You only think you suck
Here’s something that will make
even the rankest amateur copywriter smile:
Hands-down, the WORST direct mail piece
I’ve ever seen!
Dear Business-Builder,
I’ve got a corker for you this week …
You only think that bomb you just wrote had to be the worst ever. Once you see this piece of certified direct mail doo-doo, you’re going to feel like a genius.
Especially when you think about how the company that mailed this travesty is one of the largest in its industry – and probably paid some huge, international ad agency a king’s ransom to create it.
And that, somewhere, even as you read this, some ka-ka-for-brains creative director is probably being nominated for a place in the Advertising Hall of Fame.
At the very least, this should be encouraging for you.
Because you know what?
SOMEBODY got paid good money to write this!
Nearly every week, I get letters from skeptics who ask if you really can make money as a copywriter.
From now on, I’m going to just send them a copy of this promotion and say, “Could you write a letter like this? If so, YES YOU CAN make good money writing copy. Because somebody actually got paid to write this!”
Of course, if you or anyone else who reads The Total Package ever creates anything like this piece of garbage and I hear about it, there’ll be hell to pay.
Now, this is a component package consisting of a brown craft window envelope, a sales letter and a response device.
Its purpose is (supposedly) to convince me, a business owner, to apply for a credit card.
Instead, it has convinced me that everyone at the ad agency that created it should be indicted under the RICO act for being associated with what clearly is a “corrupt organization” guilty of defrauding its client and taking money under false pretenses.
And everyone at the credit card company who had a hand in this abortion – and the people who hired them – should be summarily flogged, fired and then sued for breach of trust.
To think that thousands of perfectly good trees were murdered to make the paper that this abomination was printed on should have every good environmentalist ready to take up arms.
It really is that bad.
Quite an introduction – right?
Want to see it?
OK – click here, then once you’ve taken a gander, come back here.
I’ll wait …
So … was I right or was I right?
Now, I could tear this thing to shreds, but I’m thinking, why should I have all the fun?
Why don’t you tell me why investing even one minute of time or one penny in this package was the dumbest thing ever?
And if you have a few minutes and feel like flexing your direct response muscle, why not write your own version of a one-page sales letter that would beat the living daylights out of this piece?
I’ll check back in early every morning this week to add my thoughts – and next Monday, I’ll pick my favorite critique and my favorite alternative … and give both of you a nice prize.
This should be fun …
Yours for Bigger Winners, More Often,
Clayton Makepeace
Publisher & Editor
THE TOTAL PACKAGE™
Looking for resources related to this article? Try some of these.
Looking for more of Clayton's articles? Check these out.
Looking for past issues of The Total Package? Click here for our archives.
 |
Want to share or reprint this article? Feel free. Just give us full attribution and a link to our Home Page when you do. |
Attribution Statement: This article was first published in The Total Package. To sign-up to receive your own FREE subscription to The Total Package and claim four FREE money making e-books go to www.makepeacetotalpackage.com.
Comment by Allen W — July 7, 2008 @ 10:12 am
The perfect reason why trying to be cute for cute’s sake can make you fall flat on your face.
I will guess there was a study done somewhere, and the study probably for billions of dollars showed people are tired of receiving sales letters from credit card companies, and just want to get the best deal.
No fluff, so some ivory tower genius decided the best way to do it was to try and be cute about it.
Comment by Fred Black — July 7, 2008 @ 10:21 am
It insults the intelligence of the reader. If they wanted a facts only, to-the-point sales letter, they should have used bullets… but, these people probably can’t be trusted with bullets!
Comment by John Scola — July 7, 2008 @ 10:22 am
Maybe it is just me, but when I read that letter… the company pretty much acknowledged they were wasting my time with ALL the previous letters.
I actually felt insulted!
And I think you are right… only a non-direct response advertising agency that is gunning for the cleverest/funniest award of the year would come up with drivel like this.
And truth be told… most DM from credit card companies really suck…
Comment by Jason Leister — July 7, 2008 @ 10:25 am
It’s bad… unless it works. Dumber things have worked. Of course if this does work, then everyone will start using the hot new "blah" technique for their sales letters. :)
Comment by Brandon Z — July 7, 2008 @ 10:28 am
OMG… I seriously thought when I first looked at this that you must have changed this sales letter to have all the "blah"’s, then I noticed their website link and realized that some idiot thinks this is good marketing.
Cute? Funny? How about braindead? This piece of junk makes me wonder if the writer wasn’t just like a 5th grader who can’t think of what to put on the mother’s day card that he has to write in the next ten minutes, so he just puts, "I love you lots and lots and lots and lots and lots…" well, you get the picture.
The real story here, is the guy who they hired probably thinks that long copy doesn’t work, and so he’s actually made a sales letter that mocks the very same thing.
For Advanta’s sake, I sure hope they agreed only to pay him based on his copy’s results…
Well, I sure feel better now. Thanks Clayton.
Comment by Robert — July 7, 2008 @ 10:29 am
Nice!I was doing some DM work with one of the largest credit card banks. They had the slogan, "the more you spend, the more you save" in all their copy. It was mandated that I include it in mine. After several rounds of protest and tantrums we got them to at least test two versions of the copy – one with, one without the slogan. In EVERY test, that slogan reduced response rate by 50%. Yet, it permeated all of their advertising and promotions at the time. I see the MBA’s are still making the DM decisions in this industry…
Comment by Patrick — July 7, 2008 @ 10:33 am
Hmm this is the typical “we are boring business for boring business” type of letter.
I am no copywriter or ever read any copywriter manual so here is something from laymans perspective.
“Here’s a great offer…”
= Let us introduce you to new way of conducing your boring day to day usage of your credit cards you are always accustomed to…
“travel rewards”
= reward free travels that you deserved to the places your always dreamed of where you can recharge batteries..
“customize your card”
=say goodbye to the copy-paste boring look of your credit card
… i have to get back to work, will fill other through the week
Comment by Craig — July 7, 2008 @ 10:36 am
Clayton,
I believe the author of this package should do the entire DM world a favor and exit the business of copywriting while they’re ahead!!
They (the writer) has not only insulted the intelligence of the recipient with this nonsense, but they have also destroyed the integrity of the institution that has paid them well for this.
I think I’ll go down to the local elementary school and recruit a 5th grader to re-write the copy for this promo, submit it, then sit back and fund the kid’s college fund with all of the royalties that would soon follow!!!
Thanks for listening…
Comment by Ken Calhoun — July 7, 2008 @ 10:38 am
I agree w/Brandon… at first I too thought you’d changed the copy to replace it w/"blahs" for laughs… then I realized that this really Was their control.. there really IS a http://www.theblahblahsite.com …
Nothing like a good ol’ case of the "blahs" to get potential customers all worked up … to drop this pos in the nearest circular file, that is. Great example of how cutesy madison ave marketing (written by someone who wants an award vs sales), can go horribly awry. Thanks for the chuckle.
-k
Comment by David Foley — July 7, 2008 @ 10:42 am
Credit card acceptance rates have been in freefall for a decade, but banks still mail out millions of solicitations. This letter disguises some real benefits for business owners For instance –
"Hey, Clayton, 0.000000% interest on your balance transfers – for a full 9 months no less – means you can pay down your business debt faster and cheaper. Then once you’ve slain the debt dragon, use your card to make purchases at low interest rates. And, if that’s not enough, get reward dollars that you can spend like cash."
Like most credit cards, this letter has a compelling offer – if you take advantage of the balance transfer, pay it off in full and then pay off future balances to avoid interest costs. Of course, the card issuer is praying that new customers will not do that!
Comment by Rodney Trotter — July 7, 2008 @ 10:46 am
You would hope that the copywriter tested this blah technique before recommending it to their client. Of course, if they did, we probably would not be having this discussion.
I think this says more about the client than the copywriter. As the reader of this blah sales letter, I came away with the feeling that they do not care. If I called their service department with a problem, all they would hear is blah and take it about as seriously as we are taking their sales letter.
At least now I know there is hope for me as a copywriter.
Comment by Pete — July 7, 2008 @ 10:49 am
They must have wanted people to throw this piece away without reading it.
Comment by Lois Bernstein — July 7, 2008 @ 10:50 am
I’ll take your word for it, but I find it hard to believe that a company would actually send this out. It violates evry rule of copywriting. You can say all you want about the writer of the unforgiveable letter, but if I received this abomination I would be sure not to buy anything from the company. They really are the culprits.
Lois B.
Comment by Chuck — July 7, 2008 @ 11:00 am
Wait, is this for real? Are you saying the letter comes like that – all filled with just "blahs"? They can’t be serious.
Hopefully this piece is part of a limited test. As blatantly stupid as it appears to us, you can’t truly know until you test. If they’re testing (and tracking!), then they deserve points (just a couple) for trying something, er, unusual. No matter what we think, only the market results count, right? Who knows, maybe this thing could work like gangbusters for their target market. (But clearly Clayton is not an ideal member of their target market!)
If this is not a test, but a wide roll-out, then either (A) they have already tested it and it is their new control (scary!), or (B) shame on them for being so dumb!
Chuck
Comment by Adam — July 7, 2008 @ 11:02 am
Clayton, you think that spending all the moolah to print and mail these letters (not to mention all the trees wasted on this quite disgusting mail piece) is bad?
Well, I’ve got news for you. The plantpots at this company actually ran literally dozens of TV commercials in the UK with this pile of poo. Some guy singing "blah, blah, blah" all the freakin’ way through it! Must have cost an arm and a leg. Advertising suicide at it’s very finest.
Comment by Blake — July 7, 2008 @ 11:04 am
You’re absolutely wrong Clayton! This is a thing of genius!
You could take it to any college campus around the country and have eighteen year old boys - especially the ones in "altered states of consciousness" - busting a gut, showing it off to their friends, and filling it out (sometimes even with the correct information!). You’d have to test it, but this might be one of the best pieces ever written to get males 18-22 to apply for a credit card.
*Reads the details*
Oh, wait, they sent it out to business owners. Never mind, the promotion’s a piece of blah.
Comment by Osman — July 7, 2008 @ 11:07 am
Oh no.. English is not my main language but I surely can write better salesletter compared to the blah blah site.
They’re trying to be different or unique…in the end, it looks stupid! This is definitely a good motivation to anyone who thinks they can’t write a good salesletter…me included.
Comment by Marcelino Latorre — July 7, 2008 @ 11:11 am
It cant be this easy man..
Comment by Gavriel Shaw — July 7, 2008 @ 11:15 am
My visceral response to that piece? An uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feint impression of my own experiences in a creative ad agency. And the ‘gutted’ feeling that ‘creative’ copywriters are actually churning that stuff out, whilst I’m here longing for the opportunity to sink my teeth into mailing campaigns once again. In fact, I’m working on a new freelance copywriter page for myself that begins with the heading… Direct Response Marketer
From London UK
Beats Advertising Agency By 610%
Using These 3 Crucial Ingredients
For Guaranteed Marketing Success In my new self-promotion piece, I explain how I beat the agency. (The type of agency that would produce that kind of ‘blah blah’ piece, if only it had the balls to do it, and clients as naive).It was a split test: My plain text long email vs their cheery colourful short copy email with big bright call to action button. Promoting personal loans to old customers.
Well, rather than repeat the story here, if you’d like to know some of the gory details, it’s on my freelance copywriter page….Which really is my attempt to compell small business owners to avoid like the plague the type of marketing exemplified in the ‘blah blah’ piece. So Clayton perhaps you can accept it as my entry into your competition
http://www.gavrielshaw.com/hire
(The page is admittedly still in development whilst I figure out just what type of prospect I need to aim at to carve my self a niche in the UK copywriting landscape… and find my own Partner Deals!)Gavriel ShawPS. Any tips for my page from any big gun slingers here will be most appreciated.
Comment by James — July 7, 2008 @ 11:16 am
Rember the old commercial of a few years back.
"Where’s the beef "? I think it applies here!
Comment by Jeff Davis — July 7, 2008 @ 11:17 am
Hi Clayton, blah…
Jeff Davis Top Gun Copywriter here, blah!
My first question is what is the conversion ratio, blah?
What does the other page they are split-testing look like, blah?
Just one blah?
LOL, blah
It’s not so much a salesletter as it is a flash banner, blah…
with absolutely no benefits, blah…
Now if they had Blah The Vampire, saying:
"Does your credit suck more than me, blah?
That would be funny, blah.
I’ll fix it for $4,500, but we’ll need a new domain, blah.
Best Wishes, blah…
Jeff Davis Top Gun Copywriter, blah…;~)
P.S. Wait a minute, blah…
Didn’t I see Uncle Marlon pull this stunt last week, blah?
The dreaded grandpa burn, blah!
Comment by Gavriel Shaw — July 7, 2008 @ 11:18 am
OH what’s up with the wysiwyg editor, All my spacing and formatting has been wiped out from my post. Hope it’s readable!
Comment by Tom — July 7, 2008 @ 11:22 am
On the one hand I agree that this could be worth testing, but from the looks of the package and the site at theblahblahsite.com this is already a full advertising blitz.
I can see where the idea would come up during a late night brainstorming session from a team that is frustrated and has completely run out of any decent ideas. Like most super bowl commercial, it is memorable, but I sure don’t see anything that would make me want to do anything but drop it in the TRASH after seeing it is really just another blahblah credit card advertisement.
Comment by Bruce Lawson — July 7, 2008 @ 11:30 am
After carefully reading and analyzing " the letter"… and then realizing that somebody actually paid for it…I’m thinkin’ maybe copywriting might be a better opportunity than I guessed.
Comment by Conrad — July 7, 2008 @ 11:41 am
Clayton,
Why are you such a spoilsport?
Give credit where credit is due.
The names and addresses of these brave creative souls deserve mention.
(I dearly want them to go to work on the ads of our competitors)
Comment by Tom Wells — July 7, 2008 @ 11:42 am
There are so many ways this could be slaughtered. But they did a good job of that already.
It reminds me of that old Larsen cartoon. The guy is talking to his dog - he and the dog are in the frame, with the dog looking at him. He says, "You’re a good dog Spike. Do you want a treat Spike? Do you want to go outside Spike?" or something like that. This first frame is titled "What you say to Spike."
The second frame is titled "What Spike hears." And, you guessed it, "Blah, blah, blah Spike. Blah blah blah blah blah Spike. Blah blah, blah Spike." In this piece, it’s pretty much the same.
Comment by Kammy Thurman — July 7, 2008 @ 11:44 am
Oh. My. Gosh. I actually thought, Clayton, that you had substituted all the blah, blah, blahs for the original copy because it was so boring. When I realized it IS the original copy, I couldn’t help but chuckle and shake my head at the latest "creative" from Madison Avenue.
I’m locking horns in the photography industry with the same stupidity coming from "marketers" who are telling photographers that building their biz is all about branding and the images (because people never read copy). In other words – blah, blah, blah advertising.
Makes my blood boil to see studio owners having their limited marketing budgets sucked into the black hole of brand advertising because of stupid statements coming from so called "experts" who are parroting false statements with 0 proof to back up what they’re saying.
Comment by Sonia Simone — July 7, 2008 @ 11:45 am
It attracts attention in an extremely cluttered environment, it highlights the key features (not really benefits, but at least they are desirable features), and it calls for action.
Is it an example of great writing? Obviously it is not. Is that a requirement for an effective direct response piece? Not necessarily.
I wouldn’t trash this dog until I saw the numbers. It might be a stupid gimmick that doesn’t work, but it also might be a stupid gimmick that *does* work.
Comment by Pat Hayslett — July 7, 2008 @ 11:46 am
Clayton – This pile of Madison Avenue marketing doo-doo is a sad example of what happens when traditional ad agencies rush to add direct response services.
Their marketing narcissism only goes to prove Daniel Levis’ rant… Why wouldn’t they take the time to learn the response winning secrets that have been proven since Claude Hopkins showed the power of specificity and reason why? It’s obvious they have never been taught to think of their customers with the mantra “What’s in it for me?” They must be more concerned with a Clio award and the easiest way to make a quick buck off Advanta. Had they thought about the best interests of their client, the agency would have realized that Advanta offers attractive benefits to customers – benefits that the agency, in their rush to pat themselves on the back for their creativity while they suck down a martini during Friday happy hour – left on the freakin’ table. It’s clear that ROI is a foreign word to agency creatives. Maybe they need an envelope sent to them with ROI plastered all over it – though I suspect it would have about a same effect as the ingenious blah blah blah attention getter :-P Since that agency is clearly not interested in the response boosting facts, let’s jump to them ourselves! · The dominant emotion is non-existent. Aren’t times pretty rough? Gee, I wonder if a small business owner would be interested in a card that gives him rewards and more of a fighting chance in this panic driven economy? Why would we bother to acknowledge the tough challenges you’re faced with?
· The envelope does not seize attention and interest. If I’m a business owner in a lousy economy worrying about how to stay afloat, I’m not going to pay attention to a clear item of junk mail that mocks me by saying blah blah blah.
· No headline. Might be a good idea to have one. No, really, I’m serious here…
· The attempt to cut to the chase and present the facts fails to do so. Even by scanning the stand out words like they intended, I don’t have a good idea of the offer. I can’t answer what it is, who it’s for, or so what?
· No specificity. It doesn’t tell me WHAT I can earn cash back on, such as gasoline (hmm, that MIGHT just be a hot button), office supplies, utilities, computer equipment, cell phones and internet services.
· It has no believability. In fact, it looks like a hoax and I’d be afraid that the webpage they sent me to was just a phishing scam. The Advanta website positions Advanta as a company uniquely positioned for small businesses. That should be mentioned. I want to be in good hands.
· The blah blah microsite is a waste. It distracts readers from the better, more specific content on advanta.com. It’s obviously born from the agency’s desire to prove they can make a clever flash site. Well this is not only less than ideal for search engines, it could also prevent people who don’t have the flash viewer installed properly from seeing your message.
· They’re selling a card, when Advanta is more. The Advanta website has a full service account management feature online. Card holders can manage their account, download transactions, generate reports, control employee spending, pay bills online and receive news on other discounts and services. WHY IS THIS NOT MENTIONED? You’re selling more than a card with cool benefits!!! You’re selling business management help.
· No reassurance. Where’s the guarantee? What kind of safety measures does Advanta take to protect my money?
· Weak call to action. Boo. Hiss.
· One Step Sale. Can they sell users on the new credit card in one step like this? Or should they offer a special report or free consultation?
· No Email Capture. When I go to the micro site and see what a waste of my time it was, I inevitably leave. There is no attempt to try to gain my e-mail when I leave. No attempt to offer me value, build a list, or try to convert me to a sale. I could go on and on about the irresponsible neglect of this agency, but I’ll let my fellow Total Package readers continue the rant! P.S. – Look for my rewrite coming soon!
Comment by David Grebow — July 7, 2008 @ 11:48 am
Clayton:
You’re tough, tough man…
If you look at the flash concept on the website http://www.theblahblahsite.com it’s not the worst idea ever to come down the DM pike. I would guess that the brainstorm happened in a conference room, between the sales folks and the web marketing folks … and some poor copywriter got stuck with the hard copy (hard in more ways than one) version.
How do I know? I’ve worked the halls of Corporate Marketing Mania and have had more than my share of strange daze and funny advert stories … where a small germ of a webby idea becomes a raging plague that strikes all whom it infects, especially after the Marketing VP with the money comes down with it.
Unfortunately it’s always and only the poor copywriter who is told "Put the words to paper for a direct mailing" (or else), who gets sick and dies from the plague … RIF’d … corporate-speak for fired … canned … mulched, after the idea falls on its face and - to add insult to injury - is featured and slammed as the suckiest DM ever in Clayton’s Blog!
Corporate wordsmiths are SO replaceable since anyone can write and do their job anyway … right?
That’s why I left the Cubicles of Corporate America and became a successful independent online DM copywriter shooting for the ranks of the "A" List … someday soon, one of your controls, to the moon, Clayton, to the moon!
So I pity the poor corporate wonk who inherited this idea … only proving once more that the medium is the message and mixing analog and digital is never a good idea and blah blah blah …
Cheers,
David
PS I agree. It does sucks pond slime, as do so many other pieces of hardcopy DM, especially from highly competitive and very regulated industries.
PPS I’d be curious to see next time if you’ve ever discovered a REALLY good DM piece that found it’s snailmail way into your post box. Copywriting for print is different than for the web (or so you said many times) and copywriting in a hierarchical uptight braindead corporate environment is even harder.
Anything decent ever escape the The Committee and make it to your snailmailbox??
David
KnowledgeStar
Comment by Lawton Chiles — July 7, 2008 @ 11:50 am
OK, a few concerns plus some suggestions…
# 1- I too, thought Clayton had put all the Blah’s there. When i realized that it was REAL, it is shockingly bad.
#2- HOW did they convince the staff of the credit card company to pay for all this stuff on whim it might work? Usually that would never happen.
#3- The copywriter has no business being in the business, and neither do the people who LET him/her DO this.
#4- I mean, if I got it, I don’t even think I’d open it. It’s STUPID. It makes me feel stupid too. Stupid ads and stupid people gives advertising and marketing and very bad name- no wonder people have a bad taste in their mouth because of our industry.
#5- Can I re-write it?
#6- It seems that cute and clever never works. Is this always, 100% true?
I weep for their roi rate
Comment by Pat Hayslett — July 7, 2008 @ 11:51 am
Clayton – Whoa. My critique formatted about as well on here as the mail piece I’m ripping apart. Let’s try again! This pile of Madison Avenue marketing doo-doo is a sad example of what happens when traditional ad agencies rush to add direct response services. Their marketing narcissism only goes to prove Daniel Levis’ rant… Why wouldn’t they take the time to learn the response winning secrets that have been proven since Claude Hopkins showed the power of specificity and reason why? It’s obvious they have never been taught to think of their customers with the mantra “What’s in it for me?” They must be more concerned with a Clio award and the easiest way to make a quick buck off Advanta. Had they thought about the best interests of their client, the agency would have realized that Advanta offers attractive benefits to customers – benefits that the agency, in their rush to pat themselves on the back for their creativity while they suck down a martini during Friday happy hour – left on the freakin’ table. It’s clear that ROI is a foreign word to agency creatives. Maybe they need an envelope sent to them with ROI plastered all over it – though I suspect it would have about a same effect as the ingenious blah blah blah attention getter :-P Since that agency is clearly not interested in the response boosting facts, let’s jump to them ourselves! The dominant emotion is non-existent. Aren’t times pretty rough? Gee, I wonder if a small business owner would be interested in a card that gives him rewards and more of a fighting chance in this panic driven economy? Why would we bother to acknowledge the tough challenges you’re faced with?
The envelope does not seize attention and interest. If I’m a business owner in a lousy economy worrying about how to stay afloat, I’m not going to pay attention to a clear item of junk mail that mocks me by saying blah blah blah.
No headline. Might be a good idea to have one. No, really, I’m serious here…
The attempt to cut to the chase and present the facts fails to do so. Even by scanning the stand out words like they intended, I don’t have a good idea of the offer. I can’t answer what it is, who it’s for, or so what?
No specificity. It doesn’t tell me WHAT I can earn cash back on, such as gasoline (hmm, that MIGHT just be a hot button), office supplies, utilities, computer equipment, cell phones and internet services.
It has no believability. In fact, it looks like a hoax and I’d be afraid that the webpage they sent me to was just a phishing scam. The Advanta website positions Advanta as a company uniquely positioned for small businesses. That should be mentioned. I want to be in good hands.
The blah blah microsite is a waste. It distracts readers from the better, more specific content on advanta.com. It’s obviously born from the agency’s desire to prove they can make a clever flash site. Well this is not only less than ideal for search engines, it could also prevent people who don’t have the flash viewer installed properly from seeing your message.
They’re selling a card, when Advanta is more. The Advanta website has a full service account management feature online. Card holders can manage their account, download transactions, generate reports, control employee spending, pay bills online and receive news on other discounts and services. WHY IS THIS NOT MENTIONED? You’re selling more than a card with cool benefits!!! You’re selling business management help.
No reassurance. Where’s the guarantee? What kind of safety measures does Advanta take to protect my money?
Weak call to action. Boo. Hiss.
One Step Sale. Can they sell users on the new credit card in one step like this? Or should they offer a special report or free consultation?
No Email Capture. When I go to the micro site and see what a waste of my time it was, I inevitably leave. There is no attempt to try to gain my e-mail when I leave. No attempt to offer me value, build a list, or try to convert me to a sale. I could go on and on about the irresponsible neglect of this agency, but I’ll let my fellow Total Package readers continue the rant! P.S. – Look for my rewrite coming soon!
Comment by Lawton Chiles — July 7, 2008 @ 11:55 am
I also second what Pat said above my post. Where are the benefits and social proof?
What is the actual offer?
What was it that Drayton said about being laser-specific and making sure that the audience got all the benefits, even at the expense of being over-obvious?
Comment by Jim Symcox — July 7, 2008 @ 11:59 am
Ok that sales letter made me laugh. And as I live in the UK I’m surprised I didn’t see the Ad with the guy singing. Just shows it was advertising suicide.
Anyway, what about something like…
To Business Owners Who’re Too Busy To Get To The Bank
Hi Clayton,
Are you forever paying out cheques to your suppliers and giving out petty cash to your employees for their travel and hotel expenses?
It’s a pain "popping" to the bank for cash or another cheque book. You have to find a parking space, feed the meter and then join the interminable queue to the ccash till. And if you’re double unlucky get involved in a bank robbery.
So how does paying for stuff without a cheque book, or even using cash without hanging around a bank sound?
What if you get a reward for spending your own money? And I don’t mean Mickey Mouse rewards. I mean great rewards like free air travel, free luxury hotel accomodation or even free gold clubs!
I’m talking about a rather special credit card that allows you to transfer the balance from an existing credit card at Zero % interest. I’m talking about the Advanta Master Card which even has the best rate of any credit card going, guaranteed.
Listen don’t take my word for how great it is, listen to B Wooster from Brighton has to say:
"Before we had the Advanta card I found myself making countless trips to the bank every month. Once I got the card I cut the trips to once a month. Apart from saving a fortune on meters I’ve been to Disneyland Paris courtesy of the Advanta rewards."
Because this deal is so earth-shakingly great we’re only sending it out to just over 500,000 businesses. So sign up today to make sure you beat the rest of them for the 5 cards we’re planning to print.
Yours …..
PS If this deal excites you complete the application before nightfall and send it to us post haste by Royal Mail so that we can make sure you get your licence to get rewards by return post.
Comment by Ed Borasky — July 7, 2008 @ 12:01 pm
You all are missing the point. I get hundreds of these things a year. Good or bad they all end up in the shredder. I have no doubt you all can write great copy. But your primary audience is the shredder and the burn barrel.
Is the argument simply between the Advanta gimmick, which might have 99.95 percent shredded and excellent copy, which might have "only" 99.9 percent shredded?
Comment by Rick — July 7, 2008 @ 12:02 pm
I’m sure I’m the exception to the rule here, but it works for me.
A ton of promotions/copy are just blah, blah, blah anyway and are packed with useless attempts to con the mind into thinking your going to be ’spitting golden nuggets.’
How unique can a credit card offer be anyway? Who reads all the disclaimer drivel. I don’t.
The main points are driven home very well. I get what their trying to sell in all of 10 seconds. Read between the lines (or in this case the blah,blah,blah)
+ Unlimited rewards
+ cash rewards
+ travel rewards
+ merchanside rewards
+ Customize your card
+ No fee employee cards
+ 0% APR on balance transfers
+ 9.9% Variable APR
Oh, I get what’s wrong with it. Where’s the USP? What makes Advanta so special? What currently going on in the mind of the customer? Where’s the risk reversal, the PS, the limited time, scarcity angle and all the other elements of direct response copy.
Where’s the 10,000 frequent flier mileage as a bonus before signing up before midnight? A Blah,BLAH,blah mouse pad or coffee cup, or t-shirt would be a really cool tie in for all those who apply, approved or not. That would surely increase response and allow Advanta to identify some names out of their database.
What would be interesting would be seeing the numbers of this promotion and comparing it to other promotions.
Comment by Bill Urell — July 7, 2008 @ 12:09 pm
This is right up there with "When its gone, its gone"
Maybe I’ll do a Homer Simpson inspired letter "Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…Duhhh…
Comment by Larry Owen — July 7, 2008 @ 12:13 pm
INSIDE:
Everything you want to know about The Greatest Credit Card Offer in America WITHOUT the blah, blah, blah you don’t read anyway!
Advanta.
Tear open this envelope and we’ll rip you a new one!
Comment by Sharon Horstead — July 7, 2008 @ 12:16 pm
Stupefying!
stupefy
v 1: make dull or stupid; to muddle with drunkenness or
infatuation [syn: besot, stupify]
2: be a mystery or bewildering to: "This beats me!" "Got me–I
don’t know the answer!" [syn: perplex, get, puzzle, mystify, baffle, beat, bewilder, flummox, stupify, nonplus, gravel, amaze, dumbfound]
3: make senseless or dizzy by or as if by a blow; "stun fish"
[syn: stun, stupify]
I think all 3 definitions apply in this case.
1. This really went to business executives [smart, successful people]? Patently a case of not knowing your target market. Someone was clearly drunk on the power of an opportunity to "express themselves" and infatuated by their own wit. No sober consideration of what was right for the client or the intended customer.
2. It’s a mystery to me why a copywriter who has the creativity and persuasive skills to sell this piece of junk [junk mail in its purest form] to management of their client can’t use that power for good rather than evil. That kind of influence should have been put to better use to create a profitable campaign for the client.
3. If I was on the receiving end of this, I would be stunned, like I’d just been walloped by a sucker punch.
Clayton, rather than "tearing this thing to shreds," whether that be ripping it up or dissecting it word by word or blah by blah, there is a way to send a direct message to the company. We’re not limited to just making fun of them here.
I’m assuming this package came with a postage paid envelope to make it as easy as possible for the customer [rube] to send back a completed application. Black out your name and invitation number as you did on the pdf and send the application back to them with the derogatory comment of your choice.
You can look at this direct response in one of two ways: a) your altruistic self can "offer them a valuable marketing lesson" for the small price of a stamp; or b) your bad ass self can "make ‘em pay for wasting your time", even if it’s only the small price of a stamp and the time it takes someone to open the envelope.
Clayton, this post and challenge of yours is a very creative teaching moment. I’m not a copywriter, yet. I’m just about to launch my web presence so I will soon be writing my own copy. This challenge could be fun to tackle as practice before being under the pressure of coming up with the perfect copy for my own site. I’ll give it a go this week.
Thanks for everything that you share so freely. I’ve learned so much in just a few short weeks from you and all your team.
Sharon
Calgary, Canada
Comment by Cathy Matheny — July 7, 2008 @ 12:19 pm
Do these people really think that the psuedo-subliminal background chatter of "blah blah blah" is going to inspire trust? This kind of unprofessionalism give me the impression that they don’t really value their own product. If I got this in the mail, it would go straight into the trash, where it belongs.
Comment by Graham Hawarth — July 7, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
1st reading - I was uncomfortable
2nd reading - I was angry
3rd reading - couldn’t face a 3rd and I was only angry on the 2nd because I’d read it even once.
This piece of garbage won’t even make it into the ‘Toilet Paper Hall of Fame’. In fact - it’s an insult to toilet paper, at least that has an honest use.
Graham
Comment by Vlad Mihalache — July 7, 2008 @ 12:52 pm
What and Blahnbelievable Blahnder,
Clayton are you seriously saying somebody sent this to you in hopes that you will apply. I Blahdy Don’t believe it. What we’re they thinking.
To be honest if somebody sent this monstrocity of a letter to me I’d fill it in with the same antics they pulled on me.
For Example:
Legal Name of Business: BlahBlahBlah
First Name: Blah-Blah BlahBlah
Last Name: BlahBlah
Need I continue.
It’s safe to say whatever person came up with this idea must be lying in bed every night saying to himself.
"How the hell, did I just make thousands of $ from excessively using the word Blah, I’m a genius".
Sorry to disappoint but genius is the complete opposite of what that person is.
Anyway I’ll stop going on since I don’t want to think about it anymore.
Blah for now
Comment by John Mauldin — July 7, 2008 @ 12:54 pm
Clayton,
As bad as this appears, I must admit that for many years I worked closely with my father’s printing company, on of the top ten largest in the US. I would often walk through the plant and this is the type of work that companies are sending out daily BY THE MILLIONS!
I don’t think we have ever produced a mailing for less than one million pieces. Because the majority of clients came from ad agencies, our copywriters couldn’t speak up, but I am sure many of them had sleepless nights.
Unfortunately, this scenario is the mainstay of big business, it is a matter of a tiny percentage of response off of voluminous mailings. It is a fact of life in big business. John Mauldin
Comment by Tommy — July 7, 2008 @ 1:10 pm
Just goes to show, drinking moonshine and smoking the funny green stuff while doing copy, just don’t work!
Blah?
Comment by Sharon Horstead — July 7, 2008 @ 1:11 pm
Stupefying!
stupefy
Source: WordNet (r) 1.7
I think all 3 definitions apply in this case.
1. This really went to business executives [smart, successful people]? Patently a case of not knowing your target market. Someone was clearly drunk on the power of an opportunity to "express themselves" and infatuated by their own wit. No sober consideration of what was right for the client or the intended customer.
2. It’s a mystery to me why a copywriter who has the creativity and persuasive skills to sell this piece of junk [junk mail in its purest form] to management of their client can’t use that power for good rather than evil. That kind of influence should have been put to better use to create a profitable campaign for the client.
3. If I was on the receiving end of this, I would be stunned, like I’d just been walloped by a sucker punch.
Clayton, rather than "tearing this thing to shreds," whether that be ripping it up or dissecting it word by word or blah by blah, there is a way to send a direct message to the company. We’re not limited to just making fun of them here.
I’m assuming this package came with a postage paid envelope to make it as easy as possible for the customer [rube] to send back a completed application. Black out your name and invitation number as you did on the pdf and send the application back to them with the derogatory comment of your choice.
You can look at this direct response in one of two ways: a) your altruistic self can "offer them a valuable marketing lesson" for the small price of a stamp; or b) your bad ass self can "make ‘em pay for wasting your time", even if it’s only the small price of a stamp and the time it takes someone to open the envelope.
Clayton, this post and challenge of yours is a very creative teaching moment. I’m not a copywriter, yet. I’m just about to launch my web presence so I will soon be writing my own copy. This challenge could be fun to tackle as practice before being under the pressure of coming up with the perfect copy for my own site. I’ll give it a go this week.
Thanks for everything that you share so freely. I’ve learned so much in just a few short weeks from you and all your team.
Sharon
Calgary, Canada
Comment by Han Poelstra — July 7, 2008 @ 1:11 pm
Hi blahblah Clayton
Blahblah blahblahblah.
Blah blah blahblah.
Papershredder blah blah.
10% off blah blah.
Limited offer blah blah.
Regards Han
Comment by Robert Woodring — July 7, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
Clayton I thought you had put the blahblahs in it because, I didn’t think anybody could be that ignorant or disrespectful in an actual mailing.
It gives me a headache trying to read it, too cluttered even if you wanted use this device. At least put the actual words as a separate paragraph.
I assume their intent is to say they won’t waste your time. Off the top of my head here is what I’d write you.
Mr. Makepeace,
As a successful business owner your time is valuable, so I won’t waste it.
Rising energy costs has driven up the costs of doing business, everything from office supplies…to travel. A housing market in shambles…consumers nervously eyeing rising fuel and food costs and a stagant job market…add up to a uncertain economy…at least.
We both know now is not the time to "hole up" and weather the storm but, instead aggresively pursue new business. And we’re putting our money where our mouth is.
Zero, Zip, Nada…no interest for purchases or account balance transfers for NINE Months! Travel rewards to help you go out and get that new business.
Frankly, we’re going to lose money when you accept this introductory offer. But, we’re willing to do it for two reasons. First we also believe in actively pursuing new business, too. And, second we want your business…long term. And, I think once you get to know us you’ll want to business with us long term. That way we both win!
To accept just sign your name, where it says your name and then list any employees that you want cards for. It’s that simple. Drop it in the mail and we will Fed Ex your card back.
But you do need to reply in seven days.
A signature here.
P.S. I hope you agree that we didn’t waste your time.
Anyway that’s more or less what I think says we won’t waste your time. Everything on one page with the possibilty of folding the letter into a self mailer. Any verification could be done with the card’s activation.
What do you think, Clayton. Am I off my rocker?
-Robert Woodring
Comment by Judy Adler — July 7, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
Before criticizing this direct response package, I would want
to see the response it generated. I get many credit card offers
each month and I only look at the interest rate for balance
transfers, the balance transfer fee, and/or the percent cash back
on purchases. I never read any of the other ‘blah, blah" stuff.
This envelope was provocative and I would definitely open it,
and read through the key points to see if it was worth applying
for.
I know from my many years experience working at direct response agencies (Rapp and Collins and others) that it is very difficult to predict a successful direct response ad before testing.
When we used to challence people to "Guess the Winner" between two ads that had been tested against each other, more often than not, they picked the losing ad.
We had a saying "It ain’t creative unless it works". Maybe your
article will generate a response from the agency that created this
package and they can show some response data supporting this
strategy. Judy Adler
Comment by Judy Adler — July 7, 2008 @ 1:28 pm
I just sent in a comment about the direct mail piece, and realized that it was the first time I’ve ever posted on a blog!
Clayton, you clever dog, you…you successfully used the strategy
of challenging us to write a better package and you got us
involved.
I’ll bet this particular email generated the most posts you have had in a long time!
Judy Adler
Comment by Stephen Lohse — July 7, 2008 @ 1:30 pm
I’m not much of an "ad copy person", and yes I do see what they were trying to attempt, but they were clearly targeting the wrong person with the wrong product for this type of ad. Having said all that, would it be wrong to approach this with a personal testimonial?
Hello Clayton, Stephen Lohse here…
You know, when I was redployed from Iraq, I found that starting my online business to be nearly overwhelming. I was up to my eyeballs in debt, had a family to think about, not much time to dedicate to getting my life back to normal civilian status. The last thing I needed was MORE STRESS, by from bills, creditors, and of course the "time crunch factor".
But you know, I did find a way to pay down the debt, spend a little more time around the house, and alieviate the stress of credit card debt that had accumulated during the deployment when I discovered Advanta Master Card.
With a 0% APR on all balance transfers, allowed me to consolidate my debts, and pay down the balance. With the 9.9% variable intrest rate, cash,travel, and unlimited and merchandise rewards, the choice to switch was a "no-brainer". With the peace of mind of that a customer service rep was merely a phone call away that was able to help me out with a few issues that had come up during the "settleing in" process, coming home was alot easier than I had imagined.
So, If your like me and could use the stress free method of digging yourself out of that hole of debt in a way that is much less painful, go to (call to action http://www.blah blah blah.com or call toll free etc. etc.)
I don’t know something more like that. I could dig it! At least that is better than what I read. (could use more emotion maybe… like I said I’m not an ad copy guy, I hope I don’t get beat up too badly lol)
Comment by Paul Flood — July 7, 2008 @ 1:51 pm
Very weak piece. Any benefit gained as a result of getting it opened was dealt a fatal blow by the agency gods of creativity.
Have they ever heard of benefits, headlines or deadlines? What pain are they trying to cure? At least they had a tracking number. It would be interesting to see the results of this mailing vs. a well done control.
Comment by Jimbo — July 7, 2008 @ 1:53 pm
I thought it was unique because it was something new. It’s the new things that create the styles everyone copies once they prove successful. That is why they say the pioneers have the arrows in their back- this copywriter has about 100 arrows in his back right now. If the numbers pan out… I think he’s a genius. If they don’t… I still admire him for thinking outside the box. Only copywriters love copy- the prospect wants the BEEF.
Comment by Katleen — July 7, 2008 @ 2:00 pm
Sorry Clayton, but I think the purpose of the mailing was: getting the reader’s attention. And it just did!
I’m sure you DO remember the card company and I thinkthe blablathing was a cleaver idea. So if it works, why not?
But I agree: the C2A and the response card could be written better.
Comment by Jay — July 7, 2008 @ 2:32 pm
My critique:
1. The envelope was a drab color. I wouldn’t want to open it. It’s depressing!
2. I already know to throw it away with the other advertisments becasue it has a percentage rate on the front. I already know I’m about to get a credit card offer.
3. In the first sentence of the sales letter, you tell them what they are going to get based on MC thought, not what’s in it for them as the customer.
4. I see a bunch of useless "rewards". They always have stipulations and there are too many of them. What good is a rewards if I don’t care about it, or want it?!
5. The customize my card would have been nice closer to the top of the sales page, but if you are a business, this just becomes another hassle to deal with as an employer.
6. Sure they offer NO-FEE employee cards, but what am I (the boss), chopped liver?
7. Everything I get as a monetary advantage is marked with an asterisk, so it’s probably not going to be great for me at all.
8. The application is too long! I don’t want to sit down and fill out all this, especially if I have to do it. I have to fill in employees’ personal information (If it’s handy) and I have to send this via snail mail. Can’t I do any of this online?
9. The back of the envelope is filled with letter which is a dead give-a-way for an advertisement.
10. Also on the back, they appeared to try to "hide" the terms of this application. They are too small to read, and another reason not to open it if it’s turned on it’s back on the mail.
That’s my piece Clayton. I’m not even going to write a sales letter for this because I despise credit card companies!
Thanks again.
Comment by Brendan — July 7, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
Well!Probably its a result of the credit crisis…SURE ME THE MONEY…Like they say, "Never judge a book by its cover." I know some book covers look as if they’re a result of unimaginable imagination…if you get me…a residue of wit…However, the temptation…Never criticize a copy which you don’t know its results. Frankly, how can I know if I can wallop this ad if I don’t know the ROI.Obviously to the eye, it looks like the rubbish material, but lets all remember in direct response the results do the talking. Our universal language here is "MONEY"mine:Caught in the fast lane of change? Take advantage of Advanta Platinum Business Card… A LITTLE PIECE OF ETERNITY…and …ENJOY!I would use a picture as a ‘grabber’ and make this offer exclusive and employ the emotion of fear of the future to build a sanctuary of happiness in the mist of gloom.I am just a newbie, so let me stop here.
Comment by Lynn Lepley — July 7, 2008 @ 3:20 pm
Clayton: As a writer I’m a faithful reader of your blog, even though I write for the education and children’ markets.
But you’ve inspired me. After seeing this sales piece, I’m convinced that I can write something better than this.
If you hadn’t explained that it was legit, I would have thought it was a joke! Lynne
Comment by Bill Toebes — July 7, 2008 @ 3:20 pm
At first I though Clayton was having fun replacing words with some Monday blahs.The Lightning of common sense hit my cerebral glands. “hey his is it all Blahs,the BLAH’s have it.Making all copy writers redundant to marketing a product.
Taking over the copy writing world from the tired over payed brain strained crowd with a simple solution of introducing the Blah key wording of a new genre of cheap copy writing.
The new writing inspiration without perspiration “blah ,blah,blah.Simple get payed setting the computer on BLAH A copy writer whose only original thought was “blah”.Struck with a lot of blah’s for inspiration caused by,no doubt inhalation of generic genus wacky tabacky.
With an added dose of smog blinding out every word other than “blah”. Causing “the author” to be blinded,struck deaf and dumb to anything other than the blahs.Probably crying the blahs on the way to the cash machine.To cash his last check for writing BLAH.
A totally inept attempt at being being cute (with apologies to all who write)overwhelmed by his own prose .Blah.
” Sir how many “BLAH’S” WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE HOME TO THE WIFE AND KIDDIES? Some “Blah” for breakfast or dinner and how are fixed for “Blah’s” come an get it blahs,
Comment by Clayton Makepeace — July 7, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
OK – great comments as always, everyone!
Some quick responses (more tomorrow) …
Jason: Dumber things have worked? Really? Please send a sample! Also: Send data proving that those dumber things worked better than the smarter things that were tested against them? Thanks!
Yes, Lois, Chuck and everyone else who questioned whether or not this was a REAL direct mail piece – it arrived in my mailbox when Wendy and I were in Vegas a few weeks ago.
Marcelino: Bullseye! It can NOT be this easy. Wish it was. We could just create a program that asks us to input the features (not benefits, mind you – features) of the product. Then, just click "ENTER" and the program would fill the sales page with "blah-blah" separated by vague, unspecific features.
I agree Conrad – maybe some sleuth can figure out which ad agency is responsible – and the names of the creative director and copywriter. I’d be more than happy to put their name (and pictures, if available) up in lights!
Sonia, I guarantee you that you could write a more effective piece. Heck. My 14-year-old could have … when he was THREE.
Ed, Ed, Ed! You think engaging the prospect with benefits and asking for the sale would only give you a four-tenths-of-one-percent lift? Wow. I can see I have some serious work to do here …
Larry: Minor edit to your inspired headline: "Tear open this envelope or we’ll tear you a new one!" (You’re hilarious as always.)
Hi, John Mauldin! Ladies and Gentlemen, say "HI" to frequent CNBC commentator, best-selling investment author, futures trader par-ecellence, fellow vodka-swiller and all-around great guy, JOHN MAULDIN!
Hey John – still have that fancy box seat office at Texas Stadium?
Et tu, Jimbo? One correction: Copywriters HATE writing copy. We love cashing royalty checks, but we hate slaving away over a hot keyboard for a month or more to create something that will actually work.
Fact is, this is a testable medium. Every test I’ve ever seen in 37 years has screamed, "Write until you run out of benefits!!!!"
One other thing: Any idiot can come up with something "new" – and in this case, one did. True creativity is coming up with something that leverages the techniques our testing has proven work best in a new, engaging and compelling way.
More than 100 years of testing has proven that benefits work. Connecting with your prospect’s resident emotions about the value those benefits will bring to his life – works.
And a century of scientific testing has also proven that fluff like this is a waste of perfectly good money. And trees.
Kathleen – Let me get this straight: The client called the ad agency and said, "Hey guys – I want to spent $10 million to mail twenty million direct mail packages that will get attention!"
How do you figure the ROI on that?
Wouldn’t it make more sense to consider the possiblity that the client asked the agency to sell a butt-load of credit cards?
Keep the comments coming everyone – this is getting interesting!
– Clayton
Comment by Jimbo — July 7, 2008 @ 4:03 pm
Clayton- Look at the legnth of some of these posts- proof that copywriters LOVE writing copy. For this offer- in a familiar market… I think it is more important WHAT is said (facts of the offer) rather than how this credit card is going to benefit my life. We’re all familiar with credit cards… we just want the facts. What you say is way more important than how you say it. I believe true creativity is taking known rules and tactics and smashing them to pieces- creating new rules spawning a slew of copycats for years to come.
Comment by Lynn Jordan — July 7, 2008 @ 4:40 pm
Hey y’all. I have to play devil’s advocate here. At first I thought that Clayton
had edited to add the blahblahs to protect the guilty. Since he didn’t, this may
be genius born of frustration and a fast approaching deadline.
It’s hard to have a piece of DM go viral. However, based on the number of
comments here and the number of people who visited the site, it may have
achieved just that. Did anyone sign up for the card?
Clayton, confess. Did the ad firm or the card company hire you to breathe
into this crazy campaign? I wonder if other sites on the net are talking about/displaying this ad.
Comment by Scott — July 7, 2008 @ 5:13 pm
Looks like John Mauldin changed his website around.
It seems every CC offer is lame and the same. This one just cut to the chase a bit. Get rid of the blah blah crap and turn the features into solid benefit-emotion bullet points (using issue #2 of the EZ Writer for guidance)
I’d like to see the various Rewards program differentiated somehow. That’s a compelling reason to go with an offer as fiscally diligent folk usually pay theirs off every month to avoid the interest charges.
Get More Cash Back, More Often, Than A Fiscal Stimulus Package
Comment by Martin Luxton — July 7, 2008 @ 5:18 pm
Clayton
Can’t you see the genius here?
This person has liberated his/her fellow copywriters from the tyranny of deadlines and demanding clients.
You said it yourself
"Copywriters HATE writing copy. We love cashing royalty checks, but we hate slaving away over a hot keyboard for a month or more to create something that will actually work."
With Blah Blah copy rewriting is a piece of cake.
Sales letter not converting? Delete one blah. Still not working? Delete another blah (keep deleting until conversions increase or the sales page is blank, whichever comes first).
Client wants a longer sales letter? Copy and paste a few blahs. Still too short? Copy and paste a few more blahs.
Client wants more variety? Add an "etc" here and there.
N.B. When deleting blahs please be very careful not to destroy the rhythm of the sentences. There is a big difference between
"blah blah blahblah blah" and
"blah blahblahblah blah"
If I try this blah blah technique out on one of my websites do you think Google will penalize me for duplicate content?
Martin
P.S. Maybe I’d better try it first on a site that has no traffic just in case.
Comment by kyled — July 7, 2008 @ 5:25 pm
I liked it!No really - I liked it. All the flowery language you people are trying to come up with as an alternative is just a bunch of "blah, blah, blah", anyway. We know all the hype that copywriters add to marketing pieces. Truth be told, I’m bored by all of them anymore. Finally, someone says what we, as consumers, think. It’s just a bunch of "blah", and the only parts that matter are the parts they explicitly stated - that is, the beneficial features.We’re a lightning quick culture. All the extra attempts at poignancy? Yeah, we’ve heard it all before, geniuses. My guess is that most of the negative comments are coming from people who are in a generation that actually listens to everything that is coming at them. They wrote during a time when everyone wasn’t already used to their… blah, blah, blah. When people couldn’t sniff it from a mile away. SO sorry, but those days are over. Succinct. Cogent. "Gets It". Doesn’t take oneself seriously. These are the new rules.A few years ago, MTV did the same thing to advertise their network. Instead of, "MTV - Music Television", it said, "M T blah. Blah, Blah, tele- Blah". It was a huge hit. I was in the generation who watched that. That same generation of viewer was probably the copywriter for this. For those of us sick to death of over-hyped bull, this is considered refreshing. For the rest of you, you probably are also put-out by e-mails that have improper punctuation and by text messages that abbreviate entire phrases and sentences, aren’t you? Remember when Nike launched, "Just Do It"? Remember how it was criticized by old-school ad guys? "Just do what?", they wondered. "Why wouldn’t they suggest which sneaker to purchase? They’re leaving it open-ended for the consumer - HERESY!" You’re looking at an example of the next generation of that sort of progression, (or, if you like, digression). Scratch your heads all you want, but the next generation gets this ad, likes it, and responds to it. I just got a new credit card!
Comment by Dolores — July 7, 2008 @ 5:28 pm
Dear Clayton,
I have to agree with most of the folks, I thought you replaced the blahs on the envelope so we didn’t know who it was from. When I scrolled down I realized you were not joking.
I did some copywriting before my car accident and have struggled since then for words to come. This gives me great hope I can re-learn to write copy again.
Thanks for all the advice you give…
Sincerely,
Dolores
Comment by kyled — July 7, 2008 @ 5:34 pm
One more thing - Thanks to one of the posts that included the website, I just visited The Blah Site. I’m telling you, this is my kind of offer. All the "blahs" fell away, leaving only the features. (I promise you, as a consumer of credit cards, I understand the "benefits" I’ll get without anyone having to spell them out for me. Save those for products/services that aren’t as obvious.)Anyway, I just had to reiterate my strong sense that this was a well-done concept that could have improved somewhat with different colors, etc, as some others have said, but who hit the mark for it’s "big idea". Bravo.
Comment by Paul McIntosh — July 7, 2008 @ 6:05 pm
Ok, here goes.
Thanks for the opportunity and the great visual. All I can see is thousands of trash cans ablaze. Oh, that and the ghost of Gary Halbert hovering around.
Something in this piece says that there is a chance that there was actually some ROI. Without knowing how this piece faired, there can only be opinion. Granted that’s from some pretty impressive individuals.
Fact of the matter is it got everyones attention.Come on admit it folks. It’s a train wreck and you all would have opened it if it had turned up in your box. If for no other reasons than shock and disbelief.
Oh sure chances are it may have ended up lighting the weekend bar-b-q, but you would have held in your hands, shaking your head in disbelief and read the whole thing.
Yep. It’s juvenile, college kegger mentality. Presumptuous and arrogant and in some ways as insulting as a slap in the face on prom night.
The thing is if directed to the right audience, think MTV crowd, the chances of a good ROI are actually pretty fair.
Could I write a better one?
Yes.
Will I do it now in 60 seconds or less without any facts figures or research to go on ?
No.
Thanks for the look see into what’s out there Clayton. I have a new found confidence that only this kind of experience can bring.
Paul McIntosh
P.S. Ok, I’d start off with this. The envelope. Change to white, no window. Script font, 10-11 px, blue ink. Real stamp in right top corner.
Comment by Paul Black — July 7, 2008 @ 6:46 pm
It’s worth remembering that sometimes a letter gets opened because the headline ANGERS the receiver. I’ve opened letters that have headlines that insult me (example; "So if you’re so smart, WHY AREN’T YOU RICH?"). But, unless the offer letter inside is really good, well-crafted, and hits the right buttons, it’s a "no-sale". If they’d put a real letter in the envelope, it might have gotten some sign-ups. Otherwise, the "unique headline" concept falls flatter’n a flitter.
Paul
Comment by Andrew Cavanagh — July 7, 2008 @ 6:47 pm
Let’s see…
Blah blah blah blah critique. Blah blah.
Blah blah specific words blah blah blah blah BLah.
Blah blah blah blah real benefits blah blah blah.
Emotion blah blah blah.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Trash the technical jargon blah blah blah.
Blah blah blah blah write in plain ordinary English.
Kindest regards blah blah
Andrew Cavanagh
P.S. I think Clayton should be beat up for forcing us to read this promo. One person having to suffer through it should be enough.
Blah blah
Comment by Steve — July 7, 2008 @ 7:00 pm
This direct mail package would be right at home in a museum of modern art, hanging next to a Jackson Pollock.
Comment by Philip — July 7, 2008 @ 7:11 pm
They also have a website… >_> http://www.theblahblahsite.com
Comment by Ed Borasky — July 7, 2008 @ 7:28 pm
Clayton, I’m not saying thatdirect mail or copywriting in general doesn’t work. I’m simply saying that with all the risk of identity thefts and the consciousness about debt problems, credit card offers are destined for the shredder. You can actually pay someone to take you off of those mailing lists!
Comment by B Fish — July 7, 2008 @ 7:37 pm
Dear Sir,
My name is General Blahdman Ngombo, formerly of the Royal Nigerian Armed Forces and Board of Governors of the Nigerian Petroleum Corporation.
You recently received a letter from a financial firm acquired by my nephew, Allblah Nocattle, regarding a credit card offer. On behalf of my nephew, I apologize for the bizarre nature of the letter. He spent the better part of his adulthood in and out of he houses of ill-repute in Lagos, and was never very good about taking precautions against sexually transmitted diseases. He acquired most of them, as well, and was unable to seek medical treatment because of his wide reputation for not paying medical doctors in the city. In fact he has caused no end of heartache to the once-proud Ngombo family.
Because of his recent aberrations, I have been forced to resign my official positions in teh governement and industry. Luckily, as a precaution against this day, I have been putting aside some funds. I am not proud of removing these funds from the company coffers, but I had no choice. I knew that one day, Allblah would be the ruin of us all.
Since you have received one of his demented letters, I thought it safe to tell you the rest of the story. We have over 120 million Us dollars that need to be removed from the country. I am no longer able to do it myself, as Allblah’s actions have cast suspicion upon us all. I need an unknown 3rd party outside the country to help me. You, sir, can help me, by accepting a transfer of all 120 million to your personal bank account. Afterwards, I will reclaim 80% of the funds, and allow you to keep 20%, $24 million US cash dollars, for your troubles.
You will also receive an Advanta credit card with unlimited travel rewards and a 9.9% variable APR (at no extra charge).
For all this, kindly forward your bank information, along with a small good-faith deposit of $1200, to this email address.
I hope these millions are enough to compensate you for Allblah’s syphlitic rages.
Kind Regards,
General Blahdman Ngombo
Comment by Lynn Jordan — July 7, 2008 @ 8:42 pm
B Fish,
That is brilliant!!!!!
Comment by Philip — July 7, 2008 @ 8:43 pm
Someone want to delete the comment spam above?
Its clearly a variation of the Nigerian scam. And forward his ip + email address to the FBI
Comment by cafedave — July 7, 2008 @ 9:29 pm
Full marks to the "All-blah No-Cattle"; very clever, though I don’t think anyone would pay to send a hard-copy direct mail Nigerian-scam letter out… perhaps that would be a good starting point for the find-and-replace "blah" copy that they used.When I first saw the letter, I thought "he’s changed the copy out to avoid naming names", and then I thought "that’s actually quite a clever idea".Having read everyone’s comments, though, I realised that the whole point of the copy is to get someone to make the purchase decision, and that the "blah blah" text would never get me to do that.It made me sufficiently curious, though, to check out the website, but the website, as another commenter has pointed out, was also a wasted opportunity: no real scope for engaging, or learning more about the product!So thanks for this example of why good copy would make a difference. While it’s hard for me to conceive of copy that would make me go from a dull, brown-paper envelope to signing up for a credit card, at least I now understand why this "blah blah" text wouldn’t work at all.
Comment by Larry Owen — July 7, 2008 @ 9:33 pm
Whoa! Some of you people are downright scary.
Comment by Jeremy Reeves — July 7, 2008 @ 9:34 pm
Before I write my piece..I’d like to mention that although you hated it - it definitely caught my attention.
Having said that - I still think it’s bad simply because even though it gives you some general facts…when you’re signing up for a credit card you need every piece of information possible. I’m very leary of credit cards and wouldn’t purchase 1 unless I knew absolutely everything. Although it’s on the back…for me it’s simply too much work. I want it wham-bam in my face and let me make a decision.
Now…here is my piece (completely unedited - I’m just going to type this and send)
Keep in mind I know almost nothing about credit cards (I’m 22) and have done absolutely no research.
–––––––––––––––––––––––
Dear Clayton Makepeace,
Having your own business is tough.
Nagging customers, frustrating employees, and bottom-line profits that just aren’t good enough are just a few of the problems you likely face.
That’s why I’m here to take a little weight off your shoulders.
Here at Advanta- we try to keep things simple for you. We understand the pains of having your own business and sympathize with you.
Because for every ounce of stress we can take off your shoulders - it’s that much less you’ll have to worry about and that much more you can start doing things you want to do.
Such as spending a little more time with your family, increasing your business profits, or maybe even taking a mini vacation.
And because we want to see you enjoy all these benefits, we’ve devised a special offer for you.
By signing up for our special "business-owner only" credit card, you’ll receive the following:
Unlimited cash, travel and merchandise rewards - For each dollar you spend on your incredible business, you’ll receive 1 point which can be used for dozens of offers you’re sure to enjoy.
No-Fee Employee Cards - No more paying unnecessary fees just so you’re employees can share your business card. We want to help you grow your business, not take money from it.
0% APR Balance Transfers For 9 Months - Balance transfers are a necessary part of business to keep your books up-to-date. And all those little transfers can eventually add up…that’s why we got rid of them for you for a full 9 months.
9.99% Variable APR for 9 Months - Enjoy this unbelievably low APR for almost an entire year and get caught up on the things you needed to buy but couldn’t afford.Listen, we know exactly how it feels to own a business and that’s why you’re getting this incredible offer. Don’t trust the companies who only want to steal your money - trust the ones who want to work with you and help you save money instead.
To increased bottom lines and less stress,
John F. Moore
Advanta
P.S. Remember - every penny saved is a penny earned. We’re here to help you save a lot of pennies…so do us a favor and fill out the enclosed form.
––––––––––––––––––––––
I just wrote that quick, but let me know what you think!
Comment by Emette E. Massey — July 7, 2008 @ 9:35 pm
Clayton, those Monday Blahs. You gotta love ‘em!
And it couldn’t have landed at a better time cuz it’s been one of those Monday’s – so this should be fun! Hum, let’s see here. . . This direct mail package does not come even close to answering the important question every prospect in the entire world wants to know: “Given all the gazillion choices I have, why should I choose YOUR card over all the others?” Even if this mailing piece ever so slightly got your attention and you opened the envelope out of pure curiosity it becomes landfill fodder quickly because: There’s no reward, promise, benefit or any thing else that keeps the prospect reading beyond the outer envelope. Heck, there’s not even a headline in the letter.The letter is boring, does nothing to keep your interest piqued. There’s no offer. No proof or reasons why you should request this card.Does nothing to remove the risk from the prospect. What happens if you request this card and decide it’s not for you? Doesn’t ask for the order. There is absolutely no incentive for applying now. Contains no real urgency and confusing—(yes it does state “Please sign and mail this R.S.V.P Certificate within 7 days." And at the botton of the response device it says “Please sign and mail this R.S.V.P Certificate as soon as possible.” What’s this?? What will I don’t send this in by this time? There’s no penalty stated if I don’t? Applying is confusing and difficult. What the heck is the “no-fee employee cards” No where does this letter attempt to explain this. What advantages or benefits of this. Why should I even consider this? Oh, heck let’s just slap this on the page and see what happens—maybe the prospect will figure it out or call us. Anyhow, we got boatloads of money to burn! This credit card company seems to have forgotten that prospects will not spend more than a nanosecond trying to figure out what the advantages (if any) are. If you confuse or bore your reader then it’s trashed instantly. Boy . . . that WAS fun! Warmly, Emette
Comment by Jon Weston — July 7, 2008 @ 10:13 pm
Jimbo & Kyled, I’m totally with you - just because this isn’t a traditional piece of copy doesn’t mean it won’t work for certain people.
Like you and others have said, "EXCUSE ME - but WE KNOW what credit cards do for us. We do not need to be sold on the benefits any more."
This is not a new product that people are unsure of, need more information on, or need to be shown "proof" about. Sure, I would have cut some legalese out, maybe expanded VERY BRIEFLY, in the body copy, about what exactly the rewards are…
But I am NOT insulted. I’m happy I don’t have to waste my time reading a 5 page sales letter telling me why this credit card will make my life better. I KNOW.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF THIS CREDIT CARD IS THE BEST OUT THERE FOR ME.
Or,
Does this credit card ACTUALLY do something different for a change?? Has the company grown a pair and started offering something amazing that will get people’s attention and business?
If this was a letter selling me… say… some weird financial instrument designed to hedge my company’s foreign credit risk (or whatever - what did I even say just then??), then I’ll want to read about that. Its complex, not many people sit around over dinner talking about hedging foreign credit risk.
What I DON’T want is to read through an entire long winded page of sales copy to find out that your credit card offers average rates of interest, average repayment terms, average rewards, etc, etc. So in that respect, I like this copy - if I’m in the market for a business credit card, then I can tell in five seconds flat if their terms are good for me.
If this card isn’t doing ONE thing (at least) better than any other card out there for its intended market, the real travesty is that it was conceived of in the first place, or not changed to aggressively meet any competitor’s offerings.
Comment by kyled — July 7, 2008 @ 10:44 pm
Jeremy - While I really like your copy, the point I made earlier still holds true - you’re telling me what I already know about credit cards. Long copy about something I’m already familiar with is kind of like when you get someone’s voice mail and there’s a long-winded explanation of how to leave a message. I get it! Leave a message after the tone! (Funny, the longest explanations for how to leave a voice mail message ALWAYS come from friends of mine who are copywriters or ad guys.) I get it! It’s a credit card that offers no distinctive features over and above every other average card! No amount of benefit-painting really changes that for me.I’m respectful, but surprised at how many folks here are wishing that there was a greater explanation of the benefits. You really need someone to do that for you? It’s not "how to use a short sale to avoid foreclosure", or "how to never lose money selling commodities". It’s Master Card. Swipe it, pay it when the bill comes, that’s it.JON - Thanks for the agreement on this. I echo what you said in the last paragraph, as well. If this is a "me too" product, cut the flower-filled copy and just get to it; I’ll come nearer using your product out of appreciation for your not wasting my time. If you’re doing something better than anyone out there, (other than respecting my time more), THEN feel free to flower it up and hit me with the benefits and variable-sized fonts!
Comment by Wavy — July 7, 2008 @ 10:50 pm
So I smoked a peace pipe, and the offer made sense to me. I was happy not to hafta read all that other crap, man. But if they were really serious… and honest… they’d a put all them blahs in the fine print too.
Comment by kyled — July 7, 2008 @ 10:58 pm
Just remember, from the perspective of the CUSTOMER, (not the copywriter), all descriptions of the benefits you’ll enjoy from a product that everyone already understands and probably uses more than actual cash is…blah. (Specifically, BullBlah.) As a consumer, I appreciate their recognizing that.
Comment by Valerian — July 8, 2008 @ 12:45 am
Dear Mr. Clayton
I actually thought that as an attention getter, the Blah Blah concept wasn’t so bad, however the treatment does leave something to be desired.
this is what I’d do:
––––––––––––––––
Dear mr. Clayton
blah blah……..
blah blah…
blah blah……..
blah blah…
blah blah……..
blah blah…
(having hopefully got the reader’s attention, i’d then jump into the actual letter, keeping it brief.)
I know what your thinking Clayton (reader’s name)
Looks like DRIVEL right? We couldn’t agree more.That’s because most companies don’t see it through their customers’ eyes. we’ve been guilty of that too.
But we thought we’d take a gander at it through a new lens and guess what? It does seem like, well Blah.So here’s the low down just the way we think you’d like it. Succinct. Advanta offers you the opportunity to customize your cardAnd earn: Cash rewards….
(and so on)
–––––––––––––––––––––––
do you think it would work?
Comment by Grahame — July 8, 2008 @ 3:33 am
Scene: An ad agency located on Madison Avenue. A copywriter and art director are discussing the contents of a brief for a credit card offering from Adventa, a major client:
CW: I guess we’d better get started on this Adventa thing. I’ve been putting it off ‘cos it looks like a really boring job. It’s direct mail, not the kind of stuff we can win awards with. Any suggestions.
AD: Nah. Any ideas for lunch?
CW: Let’s crack this first. Lunch is only in 30 minutes.
AD: Who’s it for.
CW: [Looking at job bag] Mmmm. I think it’s small businesses. You know, the trouble with this stuff is that it’s all the same. Surely there’s something we can say that’s different. I mean, if we could win an award with a product this dull it’ll add a few dollars to our paychecks when we move agencies.
AD: Cool, but, as you so rightly say, all this credit card stuff is just the same old blah blah blah.
CW: What?
AD: I said this credit card stuff is just the same old blah blah blah.
CW: That’s absolutely brilliant! I think we’ve cracked it. Now, about lunch Mr. Genius…
CW and AD exit door left
Comment by Karen — July 8, 2008 @ 7:32 am
Has anyone gotten a piece of mail from a credit card company that caused them to actually open it? I probably get a dozen each week that never get opened and always get shredded because I know there will be nothing new about their offer.
Had I gotten Clayton’s "blah" credit card offer, I might have opened it just cause I’ve been reading TTP for 2 years now. But my first thought about that kind of offer was that customer service not only moved off-shore, they even shut down that office - cause now I’m just blah and all I will get is more and worse blah treatment.and probably endless disconnects before I might possibly find help with someone in their blah customer service. Heck I can get that from Chrysler’s customer service - Does anyone speak English and is not named "Bob" when you call an American Company’s customer service line- will Adventa - when you call it - be answered by someone with an accent barely understandable named "Blah" ….
And I believe that probably the only people that go to the website are people who were curious after reading Clayton’s article or other Madison Ave. Advertising Firms who are envious cause now they got themselves competition for some phony artistic award.
Hey, I just paint, but surely one of you exceptional copywriter’s out there could write a package for a credit card company that would actually get opened by the average consumer (not to confuse Bob Bly’s excellent guest article last week about self-marketing - I learned a lot from that one)
- IT SHOULD be a challenge the credit card companys SHOULD be pondering right now – that they SHOULD suggest to independent copywriters. Fire Madison Ave. and hire someone that can write as well as actually get John or Mary Q. to open and perhaps even read their junk mail before it lines the bird cage under the newspaper.
Comment by Bill — July 8, 2008 @ 9:44 am
Dear Clayton,
Judging from the looks of the envelope, you in fact began ripping this piece of fertilizer to shreds before you decided to let us do it with you.
Since this thing was sent out to businesses, I can’t figure how any business owner would do anything with it other than seeing if he or she could make a three-point shot!
Look, I’m just starting out in the copywriting business. But I think if I "wrote" something like this bowser, I’d be done in the business the same week.
You know, one of the first exercises Paul