Creating Your Site’s Personality to Turbocharge Sales

Subject: order demotivators-287775 from Despair Inc.
To: "Yanik Silver"
From: "Despair Inc."

Thank you for your recent order from Despair, Inc.

I’d like to personally welcome you to our growing body of
Dissatisfied Customers(tm), but to do so might evidence
some actual concern for service and protocol. This might
then lead to customer satisfaction, which would defeat
the purpose altogether. That is why you have received
this generic, form-generated e-mail, written by some
nameless lackey in our marketing department.

Having established that any pretense of consideration
for *your* needs would be counter-productive to our
raison d’etre at Despair Inc, let us now ponder a
subject of greater interest to those among us who are
worthy of both of our collective attentions - that
person being me.

While you sit there wincing in disbelief at these
bons mots of authentic insincerity and vexed by the
intrinsic contradictions, I find I am beside myself
with awe at the specimen of unparalleled angst that
is our most recent Despair Catalog. Hardly a man
given to superlatives, I must nevertheless assert with
David-Lee-Rothian boldness that we are demonstrably
without peer in the Art of Demotivation®.

And speaking of "The Art of Demotivation", my
management treatise of the same name is finally
available for purchase, and in three unique
editions (four if you count the … oops, I’ve said
too much already).

While I could praise the book and by extension myself
without end, I will instead, in the interest of
at least some pretense of humility, simply note
that no less a journalist than Lucy Kellaway of
the peerless Financial Times of London wrote of
the book, "The Art of Demotivation is the most
daring, funny and subversive management book ever
written".

In short, I’m the best.
For those eager to learn more about this landmark
work, pay a visit to the delightful guided tour that
is offered at our exclusive book website:

http://www.demotivation.com

Those ordering Chairman editions of The Art
of Demotivation are reminded that each necessarily
entails a slight shipping delay. Each one of these
signed and numbered objets d’art is handbound
upon the receipt of your order.

At long last, after this lengthy exploitation of your
attention for purely selfish marketing purposes, let
us move on to yet another advertisement for our
company.

Despair is ever consumed in the product development
process. In fact, as we speak, the small cabal of
dispirited creators have thrown themselves back into
the further development of a new content series
wholly unrelated to Demotivators(R), which are slated
for release next year.

What this is, I can not yet say. I can allow however
that members of our opt-in e-mail newsletter
"The Wailing List(tm)" will receive not only a
sneak-preview of this mysterious initiative when
it nears release, but may also even be granted an
opportunity to participate in an unprecedented way in
the work itself. So join the list now- don’t
make us come get you.

http://www.despair.com/subscribe.html

If any of the information shown below is inaccurate,
please notify us immediately using our new Troubled Ticketing
system.

http://www.despair.com/troubtic.html

We will rectify your error immediately, and on some occasions,
without snickering.

It is the least we can do, which, as a matter of policy,
is the most we can do.

Sincerely not really writing you this e-mail,
E.L.

E.L.Kersten, Ph.D.

• We’ve got over 75 different hot sauces that’ll blow your head off!
• We’ve got spunky cashiers!
• We’ve got the Monday Night Mystery Price Burrito Wheel!
• We’ve got Pop Tart Day!
• We’ve got Freeze Pop Day! (Which is just like Pop Tart Day without the toasting option.)
• We’ve got Yappy Hour for dogs! (Again, no toasting option.)
• We’ve got Taco Talk – the burrito newsletter read by tens of people nationwide!

Hello My Little Cupcake –

Happy Birthday to us!

We’re going to be 11 on August 4th and we’ve got a lot of groovy things planned all month. We hope to see you here!

xoxo,
Pam aka the lady on the cup

Taco Talk
August 2006

4000 DAYS AND COUNTING!

California Tortilla has been open 4000 days. Isn’t that amazing? And while I’m not really sure that that’s any sort of a milestone, it does give me something to write about in Taco Talk – which, if the truth be known, is my sole goal in life. (By my calculation, I’ve written over 600 articles about burritos. And as you so painfully know, there aren’t 600 things to say about burritos. That’s why I make almost everything up.)
Anyway, it’s been a great adventure and I’d like to take this opportunity to share with you the highs and lows of those first 4000 days:

Day 1: California Tortilla opens. Nobody cares but us – and our relatives who eat for free.

Day 56: Bert Weiss from Mix 107.3 eats at California Tortilla. He loudly proclaims he hates the food. I run in the bathroom and cry.

Day 57: One of our neighbors suggests we turn the restaurant into a Chinese Buffet. We tell him we think that’s a good idea and then secretly plot his demise.

Day 92: Our first review comes out and it’s glowing. Three people read it.

Day 217: We buy an automatic tomato slicer. Angels sing in celebration.

Day 329: Ray Romano eats at California Tortilla. He tells me about a television show he’s working on called "Everybody Loves Raymond"; I tell him not to get his hopes up. (I wish I were making this up.)

Day 492: An employee picks up something off the floor without us asking him to.

Day 633: We get napkin holders that are actually the same size as the napkins.

Day 756: We open on Sundays. At the exact same moment all our employees become churchgoers.

Day 837: Taco Talk reaches a circulation of 12.

Day 932: We buy an outdoor mike. Our realm of customer abuse is greatly expanded.

Day 1098: David Spade eats at California Tortilla. I pretend we’re good friends. (I actually went to David Bowie’s birthday party with David Spade many years ago. Do you think David Bowie was happy I was on the guest list?)

Day 1243: We start serving breakfast.

Day 1244: We stop serving breakfast.

Day 1702: The police write us a Cease and Desist letter demanding that we remove a customer from the Taco Talk fax list. Back down to 11.

Day 1993: Our hot sauce, California Screamin’, makes its debut. Customers are sickened by yet another picture of us.

Day 2361: The Crunchy BBQ Ranch burrito is added to the menu. Customers are shocked by the unprecedented combination of barbecue sauce and Ranch dressing.

Day 2614: A California Tortilla opens in the Cabin John Shopping Center to record shattering sales. Customers are shocked by the unprecedented combination of Mexican food and Potomac people.

Day 3253: We start franchising. Our family members want to know if they’ll get to eat for free at the franchised California Tortillas as well.

Day 3254: We move into the Cal Tort HQ. Alan and I realize we have no idea what to do in an office. (Apparently what you don’t do is put on afternoon puppet shows. This just in.)

Day 3654: We introduce Burrito Bowls. We’re quite pleased by our ingenuity.

Day 3857: In the middle of a heat wave we do a "Dixie Cup Day" promotion. It quickly becomes known as Dixie Glop Day.

Day 4000: I try to figure out new ways to get rid of 4 bazillion Scratch Off cards that expire August 31st. (I do this every day.)

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, WE’RE 11

Yep, it’s true. On August 4th, California Tortilla will be 11 years old. And because we’re fancy party people, we’re going to be celebrating our birthday every Wednesday in August. (None of which actually fall on the 4th. Go figure.)

So with that said, here’s the non-stop excitement that you can expect from Cal Tort this month

Wed. 8/2: Cupcakes for all! Who doesn’t like a cupcake? (Hopefully the people reading this between Aug. 3rd and 31st.) And Bethesda Cal Tort customers, Alan and I (and Jack) will be there handing out cupcakes at lunch – we hope you’ll come by and reminisce with us. I promise not to cry at any point.

Wed. 8/9: Everyone who orders a Specialty Burrito gets a Scratch Off card with fabulous prizes! (You knew that was coming, didn’t you?)

Wed. 8/16: A 2 for 1 Burrito coupon to anyone who purchases an entrée. And they’ve got monkeys on them!

Wed. 8/23: Double stamps on your Bonus Burrito card for ANY entrée – not just a burrito. Are we rebels or what?

Wed. 8/30: If you buy an entrée and soda, we’ll throw in chips and salsa or chips and queso for FREE! (That’s free cheese, people.)

It’s been a GREAT 11 years and we’ve loved every minute of it. Thanks so much for being a part of it!

FREE BURRITOS AT THE WALDORF CAL TORT!

The new owners of the Waldorf Cal Tort, Nick and Sunny (pretend that’s how you spell his name), would like to introduce themselves to you by giving you a day of FREE BURRITOS on Wednesday, August 16th. Just stop by between 11am and 1:30pm or 5pm and 7:30pm that day and we’ll give you a free burrito AND soda. Not only that, but the first 10 people in line at 11am get a free burrito every week for a year and the next 20 people get a free burrito every week for a month. Yee-ha! For more details on the free burritos every week for a year or month, please e-mail me at pfelix@californiatortilla.com.

In the meantime, Nick and Sunny can’t wait to meet you – please make sure you stop by and say hello to them. (And please find out how to spell Sunny’s name.) See you there …

SPEAKING OF OUR BIRTHDAY …

HOT 99.5 FM is running a blood drive on our actual birthday this Friday, August 4th. (At least someone’s doing something on the actual day.) And because we’re looking for ways to give you as many free burritos as we possibly can this month, everyone who donates blood will receive a coupon for a free burrito, valid at any California Tortilla location in the whole wide world. HOT 99.5 will also give you a station t-shirt and enter you in a drawing to win Mariah Carrey tickets. (David Bowie wouldn’t return my calls.)

The blood drive will take place from 11am-5pm at the HOT 99.5 building at 1801 Rockville Pike, Rockville, MD. The Morning Mess will be there from 11am-1pm if you want to meet them. It’s a great cause and we hope you come out.

AND FINALLY …
In a very brief Jack update, please join me in wishing Mr. Patootie a Happy 1st birthday. (Doesn’t he look likes he’s on his way to his first day of kindergarten in this picture? Look at those choppers!)

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