Posted by: Daniel Levis
April 8, 2009
Issue #647

A Damn Good Idea
Done Darn Poorly …

Dear Web Business-Builder:

Last week my wife came in with the mail and dropped a thick, heavy, yellow envelope on my desk.

Inside was the worst JV pitch letter I’ve ever received … and I’ve received a few.

In fact, I don’t think a week goes by that I don’t get several of these thick, heavy, yellow envelopes in the mail pitching me on some kind of “HOT” JV action. And many more arrive by e-mail.

Do I mind getting these unsolicited solicitations? Not at all …

I think a program for reaching out to competitive and complementary businesses to establish potential joint venture relationships is one of the most profitable things you can possibly do.

The relationships I’ve established in this way have gone on to deliver my best and most profitable customers. So I welcome these JV offers from others with open arms, and read every one of them.

Most I reject.

But I respect anyone with the initiative to approach me.

And some I accept.

I wish I could accept more, actually. But I receive so few good pitches it’s truly pathetic.

Most of them are so bad they go straight in the trash. And it’s a pity. Some of the products are probably good.

Here’s the letter I found tucked inside the book in the thick, heavy, yellow envelope I received last week:

Dear Reader,

I’m happy to send you this copy of How to Wow by Frances Cole Jones, the go-to guide for success by making a lasting impression.

In today’s fast paced world, knowing how to sell yourself in any situation is vital. Corporate coach Frances Cole Jones has helped numerous CEOs and public personalities present their best selves in boardrooms and in person. Now in this book she shares her easy-to-follow success strategies on how to: make lasting impressions with simple introductions, use the twelve most persuasive words effectively, motivate your team under a deadline, deliver speeches that bring people to their feet, and much more. From asking the right questions to giving the right answers, How to Wow will give you the confidence to be calm and commanding in all you do and to impress anyone anywhere anytime.

I’ll think you’ll find this essential guide to be both fascinating and helpful. I hope you like it and decide to share it with your friends and colleagues. Please feel free to send me an e-mail to let me know what you thought of the book. I look forward to hearing from you.
Best,

[Person’s name here]
Marketing Associate
The Random House Publishing Group

First of all, let me say thanks to the person who remains nameless for the free book. But this letter misses the mark on so many levels you could easily lose count.

For starters, I’m not vain enough to believe I’m the only one who got one of these little masterpieces. But is that any excuse for addressing me as “Dear Reader”? I mean, they must know my name, or how would they have addressed the envelope?

The first paragraph is dry as Melba toast, but I suppose, forgivable, as an introduction. I’ll keep reading …

The second paragraph is too long and should have been broken up into several paragraphs. The first two sentences of this paragraph try to establish credibility for the author of the book. The first sentence delivers a truism. This is a tried and true persuasion technique. Say something they have to agree with. But this truism seems trite and patronizing. And the payload (the credibility statement that follows) is vague and dull.

Credibility is not a problem this company should have had. The letterhead above the body copy reads “The Random House Publishing Group”. Unless you’ve been hiding under rock your entire life, you know who they are. They’ve been around forever. Presenting credibility before benefit is a huge mistake in this case.

The remainder of the paragraph delivers a few fascinations designed to whet my curiosity about what’s inside the book. These bullets seem unfocused and don’t really get my juices flowing.

When I get a pitch letter like this, I’m not initially concerned about what’s in the product anyway. I could care less until I know what it means from a business perspective.

By now, I’m 99.9% convinced I’ve wasted my time reading this letter. But there’s just one short paragraph left. There must be a point to sending this thing in here somewhere. So I keep reading. It gets worse …

In the final paragraph I expect to find the quid pro quo. You do this, and I’ll do that. But no such luck. I’m supposed to read the book and share it with my friends and associates. Why?

And then the final insult: no signature.

I find it truly amazing that in today’s day and age of brutal competition … shrinking profit margins … and absolute marketing clutter that any company could be so out of touch and out of control to allow such a mindless, brain-dead effort out the door unchallenged.

It boggles the mind.

Some ivory tower marketing muckity-muck must have gone out and hired someone obviously clueless, and set her loose without the slightest bit of training or oversight.

How would you have written this letter?

Well, you might start out by taking the time to mail merge my name. Duh!

Dear Daniel,

And surely you’d have come up with something a little more compelling as an opener. Heck, you might even come out and tell me why I should spend my valuable time reading your letter, no?

If you’re looking for a drop-dead easy way to generate a flood of hot new subscribers for your e-mail list … then this is going to be one of the most exciting letters you’ve read this year.

And once you’d promised me something I actually want, you’d probably give me a few details, wouldn’t you?

Here’s why …

One of our star authors, Frances Cole Jones, has just released her much anticipated new book, How to Wow, and we’d like to feature you as an esteemed contributor to a massive launch day bonus package we’ll be offering book purchasers.

On launch day, dozens of high profile information marketers will be notifying their lists of this watershed new book. If you agree to be one of them, then hundreds, perhaps thousands of highly qualified buyers will be referred to your squeeze page to download your bonus.

I don’t have to tell you that every one of those leads has the potential to blossom into a new customer and fresh new profits for your business.

Then you’d anticipate my question: Now that sounds pretty good, but what about my subscribers? Is this quality material they’ll be interested in? And you’d answer:

And your subscribers will love you for alerting them to this groundbreaking new book. It’s jam-packed with priceless wisdom for entrepreneurs who need better, faster, and more efficient ways to persuade in today’s cut-throat business environment.

And my next question as well: OK, but who is this woman, I’ve never heard of her? And you’d answer:

How to Wow delivers the very same cutting-edge mass-influence strategies Frances uses to position her private clients for huge business-building home runs on “Oprah,” “Larry King Live,” C-SPAN, CNN, The Discovery Channel, “Access Hollywood,” ESPN, and many more top shows.

Then you’d sit back and think. What objections might Daniel have that would cause him to hesitate?

These proven communication techniques can be used by any business, large or small, in any setting, to positively influence customers, business partners and employees. I have included a complimentary copy of How to Wowfor your review.

And last but not least, you’d tell me what to do next. You’d tell me what you’ll do if I comply. And why I should drop everything and do it right now.

The deadline to lock in this lucrative opportunity to flood your list with hot, new, proven buyers is <date>. Please let me know as soon as possible that you’re on board by calling my private JV hotline — xxx xxx xxxx. As soon as I hear from you, I’ll send you our simple instructions for including your bonus on launch day.

Yours for higher profits!

Plus you’d sign it, wouldn’t you? Of course you would.

<sig>

Is it just me, or does anybody else see this as just another example of what’s wrong in the developed world today.

• Too much insulation from reality … and the realization that if you don’t put serious effort, care and excellence into everything you do … your company is going to end up right where it belongs — pushing up daisies.
• Too many managers sitting around giving orders … without getting into the field and getting their hands dirty once in a while to see what’s really required.
• And too many employees without any skin in the game … spoiled by decades of good times … and who just don’t care.

What it really means is there’s more opportunity for freelancers and small, nimble, entrepreneurial companies to thrive than ever before.

Until next time, Good Selling!

Daniel Levis
Editor, The Web Marketing Advisor
THE TOTAL PACKAGE

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34 Comments »

1. Comment by bizbark — April 8, 2009 @ 12:00 pm

   Geesh. You sure make writing compelling sales copy seem easy.
   I read the original letter and it seemed just OK.
   But then I read how it should have been written and realized why good copy writers earn their high commissions. This letter example should be printed out and taped to each and every persons’ monitor, and read BEFORE any attempt is made to solicit ANY kind of positive response. All I can say is WOW! This is an excellent and FREE lesson for anyone in business. Thank you Sensei for another great lesson.
   bizbark

2. Comment by Tony Seymour — April 8, 2009 @ 12:03 pm

   This is awesome.
   thank you so much !

   I’m going to use this exact template for my next launch.

   The Total Package blog just rocks.

   Tony

3. Comment by Ron — April 8, 2009 @ 12:06 pm

   Dear Daniel,

   Your JV Letter couldn’t have come at a better time! Much appreciated. Keep up the great work!

   May you and your family have a very Blessed Passover, Daniel.

4. Comment by Len — April 8, 2009 @ 12:25 pm

   Another great article, Daniel. Thanks!

5. Comment by Blake — April 8, 2009 @ 12:31 pm

   Hey Daniel,

   I kind of fell out of reading the Total Package for a while, and just happened to follow the email to this post. Am I ever glad I did!

   First off - thank you! Second - please consider making this post a template for future articles (here’s a piece, here’s why it sucks, here’s how it would rock). I’ve probably come across every idea in this article before, but reading theory is no match for seeing the application broken down step-by-step.

   Kudos on an amazing article.

6. Comment by Paul Simister — April 8, 2009 @ 12:35 pm

   I am getting more of these approaches as my blogs grow in popularity and size and your example does seem fairly standard except for the opening and end. No excuse or reason for the letter writer to be rude and ignorant.

   Your version was brilliantly and, if I could think of a product that was suitable, would have have had me rushing to sign up.

   I agree with you. This is just brain dead employees following the big boss orders - send 100 of these books out for free to people who might promote them.

7. Comment by Linda Byam — April 8, 2009 @ 12:44 pm

   What did we do to deserve your valuable insight?! Daniel, thank you for sharing your expertise. Linda

8. Comment by Kim — April 8, 2009 @ 1:00 pm

   Enjoyed your article and the wonderfully thorough demonstration of the “right way.”

   As a matter of fact,I’ve copied it for the convenience of reading it over and over again . . .

   Thank you for the valuable information and object lesson!

9. Comment by Christopher — April 8, 2009 @ 1:00 pm

   Sounds like that person should have taken the time to read the book they were trying to promote before they attempted to even write that letter to WOW you with.
   At this time, can’t say I could have done any better but thanks to all you great teachers at The Total Package there is hope for me yet.
   Thanks for your help!

10. Comment by Chola — April 8, 2009 @ 1:14 pm

    Come on Daniel. I know the lady who wrote that letter and she’s made millions for her clients. Read her letter again. It totally outperforms yours! Your letter sounds like a cheesey gumball “dancing infomercial sales pitch”. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

11. Pingback by Joint Venture Do’s and Don’ts — April 8, 2009 @ 1:27 pm

    [...] A Damn Good Idea Done Darn Poorly … [...]

12. Comment by Ann — April 8, 2009 @ 2:26 pm

    Wow, Daniel — you breathed exciting new life into a dead & dull thing. Absolutely love how you showed us step by step how to make it powerful! This is definitely a keeper.
    Thanks!

13. Comment by Dainis W. Michel — April 8, 2009 @ 2:45 pm

    Very good lesson. I’ve been resisting using terms like “drop-dead easy” and “flood of hot…” much anticipated, jam packed, most exciting letters you’ve read this year…blossom fresh new…

    …do we really have to talk like that to increase profits?

    Say it ain’t so…!

    Best,
    Dainis

    PS: I think I’m going to give up my resistance…

14. Comment by Sherrie Sisk — April 8, 2009 @ 2:46 pm

    Frankly, I don’t see this as a JV offer letter *at all.* I get letters like this enclosing books for review on my sites all the time. That’s all they’re asking, and that’s all they get - a read and an honest review, if it fits the site’s mission.

    I don’t think the rewrite was a great improvement, either. Frankly, if I received anything with a line like:

    “The deadline to lock in this lucrative opportunity to flood your list with hot, new, proven buyers is .”

    … it would go straight to trash, after a good long eye-roll. That’s obviously only my opinion, my “tastes” if you will, but I don’t think I’m alone in this. This kind of hyperbole might sell antiperspirant or mouthwash but increasingly, it’s just not something people I know respond to very well.

    Maybe that’s just me and my crew.

15. Comment by Rod Newbound, RN — April 8, 2009 @ 3:08 pm

    Dear Daniel,

    Thanks.

    I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to not only suffer through the entire JV letter, but also to educate us on just how to do it right.

    I do have to feel sorry for the author of the book, since clearly the publisher is doing a very poor job of promoting it. Hopefully, the jacket does a better promotion job than the letter.

16. Comment by Shanika Journey — April 8, 2009 @ 4:22 pm

    It is a pretty interesting article today.

    I didn’t think Random House Publishing would send letters out like that. It was definitely cold and not well thought out.

    It seemed more of as an afterthought than a focused proposal for JV partners.

    I’m glad that you showed how to be more inviting to your potential partners. How else can a business build more relationships?

    Excellent piece.

17. Comment by Steve Newdell — April 8, 2009 @ 4:34 pm

    Hi Daniel,
    I printed this out, skewered it with a staple, and it’s going to follow me around for a while.

    A few months ago I would have been guilty of the same mistakes. With your help, and Clayton’s and Gary’s and etc, etc. I’m improving.

    Best,
    Steve Newdell

18. Comment by Katrin Weber — April 8, 2009 @ 4:35 pm

    Hi Daniel,
    this is the very first comment I ever wrote here. Thanks for this very impressing lesson. (and please excuse my bad english …)

    Learned a lot and am going to adopt it to my copywriting. Happy Easter to all of you!

19. Comment by Steve Newdell — April 8, 2009 @ 4:37 pm

    This crowd is clammering for an A/B Test!

    Daniel vs What’sHerName!

    Test, test! We want a TEST!

    sn

20. Comment by Brendon Kelly — April 8, 2009 @ 4:39 pm

    Daniel,

    That was a fantastic lesson. Thank you so much. I am just starting out in this business, so gems like this are priceless to me.

    Thanks again!
    Brendon Kelly

21. Comment by Harvey — April 8, 2009 @ 5:25 pm

    While original letter did seem weird. Why send free book to someone you can’t be bothered to address properly? Why not explain why you are sending the book — reward for faithful customer or ask for specific favour? In either case very dry letter.

    However, while proposed structure of rewrite makes sense, language is horrible! Rewrite reads as something targeted at low brow audience. I definitely wouldn’t respond to junk letter like that — I’d be much more likely to respond to the original one, if only there was a clear request in it (instead of wishy-washy “please share this”).

    Also, as someone already mentioned, the first letter does not appear to be JV offer, just request for review.

    I don’t believe at all that rewrite would perform better if sent to the same list as original one — I’d need to see results of split test to believe it.

22. Comment by David — April 8, 2009 @ 6:24 pm

    To those who think Daniel’s rewrite is too low-brow, you haven’t read Dan Kennedy’s material on that subject. “Professionals” and executives are human and respond like every other human, not to dry corporate-speak.

    That said, I was surprised to see this old cliche: “this is going to be one of the most exciting letters you’ve read this year”. Come on! Daniel has probably read that line a hundred times. I have a hard time thinking THAT particular line would be effective.

    Yet, if the letter delivers on the excitement of a truly big launch which they can be a part of, who knows? It may just be the best JV they’ve done all year.

23. Comment by Lindsey — April 8, 2009 @ 9:08 pm

    “Couldn’t care less,” not “could care less.” If you could care less then there’s still some room for “care.” If you couldn’t care less, then you care as little as is humanely possible, which is what the expression is meant to convey.

    Enough of the grammar lesson; this was a great article, Daniel. You nailed it.

    I’m betting if someone wastes your time like this once, they may not get a second chance to make a pitch? Next offer goes straight to the trash can? Or at least is probably taken less seriously than usual.

    Good info. and glad to hear that even the “Big Boys” do stupid things. It gives hope for the little (but studied) of us…

    Lindsey

24. Comment by Lindsey — April 9, 2009 @ 12:46 am

    and that should be “humanly,’ not “humanley”!

25. Comment by Susan Connors — April 9, 2009 @ 3:29 am

    Hi Daniel

    Thank you again for a excellent post.

    I agree with you that the original letter was not good.

    Ok - where is your name?

    Two - where is the proof of the pudding with their claims?

    I found it about as interesting as eating burnt toast with burnt porridge.

    There is certainly room for everyone in this day and age to excel. Its a matter of finding the interest, knowledge and reasons for excelling.

    I love to read the posts here at The Total Package - especially yours.

    Its a breathe of fresh air in a crowded city street, where there is smog thick as you can see and stale air, hard to breathe.

    It shows you can find that horse and ride along the beach. You can see the sun shine on a cloudy day.

    I have to admit it - I am am sick and tired of all the gloom and doom propaganda out there. Yes, I know it is tough and my heart goes out to the people losing jobs and homes.

    Through crisis comes opportunity and it is this environment new ventures are formed. Gone is the complacency and taking for granted business partners.

    It is now a perfect time for creativity to thrive not just survive.

    To give an example - I have had an idea kicking around in my head for a few years now. A niche I saw and did nothing about - now is the perfect time to act - as it is needed more than ever.

    Talking to people, business owners, travelers etc - this idea is ripe for the plucking so to speak.

    All I am saying is that in any venture there is risk. In working through your fear and going with the “can-do” approach, it is incredible the results you will get.

    I am discovering this every day.

    Anyways enough rambling from this Australian…

    Thanks again

    Susan Connors
    “Marketer Downunder”

    PS: Every day is a new window of opportunity!

26. Comment by Vishal Nayak — April 9, 2009 @ 3:33 am

    Blake (comment#5) has put my exact situation and thoughts in words.

    Even I was a regular reader of MTP till I fell out and visited regularly. Nowadays I just visit once a week to check if any articles are there that attract my attention.

    Also, like Blake, and so many others, I immensely enjoyed a very practical demonstration of explosive copywriting. Levis is always practical oriented, the 10 headline article also helped me a lot.

    Thanks Daniel

27. Comment by Steve Lorenzo — April 9, 2009 @ 3:57 am

    I believe this is a very, very good example of what is still CONSIDERED nowadays to be good copywriting.

    Even when I don’t totally agree with a few of the hype implied by the much-too-worn-off terms used in it (and some of them were already revealed by Sherrie Sisk up there:

    “[...]<>

    … it would go straight to trash, after a good long eye-roll.”

    and by Dainis Mitchell, too:

    “[...]I’ve been resisting using terms like “drop-dead easy” and “flood of hot…” much anticipated, jam packed, most exciting letters you’ve read this year…blossom fresh new…”)

    I still would agree that is a good lesson, and here’s why:

    * the letter should have been personalized, no matter what, especially when it is intended to be a JV offer — you don’t pick a “Dear Friend” from the street and tell them “Wow, I admire you. You’re SO great and I’d love to have your support on my efforts to promote this” … LOL

    but instead, you are talking/writing to someone with a supposedely proven record of success that would be a REAL valuable resource for your own marketing, whom you should have been already knowing their name and whereabouts;

    * for the same reason stated up there, plus a dozen more, starting with good pre-school education of properly introducing oneself, it should have been signed properly — not to mention the marketing benefits of doing this all the time, BTW…

    * the length of the second paragraph is indeed a mistake, making you wanting to skim it diagonally or even jump directly to the next one

    * there are no real benefits stated, especially in an easily readable bulleted form, which always helps

    * there is no real call-to-action there and mobilizing words and verbs to induce the reader into a state of mind and willingness to do what the writer needs to be done

    but only “if” — leaving room for doubt from the beginning or “feel free” — which I am already feeling, finally “I hope” instead than maybe “I’m sure” plus an implication of why a wise man would do that (share with friends)

    All in all, the letter really sucks and indeed rather shadows the offer than helping to promote it…

    On the other hand, Daniel’s example of how he would write it, is still unsatisfactory, given the main objective of the said letter.

    Would it be promoting a specific product/service to a common people audience such as presumable consummers of it, probably could work fine.

    As it is seeking JV partners to help promote it, one has to assume these are people with more experience and have read already tons of the stuff.

    Therefore, bombarding them and stuffing the letter with “clichees” won’t work either.
    They feel pitched too openly by that and would probably through the letter to the bin…

    Or if they don’t, they may not be THE necessary JV’s for the job, ’cause they were probably wrong chosen in the first place anyway. They may not be knowleadgable enough, yet… LOL

    As a conclusion, I would keep Daniel’s example for direct sales letters, while for JV partner offers, I might still look deeper.

    Thank you all for reading!

    Steve

    PS
    As I live in Romania and English is a Foreign Language to me, please excuse any misspelled words or strange turning phrases you may have found here. Believe me, I’m trying…

28. Comment by Steve Lorenzo — April 9, 2009 @ 4:01 am

    Well, I have already spotted one myself…

    You should read “throw” instead of “through”, please.

    Unfortunately, I can’t edit that anymore.

29. Comment by Rod — April 9, 2009 @ 5:05 am

    Great article

30. Comment by Cory Cameron — April 10, 2009 @ 11:37 am

    that signature is gold, in the right hands.
    I’ll use it from now on.

31. Comment by Neil — April 14, 2009 @ 12:55 pm

    Before and after… :o) Nuff said!

32. Comment by Steve Guilford — April 14, 2009 @ 11:57 pm

    Having marketed to the REAL WORLD (face to face), before the VIRTUAL one where words must carry the entire load, I still see everything from both perspectives.

    While I can agree that Daniel’s rewrite may not be perfect for every situation, it is an awesome study in dissection and revelation. The unforgiveable mistakes in the original letter probably heightened his defense, but his methodical surgery and subsequent reconstruction was a delight to behold.

    Sure, you may want to do it somewhat differently in certain situations and for differing audiences, but his particular tack was focused, concise, and very educational. That puts him in a minority among bloggers I have sampled.

    Remember, the recipient determines the intent of the letter/offer, so it’s incumbent on the sender to aim accurately at the target. These people obviously had no idea who this prospect was.

    I say Bravo Daniel, thank you for one of the best blog reads of the new year. I’ve not responded before, but I have enjoyed several of yours and Clayton’s posts, and Wendy’s tease for this one was too enticing to pass up.

    Do keep up the good work. You are sincerely appreciated by many of us who just quietly peek in once in a while.

    Sincerely, Steve Guilford
    InternetTradeSchool.com

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34. Comment by Kurt Yochim — August 6, 2010 @ 12:58 am

    You made great points there. I made a search on the topic and found most peoples will agree with your blog. You should make sure that you have a series of preplanned questions about the book.