times) and copywriting in a hierarchical uptight braindead corporate environment is even harder.

Anything decent ever escape the The Committee and make it to your snailmailbox??

David
KnowledgeStar
Comment by Lawton Chiles — July 7, 2008 @ 11:50 am
OK, a few concerns plus some suggestions…

# 1- I too, thought Clayton had put all the Blah’s there. When i realized that it was REAL, it is shockingly bad.

#2- HOW did they convince the staff of the credit card company to pay for all this stuff on whim it might work? Usually that would never happen.

#3- The copywriter has no business being in the business, and neither do the people who LET him/her DO this.

#4- I mean, if I got it, I don’t even think I’d open it. It’s STUPID. It makes me feel stupid too. Stupid ads and stupid people gives advertising and marketing and very bad name- no wonder people have a bad taste in their mouth because of our industry.

#5- Can I re-write it?

#6- It seems that cute and clever never works. Is this always, 100% true?

I weep for their roi rate
Comment by Pat Hayslett — July 7, 2008 @ 11:51 am
Clayton – Whoa. My critique formatted about as well on here as the mail piece I’m ripping apart. Let’s try again! This pile of Madison Avenue marketing doo-doo is a sad example of what happens when traditional ad agencies rush to add direct response services. Their marketing narcissism only goes to prove Daniel Levis’ rant… Why wouldn’t they take the time to learn the response winning secrets that have been proven since Claude Hopkins showed the power of specificity and reason why? It’s obvious they have never been taught to think of their customers with the mantra “What’s in it for me?” They must be more concerned with a Clio award and the easiest way to make a quick buck off Advanta. Had they thought about the best interests of their client, the agency would have realized that Advanta offers attractive benefits to customers – benefits that the agency, in their rush to pat themselves on the back for their creativity while they suck down a martini during Friday happy hour – left on the freakin’ table. It’s clear that ROI is a foreign word to agency creatives. Maybe they need an envelope sent to them with ROI plastered all over it – though I suspect it would have about a same effect as the ingenious blah blah blah attention getter :-P Since that agency is clearly not interested in the response boosting facts, let’s jump to them ourselves! The dominant emotion is non-existent. Aren’t times pretty rough? Gee, I wonder if a small business owner would be interested in a card that gives him rewards and more of a fighting chance in this panic driven economy? Why would we bother to acknowledge the tough challenges you’re faced with?
The envelope does not seize attention and interest. If I’m a business owner in a lousy economy worrying about how to stay afloat, I’m not going to pay attention to a clear item of junk mail that mocks me by saying blah blah blah.
No headline. Might be a good idea to have one. No, really, I’m serious here…
The attempt to cut to the chase and present the facts fails to do so. Even by scanning the stand out words like they intended, I don’t have a good idea of the offer. I can’t answer what it is, who it’s for, or so what?
No specificity. It doesn’t tell me WHAT I can earn cash back on, such as gasoline (hmm, that MIGHT just be a hot button), office supplies, utilities, computer equipment, cell phones and internet services.
It has no believability. In fact, it looks like a hoax and I’d be afraid that the webpage they sent me to was just a phishing scam. The Advanta website positions Advanta as a company uniquely positioned for small businesses. That should be mentioned. I want to be in good hands.
The blah blah microsite is a waste. It distracts readers from the better, more specific content on advanta.com. It’s obviously born from the agency’s desire to prove they can make a clever flash site. Well this is not only less than ideal for search engines, it could also prevent people who don’t have the flash viewer installed properly from seeing your message.
They’re selling a card, when Advanta is more. The Advanta website has a full service account management feature online. Card holders can manage their account, download transactions, generate reports, control employee spending, pay bills online and receive news on other discounts and services. WHY IS THIS NOT MENTIONED? You’re selling more than a card with cool benefits!!! You’re selling business management help.
No reassurance. Where’s the guarantee? What kind of safety measures does Advanta take to protect my money?
Weak call to action. Boo. Hiss.
One Step Sale. Can they sell users on the new credit card in one step like this? Or should they offer a special report or free consultation?
No Email Capture. When I go to the micro site and see what a waste of my time it was, I inevitably leave. There is no attempt to try to gain my e-mail when I leave. No attempt to offer me value, build a list, or try to convert me to a sale. I could go on and on about the irresponsible neglect of this agency, but I’ll let my fellow Total Package readers continue the rant! P.S. – Look for my rewrite coming soon!
Comment by Lawton Chiles — July 7, 2008 @ 11:55 am
I also second what Pat said above my post. Where are the benefits and social proof?

What is the actual offer?

What was it that Drayton said about being laser-specific and making sure that the audience got all the benefits, even at the expense of being over-obvious?
Comment by Jim Symcox — July 7, 2008 @ 11:59 am
Ok that sales letter made me laugh. And as I live in the UK I’m surprised I didn’t see the Ad with the guy singing. Just shows it was advertising suicide.

Anyway, what about something like…

To Business Owners Who’re Too Busy To Get To The Bank

Hi Clayton,

Are you forever paying out cheques to your suppliers and giving out petty cash to your employees for their travel and hotel expenses?

It’s a pain "popping" to the bank for cash or another cheque book. You have to find a parking space, feed the meter and then join the interminable queue to the ccash till. And if you’re double unlucky get involved in a bank robbery.

So how does paying for stuff without a cheque book, or even using cash without hanging around a bank sound?

What if you get a reward for spending your own money? And I don’t mean Mickey Mouse rewards. I mean great rewards like free air travel, free luxury hotel accomodation or even free gold clubs!

I’m talking about a rather special credit card that allows you to transfer the balance from an existing credit card at Zero % interest. I’m talking about the Advanta Master Card which even has the best rate of any credit card going, guaranteed.

Listen don’t take my word for how great it is, listen to B Wooster from Brighton has to say:

"Before we had the Advanta card I found myself making countless trips to the bank every month. Once I got the card I cut the trips to once a month. Apart from saving a fortune on meters I’ve been to Disneyland Paris courtesy of the Advanta rewards."

Because this deal is so earth-shakingly great we’re only sending it out to just over 500,000 businesses. So sign up today to make sure you beat the rest of them for the 5 cards we’re planning to print.

Yours …..

PS If this deal excites you complete the application before nightfall and send it to us post haste by Royal Mail so that we can make sure you get your licence to get rewards by return post.
Comment by Ed Borasky — July 7, 2008 @ 12:01 pm
You all are missing the point. I get hundreds of these things a year. Good or bad they all end up in the shredder. I have no doubt you all can write great copy. But your primary audience is the shredder and the burn barrel.

Is the argument simply between the Advanta gimmick, which might have 99.95 percent shredded and excellent copy, which might have "only" 99.9 percent shredded?
Comment by Rick — July 7, 2008 @ 12:02 pm
I’m sure I’m the exception to the rule here, but it works for me.

A ton of promotions/copy are just blah, blah, blah anyway and are packed with useless attempts to con the mind into thinking your going to be ’spitting golden nuggets.’

How unique can a credit card offer be anyway? Who reads all the disclaimer drivel. I don’t.

The main points are driven home very well. I get what their trying to sell in all of 10 seconds. Read between the lines (or in this case the blah,blah,blah)
+ Unlimited rewards
+ cash rewards
+ travel rewards
+ merchanside rewards
+ Customize your card
+ No fee employee cards
+ 0% APR on balance transfers
+ 9.9% Variable APR

Oh, I get what’s wrong with it. Where’s the USP? What makes Advanta so special? What currently going on in the mind of the customer? Where’s the risk reversal, the PS, the limited time, scarcity angle and all the other elements of direct response copy.
Where’s the 10,000 frequent flier mileage as a bonus before signing up before midnight? A Blah,BLAH,blah mouse pad or coffee cup, or t-shirt would be a really cool tie in for all those who apply, approved or not. That would surely increase response and allow Advanta to identify some names out of their database.

What would be interesting would be seeing the numbers of this promotion and comparing it to other promotions.
Comment by Bill Urell — July 7, 2008 @ 12:09 pm
This is right up there with "When its gone, its gone"

Maybe I’ll do a Homer Simpson inspired letter "Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…
Comment by Larry Owen — July 7, 2008 @ 12:13 pm
INSIDE:
Everything you want to know about The Greatest Credit Card Offer in America WITHOUT the blah, blah, blah you don’t read anyway!

Advanta.
Tear open this envelope and we’ll rip you a new one!
Comment by Sharon Horstead — July 7, 2008 @ 12:16 pm
Stupefying!

stupefy
v 1: make dull or stupid; to muddle with drunkenness or
infatuation [syn: besot, stupify]
2: be a mystery or bewildering to: "This beats me!" "Got me–I
don’t know the answer!" [syn: perplex, get, puzzle, mystify, baffle, beat, bewilder, flummox, stupify, nonplus, gravel, amaze, dumbfound]
3: make senseless or dizzy by or as if by a blow; "stun fish"
[syn: stun, stupify]

Source: WordNet (r) 1.7

I think all 3 definitions apply in this case.

1. This really went to business executives [smart, successful people]? Patently a case of not knowing your target market. Someone was clearly drunk on the power of an opportunity to "express themselves" and infatuated by their own wit. No sober consideration of what was right for the client or the intended customer.

2. It’s a mystery to me why a copywriter who has the creativity and persuasive skills to sell this piece of junk [junk mail in its purest form] to management of their client can’t use that power for good rather than evil. That kind of influence should have been put to better use to create a profitable campaign for the client.

3. If I was on the receiving end of this, I would be stunned, like I’d just been walloped by a sucker punch.

Clayton, rather than "tearing this thing to shreds," whether that be ripping it up or dissecting it word by word or blah by blah, there is a way to send a direct message to the company. We’re not limited to just making fun of them here.

I’m assuming this package came with a postage paid envelope to make it as easy as possible for the customer [rube] to send back a completed application. Black out your name and invitation number as you did on the pdf and send the application back to them with the derogatory comment of your choice.

You can look at this direct response in one of two ways: a) your altruistic self can "offer them a valuable marketing lesson" for the small price of a stamp; or b) your bad ass self can "make ‘em pay for wasting your time", even if it’s only the small price of a stamp and the time it takes someone to open the envelope.

Clayton, this post and challenge of yours is a very creative teaching moment. I’m not a copywriter, yet. I’m just about to launch my web presence so I will soon be writing my own copy. This challenge could be fun to tackle as practice before being under the pressure of coming up with the perfect copy for my own site. I’ll give it a go this week.

Thanks for everything that you share so freely. I’ve learned so much in just a few short weeks from you and all your team.

Sharon
Calgary, Canada
Comment by Cathy Matheny — July 7, 2008 @ 12:19 pm
Do these people really think that the psuedo-subliminal background chatter of "blah blah blah" is going to inspire trust? This kind of unprofessionalism give me the impression that they don’t really value their own product. If I got this in the mail, it would go straight into the trash, where it belongs.
Comment by Graham Hawarth — July 7, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
1st reading - I was uncomfortable
2nd reading - I was angry
3rd reading - couldn’t face a 3rd and I was only angry on the 2nd because I’d read it even once.

This piece of garbage won’t even make it into the ‘Toilet Paper Hall of Fame’. In fact - it’s an insult to toilet paper, at least that has an honest use.

Graham
Comment by Vlad Mihalache — July 7, 2008 @ 12:52 pm
What and Blahnbelievable Blahnder,

Clayton are you seriously saying somebody sent this to you in hopes that you will apply. I Blahdy Don’t believe it. What we’re they thinking.

To be honest if somebody sent this monstrocity of a letter to me I’d fill it in with the same antics they pulled on me.

For Example:

Legal Name of Business: BlahBlahBlah
First Name: Blah-Blah BlahBlah
Last Name: BlahBlah

Need I continue.

It’s safe to say whatever person came up with this idea must be lying in bed every night saying to himself.
"How the hell, did I just make thousands of $ from excessively using the word Blah, I’m a genius".
Sorry to disappoint but genius is the complete opposite of what that person is.

Anyway I’ll stop going on since I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Blah for now
Comment by John Mauldin — July 7, 2008 @ 12:54 pm
Clayton,
As bad as this appears, I must admit that for many years I worked closely with my father’s printing company, on of the top ten largest in the US. I would often walk through the plant and this is the type of work that companies are sending out daily BY THE MILLIONS!

I don’t think we have ever produced a mailing for less than one million pieces. Because the majority of clients came from ad agencies, our copywriters couldn’t speak up, but I am sure many of them had sleepless nights.

Unfortunately, this scenario is the mainstay of big business, it is a matter of a tiny percentage of response off of voluminous mailings. It is a fact of life in big business. John Mauldin
Comment by Tommy — July 7, 2008 @ 1:10 pm
Just goes to show, drinking moonshine and smoking the funny green stuff while doing copy, just don’t work!

Blah?
Comment by Sharon Horstead — July 7, 2008 @ 1:11 pm
Stupefying!

stupefy

v. 1: make dull or stupid; to muddle with drunkenness or infatuation. [syn: besot, stupefy]
2: be a mystery or bewildering to: "This beats me!" "Got me — I don’t know the answer!" [syn: perplex, get, puzzle, mystify, baffle, beat, bewilder, flummox, stupefy, nonplus, gravel, amaze, dumbfound]
3: make senseless or dizzy by or as if by a blow; "stun fish" [syn: stun, stupefy]

Source: WordNet (r) 1.7

I think all 3 definitions apply in this case.

1. This really went to business executives [smart, successful people]? Patently a case of not knowing your target market. Someone was clearly drunk on the power of an opportunity to "express themselves" and infatuated by their own wit. No sober consideration of what was right for the client or the intended customer.

2. It’s a mystery to me why a copywriter who has the creativity and persuasive skills to sell this piece of junk [junk mail in its purest form] to management of their client can’t use that power for good rather than evil. That kind of influence should have been put to better use to create a profitable campaign for the client.

3. If I was on the receiving end of this, I would be stunned, like I’d just been walloped by a sucker punch.

Clayton, rather than "tearing this thing to shreds," whether that be ripping it up or dissecting it word by word or blah by blah, there is a way to send a direct message to the company. We’re not limited to just making fun of them here.

I’m assuming this package came with a postage paid envelope to make it as easy as possible for the customer [rube] to send back a completed application. Black out your name and invitation number as you did on the pdf and send the application back to them with the derogatory comment of your choice.

You can look at this direct response in one of two ways: a) your altruistic self can "offer them a valuable marketing lesson" for the small price of a stamp; or b) your bad ass self can "make ‘em pay for wasting your time", even if it’s only the small price of a stamp and the time it takes someone to open the envelope.

Clayton, this post and challenge of yours is a very creative teaching moment. I’m not a copywriter, yet. I’m just about to launch my web presence so I will soon be writing my own copy. This challenge could be fun to tackle as practice before being under the pressure of coming up with the perfect copy for my own site. I’ll give it a go this week.

Thanks for everything that you share so freely. I’ve learned so much in just a few short weeks from you and all your team.

Sharon
Calgary, Canada
Comment by Han Poelstra — July 7, 2008 @ 1:11 pm
Hi blahblah Clayton

Blahblah blahblahblah.
Blah blah blahblah.
Papershredder blah blah.
10% off blah blah.
Limited offer blah blah.

Regards Han
Comment by Robert Woodring — July 7, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
Clayton I thought you had put the blahblahs in it because, I didn’t think anybody could be that ignorant or disrespectful in an actual mailing.
It gives me a headache trying to read it, too cluttered even if you wanted use this device. At least put the actual words as a separate paragraph.
I assume their intent is to say they won’t waste your time. Off the top of my head here is what I’d write you.

Mr. Makepeace,

As a successful business owner your time is valuable, so I won’t waste it.
Rising energy costs has driven up the costs of doing business, everything from office supplies…to travel. A housing market in shambles…consumers nervously eyeing rising fuel and food costs and a stagant job market…add up to a uncertain economy…at least.
We both know now is not the time to "hole up" and weather the storm but, instead aggresively pursue new business. And we’re putting our money where our mouth is.
Zero, Zip, Nada…no interest for purchases or account balance transfers for NINE Months! Travel rewards to help you go out and get that new business.
Frankly, we’re going to lose money when you accept this introductory offer. But, we’re willing to do it for two reasons. First we also believe in actively pursuing new business, too. And, second we want your business…long term. And, I think once you get to know us you’ll want to business with us long term. That way we both win!
To accept just sign your name, where it says your name and then list any employees that you want cards for. It’s that simple. Drop it in the mail and we will Fed Ex your card back.
But you do need to reply in seven days.
A signature here.
P.S. I hope you agree that we didn’t waste your time.

Anyway that’s more or less what I think says we won’t waste your time. Everything on one page with the possibilty of folding the letter into a self mailer. Any verification could be done with the card’s activation.
What do you think, Clayton. Am I off my rocker?
-Robert Woodring
Comment by Judy Adler — July 7, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
Before criticizing this direct response package, I would want
to see the response it generated. I get many credit card offers
each month and I only look at the interest rate for balance
transfers, the balance transfer fee, and/or the percent cash back
on purchases.     I never read any of the other ‘blah, blah" stuff.

This envelope was provocative and I would definitely open it,
and read through the key points to see if it was worth applying
for.

I know from my many years experience working at direct response agencies (Rapp and Collins and others) that it is very difficult to predict a successful direct response ad before testing.

When we used to challence people to "Guess the Winner" between two ads that had been tested against each other, more often than not, they picked the losing ad.

We had a saying "It ain’t creative unless it works".   Maybe your
article will generate a response from the agency that created this
package and they can show some response data supporting this
strategy.       Judy Adler
Comment by Judy Adler — July 7, 2008 @ 1:28 pm
I just sent in a comment about the direct mail piece, and realized that it was the first time I’ve ever posted on a blog!

Clayton, you clever dog, you…you successfully used the strategy
of challenging us to write a better package and you got us
involved.

I’ll bet this particular email generated the most posts you have had in a long time!

Judy Adler
Comment by Stephen Lohse — July 7, 2008 @ 1:30 pm
I’m not much of an "ad copy person", and yes I do see what they were trying to attempt, but they were clearly targeting the wrong person with the wrong product for this type of ad. Having said all that, would it be wrong to approach this with a personal testimonial?

Hello Clayton, Stephen Lohse here…

     You know, when I was redployed from Iraq, I found that starting my online business to be nearly overwhelming. I was up to my eyeballs in debt, had a family to think about, not much time to dedicate to getting my life back to normal civilian status. The last thing I needed was MORE STRESS, by from bills, creditors, and of course the "time crunch factor".
     But you know, I did find a way to pay down the debt, spend a little more time around the house, and alieviate the stress of credit card debt that had accumulated during the deployment when I discovered Advanta Master Card.
     With a 0% APR on all balance transfers, allowed me to consolidate my debts, and pay down the balance. With the 9.9% variable intrest rate, cash,travel, and unlimited and merchandise rewards, the choice to switch was a "no-brainer". With the peace of mind of that a customer service rep was merely a phone call away that was able to help me out with a few issues that had come up during the "settleing in" process, coming home was alot easier than I had imagined.
     So, If your like me and could use the stress free method of digging yourself out of that hole of debt in a way that is much less painful, go to (call to action http://www.blah blah blah.com or call toll free etc. etc.)
I don’t know something more like that. I could dig it! At least that is better than what I read. (could use more emotion maybe… like I said I’m not an ad copy guy, I hope I don’t get beat up too badly lol)
Comment by Paul Flood — July 7, 2008 @ 1:51 pm
Very weak piece. Any benefit gained as a result of getting it opened was dealt a fatal blow by the agency gods of creativity.

Have they ever heard of benefits, headlines or deadlines? What pain are they trying to cure? At least they had a tracking number. It would be interesting to see the results of this mailing vs. a well done control.
Comment by Jimbo — July 7, 2008 @ 1:53 pm
I thought it was unique because it was something new. It’s the new things that create the styles everyone copies once they prove successful. That is why they say the pioneers have the arrows in their back- this copywriter has about 100 arrows in his back right now. If the numbers pan out… I think he’s a genius. If they don’t… I still admire him for thinking outside the box. Only copywriters love copy- the prospect wants the BEEF.
Comment by Katleen — July 7, 2008 @ 2:00 pm
Sorry Clayton, but I think the purpose of the mailing was: getting the reader’s attention. And it just did!
I’m sure you DO remember the card company and I thinkthe blablathing was a cleaver idea. So if it works, why not?
But I agree: the C2A and the response card could be written better.
Comment by Jay — July 7, 2008 @ 2:32 pm
My critique:

1. The envelope was a drab color. I wouldn’t want to open it. It’s depressing!
2. I already know to throw it away with the other advertisments becasue it has a percentage rate on the front. I already know I’m about to get a credit card offer.
3. In the first sentence of the sales letter, you tell them what they are going to get based on MC thought, not what’s in it for them as the customer.
4. I see a bunch of useless "rewards". They always have stipulations and there are too many of them. What good is a rewards if I don’t care about it, or want it?!
5. The customize my card would have been nice closer to the top of the sales page, but if you are a business, this just becomes another hassle to deal with as an employer.
6. Sure they offer NO-FEE employee cards, but what am I (the boss), chopped liver?
7. Everything I get as a monetary advantage is marked with an asterisk, so it’s probably not going to be great for me at all.
8. The application is too long! I don’t want to sit down and fill out all this, especially if I have to do it. I have to fill in employees’ personal information (If it’s handy) and I have to send this via snail mail. Can’t I do any of this online?
9. The back of the envelope is filled with letter which is a dead give-a-way for an advertisement.
10. Also on the back, they appeared to try to "hide" the terms of this application. They are too small to read, and another reason not to open it if it’s turned on it’s back on the mail.

That’s my piece Clayton. I’m not even going to write a sales letter for this because I despise credit card companies!

Thanks again.
Comment by Brendan — July 7, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
Well!Probably its a result of the credit crisis…SURE ME THE MONEY…Like they say, "Never judge a book by its cover." I know some book covers look as if they’re a result of unimaginable imagination…if you get me…a residue of wit…However, the temptation…Never criticize a copy which you don’t know its results. Frankly, how can I know if I can wallop this ad if I don’t know the ROI.Obviously to the eye, it looks like the rubbish material, but lets all remember in direct response the results do the talking. Our universal language here is "MONEY"mine:Caught in the fast lane of change? Take advantage of Advanta Platinum Business Card… A LITTLE PIECE OF ETERNITY…and …ENJOY!I would use a picture as a ‘grabber’ and make this offer exclusive and employ the emotion of fear of the future to build a sanctuary of happiness in the mist of gloom.I am just a newbie, so let me stop here.
Comment by Lynn Lepley — July 7, 2008 @ 3:20 pm
Clayton: As a writer I’m a faithful reader of your blog, even though I write for the education and children’ markets.

But you’ve inspired me. After seeing this sales piece, I’m convinced that I can write something better than this.

If you hadn’t explained that it was legit, I would have thought it was a joke! Lynne
Comment by Bill Toebes — July 7, 2008 @ 3:20 pm
At first I though Clayton was having fun replacing words with some Monday blahs.The Lightning of common sense hit my cerebral glands. “hey his is it all Blahs,the BLAH’s have it.Making all copy writers redundant to marketing a product.

Taking over the copy writing world from the tired over payed brain strained crowd with a simple solution of introducing the Blah key wording of a new genre of cheap copy writing.

The new writing inspiration without perspiration “blah ,blah,blah.Simple get payed setting the computer on BLAH A copy writer whose only original thought was “blah”.Struck with a lot of blah’s for inspiration caused by,no doubt inhalation of generic genus wacky tabacky.

With an added dose of smog blinding out every word other than “blah”. Causing “the author” to be blinded,struck deaf and dumb to anything other than the blahs.Probably crying the blahs on the way to the cash machine.To cash his last check for writing BLAH.

A totally inept attempt at being being cute (with apologies to all who write)overwhelmed by his own prose .Blah.

” Sir how many “BLAH’S” WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE HOME TO THE WIFE AND KIDDIES? Some “Blah” for breakfast or dinner and how are fixed for “Blah’s” come an get it blahs,
Comment by Clayton Makepeace — July 7, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
OK — great comments as always, everyone!

Some quick responses (more tomorrow) …

Jason: Dumber things have worked? Really? Please send a sample! Also: Send data proving that those dumber things worked better than the smarter things that were tested against them? Thanks!

Yes, Lois, Chuck and everyone else who questioned whether or not this was a REAL direct mail piece — it arrived in my mailbox when Wendy and I were in Vegas a few weeks ago.

Marcelino: Bullseye! It can NOT be this easy. Wish it was. We could just create a program that asks us to input the features (not benefits, mind you — features) of the product. Then, just click "ENTER" and the program would fill the sales page with "blah-blah" separated by vague, unspecific features.

I agree Conrad — maybe some sleuth can figure out which ad agency is responsible — and the names of the creative director and copywriter. I’d be more than happy to put their name (and pictures, if available) up in lights!

Sonia, I guarantee you that you could write a more effective piece. Heck. My 14-year-old could have … when he was THREE.

Ed, Ed, Ed! You think engaging the prospect with benefits and asking for the sale would only give you a four-tenths-of-one-percent lift? Wow. I can see I have some serious work to do here …

Larry: Minor edit to your inspired headline: "Tear open this envelope or we’ll tear you a new one!" (You’re hilarious as always.)

Hi, John Mauldin! Ladies and Gentlemen, say "HI" to frequent CNBC commentator, best-selling investment author, futures trader par-ecellence, fellow vodka-swiller and all-around great guy, JOHN MAULDIN!

Hey John — still have that fancy box seat office at Texas Stadium?

Et tu, Jimbo? One correction: Copywriters HATE writing copy. We love cashing royalty checks, but we hate slaving away over a hot keyboard for a month or more to create something that will actually work.

Fact is, this is a testable medium. Every test I’ve ever seen in 37 years has screamed, "Write until you run out of benefits!!!!"

One other thing: Any idiot can come up with something "new" — and in this case, one did. True creativity is coming up with something that leverages the techniques our testing has proven work best in a new, engaging and compelling way.

More than 100 years of testing has proven that benefits work. Connecting with your prospect’s resident emotions about the value those benefits will bring to his life — works.

And a century of scientific testing has also proven that fluff like this is a waste of perfectly good money. And trees.

Kathleen — Let me get this straight: The client called the ad agency and said, "Hey guys — I want to spent $10 million to mail twenty million direct mail packages that will get attention!"

How do you figure the ROI on that?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to consider the possiblity that the client asked the agency to sell a butt-load of credit cards?

Keep the comments coming everyone — this is getting interesting!

– Clayton
Comment by Jimbo — July 7, 2008 @ 4:03 pm
Clayton- Look at the legnth of some of these posts- proof that copywriters LOVE writing copy. For this offer- in a familiar market… I think it is more important WHAT is said (facts of the offer) rather than how this credit card is going to benefit my life. We’re all familiar with credit cards… we just want the facts. What you say is way more important than how you say it. I believe true creativity is taking known rules and tactics and smashing them to pieces- creating new rules spawning a slew of copycats for years to come.
Comment by Lynn Jordan — July 7, 2008 @ 4:40 pm
Hey y’all. I have to play devil’s advocate here. At first I thought that Clayton
had edited to add the blahblahs to protect the guilty. Since he didn’t, this may
be genius born of frustration and a fast approaching deadline.

It’s hard to have a piece of DM go viral. However, based on the number of
comments here and the number of people who visited the site, it may have
achieved just that. Did anyone sign up for the card?

Clayton, confess. Did the ad firm or the card company hire you to breathe
into this crazy campaign? I wonder if other sites on the net are talking about/displaying this ad.
Comment by Scott — July 7, 2008 @ 5:13 pm
Looks like John Mauldin changed his website around.

It seems every CC offer is lame and the same. This one just cut to the chase a bit. Get rid of the blah blah crap and turn the features into solid benefit-emotion bullet points (using issue #2 of the EZ Writer for guidance)

I’d like to see the various Rewards program differentiated somehow. That’s a compelling reason to go with an offer as fiscally diligent folk usually pay theirs off every month to avoid the interest charges.

Get More Cash Back, More Often, Than A Fiscal Stimulus Package
Comment by Martin Luxton — July 7, 2008 @ 5:18 pm
Clayton

Can’t you see the genius here?

This person has liberated his/her fellow copywriters from the tyranny of deadlines and demanding clients.

You said it yourself

"Copywriters HATE writing copy. We love cashing royalty checks, but we hate slaving away over a hot keyboard for a month or more to create something that will actually work."

With Blah Blah copy rewriting is a piece of cake.

Sales letter not converting? Delete one blah. Still not working? Delete another blah (keep deleting until conversions increase or the sales page is blank, whichever comes first).

Client wants a longer sales letter? Copy and paste a few blahs. Still too short? Copy and paste a few more blahs.

Client wants more variety? Add an "etc" here and there.

N.B. When deleting blahs please be very careful not to destroy the rhythm of the sentences. There is a big difference between
"blah blah blahblah blah" and
"blah blahblahblah blah"

If I try this blah blah technique out on one of my websites do you think Google will penalize me for duplicate content?

Martin

P.S. Maybe I’d better try it first on a site that has no traffic just in case.
Comment by kyled — July 7, 2008 @ 5:25 pm
I liked it!No really - I liked it. All the flowery language you people are trying to come up with as an alternative is just a bunch of "blah, blah, blah", anyway. We know all the hype that copywriters add to marketing pieces. Truth be told, I’m bored by all of them anymore. Finally, someone says what we, as consumers, think. It’s just a bunch of "blah", and the only parts that matter are the parts they explicitly stated - that is, the beneficial features.We’re a lightning quick culture. All the extra attempts at poignancy? Yeah, we’ve heard it all before, geniuses. My guess is that most of the negative comments are coming from people who are in a generation that actually listens to everything that is coming at them. They wrote during a time when everyone wasn’t already used to their… blah, blah, blah. When people couldn’t sniff it from a mile away. SO sorry, but those days are over. Succinct. Cogent. "Gets It". Doesn’t take oneself seriously. These are the new rules.A few years ago, MTV did the same thing to advertise their network. Instead of, "MTV - Music Television", it said, "M T blah. Blah, Blah, tele- Blah". It was a huge hit. I was in the generation who watched that. That same generation of viewer was probably the copywriter for this. For those of us sick to death of over-hyped bull, this is considered refreshing. For the rest of you, you probably are also put-out by e-mails that have improper punctuation and by text messages that abbreviate entire phrases and sentences, aren’t you? Remember when Nike launched, "Just Do It"? Remember how it was criticized by old-school ad guys? "Just do what?", they wondered. "Why wouldn’t they suggest which sneaker to purchase? They’re leaving it open-ended for the consumer - HERESY!" You’re looking at an example of the next generation of that sort of progression, (or, if you like, digression). Scratch your heads all you want, but the next generation gets this ad, likes it, and responds to it. I just got a new credit card!
Comment by Dolores — July 7, 2008 @ 5:28 pm
Dear Clayton,

I have to agree with most of the folks, I thought you replaced the blahs on the envelope so we didn’t know who it was from. When I scrolled down I realized you were not joking.

I did some copywriting before my car accident and have struggled since then for words to come. This gives me great hope I can re-learn to write copy again.

Thanks for all the advice you give…

Sincerely,
Dolores
Comment by kyled — July 7, 2008 @ 5:34 pm
One more thing - Thanks to one of the posts that included the website, I just visited The Blah Site. I’m telling you, this is my kind of offer. All the "blahs" fell away, leaving only the features. (I promise you, as a consumer of credit cards, I understand the "benefits" I’ll get without anyone having to spell them out for me. Save those for products/services that aren’t as obvious.)Anyway, I just had to reiterate my strong sense that this was a well-done concept that could have improved somewhat with different colors, etc, as some others have said, but who hit the mark for it’s "big idea". Bravo.
Comment by Paul McIntosh — July 7, 2008 @ 6:05 pm
Ok, here goes.
Thanks for the opportunity and the great visual. All I can see is thousands of trash cans ablaze. Oh, that and the ghost of Gary Halbert hovering around.

Something in this piece says that there is a chance that there was actually some ROI. Without knowing how this piece faired, there can only be opinion. Granted that’s from some pretty impressive individuals.

Fact of the matter is it got everyones attention.Come on admit it folks. It’s a train wreck and you all would have opened it if it had turned up in your box. If for no other reasons than shock and disbelief.

Oh sure chances are it may have ended up lighting the weekend bar-b-q, but you would have held in your hands, shaking your head in disbelief and read the whole thing.

Yep. It’s juvenile, college kegger mentality. Presumptuous and arrogant and in some ways as insulting as a slap in the face on prom night.

The thing is if directed to the right audience, think MTV crowd, the chances of a good ROI are actually pretty fair.

Could I write a better one?
Yes.
Will I do it now in 60 seconds or less without any facts figures or research to go on ?
No.

Thanks for the look see into what’s out there Clayton. I have a new found confidence that only this kind of experience can bring.

Paul McIntosh

P.S. Ok, I’d start off with this. The envelope. Change to white, no window. Script font, 10-11 px, blue ink. Real stamp in right top corner.
Comment by Paul Black — July 7, 2008 @ 6:46 pm
It’s worth remembering that sometimes a letter gets opened because the headline ANGERS the receiver. I’ve opened letters that have headlines that insult me (example; "So if you’re so smart, WHY AREN’T YOU RICH?"). But, unless the offer letter inside is really good, well-crafted, and hits the right buttons, it’s a "no-sale". If they’d put a real letter in the envelope, it might have gotten some sign-ups. Otherwise, the "unique headline" concept falls flatter’n a flitter.

Paul
Comment by Andrew Cavanagh — July 7, 2008 @ 6:47 pm
Let’s see…

Blah blah blah blah critique. Blah blah.

Blah blah specific words blah blah blah blah BLah.

Blah blah blah blah real benefits blah blah blah.

Emotion blah blah blah.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Trash the technical jargon blah blah blah.

Blah blah blah blah write in plain ordinary English.

Kindest regards blah blah
Andrew Cavanagh

P.S. I think Clayton should be beat up for forcing us to read this promo. One person having to suffer through it should be enough.

Blah blah
Comment by Steve — July 7, 2008 @ 7:00 pm
This direct mail package would be right at home in a museum of modern art, hanging next to a Jackson Pollock.
Comment by Philip — July 7, 2008 @ 7:11 pm
They also have a website… >_> http://www.theblahblahsite.com
Comment by Ed Borasky — July 7, 2008 @ 7:28 pm
Clayton, I’m not saying thatdirect mail or copywriting in general doesn’t work. I’m simply saying that with all the risk of identity thefts and the consciousness about debt problems, credit card offers are destined for the shredder. You can actually pay someone to take you off of those mailing lists!
Comment by B Fish — July 7, 2008 @ 7:37 pm
Dear Sir,

My name is General Blahdman Ngombo, formerly of the Royal Nigerian Armed Forces and Board of Governors of the Nigerian Petroleum Corporation.

You recently received a letter from a financial firm acquired by my nephew, Allblah Nocattle, regarding a credit card offer. On behalf of my nephew, I apologize for the bizarre nature of the letter. He spent the better part of his adulthood in and out of he houses of ill-repute in Lagos, and was never very good about taking precautions against sexually transmitted diseases. He acquired most of them, as well, and was unable to seek medical treatment because of his wide reputation for not paying medical doctors in the city. In fact he has caused no end of heartache to the once-proud Ngombo family.

Because of his recent aberrations, I have been forced to resign my official positions in teh governement and industry. Luckily, as a precaution against this day, I have been putting aside some funds. I am not proud of removing these funds from the company coffers, but I had no choice. I knew that one day, Allblah would be the ruin of us all.

Since you have received one of his demented letters, I thought it safe to tell you the rest of the story. We have over 120 million Us dollars that need to be removed from the country. I am no longer able to do it myself, as Allblah’s actions have cast suspicion upon us all. I need an unknown 3rd party outside the country to help me. You, sir, can help me, by accepting a transfer of all 120 million to your personal bank account. Afterwards, I will reclaim 80% of the funds, and allow you to keep 20%, $24 million US cash dollars, for your troubles.

You will also receive an Advanta credit card with unlimited travel rewards and a 9.9% variable APR (at no extra charge).

For all this, kindly forward your bank information, along with a small good-faith deposit of $1200, to this email address.

I hope these millions are enough to compensate you for Allblah’s syphlitic rages.

Kind Regards,

General Blahdman Ngombo
Comment by Lynn Jordan — July 7, 2008 @ 8:42 pm
B Fish,

That is brilliant!!!!!
Comment by Philip — July 7, 2008 @ 8:43 pm
Someone want to delete the comment spam above?

Its clearly a variation of the Nigerian scam. And forward his ip + email address to the FBI
Comment by cafedave — July 7, 2008 @ 9:29 pm
Full marks to the "All-blah No-Cattle"; very clever, though I don’t think anyone would pay to send a hard-copy direct mail Nigerian-scam letter out… perhaps that would be a good starting point for the find-and-replace "blah" copy that they used.When I first saw the letter, I thought "he’s changed the copy out to avoid naming names", and then I thought "that’s actually quite a clever idea".Having read everyone’s comments, though, I realised that the whole point of the copy is to get someone to make the purchase decision, and that the "blah blah" text would never get me to do that.It made me sufficiently curious, though, to check out the website, but the website, as another commenter has pointed out, was also a wasted opportunity: no real scope for engaging, or learning more about the product!So thanks for this example of why good copy would make a difference. While it’s hard for me to conceive of copy that would make me go from a dull, brown-paper envelope to signing up for a credit card, at least I now understand why this "blah blah" text wouldn’t work at all.
Comment by Larry Owen — July 7, 2008 @ 9:33 pm
Whoa! Some of you people are downright scary.
Comment by Jeremy Reeves — July 7, 2008 @ 9:34 pm
Before I write my piece..I’d like to mention that although you hated it - it definitely caught my attention.

Having said that - I still think it’s bad simply because even though it gives you some general facts…when you’re signing up for a credit card you need every piece of information possible. I’m very leary of credit cards and wouldn’t purchase 1 unless I knew absolutely everything. Although it’s on the back…for me it’s simply too much work. I want it wham-bam in my face and let me make a decision.

Now…here is my piece (completely unedited - I’m just going to type this and send)

Keep in mind I know almost nothing about credit cards (I’m 22) and have done absolutely no research.

——————————————————————–

Dear Clayton Makepeace,

Having your own business is tough.

Nagging customers, frustrating employees, and bottom-line profits that just aren’t good enough are just a few of the problems you likely face.

That’s why I’m here to take a little weight off your shoulders.

Here at Advanta- we try to keep things simple for you. We understand the pains of having your own business and sympathize with you.

Because for every ounce of stress we can take off your shoulders - it’s that much less you’ll have to worry about and that much more you can start doing things you want to do.

Such as spending a little more time with your family, increasing your business profits, or maybe even taking a mini vacation.

And because we want to see you enjoy all these benefits, we’ve devised a special offer for you.

By signing up for our special "business-owner only" credit card, you’ll receive the following:

Unlimited cash, travel and merchandise rewards - For each dollar you spend on your incredible business, you’ll receive 1 point which can be used for dozens of offers you’re sure to enjoy.
No-Fee Employee Cards - No more paying unnecessary fees just so you’re employees can share your business card. We want to help you grow your business, not take money from it.
0% APR Balance Transfers For 9 Months - Balance transfers are a necessary part of business to keep your books up-to-date. And all those little transfers can eventually add up…that’s why we got rid of them for you for a full 9 months.
9.99% Variable APR for 9 Months - Enjoy this unbelievably low APR for almost an entire year and get caught up on the things you needed to buy but couldn’t afford.Listen, we know exactly how it feels to own a business and that’s why you’re getting this incredible offer. Don’t trust the companies who only want to steal your money - trust the ones who want to work with you and help you save money instead.

To increased bottom lines and less stress,

John F. Moore
Advanta

P.S. Remember - every penny saved is a penny earned. We’re here to help you save a lot of pennies…so do us a favor and fill out the enclosed form.

—————————————————————–

I just wrote that quick, but let me know what you think!
Comment by Emette E. Massey — July 7, 2008 @ 9:35 pm
Clayton, those Monday Blahs. You gotta love ‘em!

And it couldn’t have landed at a better time cuz it’s been one of those Monday’s — so this should be fun! Hum, let’s see here. . . This direct mail package does not come even close to answering the important question every prospect in the entire world wants to know: “Given all the gazillion choices I have, why should I choose YOUR card over all the others?” Even if this mailing piece ever so slightly got your attention and you opened the envelope out of pure curiosity it becomes landfill fodder quickly because: There’s no reward, promise, benefit or any thing else that keeps the prospect reading beyond the outer envelope. Heck, there’s not even a headline in the letter.The letter is boring, does nothing to keep your interest piqued. There’s no offer. No proof or reasons why you should request this card.Does nothing to remove the risk from the prospect. What happens if you request this card and decide it’s not for you? Doesn’t ask for the order. There is absolutely no incentive for applying now. Contains no real urgency and confusing—(yes it does state “Please sign and mail this R.S.V.P Certificate within 7 days." And at the botton of the response device it says “Please sign and mail this R.S.V.P Certificate as soon as possible.” What’s this?? What will I don’t send this in by this time? There’s no penalty stated if I don’t? Applying is confusing and difficult. What the heck is the “no-fee employee cards” No where does this letter attempt to explain this. What advantages or benefits of this. Why should I even consider this? Oh, heck let’s just slap this on the page and see what happens—maybe the prospect will figure it out or call us. Anyhow, we got boatloads of money to burn! This credit card company seems to have forgotten that prospects will not spend more than a nanosecond trying to figure out what the advantages (if any) are. If you confuse or bore your reader then it’s trashed instantly. Boy . . . that WAS fun! Warmly, Emette
Comment by Jon Weston — July 7, 2008 @ 10:13 pm
Jimbo & Kyled, I’m totally with you - just because this isn’t a traditional piece of copy doesn’t mean it won’t work for certain people.

Like you and others have said, "EXCUSE ME - but WE KNOW what credit cards do for us. We do not need to be sold on the benefits any more."

This is not a new product that people are unsure of, need more information on, or need to be shown "proof" about. Sure, I would have cut some legalese out, maybe expanded VERY BRIEFLY, in the body copy, about what exactly the rewards are…

But I am NOT insulted. I’m happy I don’t have to waste my time reading a 5 page sales letter telling me why this credit card will make my life better. I KNOW.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF THIS CREDIT CARD IS THE BEST OUT THERE FOR ME.

Or,

Does this credit card ACTUALLY do something different for a change?? Has the company grown a pair and started offering something amazing that will get people’s attention and business?

If this was a letter selling me… say… some weird financial instrument designed to hedge my company’s foreign credit risk (or whatever - what did I even say just then??), then I’ll want to read about that. Its complex, not many people sit around over dinner talking about hedging foreign credit risk.

What I DON’T want is to read through an entire long winded page of sales copy to find out that your credit card offers average rates of interest, average repayment terms, average rewards, etc, etc. So in that respect, I like this copy - if I’m in the market for a business credit card, then I can tell in five seconds flat if their terms are good for me.

If this card isn’t doing ONE thing (at least) better than any other card out there for its intended market, the real travesty is that it was conceived of in the first place, or not changed to aggressively meet any competitor’s offerings.
Comment by kyled — July 7, 2008 @ 10:44 pm
Jeremy - While I really like your copy, the point I made earlier still holds true - you’re telling me what I already know about credit cards. Long copy about something I’m already familiar with is kind of like when you get someone’s voice mail and there’s a long-winded explanation of how to leave a message. I get it! Leave a message after the tone! (Funny, the longest explanations for how to leave a voice mail message ALWAYS come from friends of mine who are copywriters or ad guys.) I get it! It’s a credit card that offers no distinctive features over and above every other average card! No amount of benefit-painting really changes that for me.I’m respectful, but surprised at how many folks here are wishing that there was a greater explanation of the benefits. You really need someone to do that for you? It’s not "how to use a short sale to avoid foreclosure", or "how to never lose money selling commodities". It’s Master Card. Swipe it, pay it when the bill comes, that’s it.JON - Thanks for the agreement on this. I echo what you said in the last paragraph, as well. If this is a "me too" product, cut the flower-filled copy and just get to it; I’ll come nearer using your product out of appreciation for your not wasting my time. If you’re doing something better than anyone out there, (other than respecting my time more), THEN feel free to flower it up and hit me with the benefits and variable-sized fonts!
Comment by Wavy — July 7, 2008 @ 10:50 pm
So I smoked a peace pipe, and the offer made sense to me. I was happy not to hafta read all that other crap, man. But if they were really serious… and honest… they’d a put all them blahs in the fine print too.
Comment by kyled — July 7, 2008 @ 10:58 pm
Just remember, from the perspective of the CUSTOMER, (not the copywriter), all descriptions of the benefits you’ll enjoy from a product that everyone already understands and probably uses more than actual cash is…blah. (Specifically, BullBlah.) As a consumer, I appreciate their recognizing that.
Comment by Valerian — July 8, 2008 @ 12:45 am
Dear Mr. Clayton

I actually thought that as an attention getter, the Blah Blah concept wasn’t so bad, however the treatment does leave something to be desired.
this is what I’d do:
————————————————
Dear mr. Clayton
blah blah……..
blah blah…
blah blah……..
blah blah…
blah blah……..
blah blah…
(having hopefully got the reader’s attention, i’d then jump into the actual letter, keeping it brief.)

I know what your thinking Clayton (reader’s name)
Looks like DRIVEL right? We couldn’t agree more.That’s because most companies don’t see it through their customers’ eyes. we’ve been guilty of that too.

But we thought we’d take a gander at it through a new lens and guess what? It does seem like, well Blah.So here’s the low down just the way we think you’d like it. Succinct. Advanta offers you the opportunity to customize your cardAnd earn: Cash rewards….
(and so on)
———————————————————————
do you think it would work?
Comment by Grahame — July 8, 2008 @ 3:33 am
Scene: An ad agency located on Madison Avenue. A copywriter and art director are discussing the contents of a brief for a credit card offering from Adventa, a major client:

CW: I guess we’d better get started on this Adventa thing. I’ve been putting it off ‘cos it looks like a really boring job. It’s direct mail, not the kind of stuff we can win awards with. Any suggestions.

AD: Nah. Any ideas for lunch?

CW: Let’s crack this first. Lunch is only in 30 minutes.

AD: Who’s it for.

CW: [Looking at job bag] Mmmm. I think it’s small businesses. You know, the trouble with this stuff is that it’s all the same. Surely there’s something we can say that’s different. I mean, if we could win an award with a product this dull it’ll add a few dollars to our paychecks when we move agencies.

AD: Cool, but, as you so rightly say, all this credit card stuff is just the same old blah blah blah.

CW: What?

AD: I said this credit card stuff is just the same old blah blah blah.

CW: That’s absolutely brilliant! I think we’ve cracked it. Now, about lunch Mr. Genius…

CW and AD exit door left
Comment by Karen — July 8, 2008 @ 7:32 am
Has anyone gotten a piece of mail from a credit card company that caused them to actually open it? I probably get a dozen each week that never get opened and always get shredded because I know there will be nothing new about their offer.

Had I gotten Clayton’s "blah" credit card offer, I might have opened it just cause I’ve been reading TTP for 2 years now. But my first thought about that kind of offer was that customer service not only moved off-shore, they even shut down that office - cause now I’m just blah and all I will get is more and worse blah treatment.and probably endless disconnects before I might possibly find help with someone in their blah customer service. Heck I can get that from Chrysler’s customer service - Does anyone speak English and is not named "Bob" when you call an American Company’s customer service line- will Adventa - when you call it - be answered by someone with an accent barely understandable named "Blah" ….

And I believe that probably the only people that go to the website are people who were curious after reading Clayton’s article or other Madison Ave. Advertising Firms who are envious cause now they got themselves competition for some phony artistic award.

Hey, I just paint, but surely one of you exceptional copywriter’s out there could write a package for a credit card company that would actually get opened by the average consumer (not to confuse Bob Bly’s excellent guest article last week about self-marketing - I learned a lot from that one)
- IT SHOULD be a challenge the credit card companys SHOULD be pondering right now — that they SHOULD suggest to independent copywriters. Fire Madison Ave. and hire someone that can write as well as actually get John or Mary Q. to open and perhaps even read their junk mail before it lines the bird cage under the newspaper.
Comment by Bill — July 8, 2008 @ 9:44 am
Dear Clayton,

Judging from the looks of the envelope, you in fact began ripping this piece of fertilizer to shreds before you decided to let us do it with you.

Since this thing was sent out to businesses, I can’t figure how any business owner would do anything with it other than seeing if he or she could make a three-point shot!

Look, I’m just starting out in the copywriting business. But I think if I "wrote" something like this bowser, I’d be done in the business the same week.

You know, one of the first exercises Paul Hollingshead told us to practice in AWAI’s Accelerated Copywriting Course was to take a few great sales letters and write them out word for word… The old "rote learning" exercise.   It was time-consuming, sometimes frustrating, sometimes boring. But I always learned something about the structure of copy and the elegance of words. I still do this exercise every so often.

So, I think instead of firing the guy who signed this "Best of Show" dog - as you suggest, he and everyone else who had anything to do with it should have to sit down with pencil and paper and get to work. About 30 or 40 times ought to accomplish at least two things:
                         1. They’ll all realize there’s absolutely nothing to be
                               learned about copy here, and…

                          2. It’ll make them all swear off taking any more
                                stupid pills!

Bill.
Comment by Clayton Makepeace — July 8, 2008 @ 10:21 am
We seem to be divided into two distinct camps here:

1. People who write direct response copy for a living … who live and die by the hard numbers — the return on investment they produce, and …

2. People who obviously do NOT … and who believe that “a fresh approach” is brilliant whether it has a snowball’s chance in hell of working or not.

I can only do so much here … those of you who are willing to listen and learn stand to profit handsomely.

Those who value “creativity” over results will have to fend for yourselves.

I’m just going to sit back in wonder for now and watch the controversy brew …
Comment by kyled — July 8, 2008 @ 11:30 am
Clayton - Respectfully, I think there is an implication that those of us who are in the "I loved it" camp don’t use words to make our living. I’m in that camp, and I write and voice ads. Prior to doing so, though, I have to sell companies on the idea that I should actually be the one to do that. So, I’m in sales and copy. YOU’RE RIGHT, though: I don’t do print copy for a living. I’ll admit that that may put me at a disadvantage in understanding why this doesn’t work. But, I’m still a consumer of things that are marketed in print. As both a radio/TV ad and sales guy AND a consumer, I liked it. (But I’m CLEARLY in the minority.) I’m just sensing a shift in consumer tastes these days; A shift towards authenticity, cogency, and brevity. Perhaps that doesn’t apply to print. Either way, I’m anxious to learn what the better approach would have been. What would have been better than to create such a buzz that nearly a hundred of us have spent time reading and commenting on this "trash"? (A hundred people are now intimate with this company’s marketing piece, have told their friends about it, have visited their website, etc, and at least one has actually taken advantage of their offer! In the spirit of "there’s no such thing as bad publicity", what’s wrong with this again?)
Comment by jay — July 8, 2008 @ 11:39 am
Someone may have gotten paid for that copy but I would have a hard time believing it worked…..then again….someone got wildly rich by creating the concept of a pet rock. Seems logic has little to do with results at times.
Comment by Clayton Makepeace — July 8, 2008 @ 12:33 pm
Hey, Kyle — now, please don’t get mad — but let me "fun" with you some just to make a point.

Why don’t we try a little experiment?

Next time you’re face to face with a prospective client, trying to sell an ad, just look him in the eye, look bored and say, "Blah, blah, blah…"

Don’t give him any real benefits for hiring you, just punctuate your "blah-blah" speech occasionally with a vague reference to the features of your product. "Blah, blah, blah, your ad is this big or this long. Blah, blah, it’s recorded at optimal VU. Blah, you get a copy on disc and an MP3."

Oh — and if the point of the exercise is just to get attention — NOT to make a sale, why not also paint your body orange and make your presentation buck naked? Heck — let’s go all the way. Let’s break out the Groucho glasses, the bright red shock wig and huge clown shoes too!

Now, we’re REALLY original. And creative. And you’re going to get attention out the wazzoo. In fact, I’ll bet your prospect even talks about you around the water cooler tomorrow, so I guess you could say your presentation might even go "viral."

Have you ever tried this? No? Why?

Because you know that the chances of making the sale would be approximately one in … well, one in infinity — right?

Because when time or money is on the line, you know that we don’t buy "clever." We buy benefits — reasons why we should buy this product, today, above all others — right?

Think: When you sell your services to a prospective client, do you do it with pantomime? Or do you use words?

And don’t you use those words to explain in great detail what he will get … the benefits of working with you? And don’t you use more words to ask for the sale and explain why he’s be crazy not to buy from you right now, today?

Direct response marketing is really nothing more than salesmanship in print. Except it costs us real money to reach out to prospects. And instead of delivering our proposition to one prospect at a time, we can deliver it to millions.

Look: Advertising — even internet advertising costs money. This direct mail piece probably cost between $400 and $500 for every 1,000 pieces mailed.

That’s between $400,000 and a half-million dollars to mail one million pieces; and between $8 million and $10 million to mail 20 million of them.

The CEO of the credit card company insists on maximum return on investment in every other part of his business. So why not on his direct mail?

Simple: Because he is getting an acceptable return no matter how badly this thing blew. The interest and fees even a handful of credit cards spin off will still return his millions to him — eventually.

My point is that a well-crafted message that fully dimensionalizes the reasons why the prospect should accept this card above all others would allow the client to recover his investment and begin banking profits much, much sooner.

Oh–and the pet rock thing? That was just a novelty product — not a promotion. And if you’ll read the promotion for it, it presented all the benefits of owning one: You could feed and water it, housebreak it, take it for a walk. The were selling fun — and the promotion made that clear.

It did NOT merely recite features: "Blah, blah, blah, pet rock. Blah, blah, blah made out of stone. Blah, blah, comes in a box."

Hope this helps …

– Clayton
Comment by Leon — July 8, 2008 @ 12:41 pm
Lazer focused on a narrowly defined prospect who is not insulted by not providing any information other than the basic terms of the product and who is assumed not to care.

Totally misses a connection with prospects who want to be treated as informed adults.
Comment by kyled — July 8, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
Excellent points, Clayton! No disagreement, and also no offense taken at all! I liked the way you had some fun pointing out why you are disagreeing with me. (It got my attention! Ha!) And I admit to being completely ignorant of the dynamics of direct sales copy, and this is probably (as you pointed out earlier) the crux of my questions and the reason I’ve signed up to learn through your course. And while I have, in fact, seen many face-to-face stunts pulled in order to get the attention of the prospect, you’re quite right in suggesting that I wouldn’t actually use the words, "Blah, Blah, Blah" in the presentation. I guess what I appreciate is someone understanding that if they’re gonna say the same thing everyone else says, complete with the same benefits everyone else has, and recognizing that they could have tried wowing me with puffery, they might as well cut to the chase instead. It’s clear that while it worked on me, I’m in the minority, and that the minority is not who you’re going for when big dollars are at stake. I think I understand why you’re disagreeing. I will admit to routinely "cutting to the benefits" in face-to-face meetings, and I will routinely try to bypass the exalted verbiage in voice copy. But if doing so is ineffective in print, I’d rather be personally unimpressed with it’s style, and rather go for what actually works. I appreciate your allowing me to offer a dissenting position - a position that, perhaps, works better for other media, (the ones I’ve enjoyed success in), rather than the one we’re discussing.
Comment by Pat — July 8, 2008 @ 1:50 pm
Get Credit For Your Small Business - Today!

Dear Clayton Makepeace,

Can you feel the pinch?

Small businesses like yours account for over half of all jobs in America, yet today’s economy seems determined to cut off the hand that feeds it.

Soaring prices caused by runaway inflation are not only creating unprecedented operating costs, but also weakening your opportunities for fair, affordable credit.

But before these challenges kill your optimism and slow your progress, Advanta has a special offer to keep your business moving ahead at full speed…

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With this special offer, it’s easier than ever to enjoy the impressive list of benefits Advanta brings to your business:

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No-Free Employee Cards - Why pay extra? Advanta gives you and your employees the flexibility to get what your business needs, when it needs it, without jumping through hoops.

0% APR on Balance Transfers - Advanta strives to eliminate unnecessary interest.

9.99% Variable APR - This great low APR is below the national average according to bankrate.com

Online Expense Management - View up-to-date transactions and employee spending on a secure webpage. Create customized reports that track spending by category and receive automatic e-mail updates. Payments can be made online to avoid late fees.

To apply, simply fill out the enclosed R.S.V.P. Certificate and mail it to Advanta within 7 days. You can speed up the process by calling us at 1-800-508-1043 or applying online at http://www.advanta.com Please keep your business moving forward by taking advantage of this special offer.

Sincerely,

John F. Moore
Advanta

P.S. - Advanta commits 100% of its resources to providing solutions that help small businesses succeed. Let us put our expertise to work for you today. Call now!
Comment by John C. Babin — July 8, 2008 @ 2:12 pm
New Credit Card Offer Predicted
To Turn The Credit Industy Upside Down!
An Amazing (Never Attemptem Before) Offer That Will Last Only 30 Days.

Dear Clayton Makepeace

I’m writing to you to let you in on what may go down as the most outrageous credit card offer ever presented to a chosen customer list. We are desperate for new customers. Consumer sketicism is at an all time high.
We are determined to win back your trust…
Consider the following:Certain banks and credit card companies are making obscene amounts of money on unsuspecting consumers.
The credit card companies are some of the most profitable companies in the world. We’ve been trying like hell to keep that under the counter.
The American Credit Industry is a $30 billion dollar industry. It is time for a radical new approach. An approach centered around you-not us.We have put away our greedy ideas and decided that the customer is # 1. We now realize that it is in everyone’s best interest to carefully examine the many problems facing this industry. A decision was made by the company CEO. We have been ordered to get off our duff and help our fellow consumer. Their has been much chatter around the office. I can only sum it up in one word–REVOLUTION.Join us as we bring a revolution to the credit card industry.You get to be among the first chosen to take this very amazing opportunity and run with it. Would you be willing to receive free credit training? How would you like to …Learn the difference between good credit and bad credit. We have the cure for bad credit and want to give it to you.You need the knowledge to know what to do. Heck, we will hand you knowledge and show you how to make credit companies become as a slave to you.
An easy strategy to use credit that puts an additional stream of income into your pocket. Use this method over time and you can build yourself some real wealth.

Right about now, I’m betting you are sketical. No problem.

By boss has really been motivated lately. Everyone around her can feel the excitement.
The boss went as far as hiring an industry expert to write a free educational report for you. I want to give it you for nothing. Not one red cent comes out of your pocket. Once you read it, I’m betting the farm you will be pleasantly suprised.
Just visit is online at http://www.upsidedowncredit.com. First, Download the free report.
At the end of the report, we present you with an offer that might cause us to lose our shirt. And hurry up because it will end in 30 days. We just can’t afford to do this all year long.
Remember that the report is written by a guy on your side. He calls it The Upside Down Credit Card Report! Yours free for the taking.

Sincerely,
John F. Moore
P.S. The free report is already causing quit a stir online. People are saying that "this is a very generous offer." I totally agree. No doubt that the news media will be calling soon.
O.K. Blah Blah Blah.
Comment by Chuck — July 8, 2008 @ 2:27 pm
Clayton, may I humbly suggest that once you’ve chosen the winning replacement piece from among the comments, you then contact Advanta and challenge them to run an A/B test pitting your blog’s winner against the BlahBlah piece?

Now that would be interesting!

Chuck
Comment by Clayton Makepeace — July 8, 2008 @ 2:28 pm
You go, Kyle!

I love an open mind … there’s a lot on this site that will really help you. Be sure to check out my articles in our archives for a solid grounding in direct response — and more than a few ideas that’ll probably help your advertisements and face-to-face presentations as well.

And the course? It’s superb. Tony did an unbelievable job.

Keep readin’ and thinkin’, buddy!

– Clayton
Comment by Eugenie — July 8, 2008 @ 2:38 pm
Looking at it from the UK, where there is a good bit more of this kind of experimental DM advertising than I suspect there is your side of the Atlantic, I have to say that I’d want to see the numbers before completely blowing it out of the water. I personally find it annoying and insulting (I’m another writer) but I can think of several friends and acquaintances who might well be grabbed by such an approach and possibly follow up just to see what came next.

Quite why Advanta went B2B with it first is a puzzle, though, as it’s clearly going to irritate most business people, and it definitely doesn’t help that the website is a complete functional dog’s breakfast!
Comment by Derek — July 8, 2008 @ 3:17 pm
Wow, what a discussion.

I would be interested to see the numbers on this.

The sad truth is that this will probably beat their control - not that their control was any good to begin with. Even dead fish can swim downstream, right?

My gut tells me this:

1. If they’re not willing to create a USP or differentiate through innovation of their product, this is not a a bad effort to try to zag when everybody is zigging.
2. Since most CC offers all look, smell and feel the same, this might get the OE opened by curious minds.
3. Who doesn’t know the benefits of the BASIC CC offering. As I thought in point #1, this agency might have been left with the same boring product and nothing good to say so they were forced to try to win by being cute and creative. It’s a gamble for sure, they might get a bad name, but my gut tells me they’ll win a few major accounts with this creativity and buzz they’ve created in a very boring and complacent industry.
4. Everytime I look Gary Halbert’s "Coat of Arms" letter, one of the most successful letters of all time from what I hear, I think it breaks a good chunk of the rules too. Not even a headline on that one. No response devices from what I saw.
5. I know I’m a weird dude, my wife tells me all the time, but this actually resonates with my dominant resident emotions. I feel like all those letters are pure crap and that - unless they have something good to say that is innovative - to get to the damn point with what I care about.

Anyway, I’m up in the air on this one. Might work, probably will fail, but I’m sure the creator of it will have deeper pockets because of it.

My two cents…

Derek Naylor
Comment by Juan Peguero — July 8, 2008 @ 3:22 pm
After reading the sell pitch letters by John and Pat I can see why AdVANTA paid for the blah blah blah sell letter.
They do deserve each other.

Juan
Comment by Bruce McKelvy — July 8, 2008 @ 4:53 pm
No Blah? Somebody actually sent this out? The one piece is the color of bull fertilizer also.
I’m not a copywriter (dental specialist) but enjoy Clayton’s columns.
I get a lot of direct mail which promptly goes into the round file-much of it aimed at my profession-most of it not worth a glance. Only very occasionally does something catch my eye-this piece would definitely not!
I have direct mail pieces I’ve designed which would probably wind up on the door of a fridge as a constant reminder because they are different and artistic and sometimes humorous with a message.
Would love to get some advice sometime…
Enjoy the work and comments from all..
Bruce
Comment by Justin Case — July 8, 2008 @ 5:04 pm
When I read your comments regarding a credit card offer, I thought you might have been a bit 0ff-kilter. But when I opened the file and noticed it was from Advanta ( one of the worst, if not THE WORST credit card on the planet ) I didn’t even have to read anything to know that there letter would … well … SUCK!!! Horrible company … Horrible people … so what else would you expect … Yep, Horrible Copy!!!
Comment by Croz — July 8, 2008 @ 5:21 pm
Hi Clayton.

It would be interesting to see if someone could actually get details as to what the results were from this campaign. It may not comply and it may not fit in the box, but I think that whether it is good or not should be judged on results.

How many campaigns have you seen that you thought were good, that did not work.

Just a thought blah blah blah blah!!!!!

Abundance to All

Croz
Comment by Dale — July 8, 2008 @ 5:22 pm
Clayton:

Are you sure a copywriter got paid big bucks to write this crap? Earth’s jungles are full of monkeys who can write like this for free. Even my son’s cats walking across my keyboard can do better.

There is one good use for it besides lining birdcages and filling landfills. Us underconfident copywriters can tack it on the wall to remind us the worst thing we write will be a trillion times better than this.

Thanks for the confidence boost.
Dale
Comment by Momo — July 8, 2008 @ 5:46 pm
I’m guessing this might do all right, after all, we are all talking about it. I personally wouldn’t read every word of a credit card offer, unless I really needed a credit card. Most people do not wait for a "offer" when they need a card, they research and apply. This offer shows the main points on why I might switch or get a additional card. And it makes fun of all the other direct mail that people hate.
Comment by Jimbo — July 8, 2008 @ 6:32 pm
Clayton…

I do earn my living writing copy- not for clients- for myself. But as a fellow 997TT whacko… I didn’t get too upset by your post this morning.

As for the BLAH letter itself- would I mail it with my cash? Hell no! But I am a realist- and in order to prod response out of a tired market- you need to do something totally different sometimes.

I tests things against the grain all the time when I’m fishing in ponds that are used to the typical "worms." That’s why magalogs pulled so well when they first came out. It was a new "worm".

I stand by the fact that what you say is more important than how you say it. For example… BLAH, BLAH, this card has an unlimited limit, BLAH, BLAH… and the CEO of Advanta pays your bill every month, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Clayton- I’d bet that would be a sales letter you’d respond to. I sure would. And so would every other person who posted how this letter made them feel insulted… made them cry… made them want to commit suicide. C’mon people.
Comment by Peter Townshend — July 8, 2008 @ 6:32 pm
Dear Mr. Makepeace,

I have to apologize for the poorly designed letter we sent to you recently.

We are, however, delighted that we have won a prestigious "Makepeace Total Package" award and are thrilled that you have introduced us to the thousands of business owners that you come in contact with on a daily basis.

We obviously missed the mark in trying to differentiate ourselves from the 1000’s of useless messages you receive on a daily basis. The last thing we wanted to do was insult your intelligence and waste your valuable time with stories of the common struggles of entrepreneurship or the disasters of the modern economy, or the promises of multiple streams of income. You already live this every day.

Being THE credit card solution for the modern business professional means the best solutions from people who really understand your business…

* 0% APR for 9 months on balance transfers
* 9.99% variable APR on purchases
* Unlimited rewards
* No annual fee
* … and 0% fraud liability

You can also track your staff’s spending by providing their own limited employee corporate cards and let your card be your letter of introduction during formal business events by customizing your card with your own logo.

At Advanta, we specialize in supporting your needs. Just imagine… 5% cash back on purchases of:
* gasoline
* office supplies
* utilities
* computer equipment
* cell phones
* Internet Services

Our goal is to take all of the fluff out of business credit services and give you the best product… so you can focus on what is really important, growing your business.

Apply online today at http://www.advanta.com and let us take care of the details.

Your partners in success,

Advanta

P.S. Thank you for being so kind and not tearing our piece to shreds. Our goal is to do what we do best… Give you the best financial solutions so you can do what you do best.
Comment by Marcelino Latorre — July 8, 2008 @ 7:25 pm
The efficiency of your card determines the safety of your business…

Dear Mr. Makepeace,

To be candid the Advanta card has been designed only to serve an exclusive few.
New business owners at the top of their game have been extended an invitation to apply for this powerful financial tool.As a token of our appreciation we are providing our new members with an incredible selection of extra privileges ensuring quality, reliability, and performance:

Advantas Gold Business Card brings you into a world of customer service unlike any other. 24 hour online support brings you face to face with a representative without the hassles of having to speak money matters with an automated system. Manage your business expenses with a smile.

Card lost or stolen? We will replace the card immediately.. usually by the end of the next business day.

No Fee Employee Cards offers flexibility without risks.

0% APR on balance transfers eliminates all interest fees for our members.

Cash Travel & Merchandise Rewards means your business earns points towards name brand merchandise from all around the world.

Unlike bank cards Advanta imposes no pre-set spending limit. You are free to use the card when and where you like. To cut through the chase the Advanta card is the most effective letter of introduction to the world of an explosive business owner. Yet unbelievably these benefits are yours to enjoy for the modest fee of $15 a year. All you have to do to apply for card-membership today is to fill out and mail in the enclosed application. As soon as it is approved, we’ll send you the card with no delay.

Sincerely,

-Marcelino Latorre

p.s. Join us today and enjoy all the benefits of being an Advanta cardholder. The benefits described above is just a glimpse at what’s available. A complete listing is available online.
Comment by Sharon Horstead — July 8, 2008 @ 8:07 pm
Yesterday I gave my overall first impression of this marketing marvel. It wasn’t good. Here’s my reasoning behind that. I did write a bit of a rant but I hope you’ll forgive me and stick with me. It’s memorable, has evoked quite a response, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to sales. I’ve never believed that bad press is better than no press. You have to work hard to overcome that first impression. Kyle (comments #63 and 65) was enticed to get a card. However, he was not the target market as he did not receive the offer in his mailbox. Even though Advanta sent the wrong message, I trust that they had the right list – wait, Clayton was on a list for small business owners (Ha!). I’m not picking on Kyle (I enjoyed the volleys between Kyle and Clayton) but I would also like to address some of his points. I’m with you Kyle on cutting out the bull. But this sales letter is just so much noise that hurts my eyes, my ears (yes, I can hear it) and my brain. I’m all up for a bit of fun, but as a business owner (I am), this isn’t it for me. Copy doesn’t have to be long or “flowery” to be compelling. There is still a way to cut out all the blah, blah, blah, without having to throw it, still bleeding, right back at me. I understand that red is a color of impact and passion. But it’s also the color of blood. This piece just looks like a sawdust-covered, slaughter house floor to me – the back of the application is particularly hideous. This pitch is to sell me something for my business. I’m busy putting out fires. I’m watching my margins and my market dwindle as the economy slows down. I want and need innovation to help keep me afloat. I want help. I want smart, not snarky. Yes, Kyle (sorry, I am picking on you on this one), I do want correct spelling and punctuation and professionalism in all my business correspondences. Anyone can type how they want in Twitter, but if you want me to do business with you, you had better show me your intelligence and attention to detail in every written communication. I will judge you on it. I also want respect, sincerity, trustworthiness. I’m not getting any of that from this empty waste of paper. Yes, I too am a consumer of credit cards (Visa loves me). The features of the card are important to me. But to go to the hassle of switching cards (no, I would not just add another one into my wallet), I want benefits, otherwise I’ll trash it. I want to know why this would be a smart business decision. I want to know how this is going to affect my bottom line. It would be helpful to know that there are even more features (and their related benefits) than what are included in this mailer. If I did decide to check the website for more info … Oops, the blah blah site is really just a squeeze page that leads me straight to an application, without giving me anything further that would help me make my decision. Either the squeeze page should have redirected me to the Advanta site that lists some impressive features, or the sales letter should have just cut the blah blah and sent me directly there. Big miss. Even the Advanta website with its profuse list of features doesn’t really deliver benefits. It’s quite cute that on their home page, right after the list of features, they say, “Advanta’s credit card offers a long list of benefits that goes on and on.” They apparently don’t know the difference between features and benefits. And at the bottom of the home page they say, “At Advanta, our focus is on small business. And no one knows their needs like we do.” Really? Then tell me about it. What’s different? Why do I need your features? Come up with some needs that I might not have thought of, not just solutions out of context. Tell me why I’m signing up for more than just another credit card. This is a better card, but I would never know it from this campaign. Oh, one other minor detail: The Advanta website says 7.99% fixed APR after 15 months at 0% on balance transfers and the mailer says 9.99% variable APR after 9 months at 0% on balance transfers. I think I’d rather have the Advanta website offer than the “great offer” presented to Clayton. I guess the terms changed to pay for the fat paychecks of the ad agency. Kyle, I hope you didn’t get your card from the blah blah site. Adam says in comment #15, they’ve spent money on TV ads in the UK so they must be getting some positive response to those. Whatever ROI they are getting on these campaigns, they are leaving so much money on the table by not using proven techniques for direct response. All in all, this is just such a waste of time and money.
I could go on … but I won’t. Tomorrow, my novice attempt at a re-write. Sharon Horstead Calgary, Canada
Comment by Sharon Horstead — July 8, 2008 @ 8:09 pm
Yikes, sorry. Don’t know what happened to my formatting and carriage returns.

Sharon
Comment by Dave Stevens — July 8, 2008 @ 10:09 pm
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah
blah. IF YOU READ THIS THAN THAT DM
PIECE MAY HAVE WORKED blah blh <—Oops, typo!
blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah.

In a world where the Hoola Hoop, the Pet Rock, Sea monkeys, Larry the Cable Guy and Britney Spears are all examples of successful ventures, I believe that this particular campaign could also have been a success.

I think they may have hit the nail on the head in a way…most people don’t want to waste precious time reading copy about a credit card and it’s benefits. Their execution of the concept may have been lacking…

…then again it may have been perfect. There was a certain graphic benefit to using the “blahs” as a sort of white space, drawing attention to the important information highlighted in red (a red that is, in fact, a duplication of the Mastercard logo color and therefore a reinforcement of the brand).

From a copywriting point of view it may have seemed horrendous, but from a graphic design standpoint there is a sense to it. And I think I can safely say that copywriting isn’t the only consideration in many, if not all direct mail pieces.

Was the company that created it stupid? They made money on the concept (you and I certainly didn’t). Making money doesn’t necessarily denote intelligence. But if the company that created the DM item in question made money, and it was successful, then they could hardly be thought of as stupid.

I don’t believe we know what the response was. If we knew the numbers the piece generated, we could all know for sure whether it was a failure. Without that knowledge, we only have our respective opinions.

I believe the overall effect was an execution of concept and design. The copywriting was kept to the important facts (which is not a bad thing). I believe perhaps this particular crowd has focused a little too much on copy in this instance, and perhaps neglecting other important considerations.

If it drew the required results, then it was successful and the advertising company in question knew what they were doing. We might not like what they did but if it was successful, then what we think is irrelevant.
Comment by Kurt — July 8, 2008 @ 10:38 pm
Overall, I found it very blah.
Comment by The Advanta Ad Team — July 9, 2008 @ 1:55 am
Dear Clayton:

We at Advanta would like to thank you and your readers for making the "blah-blah-blah" campaign so successful. Thanks to all the attention your blog generated, the campaign has gone viral and resulted in the best response rate we have ever seen!

If we ever develop another really "sucky" direct mailing program, we hope you and all the people who read your excellent blog will take the time to discuss - and keep alive - what probably would have died a quiet death had it not been for the attention you generated for us.

Again, we are in your debt … or maybe, if you have an Advanta card, you are in ours?

Blahfully Yours,

The Advanta Team
Comment by Clayton Makepeace — July 9, 2008 @ 7:05 am
Dear "Advanta Team:"

Thank you for your kind e-mails.

When the drugs wear off and you’re able to think clearly — and realize that you can’t spend "creativity," "originality," "attention," or even "viral eyeballs" …

… And that it takes actual SALES that generate real money to offset your marketing costs and to increase profits …

Give me a call. I’ll hook you up with a copywriter who’ll blow the doors off anything your brain-dead ad agency has done for you.

If he or she can’t at least double your six-month ROI by actually giving your prospects REASONS to sign up for your card, you pay nothing.

Otherwise, you pay the copywriter 50% of your net revenue increase for the next year.

Just trying to be helpful, here …

Sincerely,

Clayton Makepeace
Comment by petertownshend — July 9, 2008 @ 8:35 am
Okay, I give up

I was going to try to stick to what the Advanta’s purpose was a do a series of posts responding to the assinine direct mail piece they sent out, but the complete ignorance and arrogance of the Advanta ad team just sucked the wind out of my sails…

Hopefully one of the REAL entrepreneurs and executives at this company will wake up, pull their thumbs out of their … ahem … ears, fire the "AD TEAM" and bring in someone that will let them market to their customers instead of the bottom of the garbage bin.

In their debt…. NEVER.
Comment by Jeremy Reeves — July 9, 2008 @ 8:51 am
Thatta boy Clayton!

I totally agree though. I’d write for them simply for a percentage of their increase in profits (and if not I write free)…

Feel free to contact me Advanta

http://www.controlbeatingcopy.com

Jeremy Reeves
Comment by jay — July 9, 2008 @ 8:56 am
Excellent point on how the Pet Rock was marketed Clayton. I thought the blah, blah, blah campaign was not only awful but incredibly unoriginal. We all have bad days but this agency should be ashamed of themselves. Why try to reinvent the wheel? I am not a professional copywriter but this ad may have inspired me to seriously look into becoming one.
Comment by Martin Luxton — July 9, 2008 @ 9:31 am
Clayton,

Here is my rewrite attempt.

"Get the Advanta credit card now and you will be able to
(write your dream here) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Phone: 1800 xxxxxxxxx RIGHT NOW to get your dream!"

Now this might not increase the ROI but if you send this on a simple postcard you will save a fortune on printing, paper and ink costs so you have a lot less money to recoup.

Martin
Comment by Nicholas — July 9, 2008 @ 10:10 am
On the surface this might look like a good idea to Advanta, but if they just slept on it for a while longer I am positive that marvelous thing called the subconscious mind would have switched on the Warning Sirens eventually. Initially the approach seems different, feeding the world hunger for Simplicity. This is taking it a bit far though. It makes me "feel" like I am not very smart and they need to make the point. I found that to write in a simple, emotionally strong, yet punchy way is very hard. That is why I am here, to learn and try and test on our website. I feel like a child in a sandpit, he he…
Comment by Rick — July 9, 2008 @ 10:39 am
I wonder what the comments would look like if Clayton had said "This is a brilliant example of thinking-out-of-the-box direct marketing"?

The letter conveys NO benefits, does NOT offer a comparison to maek itself stand out, gives NO "unique selling point" to help the consumer justify purchasing this card over any other.
The letter actually highlights its biggest failing: "We thought you’d really only be interested in the facts anyway" - and then failing to give the reader the NECESSARY FACTS!

This is an example of someone trying to apply Zen minimalism without understanding Zen.

A better way to convey message would be (if they wanted to stick with the "blah blah" theme):
"Dear Clayton Makepeace:
Here’s a great offer for your business. We understand that you are busy building your business, helping your customers and supporting your employees, so we won’t waste your time with the usual blah blah blah. Let’s get right to the facts, because as a business owner, you can make the right decision quickly:
-Cash rewards: <explanation>
-travel rewards: <explanation>
-merchandise rewards: <explanation>
-customize your card: <explanation>
-no-fee employee cards: <explanation>
-0% APR on balance transfers: <explanation>
-9.99% variable APR: <explanation>
See? No blah blah blah. Just a card that is superior to anything you’ve got, and an offer that’s superior to anything anyone will send you. An offer that fits your business.
Send in the enclosed card, or fax it or call us toll-free."

Poor Advanta. They probably should look at the business of the business owner to whom they send stuff like this.
Comment by Jerry Seinfeld (not) — July 9, 2008 @ 10:46 am
I have found that "yaddah yaddah yaddah" is much more effective than "blah blah blah."
Comment by Michel Fortin — July 9, 2008 @ 10:48 am
Excellent post, Clayton. As usual.

The discussion seems to have jumped over to my board as well, as we were talking about an entirely — but similar — ad. And this piece came up in the discussion.

One copywriter made this enlightening comment…

http://www.copywritersboard.com/copywriting-discussion/10089-worst-ad-i-ever-saw-5.html#post80371
Comment by Grahame — July 9, 2008 @ 10:56 am
Comment 111 from Dave Stevens: "most people don’t want to waste precious time reading copy about a credit card and it’s benefits." You are absolutely correct, Dave (and others who have made a similar point).

Actually, people don’t want to waste their time reading about any product. What people most want to read about is themselves.

And that’s the way the best direct response copy is written.
Comment by John Gilger — July 9, 2008 @ 11:26 am
Since no one has thrown out a conspiracy theory… <LOL>

I wonder if the BigBankCorp sending this out had their marketing department on the pink-slip list?

It looks like "How to waste a million bucks and make a spectacular departure with your last DM project."

I can’t believe anyone could mail that and expect anything other than ridicule. If this was a serious attempt to sell credit cards, I can see why the Fed has to bail out the banks. They’ve lost their marbles.

Two cents worth of curmudgeonly tin foil hat thinkin’
Comment by kyled — July 9, 2008 @ 11:29 am
Sharon - As with Clayton’s responses to my dissent, no offense taken! I’m not disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing, or to be a pest. I’ve acknowledged Clayton’s points about the difference between print and other media, and as has been pointed out before, I don’t think I’m the target audience. Having said that, I’ve read many other posts that have included possible alternatives to the Blah. Funny enough, I literally found myself saying, "Blah, blah, blah, nine percent, blah, blah, blah, travel rewards…", etc., while reading them! I’m telling you, I’m seeing nothing in these that would have caught my attention to the point of saying, "WHOA, I’ve gotta get one of these!" Instead, I’m just seeing the same stuff I always see with credit card offers. You can say it a thousand different ways, and you can imagine a thousand different benefits to their "me-too" features, but in the end… it’s plastic. Ho-hum. As a consumer, though, I personally don’t need the intricacies of The Balance Transfer described. I don’t need an invitation to "imagine what I’d do with the Cash Back Rewards". But, again, I’m in the minority. I’m not the authority on direct sales success and I’m going to defer to Clayton for actual results coaching. Frankly, reading these posts have proven Clayton’s points for him. The majority of those posting here are practically begging the credit card company to give them more copy. "Give me a broader description of the benefits!", many seem to be saying. "Describe the kinds of places I can go with my Vacation Rewards!" But, no matter what my private feelings are regarding this phenomenon, if that’s what you want, I’m more than happy to learn how to give it to you.
Comment by Fred Black — July 9, 2008 @ 12:19 pm
Ok, I had a little time over lunch to play around with this. If Advanta wanted something different, that would stand out…

Envelope:
White with red or orange flames coming up from the bottom, or solid red…

Printed on envelope:
Credit Card Hell? Most Companies Want Your Soul… We Want MORE…

Letter:
Headline:
Advanta Knows You Think Credit Cards Companies are Evil – But, We’re Doing Something to Change That!

Body:
Dear Clayton Makepeace;
I know you don’t like credit card companies and I know why: that’s why Advanta is different. At Advanta, we know most people view credit card companies as evil. Let’s be honest, most credit card offers are little more than poorly disguised invitations to sell your financial soul to the devil and spend eternity in the fiery depths of credit card hell. We want Advanta to stand out as one of the good guys, as a beacon of light amongst the darkness, giving you advantages that other cards simply are not willing to offer. That’s why we’ve created the Advanta Platinum BusinessCard for your business. That’s why we’re making you an offer that is completely unheard of in the credit card industry…

0% APR on Balance Transfers for 9 months: pay off your existing credit card debt FAST, WITH NO INTEREST!9.99% Variable APR on Purchases: Our low rates allow you to carry purchase balances without putting a dent in your bottom line!Additional No-Fee Cards for Your Employees: manage your business expenses with less hassle, and earn more points by providing your employees with cards at no additional fee.Customize Your Card with Your Company Logo or Message.Unlimited Rewards.Cash Rewards.Travel Rewards.Merchandise Rewards.Clayton, I know time is money so I’ll cut to the chase: this is an exclusive offer for select businesses only. I wish I could make this offer to everyone, but we simply can’t. Unfortunately, this a time limited offer as well: we must receive your application within 7 days to qualify. So go ahead and fill out the enclosed R.S.V.P Certificate and mail it back to us… today.

Sincerely,

John F. Moore,
Advanta
Comment by Fred Black — July 9, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
Let’s try that again… the formatting didn’t like the list commands I guess….

Ok, I had a little time over lunch to play around with this. If Advanta wanted something different, that would stand out…

Envelope:
White with red or orange flames coming up from the bottom, or solid red…

Printed on envelope:
Credit Card Hell? Most Companies Want Your Soul… We Want MORE…

Letter:
Headline:
Advanta Knows You Think Credit Cards Companies are Evil – But, We’re Doing Something to Change That!

Body:
Dear Clayton Makepeace;
I know you don’t like credit card companies and I know why: that’s why Advanta is different. At Advanta, we know most people view credit card companies as evil. Most credit card offers are little more than poorly disguised invitations to sell your financial soul to the devil and spend eternity in the fiery depths of credit card hell. We want Advanta to stand out as one of the good guys, as a beacon of light amongst the darkness, giving you advantages that other cards simply are not willing to offer. That’s why we’ve created the Advanta Platinum BusinessCard for your business. That’s why we’re making you an offer that is completely unheard of in the credit card industry…

- 0% APR on Balance Transfers for 9 months: pay off your existing credit card debt FAST, WITH NO INTEREST!
- 9.99% Variable APR on Purchases: Our low rates allow you to carry purchase balances without putting a dent in your bottom line!
- Additional No-Fee Cards for Your Employees: manage your business expenses with less hassle, and earn more points by providing your employees with cards at no additional fee.
- Customize Your Card with Your Company Logo or Message.
- Unlimited Rewards.
- Cash Rewards.
- Travel Rewards.
- Merchandise Rewards.

Clayton, I know time is money so I’ll cut to the chase: this is an exclusive offer for select businesses only. I wish I could make this offer to everyone but we simply can’t. Unfortunately, this a time limited offer as well: we must receive your application within 7 days to qualify. So go ahead and fill out the enclosed R.S.V.P Certificate and mail it back to us… today.

Sincerely,

John F. Moore,
Advanta
Comment by Sharon Horstead — July 9, 2008 @ 12:31 pm
Kyle - All’s cool. This is a lot of fun, even though it’s serious business. We’re all here trying to get an education. I haven’t written any copy yet, just been reading lots of sales letters (and yes, skimming over the crap in a lot of them) and learning lots from Clayton and his team on the blog. I’m basically aware of what credit cards do, but this offer didn’t give me enough to make me want to switch. It was also so noisy. I’ll post a bit later with my idea of what might have appealed to me. Thanks for contributing to the dialogue. We all get better together.

Sharon
Comment by Leon — July 9, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
Hey! This is only the outline which the copywriter prepared while he thought it through.

Some clerk must have thought it was final and now we can all see it.

Poor guy!
Comment by Sharon Horstead — July 9, 2008 @ 1:13 pm
I note that "The Advanta Ad Team" (comment #113) link goes to blah.com, which my site filter blocks as being an adult site. I got around it and got to the home page of a Latin American site. I didn’t want to dig any deeper.

Sharon
Comment by Tommy — July 9, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
At least the writer was not struck by the blank page blahs!

Blah, Blah Blahck Sheep, etc.
Comment by Stephen Chua — July 9, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
Hey Clayton and everybody else here,

I just quickly read (yes, read) this whole blog post right down to here.

I don’t envy you having to keep your promise to find the best post - some are truly to the point and imaginative.

Memories work in strange ways sometimes, clicking right back to a similar set of events of one upon a time.

That letter at the center of all this and it’s presentation reminds me of a huge credit card farce once perpetrated by an over ambitious business"friend" (new MBA qualified nephew of Chairman) - the ceo of a sizeable department store chain with stalled sales volumes.

Citing budget constraints he demonstrated yet another penny-wise and pound-foolish ability that he had.

- To "save" costs, the sales piece was jig-saw puzzled together by committee - the entire office of over 200.

- The 20 page set of super glossy ( even ink does not stay) with printing mega-cost, included a SRSE was sent in a standard manila envelop (to save on design work).

-The mailing list was 2.5 million - people and organizations (kids too), over 16 weekly mailings.

- Total cost? $32million in 1980 - a huge hole in those days.

- Total returns after 6 months? Less than 1,000 in store sign ups (ink did not stay on standard forms).

Desperate times required desperate measures - the project was dumped in my lap by my boss and mentor - to come up with something to save his business friend’s (the chairman) a$$…ahem business. Shareholders get violent sometimes.

My real qualifications? Real non-conformist; wierd sense of humour; damned determined to succeed, has a great business mentor. So I got to work.

- Got a bunch of kids to design a standard envelop for the 1981 Chinese New Year, with the colour and motifs for the festivities - cost $200 as gift.

- 1 page simple good quality paper, standard credit card sign up form with 20$ Chinese New Year gift coupon (on the form) upon sign up of store credit card (minimal printing costs).

- Added a 10% purchase discount VIP card activated upon sign up of credit card in the envelop.

- Cleaned mailing list to send to only individual adults (no businesses or kids) - @ 800,000 only.

- Over 8 mailings - printing and other associated costs - $2.8million.

THe result? Nearly half a million sign ups.

The Chain Store had a great year but only managed to recoup the farcical costs of the previous year.

I was certainly no copy writer and just a couple of years into big business. The only thing I did was to think around what the competition was doing and beat them to the punch by being almost irreverent and cheeky.

Besides, putting a big smile on my boss’s face was priceless.

I hope the prize winner has fun with it.

I only wrote this as another point of view of getting your point across to the prospect.
Comment by Mike Shields — July 9, 2008 @ 3:44 pm
Well, my problem is, I’m still on dial-up, and I’m out the door. Meaning, I haven’t actually read the copy to comment properly, and qualify for the awesome prize. Ok, you say, why leave a comment at all? Well, it would seem that most have the same problems with the at this point, alleged copy. Clearly, to be unique, and clever, takes a lot of work. If I get a vote as to the winner, let me know
Comment by Tommy — July 9, 2008 @ 3:58 pm
Clayton,

There may just be method to the madness here. (No jokes this time)

The objective may just be to get the letter opened using the curiosity factor. You opened it, no?
Next was that people just dump anything about credit cards, etc. if they are not interested. They bypassed this by forcing the curiosity factor again down to the response device, because the reader just had to see what blah was about.

They took you, Clayton, all the way down, even if it was to evaluate the whole thing, and even if they did put you in a state of a whisky needing shock.

They put the conversation in the readers head into shortcircuit by just using key words that make sense to some extent, and that are punted around by all and sundry. Ziegarnic Effect? Something like a red t-shirt at a funeral. Sticks out like a sore thumb.

The printing costs were obviously low, so the roi would skyrocket.

This was not only to gain a list, but to catch those desperate enough in these tough economic times that would look for any way out to postpone facing reality. They have put the greatest money saving device around in the readers hands. (Only pay later)

They are counting on the desperation and carelessness of the general public as well as businesses to just grab the offer without considering it. They make as if they are throwing a lifejacket to a drowning swimmer, and that person will grab at anything without much thought. The clutching at straws thing.

A hungry dog will eat just about anything.

The only thing on this whole mailing that makes sense is the response device, and that is what they want you to read. You always teach incredible techniques, so they are probably reading your letters and applying the knowledge.

All the political blahs going around at this time in the USA opened a door for them.

All the logical words mixed in among the blahs are the bullets, and they are all greed motivated.

They even added a tracking device to the letter right down the bottom where they say "Applying for the Advanta Platinum Businesscard is fast and easy." Just check below that and you will see the tracker.

The mailing may just be a clever way of capitalizing on the competition,
first - lower cost mailing. second - the competition has matured the market, so they can just walk in a scoop the cream without the effort. They take the low hanging fruit that the competition has created for them

So they have done a lot of things right, but just put a weird twist on it.

All the small print was put at the back of the response device, because they gambled that the decision had already been made at the response device, so the small print would have minimal effect.

They do this with a lot more and colourful blahs, once again cutting the conversation out. More blahs. Who cares, I have made my decision. All the while using just red for their important points on the whole thing, and hooking the bullets in the many blahs to the response device.

The second gamble that they made was :
Husbands and wives normally discuss things like this, so the small print would get lost either in argument or excitement mixed in with the household happenings, made more urgent by the 7 day limit.

And then they made it so that the letter did not seem desperate, so taking the "neediness factor" out of the equation. In essence telling the reader " If you bite, great.If you don’t bite, great. Don’t need you, don’t want you. So come ask us nicely, and we may help(sucker you)"

So in the end they also forced readers to be scanners, and in doing so they hit a broader target of readers.

At least nobody can say that they dangle their participles. There are none to dangle. Grammar and spelling perfect as well!

Now where is my moonshine and doobie…….
Comment by Harvey — July 9, 2008 @ 11:17 pm
I’d say you missed Rich Schefren’s "Attention Age Doctrine" — Information Age is over, there’s jsut too much inofrmation around and people don’t care any more. People now have extermly short attention span, and if you can grab their attention the most you’ll get is 20 seconds and you better make the most of it.

All those long sales letters that are supposed to spark interest, establish credibility, provide proof that this stuff works — that’s all wasted on me, I scroll thorugh most of that stuff. The only things that interest me are — what is it going to do for me and how much does it cost. I have no interest in quotes from previous customers, regardless of how great and informative they are, or how carefully they were selected and strategically sprinkled around; I have no interest in spreadsheets with highlighted numbers etc — I’ll go to Google to do my own research before I buy.

So, I think this is a great letter, the kind of letter I’d always like to receive from the bank — just bullet points and no fluff. They might have done this in a form that is more acceptable to business owners and trageted this one to college students (as someone else already suggested here) but basic idea is great! Way better than another long, rambling sales letter.
Comment by Brandon Z — July 9, 2008 @ 11:25 pm
Okay, it’s time for the copy if I can actually get through this without some major interruption…

First, the envelope…

Postcard size, not letter size. Plain white with the font looking like handwriting.

Clayton Makepeace
123 main st.
anytown, US, 01234

                                              Joe Schmoe
                                             123 main st
                                             Anytown, US 1234

maybe even a heart shaped sticker holding it shut, though I think that’s unnecessary.

ok, on to the letter…

Ah Hah! I Have It!

Hey Clayton,

I know, I know, it’s been a while since I wrote. You don’t need to get into that now.

The reason I’m writing is–like you–I’m tired of getting useless credit card offers in the mail, and I just had to share this little tidbit of credit card genius.

I don’t know about you, but I get literally flooded with offers every single day. Everyone’s touting this and that, but they keep missing the point!

Correct me if I’m wrong but you want:
Unlimited rewards–What the $&%# are airline miles worth if they just expire before you use them right?$$$$$ Rewards– Yeah, it’s your time to collect something back!And what about travel? Yeah, work, work, work, it’s time to get something out of all that time. A credit card should give you that flexibility!Yo to the "inner geek"!, what about merchandise rewards?! Just because you had to buy a new computer for the office, and you sprung for the real fancy one, you should be rewarded for it! (Ask the office manager that’s using it, you’ll find a new friend there too!)What’s worse than handing someone a credit card to process? Handing someone a card that looks "plain"… This is the 21st century man! At least you should have your own logo, if not a picture of "Fluffy" on there!Going back to that office manager…It’s bad enough you have to go through the receipts (or someone has to)…It’s a complete kick in the pants to pay extra for that privilege.Oh yeah, then there’s your accountant telling you that you should transfer your balances to lower rates. But why go through all that hassle just to save a % or 2?…and then there’s that 21% rate…
Okay, I’m done ranting, and yes I do have a solution.

Introducing The Advanta Platinum Business Card…

Yes, Clayton, you can have your cake and eat it too!

With the Advanta Platinum Business Card your life just got a whole lot easier!

All that ranting I did before…GONE with the Advanta Platinum Business card!

Yeah, gone like a bad idea…

It’s time to put a stop to the madness Clayton, flip this page over, fill out the form, and drop it in the mail. It’s that simple, we’ve got the stamp covered, so welcome to your new world!

(Yo geek! If you don’t want to wait on the mail just jump on that machine and go to http://urlhere.com it’s even easier)

Good talkin with ya,

Dude Fromadvanta

PS: Almost forgot… This card’s a new test for us, and I’m not too sure the "pencil pushers" are going to let us continue being so liberal with our terms here. Put simply, I wouldn’t wait…This card simply could become your competitors edge…May as well make it yours. Fill out the form now, tell your partner his little "emergency" can wait.

*terms and "blah" here….
Comment by Clayton Makepeace — July 10, 2008 @ 6:12 am
Man. That "viral" thing must really be working. Just look at all the traffic we’re sending them …
Comment by Brandon Z — July 10, 2008 @ 6:26 am
Okay, I guess my formatting didn’t work…

Let’s try this again.

First, the envelope… Postcard size, not letter size. Plain white with the font looking like handwriting. Clayton Makepeace
123 main st.
anytown, US, 01234                                               Joe Schmoe
                                             123 main st
                                             Anytown, US 1234 maybe even a heart shaped sticker holding it shut, though I think that’s unnecessary. ok, on to the letter… Ah Hah! I Have It! Hey Clayton, I know, I know, it’s been a while since I wrote. You don’t need to get into that now. The reason I’m writing is–like you–I’m tired of getting useless credit card offers in the mail, and I just had to share this little tidbit of credit card genius. I don’t know about you, but I get literally flooded with offers every single day. Everyone’s touting this and that, but they keep missing the point! Correct me if I’m wrong but you want:
-Unlimited rewards–What the $&%# are airline miles worth if they just expire before you use them right?-$$$$$ Rewards– Yeah, it’s your time to collect something back!-And what about travel? Yeah, work, work, work, it’s time to get something out of all that time. A credit card should give you that flexibility!-Yo to the "inner geek"!, what about merchandise rewards?! Just because you had to buy a new computer for the office, and you sprung for the real fancy one, you should be rewarded for it! (Ask the office manager that’s using it, you’ll find a new friend there too!)-What’s worse than handing someone a credit card to process? Handing someone a card that looks "plain"… This is the 21st century man! At least you should have your own logo, if not a picture of "Fluffy" on there!-Going back to that office manager…It’s bad enough you have to go through the receipts (or someone has to)…It’s a complete kick in the pants to pay extra for that privilege.-Oh yeah, then there’s your accountant telling you that you should transfer your balances to lower rates. But why go through all that hassle just to save a % or 2?-…and then there’s that 21% rate…
Okay, I’m done ranting, and yes I do have a solution. Introducing The Advanta Platinum Business Card… Yes, Clayton, you can have your cake and eat it too! With the Advanta Platinum Business Card your life just got a whole lot easier! All that ranting I did before…GONE with the Advanta Platinum Business card! Yeah, gone like a bad idea… It’s time to put a stop to the madness Clayton, flip this page over, fill out the form, and drop it in the mail. It’s that simple, we’ve got the stamp covered, so welcome to your new world! (Yo geek! If you don’t want to wait on the mail just jump on that machine and go to http://urlhere.com it’s even easier) Good talkin with ya, Dude Fromadvanta PS: Almost forgot… This card’s a new test for us, and I’m not too sure the "pencil pushers" are going to let us continue being so liberal with our terms here. Put simply, I wouldn’t wait…This card simply could become your competitors edge…May as well make it yours. Fill out the form now, tell your partner his little "emergency" can wait. *terms and "blah" here….
Comment by Brandon Z — July 10, 2008 @ 6:28 am
dangit… Well, sorry guys. You’ll just have to sift through the non-format and try and get the idea of what I had there. It just isn’t showing up the way I intended.
Comment by Gerold — July 10, 2008 @ 8:13 am
Well — if one thing sure shot can’t be doubted than that this blahblah thing created a LOT of attention.

And a question to all you top notch copywriters complaining about too much blah: If in five years someone asks you which promo you remember best — hey, more than one of you will nodd and say ‘Oh yeah, there was this absolutely incredible blah blah sales letter …’

I don’t know anything about the blahblah response figures so far. Well, maybe they are not particularly good because I as a business owner am not really interested in all that awards. Maybe I could get a better direct response by writing something like:

You’re a bizz owner, a pro. You’re not really interested in all kind of rewards that are usually treated as business expenses anyway. Nor you can’t live without some fancy looking card. You want to be able to pay for your purchases. Everywhere. Safe. At no additional costs. Here’s your product …

Alright, maybe this one produces more direct leads within a week or two. But be honest — who of you would remeber this one after one year? After two? It’s more than a good guess when I say definitely nobody.

So this incredible blahblah letter maybe isn’t worthy of taking place at top of the hall of fame. Bur absolutely sure it’s one of those things that deserve the attribute unforgettable.

There’s another little rule in marketing often forgotten or overlooked: inflow = outflow. The inflow may stem from a completely different direction than the one where the outflow was released, too; thus it is sometimes hard to see. But it still holds true, especially in cases where you have an attention catcher.

If anybody should be interested: The most impressing piece of promo I ever saw was a placard with a big headline ‘Here’s a list of all top managers that are members of a sect’. Down below a lot of text in very small letters. No pix. It made me definitely jump out of the metro before I had reached my actual destination just to take a closer look. Well, the ‘list’ consisted of one sentence repeated over and over: ‘Placards make curious.’ Probably besides the headline this ad violated every rule of promotion, marketing and copywriting. And it surely reached its objective of attracting attention.

So, if you can write a sales letter that sells credit cards to bizz owners right now, you’ll make a good buck and can be happy about it. If you are able to create an ‘unforgettable’ I promise you WILL have to break one or the other rule. Sometimes even all of them. But if it succeeds you’ve done an artwork — and created an impact that no usual sales letter or ad will ever achieve.

Gerold
Comment by Seth Chong — July 10, 2008 @ 9:01 am
Thanks for the letter Clayton.

It’ll be one of the legendary posts Copywriters
can refer to from time to time.

As for copywriters…
Here’s a time to stand up tall, throw your shoulders back
and feel proud about your own Copywriting skills.
Comment by karen — July 10, 2008 @ 9:04 am
A real honest-to-goodness Business owner - the candidate for whom this mailing was created, I can’t imagine would waste the time to read something this unprofessional. I’m not talking about a general mailing sent to every kind of credit card holder that may find amusement in brainless crap; this was specifically sent to the savvy intelligent business owners. How gauche. Know your prospect, know your prospect, know your prospect, know your prospect. They apparently cut Marketing 101 when that lesson was mentioned.
Comment by Clayton Makepeace — July 10, 2008 @ 9:50 am
OK, guys and gals, The Redhead and I are headed out for a great weekend in Charleston. So keep the discussion going — I’ll announce our winners Monday.

In the meantime, for those of you who still think this is (or could be) a respectable effort, here’s a little assignment:

Go to Wal-Mart and fill a shopping cart to overflowing. At the check-out stand, try to pay with "attention," "creativity," or "viral eyeballs."

Then, soon as they let you out of your padded cell, remove the straight jacket and release you from the funny farm, tell us what you learned?

Thanks!

Cheers, y’all!
Comment by Zack — July 10, 2008 @ 10:06 am
Dear Advanta Team,Greatest response rate ever? Either you’re lying or you think people checking you out because of morbid curiosity somehow translates into sales. I’m interested in where you got the idea that your camapign "went viral." A quick Google search only found this blog talking about it and a few other people who spun off from this blog…and none of the coverage was positive. If that’s your idea of viral, pray that it doesn’t go TOO viral.
Comment by Barnaby Kalan — July 10, 2008 @ 10:10 am
Yup. This one absolutely takes the cake. Too lazy to be interested in what their prospects are feeling in this business environment, acknowledge their concerns, challenges, or even be polite!

Imagine walking up to someone in a bar or coffee shop and saying, "blah blah blah" and expecting them to not look at you like you had two heads.

Cannot imagine that it moved the response meter one iota. Too "creative" and "viral" for that. The only selling going on here is by the agency folks who managed to convince the client to print this thing.
Comment by Paul Flood — July 10, 2008 @ 10:34 am
This has been a lot of fun reading about this mailer Clayton!

One thing I am sure we can agree upon is that there has been little, if anything new in credit card reward offers in ages. They are like frequent flier offers. American changed the loyalty equation years ago but the rest of the industry followed with the same programs and since then, it is all one-upmanship with nothing really unique.

What is sorely lacking in any credit card programs is a Unique Selling Proposition. The old question, "Why should I buy from you instead of any of your competitors or do nothing at all?" The card company obviously made no real effort at creating their USP so they are subject to the whims of "the creative department."

It seems that the underlying problem with this piece as well as the majority of the useless ads we see is the starting point is not the USP or benefits, it is "how clever can we be?" or "how can we build our brand?"

The viral element could have been a lot more powerful had you written about what a kick-ass piece this was and dissected it as a lesson in good copywriting. Instead of all of us saying "how useless!" we would have been saying, "Whoa, I gotta have one of these amazing cards!"
Comment by John Richardson — July 10, 2008 @ 10:45 am
Did you see their website? www.theblahblahsite.com. I have a feeling the idea came from a digital creative team. I’m sure the technology behind it is awesome. But it’s a bit like those NASA astronauts playing golf on the moon. A triumph of self indulgence over purpose. Now I’m sure NASA had a purpose, but that single golfing image erased it for ever. If the purpose of this website is to sell you on irresistible facts…where are they? Where’s the wow factor? There is nothing here. No meat on the bone. It’s a bulldog with lipstick. No…it’s polished dogshit. Want some? I didn’t think so.
Comment by Peter — July 10, 2008 @ 11:40 am
First, a little shredding, to vent:I’m always intrigued when people do something puzzling, almost unfathomable. When I look closer, what they do will point to how they think, and that in turn tells me if they respect the fact we have met for a reason. Kind of like being in the woods and having to follow "signs" to find water, food, etc. Sign of life and how to sustain it.Here, we have signs of a completely different type. These point to a very deliberate lack of respect, ignorance of the obligation for creativity, a very studied avoidance of professionalism, and a mosh-pit fall backwards onto "OMG isn’t this amazingly cutesy-cute?" instead of pushing the envelope in a field of creatively-challenged direct mail pieces from competitors cut from the same boring cloth. I’m surprised this piece was personalized. In the spirit and tenor of this mailer, shouldn’t the recipient have simply been addressed as Dummy?If Advanta thought the recipient would "…only be interested in the facts anyway…" just mail a neon postcard with "the facts" only and a 1-800-DUMBELL cutesy phone number to complete the application process.Why ask someone to print in blue or black ink when using a pen presumes they have an IQ? Leave whole pages for each section so they can use their favorite color of crayon.How can the idiot who got this have employees?And as dumb as this person is, why would they transfer money to these people?This whole thing reeks of something a badly trained dog with an ignorant owner leaves on the ground that sticks to the bottom of your shoe.Clearly Advanta thought this would somehow appeal to a business owner through its dumberer come-from. And people wonder why credit card companies are so roundly reviled. Look no further than your mailbox.
Comment by jimbo — July 10, 2008 @ 11:48 am
That’s funny Clayton.

I’d head to Walmart as you requested- but I’ll be too busy counting up all the orders we generated this week from our creative sales letters. Hey Clayton- you just broke a "rule" yourself… you used humor in copy. See. you can teach an old dog new tricks!

And for the Alexa graph… Did you guys ever think the traffic was from their sales letter- and not from the whopping 146 people posting in this blog? Hmmmm.

Jimbo
Comment by Robert Woodring — July 10, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
Is it just me but this advanta offer leaves a bad taste in my mouth, several days after reading it.
Finally I think I know why, besides showing a total lack of respect to the prospect. I believe you should be as open and transparent in your dealings as possible. These blah-blah-blahs are a device to corrupt clear communication and makes me wonder what else isn’t being communicated clearly. Possibly something you’d find out after…say the nine months has expired!
I don’t know but it makes me distrustful of them and their offer.
-Robert
Comment by Bernie Malonson — July 10, 2008 @ 1:04 pm
Very interesting posts. Let me add a little objectivity.

I think one thing few people have mentioned is that Direct Marketing let’s you "Test" everything.

Without knowing their previous figures we have no way of knowing, 1) Did it beat their previous control? 2) How many pieces were mailed? 3) What is their cost per lead? 4) What is their cost per acquisition? 5) What was the purpose of the piece? Sales? Lead Generation? Awareness? 6) ROI? Positive? Negative? Breakeven?

In regards to the copy:

A: Attention (Sure seems to have done that).
I: Interest (Perhaps not for the offer, definitely for comments).
D: Desire (Not for me, but I may not have been the target).
A: Action (Unknown since we don’t know the ROI).

I think alot of people here could probably do better, but then again no one know how "Bad" this campaign has really performed and what their metrics were.

Cheers!

Bernie Malonson
Comment by Peter — July 10, 2008 @ 1:08 pm
Second, some thoughts on how to up response even further:Refine your list.Carry out your theme to the hilt. If you’re on your game, you’ll know how. If you need details, email me. chicagoadvtg [AT] sbcglobal.net
Comment by Harun Bahri — July 10, 2008 @ 2:02 pm
Hey Clayton (and fellow readers),

I just stumbled upon a direct mail letter that’s EVEN WORSE than the Advanta piece.

Hard to believe, I know. But take a look for yourself.

I’ve christened it the: "Blah blah blah … Give me money … blah blah" piece.

Enjoy.

http://www.makepeacetotalpackage.com/images/issues/453/comments-horrible-blah-ad.gif

Thanks to Deb Holder.

Cheers.

Harun Bahri

PS. Thanks Graham and David for uploading this for me.

PPS. @ ‘B Fish’ (post #72), that is an absolutely hilarious post!
Comment by Len — July 10, 2008 @ 2:13 pm
Well Harun, you just might have answered the question of who trained the BLAH copywriter who’s working for Advanta…

;^)
Comment by Dale — July 10, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
RE: John Richardson, golf on the moon.

Come on John, don’t you think the astronauts deserved a break? After spending hours collecting rocks and moon dirt, taking pictures, and running tests to keep scientists busy for years, the astronauts were entitled to a little fun. Alan Shepard’s little stunt sold more golf balls than Advanta’s blah blah letter sold credit cards, although only Alan knew which company made the ball. (The golf ball companies used it in their advertising.)

That stunt probably cost less than the mailing of a couple hundred blah blah letters. I wouldn’t be surprised if eventually the ROI on Alan’s golf ball exceeds Advanta’s ROI on the blah blah letter. Whoever returns to the moon and finds that ball won’t have to worry about working again if he or she chooses to sell it.
Comment by Joel — July 10, 2008 @ 5:08 pm
I hate DM Credit card offers, all this mumbo jumbo about what they’re going to do for you … Honestly all I see/ hear in my brain is blah blah blah, no matter what they’ve written … I’m not joking when I say that’s the first DM credit card form I would have filled out. I liked it because, once I got the "joke", I could understand the features it was offering, no nonsense, no BS. "KISS" keep it simple stupid. Maybe I’m not sophisticated enough to need to be "convinced" by good copy, … When I read advertising I tend to disect it while I read, … advertising is designed to do one thing … make me part with my money, so when I read "copy" I’m cutting through the crap anyways. The "blah" DM was actually refreshing. …may not be the best "copy" to sell everything, and YES whoever got paid for that probably got OVER paid, but it’s not the worst thing I’ve seen in my opinion.
Cheers.
Comment by Peter — July 10, 2008 @ 6:11 pm
Hi Clayton,
watched this thread with great interest. It really has pulled a lot of coments and ideas… which is good for creative people.

How about this…

All banks and Credit Card providers screw their customers.
At Avanta we screw you less.

Pick up your phone. Dial xxx.xxx.xxx right now and and ask to speak to Belinda. She’ll show you how to get unscrewed.

Peter
Comment by RRG — July 10, 2008 @ 7:32 pm
The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.

Like a smorgasbord for the obsese….the response with the Advanta clip is one of the most highly forms of mass emotionalism I have seen for awhile….
Comment by B Fish — July 10, 2008 @ 8:39 pm
All of this reeks of the worst Madison Ave stuff. It’s all about how clever the ad is - forget the product. The second I smell an infantile "Look at me. How clever I am" approach I’m gone. Even before the first blah. The Advanta follow up post was more of the same, "Look at me. I’m viral!" Like Clayton says, if it doesn’t sell the product, it doesn’t have any value. Real cleverness is so clever you don’t notice it - you just reach into your wallet and pay.

By the way, thanks for the comments about the General. He is no longer with me. He stole my credit card and set up his own marketing website. Please don’t send him any money.
Comment by Seth Chong — July 10, 2008 @ 8:49 pm
But actually, I felt a little guilty.

I was thinking of getting a credit card
since it’s my 19th birthday.

And their offer seems compelling
since there really are many blah
blahs around the industry.

Too many credit cards to choose from.

They’re right on:
"Only facts anyway"

Direct response wise I thought it’s stupid.

But memorable/attention wise…
man, I’d look forward to their next offer.
Sure entertained us for a while.

Perhaps I just haven’t received enough
credit card mails in the mailbox.
Comment by Seth Chong — July 11, 2008 @ 12:08 am
This’ no doubt the worst though.

Advanta did it with some flair at least.

This? Phew, good luck.

###Quote Harun###
Hey Clayton (and fellow readers), I just stumbled upon a direct mail letter that’s EVEN WORSE than the Advanta piece. Hard to believe, I know. But take a look for yourself. I’ve christened it the: "Blah blah blah … Give me money … blah blah" piece. Enjoy. http://www.makepeacetotalpackage.com/images/issues/453/comments-horrible-blah-ad.gif Thanks to Deb Holder. Cheers. Harun Bahri PS. Thanks Graham and David for uploading this for me. ## End Quote ##
Comment by Chui Tey — July 11, 2008 @ 12:13 am
Bah. Credit cards are commodity-like products. The offer is pretty straightforward. If enough people get curious enough to open the envelope, they’ll see the offer.

The CC industry ought to be indicted for lack of product innovation. How many decades has it been since reward points were introduced? What was the last innovation in the credit card product space?

Direct mail credit card offers should be printed on compost-friendly paper, perhaps with embedded flower seeds and manure. At least the mailing would not be a total loss for the environment.
Comment by Patrick Lever — July 11, 2008 @ 4:15 am
Dear Clayton,

A LITTLE ASIDE ABOUT FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE

The Pony Express was the first method used in the United States to transfer credit. It later became a little company called, American Express.

Times change, so does the way we do business.

I don’t know about you but, I’m sick of hearing about credit card companies that promise the same old blah, blah.

THEY’RE ALL THE DAMM SAME!

I can hear you saying it and guess what, I agree
But start up your engines…

THERE’S A NEW KID ON THE BLOCK!

And believe me, this card will change the way you think about boring old credit cards.

Redesigned from the ground up,

This is not a personal card tricked up around the edges to look like some corporate big shot.
This is THE business card the others will try to copy.
This card will turn the others on their heads!

Check this out:
Unlimited rewards
Cash rewards
Travel rewards
Merchandise rewards

And what about this, You need to promote your business at every opportunity. Right?

IMAGINE A CREDIT CARD THAT GAVE YOUR BUSINESS EQUAL BILLING, THAT’S RIGHT CUSTOMISED WITH YOUR BUSINESS DETAILS ON IT - A QUALITY IMAGE?

YOU BET!

And another thing, businesses have employees - funny that. What about an employee card with no fees, no costs, zilch, ever!

What’s that, you don’t care? (I bet your accountant will!) Ok then how about this, all those extra points earned go to you, the business owner, where they always should have. (It’s yours after all)

Am I making any sense here? Here’s two words for you,
USER FRIENDLY.

Nothing worse than "I’m sorry we don’t take that card here!" Inconvenient and just a little embarrasing as far as I’m concerned, but with Mastercard as you host provider and Auctiva Platinum your platform, you have prestige combined with Worldwide acceptance.

With Zero percent APR on balance transfers
9.9% on varable APR
Dramatically simplified application form

Clayton, don’t you think it’s time business owners like you got a break?

How about this. Advanta Platinum recognizes that whilst it’s nice to be the boss, that old saying, ‘It’s lonely at the top’ really has a lot of truth to it.

Under Advanta’s business mentoring program, for the next six months, top ranking management and business coaches will contact you via email with priceless advice on subjects like:

Get the biggest bang for your buck from your next advertising campaign.
Give these tips to you accountant and ask him if he’s using them.
Secrets your office manager needs to know.
And many more.

Written in a non boring conversational fashion, easy to read and easy to impliment. Designed to make your job easier.

Look if you’re the type who want’s the fine print, it’s all there on the last page, or on our website idontjustwantblahblahblah.com

But if you are like me, and want the bottom line, here’s the washup.

No establishment fee
Unlimited rewards
Travel rewards
Merchandise rewards
No fee employee cards
points accrued by parent card holder
0% on varible APR
9.9% variable APR
Bi monthly mentoring e-letters on, (optional)
Accounting tips
Management tips
Credit Card secrets
Office manager secrets
Accountancy tactics and hints
Super personalised (your business) corporate card
Etc, etc.

Look Clayton, Just Advanta’s free mentoring program would be worth thousands of real dollars, if you were to go out and buy it. You’re getting it here for free. Some people will recognize this as an opportunity and pick up a pen and use it now to fill out the super simplified opt in form, if that’s you, welcome aboard Clayton, I guarantee, you could never make a wiser decision.
Comment by Kevin Tjia — July 11, 2008 @ 4:33 am
Providing Small BusinessesWith Solutions For Over 50 Years   Credit Card Companies are
TAKING YOUR SMALL BUSINESS MONEY
and it’s time to take it back!

Get 10% of everything you charge to your small business credit card back in cash!

Details Inside. Clayton Makepeace
The Total Package
P.O. Box 750
Waynesville, NC 28786
U.S.
July 10, 2008Clayton MakepeaceThe Total PackageP.O. Box 750Waynesville, NC, 28786
USDear Clayton Makepeace,

We know that as a Small Business owner you work hard for your money so when your lending institution doesn’t treat your money with the respect it deserves it can be very frustrating.

Thousands of small businesses submit applications every year to credit card companies in an effort to give them financial breathing room, a spending allowance to grow their business, or a simpler way to track their employee expenses.

These companies are often met with high interest rates, and a small selection of rewards that are offered with the card as a meager way to tempt them to choose one card over another.

Many of the reward systems used today are rigid, and have a maximum reward allowance or they do not offer benefits for purchases made on secondary cards. Those credit card companies are telling you that your reward system is only going to do so much, and then it is of no use for you.

We would like to paint a different picture for you; one with:

·         Unlimited Rewards: There is no limit to the amount of Reward Points that you can accumulate from purchases made on your credit card.

·         Cash Rewards: You can redeem your reward points for 10% of your purchase value back in cash. As long as you have the points there is no limit on how many times you can do this!

·         Travel Rewards: No more having to save frequent flyer points on one card, and cash back on another. You can redeem your Reward Points for travel rewards!

·         Merchandise Rewards: You can redeem your Reward Points for merchandise from exclusive retailers in your area!

When you add up your bank cards, credit cards, and the miscellaneous cards from movie rental places, libraries, etc you end up with a lot of plastic in your pocket. If you could personalize your credit card you would never mistake it for any other card again; and now you can!

How is all of this possible?

Advanta is committed to small business solutions and we have put together the best small business credit card there is! All of the benefits listed above and more!

·         Unlimited Rewards: Each net dollar that you spend on purchases with Advanta Card earns you 1 Reward Point, and there is no limit to the amount of Reward Points that you can accumulate.

·         Cash Rewards: You can redeem your reward points for 10% of your purchase value back in cash. As long as you have the points there is no limit on how many times you can do this!

·         Travel Rewards: No more having to save frequent flyer points on one card, and cash back on another. You can redeem your Reward Points for travel rewards!

·         Merchandise Rewards: You can redeem your Reward Points for merchandise from exclusive retailers in your area!

·         No Fee Employee Cards: You can get extra cards for your employees for an easier way to track company expenses! And better yet, your employee’s purchases work for you!

·         Employee Card Reward Points: All purchases made on any employee card add Reward Points to your original account as if you were making the purchase yourself!

·         0% APR On Balance Transfers: An introductory offer of 0% APR on all balances moved to your Advanta small business card for up to 9 months!

·         0% Fraud Liability: Should you be the victim of identity theft, or an unforeseen fraudulent action be taken on your account you are not financially obligated in any way!

·         9.99% variable APR on all purchases! Stop paying the high interest rates of other credit cards, and keep your money where it belongs – in your pocket!

·         A little short on Reward Points for that dream vacation? NO PROBLEM! Up to 120,000 Reward Points can be purchased from Advanta. All charges for purchased points are charged directly to your Avanta card!

We know that your business needs are flexible, and that is why we have created a flexible reward program that suits your business. Low variable interest rate, 0% APR on all balance transfers, a flexible reward program, an employee card that benefits your reward program, and 0% fraud liability all add up to a card that allows you to invest in yourself, and what you want.

It’s time to take your money back!

Transfer your balance from another credit card with a higher interest rate to your Advanta card and keep the difference that you will save with lower interest!

Use your Advanta Card for all your small business purchases and earn reward points equivalent to 10% cash back – that’s 10% of your cash returned to you!

Applying is easy – simply complete the form on the reverse side of this page and mail it back to us, or visit our website at http://www.Advanta.com. We will contact you as soon as we have confirmation of your application and approval. For your convenience we provide daily updates on the status of your application on our website.

Please read the enclosed Terms & Conditions for more important details about your Advanta Small Business Credit Card.

Sincerely,

J. P. Someone
Small Business Manager
Advanta
“Your Small Business Solutions
Provider For Over 50 Years.”
Comment by Kevin Tjia — July 11, 2008 @ 4:36 am
Unfortunately the formatting didn’t work as I had hoped. This is my first attempt at ad copy, so any feedback is appreciated. No sense in derailing Clayton’s topic however; if you would like to give me suggestions please email them to me at ktjis@rogers.com.

Thanks!!

Kevin
Comment by Susan Connors — July 11, 2008 @ 4:46 am
They should be sacked! You got his crap! These people need to look at the attention they want to generate. Positive is better than negative ..sure people will look …what effect are the company trying to acheive? Shock ..yes.. it does get the readers attention..also it sickens me! If these people are a finance related company, then how can prospective clients have any faith in the success of a partnership with them?

Blah, blah, is generally used here in Australia when someone is being sarcastic and doesn’t give a hoopla for anything the person is saying. It is very negative and not good to have at all.

What about the other countries? What does blah..blah mean to you?

Or another instance blah..blah is used is in conversation as a shortcut..like "blah..blah.. you know how it all works".

Sue in Aus
Comment by Susan Connors — July 11, 2008 @ 5:09 am
Went to the companies website..definitely different. Blah Blah rambles on ..is rubbish.

Clayton, on the reverse side of the letter, were the rewards and so on explained more?

Yes, I could attempt to rewrite this letter, which other people have done. I don’t know what is on the back and to get a better perspective, it would be handy to know what types of physical rewards etc are on the back. This may sound silly to others and I understand that.

For me, I need to get an idea of the "whole picture" for anything I write to work. It would be like having a glass half full of water..is it half full or half empty? It could go either way..

Thanks for this opportunity and sharing it with us. My last piece I thought was crappola looks good to me now.

This company is a bank! I sincerely hope they can get some money back and don’t go bankrupt if this is how they advertise and do business..:)

Still I wish them well because we all can learn some valuable lessons.

Sue in Aus
Comment by deanna — July 11, 2008 @ 8:02 am
Thanks for sharing that other blahblahblah sales letter, Seth. It’s appalling! It’s one thing to get "creative" with a credit card offer, but if an organization is asking me for money, they darn well better say something more to me than just blahblahblah! I’m willing to bet their response is in the toilet!

Deanna
Comment by Eugenie — July 11, 2008 @ 1:29 pm
To answer Sue from Aus, blah blah is used in the UK for anything that’s dull, repetitive, annoying, boring - stuff that you just want to tune out. And what’s your response when yet another card DM plops through the letterbox in that nano-second before you move it in one efficient movement straight into the recycling bin? Blah.

So to repeat the point I made a few days ago: I can see this approach working here - not as a blanket mailing but with some (mainly younger) audiences. Humour is not a complete DM no-no in the UK and irony is allowed.

Advanta don’t (as far as I can see) have a UK-specific card so I doubt they’ll be marketing it to any businesses here. Shame - that would have been an interesting one to monitor!

The student pitch, on the other hand, is just plain, jaw-droppingly, toe-curlingly appalling - in absolutely every possible respect - and would meet exactly the same reaction this side of the Pond!
Comment by Patrick Lever — July 11, 2008 @ 4:32 pm
Re comment #72 (B Fish)

Dear General Ngombo

I have received a letter from your collegue - the former Minister of State Finances for the Nigerian Parliment.

He states that he is aware of your transgressions whilst serving with the Royal Nigerian Armed Forces and on the board of governers at the Nigerian Petroleum Corporation.

He has pointed out that it was indeed unfortunate that your major was in gun running and forced political executions, and not in accounting, because the 120 million you have squirreled away, was not in US dollars, but Nigerian Boomla! With a total net worth of $1.73.00 USD.

But all is not lost, because the former minister and myself have formed a partnership and because his major is accounting, has successfully bailed up two hundred and twenty trillion Boomla, which, as you would admit, is one hell of a lot of Boomla! And this has opened up a true opportunity for your good self.

Rush a check off immediately for the sum of only $1,000.00 USD to share in this vast quantity of ill gotten gains.

I will then need your Bank account details ( to send you the two hundred and twenty trillion Boomla for safekeeping) Also of course I will need your telephone banking password, a copy of your driving licence and passport and a clear head and shoulders picture of yourself for identity purposes when we are coming to meet at your bank for the handing over of the monies in US dollars. (You of course keep 20% which is usual in these circumstances)

Many thanks for your co-operation in this matter and I hope that some of your windfall can be used in the rehibilitation of your poor nephew, Allblah Nocattle and his affliction with the Syphillis.

Oh and thank you for the offer of the Advanta credit card with the unlimited travel rewards but I already have one and what a wonderful credit card it indeed is offering the unlimited milage points with me and the minister having the travelling needs sometimes at the drop of a hat!

Kindest regards to you and the Ngombo family

Prince Blahini ~~and the Advanta team~~
(Former heir to the Nigerian Throne and rightful owner of all Nigerian Boomla ever printed)

PS. See General, its not really stealing, merely accounting! Looking forward to your check.
Comment by Patrick Lever — July 11, 2008 @ 4:39 pm
LEGAL ACTION PENDING

Take Notice Clayton Makepiece, Tony Flores all employees and legal council associated in the orchestration of this current attack on the credibility of the Auctiva credit card marketing campaign.

Without prejudice, Be it known to all and sundry that I Patrick Lever, intend to take immediate action and pursue a claim for damages for a severely hunched back, red, tear filled eyes and stomach cramps from excessive laughing!

You have been warned!
Comment by Susan Connors — July 11, 2008 @ 5:09 pm
Hello again ..you folks will be sick of me before to much longer

Thank you Eugenie for letting me know the UK thoughts for Blah Blah. It seems to be a common meaning in many places. Humor is allowed here in Aus and some of the adverts we see here are very different.

Even this type of letter, via the Advanta example, would make the young people I know laugh. My six year old son saw the letter and said "mommy what is that?". I told him a letter and he said "untidy mom". Now coming straight from the horses mouth of an innocent six year old boy, that is pretty bad.

Some people would go for this advert as it is different. Then again, what types of clients would be responding to the advert? Would they be the type to repay their debts or otherwise spend too much and get into financial trouble?

In my twenties ..seems a century over….I made one of the stupidest mistakes of my life. I had sucker written all over my face when I walked into this car yard. I already had a nice car, good job and could afford repayments.

My partner and everyone else were getting new cars and I felt I had to "keep up with them". Keeping up appearances..so to speak.. yes, I know a lot better now! So I read this great advert in the paper granting finances to everyone who applied.

Yes, I got my car at a huge interest rate. Kept the car for 18 months, went bankrupt, lost the car and my business due to my business partners errors. Ended up moving home with my parents single and broke. It pays never to extend yourself beyond your means..otherwise the result can take years to repair…mainly your name and reputation.

So, this type of advert such as Advanta will entice some people. As to the rest, who knows…

If someone can learn from my mistakes that is good!

I will have a go at re-doing the letter and see what angle to come from. There are some excellent examples in already.

Congratulations to all.

Sue in Aus
Comment by Tony — July 11, 2008 @ 6:01 pm
To all of you who write sales letters in here :
Please remember that the target market is small business owners. You’re not selling anything to a small business owner (or pretty much any professional) by using words like "Damn", "what the hell", or other profanity - especially since this is Direct Mail Marketing and you are a stranger to them.

Tony
Comment by Patrick Lever — July 11, 2008 @ 8:03 pm
Sorry Tony, but ‘Damn’ is certainly not a prohibited cuss word in Australia where I hail from and would not be considered a profanity by any of the business professionals I know or have trained, but I bow to your better judgement and agree that in retrospect appealing to a wider market requires that perhaps some words be added to my prohibited list.

Thanks Tony

Patrick
Comment by Susan Connors — July 11, 2008 @ 8:06 pm
I goofed..please accept my apologies Clayton and Tony. I have re-read the letter and the information is on the back of the response device.

Sue in Aus
Comment by Susan Connors — July 11, 2008 @ 8:17 pm
Being curious, how was the enclosed Rewards Program Overview for clarity and clearness of information? (Being a total sticky beak, wondering if they were better laid out and clearer in information?)
Comment by Susan Connors — July 11, 2008 @ 9:49 pm
ENTRY FOR NEW SALES LETTER

Clayton Makepeace and The Profit Center
PO Box 750
Waynesville, NC 28786 12 July 2008 Dear Mr. Makepeace Thank you for your valuable time! You are extremely busy running your business and here comes another credit card offer. No, we are not just after your money - our clients are important to us here at Advanta. Our focus is small business! Here, you count, are not just another number on the computer system. Real people working together, helping you succeed the way you deserve! How. I hear you ask?
Saving money: 0% APR on your account balance transfer for 9 billing cycles Competitive rates! $0 fraud liability – theft protection Customize your card No annual fee No limit to the total rewards you can earn Cash back awards – Earn 5% cash back on gas, office supplies, computer equipment, utilities, cell phones, Internet Services Plus 1% on all other purchases Travel Rewards – instead of using cash, back, choose travel rewards. No fee Employee Cards (Please see the enclosed Rewards Enclosed Program for more information). Simple online secure banking In today’s economy we understand the need to stay competitive. Advanta support small business in all ways possible. See an example http://www.ideablob.com You are important! In building a relationship on trust, service and commitment, Advanta want to see you succeed. We started in 1951 with just $30 in seed money. Through working with small business we are now one of the largest providers in the country (through Advanta Corp). We still remember what its like to be a small or start-up business. If we can be of service please fill out the attached forms or call us on 1-800-508-1043 Alternatively go online to http://www.blahblahsite.com to fill out our simple online application. Wishing you continued success, John F. Moore Advanta
Comment by Susan Connors — July 11, 2008 @ 9:55 pm
I am sorry for the formatting errors..I don’t know what went wrong
Comment by Andy Bacon — July 12, 2008 @ 9:16 am
Hi Clayton,
I ran across your site two months ago and I have to say it has really opened my eys. I have already learned more than I knew I didn’t know. Tha’s a great feeling. Your site is packed with great info and I thank you. I had fun with this weeks asignment.

(envelope teaser)
WHOSE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU?

(body)
ARE YOU TIRED OF THE LIES? TIRED OF THE FALSE PROMISES? TIRED OF THE SMOKE AND MIRRORS?
SEEMS LIKE GETTING THE SHAFT IS THE AMERICAN WAY ANY MORE. YOU WORK LIKE A DOG DAY IN AND DAY OUT WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE HAS THIER HANDS IN YOUR POCKET. ALL YOU GET ARE THE CRUMBS LEFT OVER FROM YOUR HARD WORK.

THIS NEEDS TO STOP NOW.

Are you tired of being screwed over? Are you ready for the truth? Are you ready for the help you deserve to put your credit cards in order? Read on for important information you can use to fight back. Learn how TAKING CARE of YOURSELF is priceless and timeless.

It’s been the same for years. My Grandpa lived to be 94. He worked hard every day of his life, raised a family, gave back to the community, and taught us many important lessons. A big one was DON’T TRUST BANKERS.

You know what I mean. You get those credit card offers from the BIG BANKS every day telling you what a great deal they are. Sure. A great deal for the FAT CAT BANKERS. Right now they’re probably sitting on their fancy boats drinking foo-foo drinks with little umbrellas and laughing about the new hidden charge their going to put into the little, teeny print on the back of page 9. All the time laughing about there being a sucker born every minute.

They have a fee for this, a charge for that, and the interest rate changes faster than two bankers rushing out the door at lunch time. Pages of legal gobbledy gook in print so small you couldn’t read the terms even if they were in English.

We say NO MORE BUSINESS AS USUAL.

It’s time for a new card to help you. A card that you can use to grow your business instead of a one designed to suck your account dry. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a card that worked FOR YOU? Then welcome to the club.

At ADVANTA we are dedicated to giving you the card and service you deserve.
- GET FREE MONEY FOR 9 MONTHSTransfer your balances from those other High Cost cards and get 0% interest for 9 months. Use the interest you save to pay down the balance or invest in your business to let it grow even bigger.
-KEEP YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY IN YOUR POCKET The regular rate for our small business card is a low 4.74% plus prime. This means your money stays in your pocket working for YOU, not being paid out in outrageous interest rates to some BIG BANK.

-LET YOUR BUSINESS EXPENSES ALMOST MANAGE THEMSELVESYour No-Fee employee cards will make it simple to find out who is spending what. No more wasting hours searching through credit card bills and missing yours kids’ activities. Be their hero again.

AND THAT’S NOT ALL
At ADVANTA we believe you deserve rewards for running your business. With this card you can rack up unlimited reward points. You can choose between cash rewards, travel rewards, or merchandise rewards. It’s your choice because the rewards are YOURS.
PLUS
You can customize your card for the look you want. Let your card express your business identity. What ever you want. You deserve it.
Turn the tables on those BIG GREEDY BANKS and spend just a few moments filling out the reply card. It’s Quick, It’s Easy, and It’ll Let YOU Sick it to those greedy bankers. Mail it today and take back control.
Comment by Andy Bacon — July 12, 2008 @ 9:19 am
Correction,
The envelope teaser should have read WHO’S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU?
(I need another cup of coffee)
Comment by Joyce W Muturi-Kioi — July 12, 2008 @ 3:46 pm
BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! Dear Clayton,First let me begin by thanking both you and Tony for the invaluable emails I have recently been receiving with so many tips on how to improve my copywriting skills. I am an aspiring copywriter and in this regard, if my analysis of the ADVANTA sales copy is kind of different from most of the ones you have already received, I hope you will understand where I am coming from.The Envelope As a mother, like so many mothers out there, I have, through the years, received many letters, birthday cards, drawings etc. from my children, many of which I was expected to applaud and also understand the meaning behind the scribbling. Many times I observed the glaring eyes of a three year old waiting impatiently for my response to what she or he thought was a well crafted piece of artistic Blah! But you know what? Each time, (and it is difficult to count the zillions of times I received such master pieces from each one of my children), I couldn’t help but respond with an enthusiastic smile to my young ones.This envelop reignited those early memories, and you know what? It caught my attention and curiosity, and I could not wait to see what was inside the envelope. What this envelop did was to arouse curiosity within me and I just had to find out what content was concealed within this Blah envelope.The Body The writer begins the letter in a rather crafty and clever way by introducing his mysterious offer which again left me with a feeling of curiosity that I must read everything until I find or figure out what it was all about. He then goes on to trigger more emotions by calmly telling his reader, “we thought you’d really enjoy.” Enjoy what? I asked myself as I hurried on with the Blah, blah hoping soon I would find something that will give me more clues. But the reader realizes immediately that by the writer crafting his copy this way, he really did not mean to offend anyone but rather he hoped it would entertain. For me it has done just that, but again, maybe it is because I am a mother who is used to many Blah, blahs.But I must say, since most of us receive similar offers in the mail, they are all so standard that if you have a credit card that is servicing you well you really have no time to open them all let alone read them. But this Blah, blah made me open the mail this time. Curiosity coupled with anxiety! But yet again, maybe that is just because I am a mother who is used to many Blahs.Granted, the copy is shorter than what we are normally used to these days. But for those of us from the Baby Boomer generation, that was not always the case. BUT! The way the writer highlighted the FEATURES and BENEFITS is amazing, and I think someone who can weave his way through a sales copy like this one has to have a Creative Mind.
The Close The writer’s brief but to the point statement cleverly placed to the bottom right of the sales copy, “We thought you’d really only be interested in the facts anyway”, triggers sympathetic emotions within, making it easier for the reader to relate to him and almost wish to reach out and console the writers concern. With this sympathetic feeling toward the writer, it is then easy for the reader to look at the layout of the letter as nothing more that a piece of Entertainment which also informs of the numerous benefits this offer brings. He builds his credibility by providing the reader with his telephone number and details of his website so that the reader can check his organization out if he so wishes.The P.S. Here the writer once again highlights one of the main benefits of his offer. And directly to the right of the P.S. he stamps his seal of Quality by cleverly placing the beautiful Logo of the MasterCard and inciting the reader’s desire to possess this beautiful piece of creation. The writer does not stop there. He goes a step further and directs the reader (in red), to the reverse of the letter where Rates, Rewards and other information is offered. This again stirs emotions that tell the reader, “there is more and I must read on to find out”. And so! I moved on to find out what more was being offered. My curious mind was racing me to the reverse side and I just couldn’t wait any longer. Then again, I am just a mother looking for more Blah, blahs.The Response DeviceAt last! Here comes the revelation of what all the Blah, blah is about. “Advanta Platinum Business Card”. Well placed as a Headline should, and proudly inviting the reader to its Majestic Offer, and complimented by the ADVANTA Seal of Quality, all that I could say is Wow! I am glad I kept reading and following the writer through. The Urgency of the offer is well placed directly below this Headline and without further delay, the writer directs the reader to “Call to Action” for the purchase of this beautiful card.The writer continues to remind the reader of one of the strong benefit of the No-Fee Employee Credit cards. He carefully points the reader to the Rationale that, as an added bonus, “the minimum credit line on additional cards will be $20,000 per card” which is another incentive for the reader. The writer does not forget to remind his prospect of the many benefits as he places the 0% APR for 9 months at a most conspicuous position.As the writer comes to the close of the Response Devise, he once again points to the urgency for the reader to take immediate Action. He assures the reader that his Application for the card will be processed fast making the reader picture himself as one who will soon become the proud owner of an ADVANTA MASTER CARD.The professional manner in which the Response Devise has been laid out with much clarity, gives the reader the confidence that he can trust this writer to provide him with a first class quality product. The Back of the Response Device Blah, blah, blah, and….. more blah!The writer led us through his copy with intrigue and curiosity. And now that the reader has taken “Action” for this prestigious card, the writer decides to exit the same way he introduced his offer by bringing back that sense of entertainment which makes the reader feel as if the writer is already a friend. At the center of all his Blahs, the writer places more benefits leaving the reader with a feeling that taking this action to enroll for the card was a justifiable Action. Final Comments As I stated at the beginning of this long analysis of the Blah, blah sales copy, I am a mother who, in the early years when my children were young, experienced some of the most exciting and memorable moments that only a child can give to a parent. In that regard, the copywriter of this piece of a sales copy really got through to me and rekindled those old sweet memories. To be honest, he has already sold the ADVANTA MasterCard to me.I personally feel that this copywriter is a Creative Genius who has experimented on all kinds of styles and decided to once again put his creative mind to work. As far as I am concerned, he has succeeded. Please note that is only my humble opinion.I know I am just an aspiring copywriter and my positive comments may not necessarily be what you were expecting, but I am eagerly looking forward to read Clayton’s wise analysis of this Blah! Piece of work. I have a lot to learn and I may have put my future career on line by giving this copywriter of the Blah an A+, but Mr. Clayton’s critical analysis will enlighten me and I will be happy to learn more as I continue to pursue my dream of one day becoming a successful copywriter.I realize I may have been rather thorough in my comments but I needed to do an analysis for every section of the letter. Thank you for the opportunity to critique the “Blah Blah” sales copy and express my views.With Kind Regards,Joyce W. Muturi-KioiSilver Springs, Maryland
Comment by Patrick Lever — July 12, 2008 @ 5:50 pm
Hey Joice, what’s your street name and number?

Have I got a deal for you!

Patrick
Comment by Susan Connors — July 12, 2008 @ 5:55 pm
Envelope : "Your business is our business!"

Sales Letter:

Clayton Makepeace and The Profit Centre
P.O. Box 750
Waynesville, NC 28786

12 July 2008

Dear Mr Makepeace
P.O. Box 750
Waynesville, NC 28786

13 July 2008

Dear Mr Makepeace

Thank you first for your valuable time!

You are extremely busy running your business and time is money. We are here to save you money. The Advanta Credit Card is tailored specifically for small businesses.

How are we different?

What can we offer you that will make the difference between saving and spending money?

Time and Convenience:-

Less hassle and paper free transactions. Our online banking is simple, easy, secure and available anytime.Competitive rates0% APR on the first 9 billing cycles$0 Fraud liablity - you are covered for theft of your cardRewards - choose how you spend your rewards - either Cash Back or Travel. Select from a wide range of merchandise from gasoline, office supplies to accommodation. (See enclosed Rewards brochure for more information)No fee employee credit cardsSecurity of being one of the largest banks in the Nation.Advanta started out in 1951 with just $30 in seed money. We understand how important start up and small businesses are - the unique needs and running costs.

We support small business in many ways. For an example of this please go to http://www.ideablob.com.

Thank you again for taking the time to read this letter.

If we can be of any assistance, please fill in the enclosed form or phone us on 1-800-508-1043.

Alternatively, go online and use the simple form at http://www.blahblahsite.com.

To your continued success!

John F. Moore
Advanta
Comment by Susan Connors — July 12, 2008 @ 6:54 pm
RANDOM THOUGHTS ON SALES LETTERS

Here in the regional areas of Australia we get excited about junk mail as its termed here. Living in towns people get bombarded with the direct mail and brochures as that is where most people live. Townies (affectionately called) get tired of these. Where as people like me living out of town Crave them LOL

When I get a piece of well written, laid out advertisements etc, I appreciate the thought that has gone into them. People who don’t work in the print/advertising/public relations areas often have no idea the amount of time and research into creating a product.

I am by no means an expert ..my areas of speciality are in advertorials/editorials/articles/interviews/proofreading for online and print publications here in Australia.

Every area of writing and industry has its own specifics ..needs/expectations/quality etc. It wasn’t until 3 - 4 years ago that I realized what I do has a name and I found that out through here :) Copywriter/Freelance Writer

I have a lot of study to do as most of what I do comes from experience and "gut" feel. An idea…

Now I have much to learn. In a sales letter in the snail mail, to me, the introduction letter needs to be short and get the readers attention. To make them want to see what the other attachments in the envelopes are..create some enthusiasm and a reason to keep reading. The attached brochures need to be easy to read, with good copy (product descriptions) and pictures. If something is to cluttered or doesn’t have enough information then I won’t read any further.

Time is important and we all have the same amount in our lives. I will read something even if I haven’t actually given it prior thought, if well written.

Now the sales letters on the internet are an entirely different kettle of fish so to speak. The basics are the same. The audience is different, has tens of thousands, of other places to go, products to checkout and attention span is very short.

This area is new to me the online sale letters, I have to be honest, I get bored silly reading the letters that go for ages and ages. Finally to ask for money and the rest. Faulty checkout systems, no support and so on.

I will read one that is well written and is concise…creative..short points well thought out. Testimonials and so on are beneficial as well. I find that videos are helpful and so are pdf’s in situations.
Information that is crammed and makes the eyes squint is not to my liking.

So in the creation of the online sales letter, it is different to normal mail we get in out letter box. This is where the material put out by Clayton and team is invaluable in learning this new material and making the most of it.

Also, on the internet, the writing needs to be short..often content needs to be kept to 200 - 300 words per page as this is the attention span of the reader. It isn’t like a magazine where the reader is the captive ..the writing is in front of them in their hands.
The internet reader is there for a second, and if you miss the mark the first time, you have lost them. Very hard to get back…

Anyway that is enough of my ramblings. Thank you everyone for your valuable thoughts, feedback and more..inspiration.

Thank you Clayton and team for being the mentors for inspiring copywriters/marketers/small business owners and so on.

Looking forward to seeing who wins.. Now to go and check out the archives

Sue in Aus

PS: Thank you for putting up with the formatting goofups I have had in previous posts (still working out the spacing and so on with this text box
Comment by David Phillips — July 12, 2008 @ 10:12 pm
Clayton,
Just a note about this so called viral piece of you know what. If you don’t want to take the time to create an offer irresistable in nature for the client then don’t try to baffle them with bs.
If you want to use a facts only approach then tell a story using Jack Webb’s line of "the facts and Just the facts ma’am" then give the facts as clues as to why you would want to switch to the Advanta card. You could lead the reader down the road following the clues given to Friday until you built the case for the offer and gave the reader a reason to do business with you.
Comment by David Phillips — July 12, 2008 @ 10:40 pm
A bit more on the idea of the Joe Friday Dragnet theme. The envelope:
"Inside are the facts and just the facts just for you’

The Sales Letter:
Clayton Makepeace and The Profit Centre
P.O. Box 750
Waynesville, NC 28786Mr. Makepeace,
Realizing you are a busy professional and as Joe Friday says ‘the facts and just the facts" are what you need to make an intelligent informed decision regarding our offer to you and your business.
As a reward to you for doing business with Advanta we are prepared to offer the following benefits for you. You will receive unlimited rewards and they can be cash, merchandise or travel rewards.
Next fact is a vatiable apr of 9.9% for 9 months on purchases as well as no fee employee cards for your vital employees.
Even though you may not desire to you have the ability to customize the look of your card with a look matching your company image.
To take advantage of your limited time offer use the enclosed reply card today and we will rush your card to you at once.
Thanks for your time,

John F Moore
Advanta
PS You have the option of transfering balances to your new Advanta card at 0% apr.

Response card:
John I have read the facts and here is the number of cards I need.
Comment by Kevin Tjia — July 13, 2008 @ 3:13 am
The ‘BlahBlah’ campaign and the idea for a ‘just the facts’ is problematic because they feature the ‘facts’ about the product but to not feature the target audience what so ever.

By highlighting the ‘facts’ about the credit card you only calling into question a straight-up comparison between one credit card and another. Any one with half a brain can compare credit card interest rates, realize that most cards will give them a great rate (even 0%) for the first 6 or 9 months if the transfer their balance from another card, and that they can enroll in some sort of benefit program.

The other problem is that 99.9% of the credit card fliers out there do just that - feature the card.

If you want to get someone’s attention you should feature them in your conversation - people don’t get tired of that. I’d also like to point out featuring someone doesn’t mean flatter them; that comes up as a red flag for sales.

This add doesn’t tell the target audience how the card is going to help them in any way. It forces them to think about the statistics of the card instead of how the card can become a feature within their own lives.

There are hundreds of credit cards, and thousands of similar products out there - from toasters to cars. Selling them on the product alone still allows the customer to see at least a handful of any product as ‘the same’ as each other.

Take these same 5 items and show the customer how YOUR product will improve their life, and make the purchase an investment; show them value where others show them ‘features’ and you will have a sale.

Kevin Tjia
Comment by Shanika — July 14, 2008 @ 12:28 am
I was actually hoping that was a joke and not a real sales letter. I was really looking for you to say, "Just kidding. That’s not the real letter. Who in the world would send someone that?"

I was looking for the punchline. I was looking for it. A hidden camera. Something. Alas, no. This is really a letter you received for a credit card. A letter so stupid, my 4 year old godson could’ve wrote a better letter.

All I can say is that gave me more confidence about my sales copy writing than ever. That reminded just actually how decent I am now and how better I will be later. AND WHAT NOT TO DO IF I WANT TO SALE A PRODUCT.

Great example of what not to do. Great motivation of how much better you can become if you just keep writing.
Comment by Kevin Tjia — July 14, 2008 @ 8:27 am
I thought that I would give this another try, and I think this 2nd attempt is better than the first.

-The Envelope-
How To Turn Your Small Business Debt Into More Money In your Pockets!

-The Letter-

Dear Clayton Makepeace,

If you own a small business you are probably aware that it is nearly impossible to run that business without a line of credit or credit card. Whether you have a credit card to make your business purchases easier and easier to track, or because your financial institution insists that you have some business credit before they will allow you to use their small business options, the result is the same - you are snared into a position where credit is a reality for your small business.

This causes me to ask ‘What has your small business credit card done for you lately?’ What interest rate are you paying to be able to use it? Does it offer you a rewards package that is catered for your business?

Most small businesses are paying far too much to be able to use their credit card!

"The average interest rate on standard cards is currently around 13-14%. But the more debt you have, the greater the likelihood that your interest rates is 20% or more.
                    -*-                    -*-
Americans now have nearly $1 trillion outstanding on credit cards. That’s the amount "riding" as balances carried forward every month, on which interest is charged. Nearly half of those accounts are paying only the minimum monthly payment. - Terry Savage, TheStreet.com (April 13, 2008)"

Simply put, people are paying too much for the use of their credit cards and the more you owe the higher interest you’re likely to pay. Simply erasing the debt isn’t a likely going to occur so the only way to get a handle on the situation is to address it head on.

Even if you’re not in the category represented by half of Americans that only pay their minimal monthly balance you are likely still paying more interest for your credit card than you need to. Wouldn’t it be great if there was a way to reduce that interest so you can keep your money in your pocket where it belongs?

There is no trick to it - the solution is simple math. Call your credit card company to ensure you know what your Annual Percentage Rate (APR) is, and then find a card that will beat it. Transfer your existing balance from your old credit card to your new credit card; be sure to take advantage of the initial promotion that most credit card companies offer upon your balance transfer. The less interest you’re paying to the credit card company means you’re saving more money to put back into your business.

Many credit card companies will have a fee associated with the transfer, and many clients don’t realize that these fees may be tax deductable. I suggest you check with your tax advisor for further information on all credit card fees to ensure that you are claiming everything you are eligible for.

Cash withdrawals can and will hurt you.

We have all been in a position where it would be easier to grab some quick cash from our credit card rather than waiting a few days for a client’s cheque to clear but this practice can hurt your bank balance. There are times when this situation cannot be avoided, and when those conditions occur you are usually stuck with just handling the charges as best you can.    With cash withdrawals you will be subject to an immediate charge to your card based on the amount of money that you have withdrawn.

Avoiding this fee is easy; simply do not use this function of your credit card. If that is not an option be sure that you are aware of the fees that you will be charged for your withdrawal so that you can ensure that they are properly budgeted.

Your credit card should be something that you are proud to use.

There are a lot of factors that go into deciding which credit card you are going to use for your small business. The obvious being interest rates, fees, and yearly costs for being a client with that company. But there are many other factors that can make a card worthwhile. Depending on the benefactor of the card you may be limited by which shops will accept the card. Cards that have a restricted number of retailers accepting them limits the number of rewards that you can gather from using your card.

If the credit card brand isn’t accepted at the retailers that you want to frequent then what value does it bring you? Which means that if you want to ensure that you can use the card to benefit your business you’re going to want to go with a large credit card company such as MasterCard - accepted in over 24 million merchant locations.

Let’s review for a moment…. If you want your credit card to make you money you need one that is going to charge you less for using it; the money that you make from moving to a less expensive credit card is in the savings. The more you save the more money you have for your business.

And of course you want a card that isn’t going to limit where you use it or it really isn’t of any use to you. To get this kind of service you will need a card that is backed by a major credit card company - one that is recognized around the world.

What if I told you that it gets better than this?

What if I told you that there is a credit card that exists that has a low interest rate, a great introductory offer, an unlimited rewards program, and best of all… it actually pays you to use it? Let me take a moment to explain what I mean by all of this.

Save Your Money With a Lower Interest Rate.
9.99%* variable rate on all balance transfers and purchases. That’s at least 4% lower than standard interest rates!

0% APR For The First 9 Billing Cycles!
All balances transferred from other accounts won’t be charged interest for the first 9 billing cycles. This gives an excellent opportunity to transfer your balance and pay no interest so you can pay down your existing balance.

No Annual Fee.
Save on another fee that you could do without. Your small business is giving your credit card company enough business - there is no reason for them to add additional fees to your card.

0% Fraud Liability
Fraud and identity theft represents another hassle that you shouldn’t have to worry about. With 0% fraud liability another financial worry is taken away.

I’d like to tell you that the benefits of this card stops there, but I don’t want to withhold anything from you. There is a LOT more that this card has to offer. Taking a quick look at the benefits package would show you this:

Unlimited Rewards!
It is important that we cover this first because this is key! For every dollar you spend on purchases with this card you will earn 1 Reward Point. There is no limit on the number of points that you are allowed to earn. And best of all you can take this Reward Point and turn it into anything you desire - ANYTHING!

Let me show you how…

Earn Unlimited Free Cash!
You can take your unlimited reward points and turn them into CASH! Trade in your points for 1% Cash Back allowing you to use your points to reward yourself in any way that you desire. And there is no limit to the amount of times you can redeem for cash rewards!

When was the last time that your employees paid YOU?
Every purchase made on your employee cards allocates Reward Points to your account at the same rate as if you were making the purchase yourself. This means that you can turn their combined purchases into cash!

Don’t Pay for Travel
This card also boasts an option to turn your Reward Points into travel options. Saving money by having your airfare paid for is certainly an advantage for any small business owner that needs to go out of town to conduct business.

And to Top It All Off - Personalized To Your Business!
Yes, you read that properly! This card can be personalized to have your business name on the front with your business logo. This will help make it easy to identify for you and your employees, and provides invaluable branding for your company.

Ok, I can’t wait any longer… I’m excited to tell you where you can get the card that was independently accredited a 5 Star rating from cardratings.com, and pays for you to use it! The specialists in small business financing for over 50 years brings you the Advanta Small Business MasterCard!

Advanta doesn’t play around with your money; they are in the business of small businesses finances. They have invited only a limited number of small businesses to take advantage of their unique offer. This card is designed with your small business in mind.

All you have to do to get your Advanta Small Business MasterCard is fill out the application form enclosed in this package before the deadline shown on the application. This is a limited offer that you have been carefully selected for - don’t wait until it’s too late.

Sincerely,

J.P Someone
Small Business Manager
Advanta

PS: Be sure to carefully read all information about any credit card that you apply for, including the Advanta Small Business Card. Knowing all of the facts about your card is important for credit management.
Comment by Patrick — July 14, 2008 @ 8:53 am
Ok, I’m rolling up my sleeves, I’ve had enough of this blah, blah, blah.

Envelope: Standard, get past the gopher, tactic, marked, "personal and confidential" A real stamp and non window.

Hi Clayton Makepiece.

I’d like to ask you a question.

DO YOU ENJOY BEING EMBARRASSED?

Can you relate to the following statement?

"I’m sorry, we don’t take that card here!"

The embarrassment seeps up your collar and out your ears. "There go my double rewards points!" You think as your hand reaches for your wallet and you scrabble for a ‘normal’ credit card that you know they will accept and then sheepishly swap cards, feeling as if you were guilty of something far, far worse.

Inconvenient, Embarrassing, Un-rewarding?

I’d have to say yes to all the above, wouldn’t you?

SICK OF IT?
I can tell you, I was so sick of it, I convinced my collegues to produce something so innovative, so outlandish, so smart, it’s on track to turn the credit card industry upside and change everything that business expects from a credit card provider.

Let’s change that first senario, imagine this, you hand your new card to the same person, they take it and look at it intently, then ask, pointing at it, "is this your company?" You of course just smile politely and say simply, "yes."

Just a slight change in status,
wouldn’t you agree?

For the first time, a credit card that gives you, the business owner, equal billing! That’s right, your Company, Logo, details, on your own credit card!

IT’S A PARTNERSHIP

Best of all Auctiva Platinum and Mastercard have co-joined to provide an exciting platform that is acceptable wherever credit cards are welcomed,worldwide.

Beginning to see that Auctiva Platinum is not just a credit card? Boy we’re only just getting started. Your credit card is now your calling card, identifiying your business as fresh, new and, cutting edge.

DITCH THAT BORING OLD CARD!

Transfer your balance from any other card and, of course, enjoy zero changover and interest fees for the next nine months. Zero embarrassment also. (We’ll handle the whole transfer for you.)

YOU NEED ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET.

Let Auctiva give you a professional, polished edge and yes, it is the little things that count. A VIP client notices the little things, in fact, they can make the difference between a sale or the sadness of losing out to your competitors.

Clayton Makepiece, if you are still reading, you need to know, this is not just about image. Look at this quick summary we at Auctiva have put together for you and see if your current provider comes close. (They wont!) Zero establishment fee
Unlimited rewards
Travel rewards
Merchandise rewards
No fee employee cards
points accrued by parent card holder
0% on varible APR
9.9% variable APR
Bi monthly mentoring e-letters on, (optional)
Accounting tips
Management tips
Credit Card secret tips
Manage your office manager tips
Accountancy tactics and hints
Super personalised (your business) corporate card
Etc, etc.

Your business needs lower fees. You need a break from high charges on employees cards. You need the rewards for all those points accrued on those multiple employee cards, after all it was your business that paid for them wasn’t it?

Your business needs a break!

And Advanta Platinum can provide that for you, but we know you are busy so all the benefits are explained in minute detail on the reverse page, please take the opportunity to examine these with your finest toothcomb, but to get started right now, race through our super simplified approval form (I told you we are different!) and in no time flat, we’ll be designing your new card for you.

Start straight away and receive a fantastic secret gift that you will love! (only for the first 400 signups, go ahead, you qualify!)

Any queries or questions call our help desk and speak to a real person who will treat you with respect and answer your questions honestly.

PS. Don’t worry about artwork for your fabulous new personalised credit card, our art dept. will contact you as soon as your new account is established and your fabulous free gift has been dispatched to you, to finalise your details prior to production, just hurry your application out to us now to ensure you qualify for all the benefits you deserve!
Comment by Sharon Horstead — July 14, 2008 @ 10:25 am
Hope I still have time to enter. I’ve had nasty computer problems. Wish I had an Advanta card so I can afford to get a new one. Here’s my debut attempt at copywriting. (Sorry, Kyle, it ended up being long after all.)

Crisp, white, No. 10 envelope, Advanta logo and address in upper left corner. To the left of the recipient address, blue handwriting font:

Does your credit card add to your bottom line
or suck it dry?

Look what our card can do for your business!

Sales Letter on Advanta corporate letterhead.

Headline: We know what it takes to grow a business.

Dear Mr. Makepeace,

I know that you get a lot of credit card offers that all seem the same. If you’re going to go the all the hassle of switching credit providers, it had better be worth it. I won’t waste your time with "just another credit card." I would like to offer you a different one. Why? Because Advanta is a different kind of company. We’ve grown to be a big corporation but we had very humble beginnings. Advanta was founded in 1951 by Jack Alter with only $30 of seed money. We still remember the hard work it took to get where we are now. And we know that you are working just as hard to be successful with your business.

We know that the features of your credit card are important (and we’ve got some outstanding ones to offer), but they’re really only as good as the company that stands behind them. The same values and ethics that ensured our success are still a part of every transaction we make. Because we started on a shoestring, we know what your challenges are if you’re struggling to make a go of it. We understand that you have different needs if you are experiencing the growing pains of a medium-sized business, because we’ve been there. And we now manage the kind of challenges that come with maintaining success, so we know what’s important to you if you’ve made it to the big leagues.

We had lots of help along the way as we grew our business. We had some rough spots that perhaps we wouldn’t have made it through if it wasn’t for the advice and assistance we got from some of our service providers who believed in us and what we were trying to bring to the world. So that’s the kind of service provider we learned to be. We know that we can’t call ourselves successful if our customers fail. We’re behind you all the way.

So, how can we help you and your business to be more profitable?

I think you’ll agree that even the basic features of the Advanta Small Business Platinum Card are based on the principles of fairness. First of all, for the privilege of doing business with us, we will charge you:

No annual fee

Okay, some other cards offer that, but that’s just for starters. We know that good cash management means that you do your best to pay off your card balances each month, but times have been tough lately. If you are currently carrying a balance, we offer:

0% APR on balance transfers for 9 months

With no interest charges on that balance, you can get back in the black sooner. While other credit card companies are soaking up the gravy by keeping their interest rates high while Prime has fallen, we’ve dropped ours and generously offer:

9.99% variable APR on purchases

In this economy, costs and overhead have skyrocketed and margins have shriveled. These low rates let you hang on to more of your hard-earned profits. For all of the work you put in to get those profits, we’re going to offer you rewards. Yes, others do that, too. But we give you the freedom of choice:

Cash back rewards - 5% on your major expenses (gas, office supplies, cell phones and utilities, computer equipment and interet) and 1% on everything else. We’ll even send you a check every time you earn $50; or

Travel rewards - it only takes a minimum of 10,000 points to fly (beats other cards); or

Merchandise rewards and gift cards; and, better still,

our rewards are Unlimited

Yes, the more money you spend, the more we reward you. Isn’t that the way it should be? We’ve also added something that we hope, for your sake, you will never have to use:

$0 fraud liability

If you’re the unfortunate victim of fraud, you’re going to have to pay in so many other ways that it wouldn’t be right for us to kick you while you’re down. We’re here to give you a helping hand, remember?

All of these outstanding features are just the basics for us. Here’s where we’re willing to go above and beyond the other banks to give you real, valuable business-building assistance.

Most importantly, our customer service department is truly responsive. When you call our customer service line, you’ll get a live person - quickly. You won’t have to waste time caught in the endless loop of an automated system. Our team of agents are dedicated to finding solutions for you right now.

Your time is valuable and you need to devote it to the core of your business activities, not waste it on administration. We give you secure access to a very easy online account management system. You can customize your transaction reports, pay your bill online, even increase your credit limit with the click of a mouse. We’ll even give you extra cards for your employees so you can track their expenses just as easily. And their purchases add to the rewards points you are building on your parent card. More rewards, faster.

Any business is more likely to be successful the more people know about it. Your advertising budget is probably pretty tight, so why not put the front of your card to work? With our customized cards, you’re spreading the word every time you take it out. And the customized cards lend a bit of prestige to your business image.

Now for the part that can really accelerate your business. Getting the Advanta Small Business Platinum Card also gets you a whole team of business advisors and assistants. This is where you can save a substantial amount of money!

We’ve partnered with other service providers for special discounts to our customers - companies like Vista Print for quality business cards and more; Avis for big discounts on car rentals; MyToolStore.com for substantial savings on tools and equipment; Express Merchant Processing Solutions for a better and cheaper way to accept and process customer credit and debit cards; and DHL Express to ship your products quicker, safer and more cost effectively.

We are very proud of our InBusiness Growth Strategies program. It is a wealth of current advice presented in an interactive online format. You must see it to believe it. You can take a test drive on our website at http://www. advanta. com.

On the site we also have an extensive Small Business Guide that will advise you on many aspects of running your business and there’s a long list of checklists, sample documents and government forms in the Small Business Tools section. Even quick questions to your lawyer can add up at $350 per hour or more (ouch!). These services will give you answers, or at least help you be better prepared to use your lawyer’s time more efficiently.

One of my favorite features is Ask Alice! Think of this as Dear Abby for business owners. Ask Alice! columns track the latest developments and problems facing business owners, combining a helping hand with a little dose of humor.

When you get the Advanta Small Business Platinum Card, you also get trusted friends and mentors. You get the benefit of our almost 60 years of experience and our sincere desire and commitment to share that with you. We want you to succeed and will do what we can to make that happen.

If you are ready to let us help you grow your business, you can fill out the enclosed application and mail it in the envelope we provide. Or, because time is money, you can apply online at http://www. advanta. com or call one of our amazing customer service agents at 1-800-508-1043.

Yours truly,

John F. Moore
Advanta

* fine print
Comment by Dave Stevens — July 19, 2008 @ 3:59 pm
I have read almost everything written here. There have definitely been some valid points drawn out by way of discussion.

I skipped over most of the sales letter rewrites because, in the end, they truly only were as interesting as any such copy would be if it came to my door in an envelope. No offence meant to everyone that wrote one in an effort to win a prize - just the truth. I started reading almost all of them, but quickly became bored…

There is one inescapable question here that has yet to be answered - was the Blahblahblah DM piece successful in drawing in signups?

Until I know the answer to that question, pretty much everything else being complained about, suggested, shot down, lauded, and/or argued is moot.

I appreciate Clayton putting forth this example in an effort to generate interest in a copywriting contest, which of course is a method of gaining some exposure for his own products and services (rightly so, Clayton. This is your blog, after all). But it remains to be seen how anything Clayton or anyone else here attempting a better sales pitch would do against the piece in contention.

With all due respect, nothing has been proven here. And nothing can be unless the sales figures of the Blahblahblah piece are known, which likely won’t happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not arguing the effectiveness of good copywriting. But I think I would like to see a direct comparison in final numbers between what the Blahblahblah campaign achieved, and what Clayton himself would do.

In fact, I would like to see Clayton’s alternative to this campaign. I would like to see Clayton to do his best to top the campaign in an honest contest.

I think I might have a method of setting up a contest between Clayton and the Blahblahblah piece that would not cost much more than some time.

How about it, Clayton? Would you like to settle this question beyond the opinions on this blog? Because so far, that is all I am seeing - a long list of opinions here that are not resolving anything (I don’t exclude myself from that list, btw).

Let’s make one thing very clear, I don’t have any affiliations with either party I wish to see involved in such a contest. I have no product or service personally that would benefit from any hype this may create. But I am interested in seeing if this argument can be proven.

Clayton, will you accept this a formal challenge?
Comment by Dave Stevens — July 19, 2008 @ 4:01 pm
Oops, sorry, I messed up that last line…wish I could edit my posts.

In case there is any confusion:

Clayton, will you accept this formal challenge?
Comment by Dave Stevens — July 27, 2008 @ 10:20 pm
Wow! 8 days letter and no response! I can’t believe I am the only one that would like to see this contest happen - not even any response from Clayton!
Comment by Marilyn Walker — August 28, 2008 @ 10:25 am
Ok, you’ve sold me….ANYONE can be a copywriter…where do I sign up ?
Seriously, how does one become a copywriter ? I’ve been in sales all my life and writing is one of my hobbies….it really hadn’t occured to me until now that I could combine the two. Where to start ??
Comment by Britt Reid — October 21, 2008 @ 12:32 pm
Looks like someone else decided to try the ridiculous blahblah concept and met with similar–dismal–results.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,442023,00.html

And, Dave (#191-193), Clayton is probably like most people when it comes to blogs. They might personally check in often only during the early comments period (within the first week) and then move on. Your July 19 challange comes a little late to be seen. This particular blog had already gone through its reader interest cycle.
Comment by chris — December 27, 2008 @ 3:42 pm
I like it, it made me smile and would have gotten more attention than the normal boring letter.
Comment by -NN- — January 1, 2009 @ 2:00 pm
I skimmed all the “entries” of blaablaa competition.

I have to say - I was bored. Too long, too boring, and not worth the efford of reading them.
Like I scroll down all the internet advertising and promises - it is just blaablaa-crap to me.

Original BlaaBlaa had weaknesses:
- especially wrong target market. But it got my attention.

Had the letter come from my own bank, I would have laughed, and probably checked the online site, and what perks they had.
I would have taken the card - if their terms had been good enough.

I just don’t care for “normal” copywriting, it is like someone preaching, and I tune it out.

Second thing - I stumbled to this site just today, and this whole entry was done months ago.
The great man himself never followed up to announce who was the winner of rewriting competition, and why.
I consider it bad marketing.. It might not have been his idea, but I’m sure those who redid Blaablaa, would have appreciated it, and I am sure they did come to check how it was.

It makes me wonder - is his marketing really as good as he claims it is, or is he another snake-oil-salesman?

Sorry, I might have bought his program - but I think I can find another more unique selling proposition, from someone who cares to do more follow-up.
Comment by Michael Stedman — January 1, 2009 @ 2:02 pm
Actually, I smiled too (as did Chris in #196). The vast majority of responses here obviously hated the piece but when I saw it I actually smiled.

I thought, finally, a credit card that knows what it is and is nothing more. To me, a credit card offer is nothing more than two numbers (three actually) 1. teaser APR 2. final APR 3. Credit Limit. No more hype! I’m a “scanner” so I wouldn’t have read the text anyway (the part where all the blah blahs are). If I ever open a credit card DM piece than it’s just to check the teaser APR and the final APR. Doesn’t everybody?

I wouldn’t have filled it out but I would have noticed the time Advanta had popped up on my radar.

Refreshing.

It’s extraordinarily non-conformist, left field and certainly wakes up my subconscious lull I have when opening (or trashing) my mail.
Pingback by » Blog Archive » The Worst Salesletter I’ve Ever Seen! — February 10, 2009 @ 11:37 am
[...] Just click on the link below to see what I mean: -> The Worst Salesletter I’ve Ever Seen! [...]
Comment by fruit machine fan — March 23, 2009 @ 4:20 am
hey cheers for that… very informative - i’ve added your blog to my netvibes account - thanks
Comment by Nancy Evans — April 3, 2009 @ 1:39 pm
OK, so I’m relatively new to copywriting, but I’m not new to consumer finance. I’m a recovering loan originator.

Did any of you read the fine print on the back? This is highway robbery. Sure, 0% interest on balances transferred, BUT they charge a 3% transfer fee! And they charge 9.99% on PURCHASES, not just revolving balances.

Plus, it clearly states they can change the rate at any time for any reason.

No wonder Clayton thinks these guys are criminals, not to mention stupid!
Comment by morison dony — April 12, 2009 @ 11:17 pm
Nice post. Thanks for sharing these tips.

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You only think you suck

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